husband/wife not on same page with adult (25) son

[abey]

Apologies if this is covered somewhere. I'm new.

So, my borderline son is 25, on prozac, lives on his own in a different city and has a job. He also takes xanax every am. Smokes pot every night. Sees a therapist.

I see a therapist every week- sometimes my husband sits in.

I grew up in a pretty healthy FOO, not perfect, but so loving.

My husband's FOO was a very different experience, and I don't feel comfortable sharing his whole story here. Suffice it to say there was trauma. Neglect. And abuse from someone outside the family. Our relationship has been a struggle; but we work on it and love each other.

My son is very bright, creative and engaging. Looking back ( hindsight!) I can see that he had anxiety as a small kid. he deifintely exhibited avoidance behaviors in hs. He graduated college ( did well) and didnt seek out a professional job because of some grandiose idea of doing his own real estate development. this is probably when the bpd started, then Covid hit. In may of 202 he came home, and he felt broken. from my son's perspective my husband didn't connect with him and show empathy; from my husband's eyes, my son was taking advantage.   We didnt have a diagnosis yet. When my son finally went to interview and get his first job, my husband was walking his dog and the dog escaped and got hit by a car! She lived- but it sent my son into a pit.

That was a year ago. It's been hell.  ALl my son says is "It's all our fault," and "Only we can make him better."  My husband has had his own triggers when interacting with him.

My husband is super smart- and when I have him read stuff on BPD- he gets it but then he says things like, "Our son is broken...."  and my husband isnt at all supportive of me ( I dont feel). He has no patience.

anyway- this is a common refrain Im sure. It did feel good to type it all out

[Penny Lane]

Hi and welcome. I'm glad you're here although it sounds like it's very hard.

First of all, you cannot solve your son's problems. You cannot solve your husband's problems. You can control your half of the relationship between you and your son and the relationship between you and your husband.

Maybe it would be best if you stepped back and thought about what you need to have successful relationships with each of them. Do you need to not talk to your husband about your son, for example?

I highly recommend the tools in the toolbox on this site, I think they will really help you clarify what is within your control.

Good luck and I look forward to hearing more of your story when you're ready to share.