Sister re-established contact

[Hilltop]

Recently I went NC with parents and I let them know I had had enough and was done.  I am still ok with that.  My birthday came and for the first time in 20 years my sister reached out with a text saying happy birthday.  My sister and I never had an actual falling out although in early years she wasn't that nice to me, the classic GC/SG family situation.  Many years have gone by since then.  I have gone NC twice before with my parents which didn't last and my sister didn't reach out then.

Over the past 2 years she has divorced her husband who was against our FOO.  Since then by circumstance she has settled in the same town as me. Previously we were 6 hours drive away from each other. So on one hand I had a thought of flying monkey and on the other hand it makes sense that she would reach out on my birthday and now that we are living so close and she is divorced.  I do not know what her relationship with our parents is like.  I know they have contact.

I don't want to live in the past, I am not interested in talking about the past with her.  I have offered to meet for coffee to catch up which she has accepted.  I am more interested in where we are now.  Many years have past, we both have had challenges which have likely changed us. I am more interested to see if we could have some form of a sibling relationship and be able to meet for a coffee every now and again. I am trying to keep calm and not be drawn in too much or have too many expectations.

I was looking for advice from anyone else that has been through this and any advice on how to approach our first coffee and pitfalls to look out for.

[Hilltop]

Just wanted to add, my mother despite being told she was blocked and I needed space did send an overly gushy text for birthday and also said she sent a present  .  Now she hasn't bothered to send anything for any birthday or holiday since I moved here 2 years ago, so the gushy hoovering is there, I re-blocked my mother, I unblocked when I saw the text from my sister, simply out of curiosity, the texts also came through roughly the same time.

I guess I am wondering if this is part of a hoover, one more pathetic family game, could my sister be so caught up she would contact again after 20 years just to appease our mother.  I don't know my sister now though and with the divorce and moving close it also could be coincidence. I don't want to outright reject any olive branch.

Thoughts?

[moglow]

Interesting timing, I have to admit. My only thought is if you want to see/talk with your siblings, do that. Don't let it be about mom or her stuff or anyone's  relationship with her. Leave her out of it altogether and instead see what can be built or salvaged with sibling . You don't want or need to bash or cater to mom, she's not there. It IS separate, no matter what mom might think. Know what I mean? 

[Hilltop]

I agree Moglow, I plan on not talking about parents.  I did think it was odd that we would live so close but not see each other but left it to her to contact as I wasn't sure if she would want that. She was the one to distance herself in the past. She has only recently moved here although she was visiting the area often prior to that maybe over the last 6 months or so however was finalising her divorce and probably had other concerns. In some ways I think life has just led to this place of us now living in the same town randomly and I guess it makes sense to catch up.  I don't want to expect anything but will be disappointed if she plays any games.  I guess with PD families it's just not normal and a coffee catch up becomes something to ponder.  Sad really.

Although my mother has always texted for birthdays she had stopped with birthday gifts however in her text she mentioned that this year she had sent a gift, of course after I said I needed space, don't apologise just send a gift ugh, however, no gift has arrived in the mail so I am hoping my sister doesn't turn up with it, that will be one huge disappointment.  I am hoping its in the mail and simply not arrived yet but our mail system is pretty good so if it hasn't come by now this thought has crossed my mind.  This would be one of those stupid games a PD family plays.  Fingers crossed that this is just a simple coffee catch up.

In my sisters text she wrote "I am not sure how much contact you have with mum and dad..." to go on to say her circumstances have changed but I thought the wording was strange.  However that is probably just me being hypervigilant. I was thinking it would be normal to say "Hey don't know if mum and dad told you but....".  I just felt that things have been said regarding contact, so if she asks I am going to keep it short but honest and say "Contact is on and off, it's one of those things", then move on.

I guess I am able to separate out from our mother I am just not sure if my sister has.  I guess time will tell. I hope this is not opening a whole new problem that had already been put to rest. 

[WombatOpera]

I think it is hoovering.  You say her husband was against your FOO?  That suggests that she was "for" your FOO
and is "in cahoots" with them.  Yet they have hurt you repeatedly.  I hope you can go carefully, if you get accused of being mean and distant I would take that as a very big red flag.

I dread this for myself, you are not alone in this situation

[Hilltop]

Thanks Wombat I am wondering if it is hoovering.  My mother sent my DH a text message saying I am not receiving any messages from her so can he pass them on to me.  This was after asking her to respect my need for space. I find that really over the top to send messages to him to pass on to me.  Because I feel she is being over the top there, I do wonder about my sister, if that is one big hoover.  That is what my gut is telling me, it's a hoover, a game. I feel in part my mother has a hand in organising this.

My sister sent another message and it had something which I thought was flattery.  This is a red flag for me.  PD's love to flatter in the love bomb phase.  I also see I may being hypervigilant.  I see in her in a week. I plan on just going for myself and see how things go.

I have found this contact to be a little unsettling.  I didn't want to just close the door forever however I am not overly confident it's going to be what I want.  I really need to go in with little expectation and just have a coffee and that's it. I find it really sad that in normal families this would be a simple thing but in a PD family even the simplest of things can be done with manipulation. I guess time will tell.

I still haven't had contact with the parent and am enjoying the space.

[Leonor]

Hey Hilltop,

Would you feel more at ease if you cancelled the coffee ("Oops, something came up!") and texted for a while instead?

Just seems a little rushed to have all of this distance for so long and then bam! Out of the blue, birthdays and messages and gifts and dates with FOO. And Sister may be "rebounding" emotionally a bit after her divorce, even if she's not aware of it.

Plus, she mentions your relationship with your mom and dad right off the bat, with the weird "I don't know if you are in contact with Mom or Dad..." intro. If she's not in contact, it would make more sense that she says, "I don't know if you know that I am in contact (or not) with Mom and Dad ..." And if she were truly interested in a relationship with you as independent adults separate from your parents, she wouldn't mention them at all: hey, thinking about you, how's life, this is what I'm up to, hope you are well.
Sounds like a fishing expedition to me, baiting you into disclosing your issues with your mother to her. Then comes coffee date with the big heart to heart over mom and how she's having a hard time and blah blah blabbidy blah ...

I'm making up that part, but it's not an impossibility. Maybe your spidey senses are flashing that these are your sister's intentions, and you're trying to rationalize your way out of them. Listen to your gut. Do you want to go because you'd enjoy a nice coffee with a fellow member of the sisterhood? Then go! Do you not really want to go for any reason whatsoever? Then decline.


In any case, it just sounds like a volatile situation right now. It's ok to slow down and see where each of you are in life before making in person commitments.