Relationship spiralling out of control.

[Yoyocait]

For the last 7 months I have been living with my partner who has been diagnosed with BPD. Initially all was ok. After extensive Reading I believe I was being idealised.
Since February of this year things have progressively got worse.
I can't raise anything with him. He walks out all the time. He claims the reason he walks out is my anger problem. I don't have an anger problem, I believe I have a normal range of emotions and display irritability only when I'm justified in doing so. I'm aware that his perception of irritability is different than mine so I tend to keep it in a lot of the time.

At present I'm really struggling, I'm trying my hardest to stay in the relationship, pouring my feelings to him regularly and engaging in couples therapy.

But I feel so neglected and unloved.
His responses are " I didn't want  to be in a relationship in the first place" "I've given you the resources" "I don't have to justify myself to you" and forcing apologies when I haven't actually done the thing he's perceived me to have done.

I'm terrified these differences in perceptions are going to play out into other relationships and people are going to believe I'm doing the things he accuses me of and I'm not.

It sounds like an easy decision to walk away. But I can't - I love him. So deeply that I'm constantly putting his mental health before my own and really suffering as a result.

He cannot see any fault in his actions and believes a sorry is enough to rectify 3 days of emotional trauma.

I just want to feel seen and loved and I don't know how to make him understand. I've told him in the plainest of terms I feel like you don't care, your actions make me feel like you don't care. And still he persists with the attitude that he's doing nothing wrong.

[Simon]

I feel your pain Cait.
It's not easy coming to terms with what you're facing.
I wasted a year of my life pouring love and attention into my ex BPD girlfriend, and it made no difference.
I went from the most important person in the world, to her biggest enemy, and all I did was look after her, love her, treat her with respect and understanding, and helped her through a lot of dark times.
None of it was appreciated, and once she mentally split, it was only going to end one way, with me being the villain, and her being the victim.

I'm going to quote a few things for you, so I hope you don't mind me being blunt.

He claims the reason he walks out is my anger problem. I don't have an anger problem, I believe I have a normal range of emotions and display irritability only when I'm justified in doing so.

They will always project their flaws onto you.
He will be angry and say you're angry.
He will lie to you, and call you a liar.
And if he cheats on you, he will accuse you of cheating.
And with BPD, they generally believe 100% what they are saying. There's no convincing them otherwise (the more Narcissistic Borderline are aware of what they're doing though).

I'm trying my hardest to stay in the relationship, pouring my feelings to him regularly and engaging in couples therapy.

Normal couples therapy won't make any difference.
It will have to be a therapist that deals with personality disorders, and your boyfriend would have to commit to it, meaning he would have to admit to having a problem, and admit to his mistakes/outbursts. Unfortunately, you've already said that he will not admit to any wrongdoing.
For a person with BPD to learn to manage their pathology, they will need deep, painful therapy which would last between 10-15 years, and even then, there's no guarantee that it would work.
And a lot of BPD sufferers quit long before that, because either they had no intention of doing it, or because it was just too much for them.
Either way, if you commit this amount of time to helping him, it may be for nothing, and the cost to your mental health would be huge.

But I feel so neglected and unloved.
His responses are " I didn't want  to be in a relationship in the first place" "I've given you the resources" "I don't have to justify myself to you" and forcing apologies when I haven't actually done the thing he's perceived me to have done.

That is so sad.
I've been there.
Apart from the occasional moments, this is what life with him would be like.
It's soul destroying.

I'm terrified these differences in perceptions are going to play out into other relationships and people are going to believe I'm doing the things he accuses me of and I'm not.

The smear campaign that generally follows these relationships will make people believe the break-up is your fault, and some of the things that are said can be quite brutal, making you wonder how they can say these things when they didn't actually happen (but it also helps you come to terms that they are mentally ill, which is an important step).

It sounds like an easy decision to walk away. But I can't - I love him. So deeply that I'm constantly putting his mental health before my own and really suffering as a result.

This is the dangerous part.
You love who you think he is so much, but they can't love back.
With no Empathy, at at the very least, severely impaired Empathy, they cannot connect in any meaningful manner.
What you fell in love with was the love-bombing version of him, and although he probably did think he loved you, the truth is, with BPDs it's about the euphoria that comes with a new relationship, and they also mistake their NEED for LOVE.
I'm sorry. I know how hard it must be to hear this.

He cannot see any fault in his actions and believes a sorry is enough to rectify 3 days of emotional trauma.

There's that no Empathy in action.
Even if he can see you in pain, and hear you telling him you're in pain because of his actions, he still can't "feel" what that would be like, and only understands on a cognitive level that he might have hurt you, but on an emotional level, he has no idea what that would feel like.
On top of that, they accept no accountability.
That would be an attack on their ego, and this is why the defences go up, and it's all your fault.
Again, most of this is sub-consciously.

I just want to feel seen and loved and I don't know how to make him understand. I've told him in the plainest of terms I feel like you don't care, your actions make me feel like you don't care. And still he persists with the attitude that he's doing nothing wrong.

This again is one of the saddest parts.
You're not seen or loved.
This was really difficult to come to terms with.
But the more you learn about this mental illness, the more you'll understand, and will get past it.
Unfortunately, they only see us as objects.
When you are in their good books, you are seen as the good parent object (the parent or authority figure that treated them right growing up), and you are seen as the best person in the world.
When you are in their bad books, you are seen as the bad parent object (the parent that treated them badly), and you are the worst person in the world, and they hate you with a passion.
When the relationship ends, it ends with them hating you, no matter how well you treated them and looked after them, or how much you did for them, or put up with.


This probably wasn't what you wanted to hear.
Some people try and live with these people.
You can still see examples of that on here.
But take a look at the misery they cause for those prepared to put up with them, not to mention the mental damage they do to their other halves and their children.
It's very sad.

I wish you luck with whatever you decide.
If you do decide to give it a go, arm yourself with knowledge, and go in with your eyes wide open.
Chances are, you'll come out the other side very damaged, and they'll just move onto someone else without a care in the world, like none of it happened.

The warning signs are presenting themselves to you right now, as clear as day.

Hope it wasn't too blunt, but this is too important to pull any punches.
Again, good luck.

[Boat Babe]

 

[notrightinthehead]

Yoyocait,  you have been given excellent info and analysis above. I would like to add please study and start implementing the strategies from the TOOLBOX tab when interacting with your partner.  You will notice if you apply medium chill, non JADE and grey rock your interactions will become calmer.  Also there is a book I benefitted greatly from: Stop caretaking the borderline/narcissist by Fijelstad.

[JustKeepTrying]

Yoyocait,

I lived for 32 years with my OCPDxh.  I loved him completely.  I begged him to get help and we went to three couples therapists.  No go.  The stress of three decades of living with him took a toll on me - PTSD diagnosed by a neuropsychiatrist.  My family was ready to put me in a nursing home due to my daily seizures and aphasia before the diagnosis which led to a skilled trauma therapist and EMDR.

Why am I telling you this?  You need to take care of yourself.  This is an airplane oxygen moment - you can't help another if you are passed out. 

As suggested use the toolbox.  It will help deescalate.

Get therapy for yourself.  Learn to set boundaries and lesson the codependence.

Take some away.  A weekend or overnight.  Right now in the swirl of drama, it's too intense.  You can't see your way clear or really formulate a plan or thoughts.

[Yoyocait]

Thank you for the best advice I've received so far.

Not feeling alone and having someone validate my feelings has made me feel so much better. I can't thank you enough.

It really makes me question my sanity when our experiences of the same situation are SO different.

I also made the mistake of telling him my insecurities and now that's what he plays on.
I hate prolonged conflict - he forces distance with zero resolution. When I tell him this is making me feel bad he says he can't be around me when I'm angry and treating him badly. This can go on for as long as 24 hours even when sleeping the same bed.

I've previously been in an unfaithful relationship. I was clear with what I would accept from day 1. He understood that I was anxious of infidelity and what I needed.
He is currently trying to twist my asking questions about the women he's messaging and why (it's constant) and why he was found on a dating app (he was having an episode and was done with me) into me trying to control him and who he can see and speak to.

It's never ending. It's great for 2/3 days a week and is torture for the rest.

I really feel for others who have gone through similar. You don't fully appreciate how difficult it is until you have experienced it yourself.
I believed until recently that all his ex girlfriends had treated him poorly and he was a victim of that.

Now I see exactly where they were coming from. I don't condone their behaviour towards him, but I GET IT.

I'm beginning to feel like he is close to narcissistic. I didn't initially but right now everything is about him and his feelings only.
Me expressing mine is abhorrent to him.

Re: Therapy does anyone have any suggestions? I think you're absolutely right about this.

I think regardless of me staying in the relationship or not it's necessary for us both to get therapy as a result of it.

There isn't any empathy in action. I can cry my eyes out and he feels nothing. He's even said that to me once before in temper. He thinks my tears are a form of manipulation, not absolute desperation.

It wasn't too blunt it was exactly what I needed.
Thank you so much Simon. I really appreciate you.

[moglow]

Yoyo, I read this and feel the pain and disbelief from you, can imagine the fruitless circular discussions with him shutting you out (yet he's somehow managing to maintain contact with others during that time). It feels very one-sided, not a commited relationship. Then this part hit me:

...I believed until recently that all his ex girlfriends had treated him poorly and he was a victim of that.

Now I see exactly where they were coming from. I don't condone their behaviour towards him, but I GET IT.

I'll be blunt -

A. Why has he told you all these bad things about his exgirlfriends,
B. How can you believe his claims of "their behavior towards him," knowing what he claims about yours (that isnt true),
C. Has he said anything good/positive about his previous relationships or is he always the victim of others?
Granted, if they were great he'd still be in one of those relationships, but really. *Everyone* has treated him badly? They're all horrible awful women with bad habits and behavior? He consistently chose badly or was somehow a victim?? Really? Really.

You've been living with him for seven months. How long have you known him altogether? Look back to how you met and how long you dated before you were living together - and why. Look at the big picture, is what I'm saying.

Actually getting diagnosed with BPD takes time and exposure to the behaviors, recognition of what he's doing and presumably a desire to change. Recovery is a long road and he has to be fully committed to that, not just make excuses, cast blame and brushing it off until next time. Being diagnosed isn't a means to an end, that's where the real work - HIS work! - starts. Couples therapy and a token "sorry" when he knows he's gone too far ain't gonna get it if he's not willing to make actual changes going forward.

[moglow]

One other thought - what you have with this guy may be what he understands relationships to be, how he think it all works, what he's used to. It may well be there's an established pattern with everyone has dated and every one of those girls has seen and been through what you're experiencing now. They may not be anything that he's presented them to be, just as you're afraid of what he might say of you. As one of my brothers is fond of saying, if he'll say it TO you about the last one(s) he'll say it ABOUT you to the next one. Character speaks for itself.

Put the oxygen mask on yourself and breathe deeply. Start there.

[Yoyocait]

Thank you for responding, I can't tell you how much better I feel reading everyones responses.

I get the feeling there is a pattern in his relationships. Especially the fruitless circular discussions with no resolution. The lying, the blame shifting and so forth. There's a distinct lack of why other people may have behaved in that way and heavy emphasis on him and his feelings, his upset, his disorder.

I know that I'm not perfect, I know that sometimes I bite and lose my temper but I'm always clear with what I need moving forward. I recognise my needs and tend to forgive easily.

He told me about the exes in an open conversation when it was relevant to do so.
I believed him because the situations were all different but contained a level of abuse  that I'd be absolutely - shocked-  if he lied about.
But that said I've been shocked when he's completely misinterpreted my actions as something else and forced an apology for something I know in my head I haven't done. Sometimes it's easier to concede, even though he will take that as an admission of guilt and railroad me for the rest of the evening or drink himself silly and get even nastier and more forceful with his opinions of my horrendous behaviour.

We moved in with each other because of the covid 19 measures. I'd know him and courted  him for half a year before that, In hindsight I  believe the separate houses made things more manageable.

Initially I just thought we're getting under each other's feet, or maybe I'm hard to live with. But now I feel like it's a control thing, because he feels like he doesn't have any control of himself, myself or others.

I really wish I could make him see that this isn't a good way to get attention and he doesn't need to do this in order for me to love him and see his pain but he cannot see that he's doing it. Which automatically makes the conflict my fault.

The thought someone I really cared for and loved as much as I humanly could, would devalue me and portray me as a monster to friends really upsets me...But like it was said previously this is a lightbulb moment for how ill this person is and I shouldn't take it to heart.

He really need to make changes for himself first and foremost and everyone else who loves him and genuinely wants him to be happy. He is definitely burying his head in the sand and won't take the steps necessary to make himself and others feel better.

The diagnoses and the trauma that caused his BPD is not his fault. But how he treats others who only want the best for him is.
I have never given him a reason not to trust me. I've made every effort not to make him feel like I was going to abandon him. I've tried to look after his health - to no end.
In his eyes I'm a terrible girlfriend and it breaks my heart.

* puts on the oxygen mask*

Thank you for being there. I appreciate it so much.

[Yoyocait]

Yoyocait,  you have been given excellent info and analysis above. I would like to add please study and start implementing the strategies from the TOOLBOX tab when interacting with your partner.  You will notice if you apply medium chill, non JADE and grey rock your interactions will become calmer.  Also there is a book I benefitted greatly from: Stop caretaking the borderline/narcissist by Fijelstad.

Thank you for this! I'm going to order the book and read up on the toolbox.

[Yoyocait]

Yoyocait,

I lived for 32 years with my OCPDxh.  I loved him completely.  I begged him to get help and we went to three couples therapists.  No go.  The stress of three decades of living with him took a toll on me - PTSD diagnosed by a neuropsychiatrist.  My family was ready to put me in a nursing home due to my daily seizures and aphasia before the diagnosis which led to a skilled trauma therapist and EMDR.

Why am I telling you this?  You need to take care of yourself.  This is an airplane oxygen moment - you can't help another if you are passed out. 

As suggested use the toolbox.  It will help deescalate.

Get therapy for yourself.  Learn to set boundaries and lesson the codependence.

Take some away.  A weekend or overnight.  Right now in the swirl of drama, it's too intense.  You can't see your way clear or really formulate a plan or thoughts.

I'm so sorry you had to endure this feeling and treatment for so long.
I know how difficult it is and I've only been experiencing it for a matter of months, you must feel so unbelievably exhausted.

I'm happy to hear you finally got the help and diagnosis you needed though. That's certainly a positive in all the above.

You're right, I do need to take care of myself and I promise that I will.

Thank you for being so kind to me and sharing your story that still must be difficult to re-visit.  I really appreciate your help.

[Yoyocait]

I think today has finally showed me who he is.

He left for a few days to get work done "because I was distracting him"
He's since been out drinking for 3 nights.
One photograph that's surfaced is of him and someone that I'm certain has a romantic interest in him in a strange close together embrace. The kind that he never does with me.

He knows I've seen this but I feel like I can't question it because he's going to say I'm controlling him and start an argument so severe that I'm going to lose another day of attempted peace.

Now as as a result of me seeing this he has text to say he's really suffering with low mood.

HE IS SUFFERING WITH LOW MOOD.

I've been treated with utter contempt for almost a week. Made to feel like the demon in this relationship. Made to feel like I'm controlling him and my insecurities are the problem when they problem is him.

How can he feel low when he's doing everything he wanted at MY expense.
The weather has been glorious and I've sat inside for days and cried. Yet he has the audacity to claim low mood when he has been purposely inflicting low mood onto me.

I feel like I'm being manipulated, I feel like I'm being gaslight and I feel like the only person he cares about is himself.

I think speaking to you all has finally given me the confidence to own this situation.

It's not working. I feel the worst I've ever felt.

[moglow]

You don't have to do this. You don't have to accept excuses and ignore what's in front of you. And you don't have to beat yourself up over things that aren't and never were yours - you truly can't fight his battles.

Get out in that glorious weather and connect with something better. Nature is a great healer and demands nothing more than our respect. Just go, even for a long walk or sit in a park, whatever is workable where you are. Dont explain yourself, DO for yourself.

[JustKeepTrying]

Yoyocait,

I know you love him but you aren't married.  Perhaps the best thing for him is to leave.  He needs to deal with his diagnosis on his own - the old adage you can lead a horse thing.

Consider finding your own place and begin your own healing process.  Only when you are strong, have good boundaries, can you help the person you love.

Best of luck.  You got this.  We got you.

[Yoyocait]

Please can someone give me the strength to leave.

I allowed him to come back to my house, to find out accidentally that he's taking women for lunch.

He keeps insisting many women are friends but for the entirety of our relationship their names haven't come up.

I explained that he knows every friend I might see and the semantics of that relationship, yet I'm not afforded the same honesty.

I ask why he didn't tell me " he doesn't have to ask my permission to see a friend" "I'm controlling him" "he doesn't need to report back" etc.

I feel like I'm constantly crying and he's pointing in my face telling me I'm controlling that he's going to walk out if I keep accusing him.

I wish I didn't love him, but I do.
I've read the books, I've tried to implement the toolkit but I'm not allowed to open my mouth or ask valid questions. The toolkit makes things worse.

Is the ever going to get better, is there an ounce of hope? Or is this my life now?

I can't ask questions or speak my mind. 
He manages to conveniently twist everything.

I just want things to be better. I really do.

[JustKeepTrying]

Yoyocait,

When I was considering divorce, I met with a priest, yes a Catholic priest, and this was his paraphrased response to my query. I asked, "How do I leave a husband diagnosed with a personality disorder who is emotionally abusing me and I am aware that he is but I still love him and I am committed to him in my heart and I made a vow before God?"

He told me this:

To leave him would be the greatest kindness.  Individuals who suffer THIS mental affliction need to learn to stand on their own and learn from the consequences of their own behavior - if you allow it then they learn it is OK.  They do not learn to change and do not see the devastation of their actions.  And I warn you, you may not the see the devastation either as they will be happy and jolly and even sometimes bring others away from you to their jolly side - but we can not know what is in their heart.  You can only leave and pray that they will know and change - over time.

He then also told me "Your body and mind are gifts from God.  If you allow yourself to be mistreated, you are spurning God's greatest gift to you."

I know your heart is breaking and you are praying for a solution that may be out there - a pill, treatment, anything that could give you hope.  But this is similar to alcoholism, they need to change for themselves, not for you.  And I am sorry to say there are no surefire treatments or therapies that give very positive results.  I am not saying it isn't possible, I am only saying it's rare.  You are not married.  There is no contract or vow between you.  Go stay with a friend and find some peace so that you can heal. 

[LemonLime]

Yoyocait, you've gotten excellent advice here.   I hope you don't mind my being blunt, as I don't have much time to write right now, but I'd like to say, with your permission:
I am so happy for you that you have only been with him a few months.   It's early.   You can get out of this scott-free.  You can leave now, and you will not be on this board in 10 years, telling how it all got worse or never got better.
You are not in love with him.  You are addicted to him. 
A good therapist can help you leave.  A good therapist can salvage your life and turn your natural goodness toward a life you love.
You can come back to this board in 2 years and read your posts and not recognize the person you were now.   You can be so relieved and grateful that you got out.
I can guarantee you with 100% certainty that this relationship will not work well with him.  It won't.   I promise.   I "never" guarantee anything, but this I can guarantee.
Keep posting.   But please don't let another 24 hours go by where you don't seek good professional help.

[Simon]

Cait, I understand the pain you're in right now, but again, I'm going to have to be blunt.

This:

You are not in love with him.  You are addicted to him. 

Your relationship is up and down constantly, and when it's up (he's being nice to you), a chemical cocktail of adrenaline, oxytocin, dopamine, etc, are sent to your brain, and it feels so good, especially after he's been treating bad for a while.
This is what you are addicted to, and only time away from it will cure you.

Furthermore, being treated badly, and occasionally being treated nice to keep you hooked (intermittent reinforcement) means that your nervous system is in a heightened state of awareness constantly, and this is very, very bad for your health.
Not just mentally, but physically too.
Major illnesses that are all too real can be caused by this kind of environment.

You really need to get out.
What is it you love about him?
He's certainly not treating you with any respect.
Please don't say it's because he's good looking.
That is something that should be near the bottom of the list, if on there at all, and certainly shouldn't be a reason to accept abuse from someone.
(I fear a lot of people on here got attached to someone with a mental illness because of how they looked)

You don't have to answer this if it's too personal for you, but how old are you, and is this your first "serious" relationship.
I'm just trying to get an idea of why it is you're so determined that there isn't someone out there that would treat you with love, respect and loyalty, and would prefer to stay with an abuser.



And this:

I can guarantee you with 100% certainty that this relationship will not work well with him.  It won't.   I promise.   I "never" guarantee anything, but this I can guarantee.

I'm sorry, but it's only going to get worse, and as Lemon has said, you don't really have any ties to him, and that makes you very fortunate.
I love forums like this, because they help us so much, but there are areas of these types of places that give people false hope.
Stories of people who have given decades of their life as a slave, as someone less-than, as something on the bottom of the shoe of your partner.

As I said in my first post, even if they agreed to 10-15 years of deep, hard therapy, there's no guarantee that it would work, and that's a lot of your life you could have spent with someone worthy of you.
I know that you're deep in the fog, and hopefully the people here will be able to help you see things more clearly, but please don't imagine that there's some silver bullet that will make everything good.
There isn't. They will never change.

At best, you will spend your life walking on eggshells, afraid to voice an opinion or to contradict them for fear of retribution, losing your self-respect and dignity, all for someone that may leave you at the drop of a hat, and then rub your face in it when they're with their new person (that's a very common trait of a cluster B, which shows just how emotionally immature they are, and how their pathology will always control them, regardless of how much you gave them or cared for them).

They leave a trail of destruction behind them, and they will for their entire lives.
They have some moments of lucidity where they are aware of what they do to people too.
My BPD ex gf, within the first month or so, while still in the love-bombing phase, looked at me one night, all lovingly, and said "I don't want to hurt you!", and then hugged me.
At the time I didn't know what that was, but it was clear that all her failed relationships had a pattern that meant she would devalue them, discard them, and then smear them, and for a moment, when she (once again) thought she was in love, really hoped that this time it wouldn't happen. Well, it did. Her pathology won again, and it always will.

As JKT said, the best thing you can do for him is to leave him.
Staying with him, spending a life of waiting on him, being afraid to be you, doing as he says, losing yourself, all these things are just enabling him, and he will never see his need to change.
Your life could be falling apart as you do everything for him, but as long as he is OK, then he won't have a problem with that at all.
Reverse that situation for a second, and ask yourself this:
If him looking after you, being there for you, etc, was having a detrimental effect on his health, would you accept that?
I don't think you would.
Any normal person wouldn't accept the person they love to be harmed in any way, just from looking after them.
Well, he will accept your loss of health, because he does not love you.
With no empathy, or a severely impaired empathy at best, and no true self, Cluster Bs do not bond with people. They use them.
And when they can use them no more, they move on to someone they can use.

Hoping you can get some help from a professional, and come to understand that relationships with these people are impossible.
They don't see us, they don't hear us, they don't love us.
They just need.
They don't need us.
They need attention, and anything we can do to take their mind of their emptiness.
And they're willing to sacrifice your health and sanity as long as it makes them feel better.

There is no WIN here.
You need to cut your losses and focus on yourself.
And never let anyone treat you as less-than ever again.

Good luck.
It does get better once you're out.

[Yoyocait]

Thank you all for being so helpful, understanding and friendly to me when I know you all really want to shake me for repeatedly trying to make something work that isn't going to.


This isn't my first relationship and my last relationship was marred with infidelity. I think deep down this too is one of the reason I'm so insecure.

He is very good looking, but that's not the reason I feel like I love him. When he's not behaving badly to me, he's such a joy to be around. He's loving, caring, smart and attentive. We have tonnes of similar interests and enjoy the same things. He's very tactile and tells me he's glad I'm around and that he loves me often.

When he's behaving badly he's the opposite.
Tells me not to touch him, to leave him alone, not to talk to him, that I'm a myriad of horrendous things. He tells me I've spoiled everything, that he shouldn't have come back, I'll never change etc etc

I hear you all loud and clear, the only ties I have are emotional ones and they are pretty raw at the moment. I genuinely thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man. We discussed marriage, children and housing deposits. I was emotionally invested like I've never been before. Unfortunately the same can't be said for him.

Otherwise he wouldn't be calling me to his friends. Having them call me toxic due to his one sided stories. He wouldn't be taking women for dinner, texting them and telling me I have no right to ask why.

I feel like I'm being used until something or someone better comes along. Gosh, I'm so sad.

I have a solo therapy session booked on Tuesday evening. I'm trying my hardest to look after myself given the circumstances.

Thank you again for being there.
If you weren't, I dread to think what kind of state I'd be in right now as I feel too embarrassed to talk to anyone else.

[Simon]

My heart goes out to you Cait.
I can tell you're in a lot of pain right now, and all this info must be overwhelming, and very upsetting.

I'm glad you took what I said in the right way.
It's hard to say what needs to be said without it sounding like everyone is trying to hurt you, and we're not.

When he's not behaving badly to me, he's such a joy to be around. He's loving, caring, smart and attentive. We have tonnes of similar interests and enjoy the same things. He's very tactile and tells me he's glad I'm around and that he loves me often.

My ex BPD used to do the same thing.
In the love-bombing stage, they mirror everything you like to reel you in.
There may be some genuine overlap in your interests, but they make sure that it's almost everything.
It should be a red flag, but we want it to be real because it's what we've been looking for.
I fell for it too.
My ex's favourite thing to say was "I love you more than you know!". Very powerful.
Of course, I now realise that this is probably something that they've said to every single one of their victims.

When he's behaving badly he's the opposite.
Tells me not to touch him, to leave him alone, not to talk to him, that I'm a myriad of horrendous things. He tells me I've spoiled everything, that he shouldn't have come back, I'll never change etc etc

I find that vile.
I never had anything as direct as that.
Mine was a "vulnerable" or "Covert" Borderline, and I got the silent treatment, withdrawing emotional and physical contact, glaring at me whenever I'd look at her, etc, all for no reason that I could work out.
As horrible as your example is, at least it's not covert. The evidence of how your life would be is right there.
When it's covert, you tend to make excuses for them, but when it's as overt as you are experiencing, it should make it so much easier for you to come to terms with the fact he has a mental illness.

Otherwise he wouldn't be calling me to his friends. Having them call me toxic due to his one sided stories. He wouldn't be taking women for dinner, texting them and telling me I have no right to ask why.

So he's smearing you already, while still in the relationship?
I've heard that is something they do, but never found out for sure (so far) that mine did that to me.
She has been doing it to me for the last year and a half, because just after we broke up, I bumped into her and she offered me a cigarette (I used to smoke), and had a little chat. Pretty amicable right?
Fast forward 15 months to the next time I see her, a few weeks ago, and while some of her friends that she was with talked to me, some of them couldn't even look at me, and she was glaring at me the whole time.
A really nasty glare, like I'd peed on her cornflakes or something.

The sad part is, because of their illness, they really believe everything that their pathology has made them tell everyone else, and whatever the smear campaign was, was 100% true as far as they are concerned. It could be anything.
No matter what you do for your boyfriend, no matter how well you treat him, or how long you are with him, his illness will make him do this to you when it ends.
The fact that he's doing it to you now is proof of what's to come.
It's a real difficult thing to take, and I still have a problem with it now.

I feel like I'm being used until something or someone better comes along. Gosh, I'm so sad.

Yeah, I felt the same as soon as the love bombing was over.
It causes you to wonder if it's worth being with them, so you tend to distance yourself from them a bit, but as soon as they sense this, they love-bomb again briefly to keep you hooked.
Just like you, I felt used too.
It was only later when I learnt that their illness has made them do it with all their previous partners, and will make them do it with all their subsequent partners, that that particular piece of pain went away.
It's not personal, although it will feel that way for you for a while.

Good luck with your therapist.
Hope it helps you see things clearly.

And don't be embarrassed.
We all fell for a predator here.
It may not seem like it right now, but this is knowledge that will serve you right for the rest of your life.