This a continuation of Thanksgiving, yes square I believe the job will be a definite game changer.
:applause: :applause: :applause: to the new you!
I am sooo pissed at my ex's stupidity and irresponsibility right now. We were warned for 4 days that a blizzard was coming, she and her husband waited til the damn thing started and decided they had to go to the store got their car stuck ( with my kids with them) and made the kids walk at least 2 miles home. (It was 25 degrees with 50-60 mph winds zero visibility.
Oh that is just stupid. It's fine for them but putting the kids in that situation ughhhhh.
Log EVERYTHING
:yeahthat:
I am rooting for you Getintired76, we can all do this!
I think the more experiences my son has had with his father over the years, he appreciates my consistency. He knows my moods (normal range) and can count on me being a responsible parent. If he has a question about school, activities, his future, or needs something that has to be done by a deadline, he seeks me out. His dad is all fluff stuff, like what car they are going to buy (so unrealistic because they both have zero money, but it's funny to listen to).
I'm so glad that your children are okay, what a scary situation. I don't remember on your post the ages of your children - do they have their own cell phone? If they are young, you can get them one just to make calls. That might make you feel a little better knowing that they can contact you without relying on their mother. I'm sure you have, but I would make sure they know how to reach out for help - when to call 911, medical help, etc... Again, this may make you feel a tiny bit better.
My kids are 14 11 and 10 the two youngest are special needs (autism and epilepsy related brain injury). My 14 yr old has a phone but where his mother likes to take it from him and go through is conversations he doesn't do much with it anymore.
Both my son and my oldest daughter have inherited complications with there knees and have difficulty walking large distances without pain, my daughter is supposed to have wraps for her knees to control swelling and fluid build up I have informed my ex of this but whether or not is doing it I don't know. Both of them are supposed to have ibuprofen available for pain and swelling but I highly doubt she keeps it as she as never been keen on keeping medication readily available.
My ex's husband has been sharing rape jokes and other exploitive ideologies with my son. I have tried to instill that such ideologies and humor are inappropriate but just have it ignored as that I have no sense of humor.
He has expressed to the child that the ideal woman is " three square meals a day and sex any time he wants". I have talked with my son at length about this. I myself was raised in a very "female strong" family, but even at that the men were never dehumanized or devalued. I feel it was a very healthy environment for me as that it showed the value and importance of both sexes with no economical or emotional constraints on either.
I hope I didn't say something that offended anyone.
Not offended. Just seems sad and overwhelming. Keep being a role model and also see about getting your son help.
I'm trying she won't let me near him, seems she is grooming him to be her new man's son.
Yeah, I know access is limited.
I don't know if the school could be a resource.
Yeah and now it's even more limited she has blocked me on Facebook and has her phone blocked
Just keep going with getting your ducks in a row - CDL and trucking job, lawyer, etc.
You'll suddenly be unblocked again when she wants to get rid of the kids for a day or two.
Give the ducks everything you've got.
Somebody called CPS on my ex, all hell broke loose she called me screaming and cussing blaming me, my 11 yr old was arrested at school yesterday and she won't tell me where they have her, and claims CPS informed her she is well within her rights keeping the kids away from me, that I was doing the damage to them.
Wow.
I think I would be reaching out to CPS now, tonight or tomorrow, to get the truth on record.
You need to keep calm and stay credible. Don't match her crazy, don't start spewing accusation. You are the father. You are deeply concerned about the children and their mother. You don't know what to do. You welcime their help. You've been looking into legal options and have a great new job.
If you're asked if you did this crazy thing, don't get mad. Just say no, that never happened. You can be upset with concern for your kids but not angry at their mom (frustration is fine, not fury).
I have no experience here whatsoever, this is just my feeling on this.
It's showtime, and I hope it will work out.
I assume there is only one juvenile detention center in your area. Call them, tonight.
She's not in detention she in a psyche hospital just don't know which one
Oh, sorry for getting that wrong.
While a psych hold is bad news I hope it will lead to some help.
My best friend went to various psych hospitals starting from young teens. It's a hard experience. But there sometimes can be pieces of help. Thinking of you guys tonight. Don't wait for things to happen, it's time to stand. You can do it.
I found out she is home for now with her mother, who is withholding information from me an is going to instruct the hospital to do likewise. I am going to talk to CPS tomorrow try to figure out what's going on.
My ex informed me I am no longer to have any contact with them. I am being blame for everything, even CPS agrees with her even tho the child never melts down like that until she's been with her mother for a while. The first to time I had had her only a day and a half the second time her mother has had her for two weeks.
She SAYS CPS agrees with her.
CPS hasn't even contacted you.
No they havent
Be skeptical of anything she says. She says CPS agrees with her? Nah bro.
I know the girls' school doesn't particularly agree with her, I spoke to their principal at length. My daughter was not arrested nor taken out in handcuffs she was simply suspended. They noted that my daughter cried that she hadn't seen me in a long time (2 weeks).
That's extremely useful.
I'm sorry about your poor baby though :(
The principal seemed genuinely happy I called as she said I filled numerous huge holes in their school record and the medical records. Still waiting on CPS to call me back I missed their call while on the line with the school.
Excellent work.
More of what my daughter told the school and CPS is coming out, last night I had a dream my ex's husband beat up my daughter and hung her from their porch, well I asked my son if she was ok, and told him about the dream, shocked he told me that one of the things she told the school was that she had been hung by the neck for 5 minutes.
That's beyond disturbing :'(
I pray CPS does their job and removes her immediately.
If she (and the other kids hopefully as well) is put in your care, are you prepared to keep them away from her? If they show up and demand access, you are prepared to say no, not answer the doir, call the police, whatever it takes?
I am, she claims CPS told the child she is a liar, but I don't think they would that even is the child were lying. But oh yes I am very much prepared if I need to take them.
Your ex is a liar. The things she tells you have no basis in reality. She tells you the story she wants. So don't be affected when she says what CPS supposedly thinks and says. She is trying to scare you, nothing more.
I work in tandem with CPS in the UK and they would NEVER say that.
I concur with Square. Your ex is beyond toxic and will lie and lie and lie to fuck you over. I am so, so sorry. Do everything you can to protect your children. We are here for you.
Just updating you all, I got my lawyer paid for tonight, and I will most likely have my daughter if not all 3 kids by end of the week.
Omg, that is such good news. While you're waiting, ramp up the self care. If, like me, you're a moderate drinker, consider going booze free for three months. Your energy and mood will be much improved, which you'll need with three youngsters in the house.
We are all cheering for you.
Fingers crossed
Way ahead of you lol haven't had a drink in 2 months, and the outlook from my supervisor is I'll start my job sometime before next Thursday. I get the ball rolling legally Thursday morning. As far as my kids go I'm used to tending to them solo and do so much better without her stressors and confusion. My daughters have a relatively simple schedule which especially with the 11 yr old you have no choice but to keep. Awake at 7:30 school or not, breakfast and medication (no excuses lol) school or playtime, 12:00 lunch and movie (11 yr old still naps) play til dinner at 6, eat nighttime meds and bath veg with their phones til they go to sleep at around 8-8:30. My son is a 14 yr old horse of a different color.
Sounds like you have a calming and suitable routine and I pray you will be implementing it permanently very soon.
Will the CPS worker allow the person they were called on turn the case around on to somebody else and in turn rule that person is not allowed any contact with affected children? I'm just curious because I am no longer allowed to talk to my kids, she's monitoring everything I and my son say to each other on messenger and I'm only allowed to supervised visits even though she claims CPS ordered no contact at all. I and my mom had bought the girls tickets for a show but she won't let me take them.
She is lying to you. CPS did not restrict your contact. If they did, you would have heard it from them directly.
What I figured, typical of her, she threw a fit because I asked my son how his sister was.
I don't understand why CPS hasn't contacted you yet.
If you were not allowed contact and supervision was required, you would DEFINITELY have been informed.
Why do you accept what your ex tells you?
I don't really, not anymore anyway, they have tried to get ahold of me twice but we are playing phone tag, I hopefully will get ahold of the caseworker tomorrow.
Ok, so I spoke to CPS and got exactly nowhere, she basically said it was impossible for a woman to control a man, and that there was no way he could have done anything to my daughter because "the neighbors didn't see anything and wouldn't have let that happen". And she was like "It sounds like you have a legal issue not a CPS issue."
Fucking hell.
Fucking hell.
The neighbors are his ex con buddies who of course are going to cover for them. I've seen pics of the house they live in, the outside looks like a shack. The inside is relatively nice tho.
You have a lawyer. This isn't over.
Also, btw, lie exposed...CPS didn't tell you that your access to your children is barred.
Is it going to be any different with the lawyer I mean really, am I just supposed to sit and wait for him to kill one of them and then maybe something happens? I'm sorry but things my daughter has done, and the details she has used are too striking to ignore. And it was like the CPS lady just could not grasp the concept of the kids and maybe even the neighbors being scared of him and her. That the kids have had it ingrained in them not to trust CPS. She acted like she didn't believe me when I told my ex liked to "play" the system and knew how to get out of stuff with them, that it was game to her.
But I was told they were fine and basically leave well enough alone. Her exact words were "no man would tell me what to do with my kids"
That's what I have to deal with here, even amongst my own family. "Why did you stay so long?" "It's your fault" "you let her do it" "you were the man" It very discouraging at times. A friend of my sister even said that he had no sympathy for abuse victims that they wouldn't be in that position if they didn't want it.
I wanted to reply on the thread effects of divorce from pd on children, it seems it's locked so I will reply on here. We didn't divorce because we were never married but I believe the effects are the same either way. Now we are still in the early stages of the break up, even tho she has already remarried and moved away, the effects I seen from my kids living with her so far is, my son now looks miserable, depressed and exhausted, he is conflicted, he tells me things then backtracks when It comes out to her, all he talks about is wanting to drink and do any drugs he can get his hands on. My middle daughter is having more violent outbursts , exhibiting extremely sexual and disturbing behaviors, have trouble at school ( all of which calms down dramatically when I have her in my care). My youngest is filled with so much rage, against me for leaving, I don't know against the entire world maybe? But she is such a sweet child otherwise. (Her favorite thing is to play store, church, school or vet hospital with her big sister.) I hope that once this all gets settled I can give them a much more settled life. Away from the confusion, aggression, instability and inconsistency that has been there life til now. I hope I can report in the future as some here have, that marked improvements my children have made.
Hon, I don't know what will happen. I don't know if the lawyer will get it. I just know you have to try, you have to fight.
I know that the people at CPS or DV shelters or medical professionals or lawyers, some of them get it, really get it, and some of them have their heads so far up their asses there is no hope.
Keep going. Keep going.
If he did that to her.... Isn't that attempted murder?
YES
I spoke to the supervisor at CPS we had a nice long talk about the case, and she is very concerned about a lot of things and agreed they were major red flags.
She took my number so I could be kept in the loop
Ok. Hope something comes of it.
Me too I'm afraid all hell is going to break loose tonight. My ex has threatened to my entire family and her entire family. Stating that she wasn't afraid to go to jail.
Threatening to, what?
Her exact words were " I'll blow all of your brains out, from here to her home state.
Is there any way you can record your calls with her?
And check if you're in a state that allows recording with the consent of just one party (that would be you).
No I'm pretty sure you have to have consent but she has made it clear she has recorded me plenty of times. Bo I wouldn't begin to know how to record a phone call
Please report this threat to the police.
This is all just horrible. I really hope you can come out the other side really quickly. Sending hugs.
Spoke to my lawyer today unfortunately I had to be referred to a criminal lawyer due to CPS being involved. So I am waiting for them to call me back.
My ex called me about an hour ago, she claimed the school had pressed charges against my daughter that she was called at the last minute this morning to show up at the courthouse, that my daughter has to be tested to see if she is competent to stand trial, that she was given a guardian ad leidem and has to meet with the prosecutor next week, that she made it abundantly clear as did the judge that I am not allowed anywhere near the proceedings (not sure if that's legal) and that she made sure they knew I was to blame for the child's behavior. She claims the child was expelled ( the school told me last week she was simply suspended). I did speak to someone at the court who said charges were not pressed it was a multi party disciplinary action. Totally different.
All lies.
I hope so I can't stand the thought of my baby being there in that courtroom not understanding what was going on and me not there for her. I just hope the judge wasn't mean to her.
She is scared, though. I hate to say it but she is.
I hope your criminal lawyer is a shark who eats child abusers for breakfast.
Me too but so far all I've gotten is brick walls
What do you do when they turn the "yellow stone" method around on you?
Did I say something wrong? I'm not sure, but anyway quick update, I set up the consultation with the criminal lawyer unfortunately I can't see them until the 3rd. I'm still being kept incommunicado with my children which is killing me, she relays just enough info to keep me so upset I can't stand myself. The school board in her county is supposed to call me Monday, hopefully I'll get more information then. Ya know I never even realized this had situation I'm in even had a name until I read up on it. Post Separation Abuse, wow, and they are right it is worse then the abuse that was endured during the relationship. But do you do when the abuser uses the "coping tools" against you? It seems she knows them all and is using them to make herself look as good as possible and fool everyone she can, and it's working because they won't even talk to the person she burying.
I am following you and rooting for you. I don't have much to add but just want to wish you luck and strength!
Thank you EM that means alot
You know I'm rooting for you as well. I don't know what the Yellowstone method is. The 2nd can't come soon enough.
I'm guessing she feeds on your upset. Whatever you may feel, you don't have to feed it to her. Put that wall up. You can do it slowly.
Remember she's feeding you lies, anyway. Even the stuff that is Based on a True Story is a fiction for her sick purposes.
The yellow rock is kind of a step up from grey rock where you have a little more interaction with the person then you would with grey rock and from what I've read it's prefer by experts when the parties involved have children. But what about when the abuser turns it on the abused? And basically bars civil two way communication?
You're in a gray rock situation :(
I agree and it sets her off when I do especially when she's yellow rocking. I'll go along to whatever she's saying and she'll still go off that I'm arguing with her and she don't have to deal with my attitude. It's quite head spinning.
You're in a hard situation. You do what you need to do. Just make sure that it's gray rock in your head. Whatever your words and tone and face say, make sure you distrust every word out of her mouth and bounce all her garbage right off your soul.
I've done that for years to a degree
Good.
I've gotten to where I can't stand to be around her or even see her coming, I become a nervous wreck that something is going to happen or set her off.
I can't blame you one bit. She sounds as toxic and unstable as they come.
Quick update I got to speak to my daughters guardian ad ledum the woman all but demanded I attend the next hearing (my ex canceled the meeting this week claiming Covid) she stated that upon seeing my daughter in court (meek, gentle, quiet) then hearing the charges she knew something was going on, and I agreed with the new law once it was explained to me, the child needs to be evaluated, and treated. I believe I will end up bringing her home with me on that day seeing as I live less then the 5 minutes from the State's leading pediatric psychiatric hospital. Wish us both luck
Did the GAL say she thought you might bring her home??
Going to be prayimg for that.
No but I very well might
What day is it?
GT:
It might be useful to ask some pointed questions of the GAL.... and really listen to what she has to say..... take some notes. Make her feel you're counting on her and believe in her to advocate for your child....... make her feel you feel she's professional and competent always.
If you question her competency, don't do it so she notices.
Good questions would be about her recommendations for finding supports and programs to help your DD.
Try to drop expectation when you speak and get as curious as you can about what GAL has to say...... and always let her finish speaking before talking again.
Be super patient...... or appear to be, even when you feel misunderstood or angry, whatever. I usually pretend I'm addressing a y0oung child IF I need to remain level in these types of situations. It helps as does keeping the information you share short and to the point..... it's easy to stray down all kinds of rabbit holes when our childrens' safety is involved, IME.
Calm, consistent and focused on helping your child.....not on punishing the PD.
I wish you and your children the best ossible outcome, GT.
It is the 17th and h I couldn't agree with everything you said more, and I do feel she is very competent and does have my daughters best interests in mind. She seemed very concerned about the "situations" I brought up to her that had not been addressed by her mother and should have been to give that child a level unbiased chance to get help from the court.
Maybe this GAL might be the key to getting stuff changed.
I'm hoping these recent events turn out to be a blessing, on balance.
I believe she may be
I truly hope they let me take to to the hospital here, I have a history with it (my sister was a former patient and I did some outpatient) they are an outstanding hospital. And I believe that they have their own school inside is exactly what my daughter needs.
I hope so, and most of all hope you get custody overall.
Agreed
We'll all my paperwork is filled out , I go talk to my new lawyer on Thursday and I start my new job next Monday, I believe I'm going to ask my lawyer to go with me to my daughters hearing on the 17th all that poor baby has as a defense is a public defender.
This is a great update. Things are really coming together.
My called me today going at me for an because I had spoken to her mom and sister. She informed me she called the police on our daughter the other night for a violent outburst. But the judge thinks she is safe and well adjusted there? She couldn't tell me what set the child off. She went for an hour about it was my fault, my family's fault, her family's fault, not fault for her at all. Then she said I couldn't or refused to take responsibility for anything. Considering I have even heard the kids voices in over a month, I don't see how I could be doing anything..
Just a bunch of PD bullshit. Toss it in the garbage where it belongs.
Except. It's kind of interesting she couldn't even make up some lie about what set it all off. Trust me, whatever it was, it was not a mystery to whoever was there.
Sadly the other two are circling their wagons around their mother, my son has now blocked me for whatever reason and my ex swears my youngest wants nothing to do with me. It's funny my ex and the kids were supposed to have had Covid the last week and a half but she has somehow managed to get up from her deathbed (from the way she has described how she felt) and took my daughter to all these experts that somehow magically blame everything on everyone but her and her hubby, they just come out golden as usual. It's also funny that my youngest who has auto immune disorder and the precursors of MD barely got a sniffle from the virus but my ex is at death's door.
I'm sorry to hear she's smearing you to the kids. Keep in mind that it's possible she wasn't as successful with the youngest as she tried to convince you - maybe, maybe not. Also, I don't know the circumstances but perhaps even the older one, for example she may have taken his phone away.
You will get a chance to see them again, I don't know when but I'm sure you will. And you'll have a chance to reestablish the trust.
She's told them lies but those lies are going to fall apart since authorities are getting involved.
Hi friends. Looks like the conversation has been a good one. The thread has exceeded the 5 page max our guidelines allow. I am going to have to lock this one up, but encourage you to start a new thread and continue the conversation.
Bloomie 🌸