What to expect?

[Penny Lane]

We're here for you AOD whenever you're ready to post more.

[Stepping lightly]

Agreed- we are here!  You've been in my thoughts,  and I hate that this is a rough time for you.  Things have a funny way of working out, even if it doesn't seem that way at first.  Hang in there!

[hhaw]

AOD:

I have to question the reasons a T would recommend complete custody change from the only hands on parent D has ever had.

You're worried, and that makes me worry. 

I wonder how a Judge will see it.   I wonder what your solicitor says about the Judge in  your case, how they typically rule, and how the evidence in your case will likely be viewed.

Judges have patterns.  Attorneys figure them out, and play to each Judge to get a favorable outcome.

Sometimes the attorneys don't know how things are going, IME.

I still have faith that a Judge won't take a child out of a stable family home, and place him miles away with a parent who's hardly been in his life.

In any case,  your son will soon be mired in activities with his peers, then off to college.  You won't be this vulnerable for every, and neither will he.

Be consistent.  Be present for D.  Be brave, and really look him in the eye, and SEE him.  You won't ever get these days back, so make the most of them, and try not to fear.

Even if it's not OK... it's OK.

(((AOD)))



 

[Associate of Daniel]

I apologise for not updating you all.

I've been really struggling, isolating myself.  Trying not to think about the situation too much.

uNPD exH wrote to say he'd put his name on a waiting list for a counsellor near his home.

I asked him if the counsellors there also worked closer to where I live.

In his usual condescending tone he said he was, as always going to go with the best, and no, they don't work near me.

I didn't reply - simply because his email got caught up in the pile.

Today I received another email from him. He's changed his mind and has a booking with the place near me for this Wednesday. (I think)

He's doing all he can to look good.

The counsellor is not likely to be helpful.  Most of those that work in these government funded places aren't trained or experienced in high conflict/pd people.  So I'm just ticking boxes and hoping we don't have to attend too many sessions.

I will say that the other government funded place is at a half way mark between our homes. But uNPD is not likely to show his face there as that's where he stormed out of mediation. They won't have him back either.  Hence the difficulty of finding a counsellor in place convenient to both of us.

We could go to other non government places but I'm not pushing for it as 1) I can't afford it and 2) he's unlikely to change so why waste the money?  Sorry to be so negative.

I wonder how long he'll last in counselling anyway.

At this stage, from next year, ds will be living with his uNPD Dad and uNPD smum during the week and seeing me on weekends. Barring a miracle.

It's not going to last long. Ds will tire of the travelling and won't want to spend weekends with boring old mum.  So I'm preparing myself for not being part of his life for much longer.

I have requested that we trial the arrangement for a year before signing any court orders. And I requested that uNPD smum do a step parenting course. The course won't change anything - and she'll soak up the attention. But I thought I could at least ask.

That's a brief update. Sorry it's been so long.  I just couldn't/can't face it.

Thank-you for your feedback, too. I appreciate the support.

AOD

[Stepping lightly]

Hi AoD- THANK YOU for the update and HUGE hug!

I know things seem so dim, and completely understand expecting the worst case scenario going forward.  At this point, you need to protect yourself emotionally because it is so hard to continually be disappointed.   

DH/I went through this as well.  We were totally broken, the despair is really hard to describe- and I am not even the biological parent, so I imagine it is so terribly hard.  But-things don't always work out the way we think they will.  Shifting the dynamic where DS is with his dad/s-mum more often could have a negative impact for them.  It's possible that their behaviors are going to really wear DS down, and he is going to look forward to the emotional break he gets when he's with you.  The other thing that happened, we let go of a LOT of stuff....we stopped worrying about the minutiae.  We decided we were going to parent OUR way during the little time we have with the kids.  For years, we had been parenting to avoid conflict and always worried, "what is BM going to do with this situation when she finds out?".  That largely went away, she had very little else to take away from us, so we...for once...became our authentic selves.  We didn't have to fight over homework or the day to day challenges, so we are able to focus specifically on the kids....and not the constant chaos around them. 

You are DS' mom, it's not your job to be fun, it's your job to be a good mom.  Giving him a safe landing space, time and space to re-energize and putting up boundaries to protect him- that's your job.   Give him freedom to see/talk to his friends and explore his interests. 

You've got this- Dad/S-mum have quite a bit of rope right now, let them be the ones to screw it up.  I do think you may be surprised at some of the benefits  once you have had  chance for the horror and shock to wear off.

[mamato3]

At this stage, from next year, ds will be living with his uNPD Dad and uNPD smum during the week and seeing me on weekends. Barring a miracle.

AOD

By next year do you mean starting in September for the new school year?

[Arkhangelsk]

The psych eval was one of the worst experiences for me.  It was profoundly short.  No time for nuance, which is perfect for a PD and fairly bad for someone who has to explain what life is like with a PD.  My ex and I both took a standardized psych test - his report came back....totally clean.  My report came back with a marker that I might be paranoid. 

I am not paranoid and my ex is not mentally stable.  This is the man whose response to me spending years begging him to go to counseling before finally serving him papers was to say "I am going to destroy you.  I am going to take everything from you, starting with the kids.  No one in my family will ever speak to you again and you will have no friends, nothing."  He then went on to falsely accuse me of abusing my son (which was resolved and is fine now - but was profoundly awful for all involved, including my poor child).

Here is the upside.  The psych evaluator did interview my partner.  Generally, you can insist they talk to anyone who lives with the kids.  The evaluator actually said that my partner was wonderful - literally declared him to be a better parent than both my ex and I and put in writing, "Dad needs to adjust to permanent presence of a step-father, because stepdad is a highly positive influence on the children."

The other fun fact was that the judge paid attention to exactly NONE of the report, beyond the fact that it did not unearth any major issues.  So that was many hours of my life (I prepped a massive binder of exhibits) and a ton of money down the drain for nothing but the emotional kick in the head of having my ex look better than me on paper.  I had to hire an expert, by the way, to opine that the psych evaluator did her job very badly (she failed to interview most of the doctors and all of the people that would have raised concerns about my ex, like the school principal).  Basically, I had to stand ready to neutralize the report.

Do I have any advice after all this?  Yes.  Connect with this human who interviews you.  I tried to tell the evaluator about how badly I thought my ex was hurting me and my kids.  And it just did not work.  If I could go back, I would focus on simply presenting all the ways I am a fantastic parent and I would not try to get any help labeling my ex as a bad guy.  It did not work and it hurt - like massively, massively hurt - to have the "system" fail to see me or offer any help to me.

In your case, I suspect your argument is simply - "We are amazing parents.  It benefits this kid to be with us half the time."

[Penny Lane]

Oh AOD.



I can feel the despair and sadness radiating out of the computer. And you have every reason.

This is so hard. So, so hard. No one could handle this with ease.

I get that/why you're in a dark place, I really do, but I hope you will rethink this:

It's not going to last long. Ds will tire of the travelling and won't want to spend weekends with boring old mum.  So I'm preparing myself for not being part of his life for much longer.

To me this feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I truly believe, though the court system seems to be failing him, your son still needs to to be there for him when you can. You'll be spending less time on homework and daily activities. That gives you time to plan to connect, to do wholesome fun non-school activities, to really get involved in his sports and anything else.

I am a stepmom. I don't think a stepmom can really, truly fill the role of a mom, barring circumstances way more extreme than yours. That's even a healthy stepmom but certainly not a PD. Your son still will need his mom. Please don't give up!

I really hope you can find ways to take care of yourself so you can be there for your son through this exceedingly unfair and tough time.

[athene1399]

Don't feel bad about staying low-key. You have a lot going on and have been processing a lot.  I can understand why you feel hopeless and upset.

Maybe ask your L if it will help in court that when you asked your ex for a counselor near you he said no good ones existed, then changed his mind and decided a counselor near you could be used. I mean how can something be a bad idea one second then acceptable the next? I would note all this stuff and run it by the L to see if any of it was legally important. It could be nothing, but that's what the L is for.

I also still think him storming out of mediation shows he has a temper as well. At the very least it shows how unreasonable he can be. Especially since he's banned from there. That can't look good. Maybe this counselor will actually see what is going on. Sometimes the government funded ones get all the tough PD cases, so this one may have some experience noticing the signs.  In some cases PDs have no other counselor to see than a government funded one because they've been kicked out of the rest. Try to keep an open mind if you can (i try to linger on the optimist side, but I can understand if you cannot be optimist at this point. i don't want to push you to feel a certain way.)

Make the best of your time with DS. He will enjoy the drama-free time with you. And don't feel like doing "fun" stuff is a competition. You can't be fun all the time and parents should not be their kid's best friend (at least at DS' age). Things may still work out, but be prepared that they may not. Unfortunately we can't see the future and that is so stressful in a situation like this. I will keep you in my thoughts and will send good vibes your way.

[Arkhangelsk]

I just saw the comment Penny Lane points out.

Oh, AOD - I am also so sorry.  I hope you can take the biggest deep breath.  I believe your child will see you and all the love you offer.  Sometimes our biggest job is simply to not despair - so we can keep holding out that love.

It is so hard.  And so exhausting.  But, in this moment, fighting looks like simply continuing to trudge forward without collapsing.  I hope you can reach out to some people in your life who see what a great mother you are and lean on them to reinforce it with you right now.

[Rose1]

So sorry . I hope this is just an opinion and not binding without court order. If so then I wouldnt volunteer until forced to by court. If not as others have said, don't give up. I understand the fear and it can be crippling.

But theres a good chance thst life with pd will wear thin quickly on both sides. Be there for him and see what happens. Sending a pm

[sevenyears]

Oh AOD - I am so sorry you are going through such a devastating setback. Is there something you can do to help you refocus your energy and unbury your inner strength? Yoga, walks? Anything? I know it's hard to keep fighting when the odds seem so against you - and your PD will certainly try to leverage that. What differentiates you from your PD is what you have going for you: you're stable, caring and doing everything possible in the best interest of your DS. That radiates through all of your postings. Take the time you need to regroup, and then keep doing everything you have been and still can, and continue to be there for your DS. I agree with Rose1 - don't volunteer a different parenting plan until ordered by the court. 

[Arkhangelsk]

I still reel from my psych report.  So, just sending another hug.  In my case, the judge almost completely ignored it and did not implement the recommendations.  I hope it is the same with you.

I have found that most of the counseling I have been sent to with my ex requires me to spend my time asserting my boundaries with the therapist.  There is a lot of - "Your ex wants this small thing and we need to compromise."  And my reply, "That is not a small thing - and here is why.  Here is what I think his goal is, and here are my experiences that lead me to that conclusion.  I am being bullied and it is not healthy for me.  Please help me navigate this without submitting myself for more abuse."  It is really hard to stay calm and keep repeating these things.  This is not a counselor to help you.  I recommend you get one just for you.  This has helped me be able to get a good read on the counseling the court has ordered.