Family Therapy

[HotCocoa]

the judge has ordered DS to do therapy with his abusive dad. it's either that or go back to the original custody schedule. my L told me the courts are all about reconciling families. they just don't get it. apparently 16 isn't old enough to have a say in what's best (DS said no to the therapy).

Oh boy, how often does he have to go to therapy with ex?  Be prepared for your ex to act like the best dad ever in front of therapist.  I would look for a counselor who is a man so he couldn't try to charm him.
One of my children was ordered reconciliation counseling with their father.  My child was 17 at the time and just flat out refused to go.  My lawyer got on me and stated I had to follow the order, however, we were so close to their 18th birthday and I also told my lawyer, what should I do?  Strap them to my car and force them to go?  My child was under a lot of pressure to talk about feelings they weren't prepared to talk about and the therapists are all about making everything seem rosy to the child, when that child's world was falling apart.
Courts are definantly about "reconciliation."  I feel for you, and I feel for your son.  It feels like he is walking into some minefield. 
Do what he has to do, wait for him and if you can speak to counselor as well, I would do so.  I've been following your story, it's just a matter of time before the children are of an age where custody goes away and its hard, hard to wait out, but its coming and when that day comes, your family will be most blessed.  They are truly blessed now with you as their mother, you look out for them and they know that.

[athene1399]

I am sorry, WH. I am sorry the courts didn't want to hear what DS had to say and that what he said had little weight. Maybe let DS know that he doesn't have to discuss anything in front of stbx if he doesn't want to. Like he can go to the therapy, but he doesn't have to talk about things that he things will get him in trouble. And it's okay for him to say "I'm not comfortable discussing this at this time". I like HotCocoa's idea of speaking to the counselor yourself so you can follow their "progress" and at the very least know what is being talked about if you are allowed to check in.

[hhaw]

OK, I'm hoping DS16's T will reconsider her position on seeing DS and his PD father together.

I know she has good reason not to.  I know it will be a nightmare.  I know there are no great options.

I also know that SHE understands what DS16 is up against.  She has the best opportunity to achieve whatever level of understanding the PD can achieve, and advocate for DS16 for the best possible outcome,  bc she doesn't have to be brought up to speed,  won't be manipulated by the PD, and will always always always have DS16's best interests in mind.  THESE THINGS ARE HUGE< IME.  Sometimes explaining our situation, in  the face of ignorance, and ego, is maddening.  Add the chaos of PD energy,and input.... sometimes it's impossible to remain sane, IME.

With that said, I'm hoping T will consider keeping DS16's appointments in her office, and perhaps borrowing another T's office to see the PD, so as not to taint DS16's safe space.

I know T's who share space every day.  I know some who borrow space temporarily. 

In any case, I wish your DS an experience that enlightens, protects, and teaches expanded resilience, coping strategies, compassion for himself and the PD.  I'm hoping DS gains life long wisdom that serves him through his entire life, bc this ongoing trial can be a teaching experience, just as it can be ongoing trauma.  It's how we frame it sometimes, IME.   

I hope his sister benefits from it somehow too.

[Whiteheron]

I just can't even...

GAL is asking that we provide a "united front" in telling DS he must do therapy with his dad. I am to tell him that his dad and I both want this for him and feel it's the best path forward. Nope. Not happening. I will not lie to my child and tell him I am supporting something I am completely against. WTactualF is wrong with these people?

Besides, I already told DS about the T - I had asked permission first, of course, but didn't receive a timely response. Better he hear it from me than his T or stbx. DS is very upset about it. Of course, now stbx's L's office is sending out emails about how the GAL should be the one to tell DS and that the 'concerned parties' should be the ones to choose the T and schedule the appts. I strongly objected, but I haven't heard back yet. stbx should have zero involvement in this process. I'm so done. I'm ready to explode. Grrrr.

[hhaw]

Whiteheron:

What exactly does your current child custody agreement say?

At some point kids grow up enough to insist visitation be safe, and they refuse visitation that's unsafe. 

Forcing visitation through the courts, or police force isn't typically something that happens with older children.

And, your kids are headed to no contact with their PD father at this rate, IMO. 

If the PD continues forcing unsafe visitation on them.... how do you see that working out?

What are your children saying about their father at this point?  About how they feel about him?  I think they feel trapped, and cornered, and threatened.... what are they saying about that?

What do THEY WANT in a visitation schedule?>

[Whiteheron]

The current agreement is temporary. It was made after the psych eval so that I could get out of the house. It states stbx will have one overnight a week and every other weekend, friday afternoon -mon morning. The goal seems to be to get back to this - but honestly, I don't see that happening.

Of course, stbx'x L is still pushing for 50/50 custody (and really getting under the judge's skin).

I think that if they continue to be forced to go, that they will ultimately refuse. Which is their right, and their respective T's have told them as much.

Before his dinner with the kids last week, he showed up early to the school (one child had an after school activity, he was picking both kids up afterwards), and made it known he was there. DD saw him lurking around the entrance doors and told me it was very creepy. Kids were not happy about any of this and expressed as much to their fellow classmates. One is also a child of divorce and told DS she understood - she hadn't seen her dad in almost a year.

Kids are feeling...I'm not exactly sure what, but they are realizing that they are basically on their own when it comes to stbx. They can tell the GAL about his behaviors, but will face the repercussions from stbx and be forced to stay with him anyways. I think there is hopelessness and despair right now. DS keeps saying that no matter what, he's screwed.

Ideally, the kids would want a dinner or two a week. They still want to see their dad, but limit the time to a few hours per visit.

I think they really enjoyed the peace and relaxation they had when they were with me. They were free to be themselves, express themselves and just be. We fell into a nice rhythm, which I think is part of what DD is protesting - the disruption of that rhythm and feeling of security and acceptance.  The kids seemed much lighter and stress free.

[Penny Lane]

I think your best move here is to look to the court like you support an eventual return to that schedule, while privately preparing for the likelihood that it will never happen. If your attitude is "yes I would love for him to get to see the kids more as soon as he's able" I think the judge is more likely to listen when you say "I think he needs to show XYZ to show that he's able." You know? That will be a huuuuge contrast to Mr. "I demand to have 50/50 so I can scare and abuse the kids more regularly."

[hhaw]

Sometimes the kids get put in harms way in order for us to document the harm, hence provide the opportunity to put protections in place.

That's the sunny side of the kids getting traumatized with the PD, if there's ever a sunny side.

I really don't want the family T sessions to be more trauma for ds.  It could be the best thing to happen to ds, or the worst.  We can't know, but we have an idea IF the PD gets to select the T, tell his story, and guide the T.  It happened to me, and it was a terrifying experience that lead to that final courtroom battle with the Judge writing a bullet proof Order AND ordering the PDs to pay my attorney fees.  I couldn't have known all the moments of upset, and alarm were leading to the best possible outcome I could have asked for, but darnit..... it was so hard, and expensive, and my girls and I were really harmed through the ongoing PD struggle.

I hope the kids do refuse visitation they aren't comfortable with.  I hope their Ts help them make peace with their PD f's ongoing PD behaviors, bc it will won't likely end.

[pony]

I'm a recently retired educator. When students talked to me about divorce, custody, visitation, or whatever was on their mind, I told them that everyone has a voice. They have a voice! And in all situations they need to use their voice and be heard. I told them that they had the right to say what they want/need, to be heard, and  to be respected.

I knew kids as young as 6 or 7 who refused to go with a parent. I knew kids forced into counseling who sat and stared at a spot in the wall for 45 minutes, mute.  They did not want counseling and refused to participate. Kids have power. Some know how to use it. Others don't even realize they have it.  Every child should have phone access and be able to call 911 if the situation is dangerous. They should be able to call either parent at will. They should be able to say no to a visitation. If there is a standoff, a parent cannot typically force a child into a car. Even the police won't force a child to leave with a parent for visitation. The magic words are "I don't feel safe."

[Findingmyvoice]

I can offer my own experience.  We don't have GAL exactly in our country, but our kids have been appointed their own legal counsel so I guess its kind of the same thing.
The kids lawyer specifically proposed that one of my twin daughters attend counseling with exBPDw in order to "improve their relationship". As a result, the judge allowed this daughter the power to choose whether or not she attends the mid week overnight with exBPDw.  The understanding was that she needed time away to improve their relationship, but counseling was an active way to make improvements rather than just avoidance.

I was not in favor of the counseling either, as I knew how eexBPDw used counseling with me in the past and how I was emotionally punished afterwards if I exposed to the counselor what was going on.  Luckily, I chose the counselor that daughter and exBPDw would attend.  The children see this counselor individually and I also see her so she knows the entire situation.
The counseling has been once a month since about March.  Recently, just last month exBPDw told off the counselor because the counselor told her that counseling was not proving to be helpful. (and I assume that she would not continue counseling them).
This is all second hand information I heard from my daughter

Not surprising as we went through two marriage counselors in exactly the same way.  One counselor actually stopped counseling us twice.  She decided to take us back as exBPDw promised to show some changes, but in the end she terminated counseling with us because of an abusive episode from exBPDw towards me in the parking lot.

The upside is now we have another voice for the kids.
This counselor talks directly with the kids lawyer.

Even though I did not support her going to counseling with exBPDw, I was obligated to comply with the court order.
As difficult as it was, I told my daughter "You are doing this to improve your relationship with your mother" and encouraged her to attend.  I had to have a canned phrase to repeat so that my daughter was getting a consistent message from me, this may be important if her lawyer asks questions about this.  It will be easier for her to respond to the lawyer and the last thing that we need is for my daughter to say "dad tells me I shouldn't have to go".  This can be spun as parental alienation or me trying to thwart attempts for reconciliation.

I also encouraged her to talk to the counselor privately if she did not feel comfortable saying things in front of her mother, to be open with the counselor about the way she is being treated by exBPDw, and I also let my daughter know that this is one of the ways that she can make a change to the situation and have her voice heard.

I did talk to the counselor directly about my concerns regarding exBPDws intimidation tactics in the past and how she may use counseling against our daughter.  This may be a risky move if you don't know the counselor.

In all of this you need to analyze your own actions.  You need to think about how your actions will be viewed by an outside party.  You do not want to appear that you are trying to influence the outcome of the counseling, the outcome of any decision the counselor may make or the outcome of any decision the GAL or judge may make.  The judge should know your stance on parenting by now, that's really the only influence you have over the judge's decision.

[Free2Bme]

WH,

IMHO- take caution putting DS in T with a PD dad. 

My experience- 
So, H had an episode of particularly intense rage (prior to divorce), so I scheduled a session for our 4 children with our marriage T for an intervention style session.  The purpose was each child 10-16yo to voice how their fathers rage and controlling behavior was affecting them.  My uNPDh sat there smugly, feigning humility and smirking (figuring  he had the T under his spell).  It was VERY painful to watch the children have to brave up in front of the abuser.  The kids and I left that day thinking "oh no, now what?".

After the "family" session, my H had a 1:1 session with T, per the plan.  Next,  I had a 1:1, and my T told me that my H had told him (in previous 1:1 session) that the 4 children and I all had anger issues, and were all crazy.  We were the problem, right?   

This "family" session caused more stress because we were subjected to whatever he would throw our way (gaslighting, manipulation, trauma) to punish for breaking our silence, he didn't want to be exposed.  The only thing that changed was H behaviors intensified, T called it "decompensation". 

The net effect to the children was that it reinforced to them his omnipotence; 1-you'll never go up against dad and get a fair shake, and 2-therapy is useless and powerless over dad because rules don't apply to him, this set my kids up for discouragement.

However, this was only MY experience.  Although there are many similarities among our stories in this group, only you know your DS , your situation, and what's best.  My intention is not to convolute the issue. 

Considerations:
He may force the trial anyway, does he "present" well? (Mine would have won the courtroom to his side and made me look like crazytown).
Would he agree to a GAL?
What does DS want ?

My heart goes out to you White Heron, hang in there !

[Findingmyvoice]

Free2B and WH
I agree, going up against an abuser or personality disordered person is scary no matter what.
You might feel safe in the room with the counselor, but you can be sure you will pay for it afterwards.

You have to weigh the situation and decide if it's worth fighting for.
I agree with Free2B that sometimes it is better to take the path of least resistance, especially if it will result in less stress for the family and less abuse.  There is always a choice.  It may be two bad choices when you are with a PD but there is always a choice.

In my case my daughter and exBPDw were in constant conflict anyways.  My daughter was constantly coming home with stories of accusations, threats, verbal and physical abuse both before the counseling and afterwards. 
The legal system in my country seems completely useless in this situation.  Neither me nor my daughter wanted to have this counseling, but I hope in the end that the counselor exposes exBPDws true behavior and motives to the kids lawyer and judge.

It is sickening to put a child in harm's way.  Every time that we went to court and the judge relaxed supervision, awarded more visitation, overnights, blocks of parenting time it felt this way.  Waiting for the next time that my daughter calls me from behind her bedroom or bathroom door in tears.  Everything has been presented to the judge and told to the kid's lawyer and nothing comes from it.

Without a third party to witness what is going on, its your word against theirs.

[Whiteheron]

I really don't know what will happen. The one counselor the GAL was advised to call does not touch court cases. There was no one else on the list, so I'm not sure what will happen. I am certainly not going to bring it up. DS is almost 16. He should have a voice. I hate how everyone tiptoes around stbx. He shouts loudly and everyone steps up to accommodate him. The kids speak up and what happens? They are punished.

We go in front of a new judge very soon. I am not sure what this judge will think/say/do. This person has zero knowledge of our case. Hopefully family T doesn't come up at all. DS is very clear about not wanting to go and is extremely upset that no one is listening (and that I can't make it stop).

According to DD, DS is now the favored child (again), so I suspect a hoover. Maybe stbx won't push for family T if he thinks DS is back on his side? Who knows.

I have told DS's T, my L and DD's T (I probably said too much to her - I strongly suggested I didn't think it would work and why) that I didn't agree with this T. No one else knows. To the rest of the people involved, I will be neutral about it. DS would be hurt if I jumped on board and appeared to support T with his dad.

Ideally I would like to be able to speak to a potential counselor and tell them the facts. stbx is dx with a mental illness, when the kids speak out against his behaviors, they are punished (I have text messages from both kids 'proving' this), DS's T will be allowed to speak to the T and can back up what I say.

Something else that's come up - DS's T hasn't spoken to stbx about DS's depression. I was told it could be used against the T in some way. I let the T know, and she replied that it's not part of any T's practice with adolescents to involve either parent in the T (unless there's a concern of self-harm, harm to others) or to hold a private session with one parent (aside from the intake session). The only reason I know anything is because I pick him up and she asks me for updates about what's going on and from DS's prescribing doc. She told me that in the case of DD it's different because of her younger age. I just don't understand. Someone is actually on DS's side, cares about him and his well being and it could be used against her because she isn't involving stbx? As is normal for adolescent T's? Has anyone run into this before?

[hhaw]

IME Judges talk amonst themselves.   Their file clerks and law clerks and deputies talk too.   It's hoped your old Judge will fill the new Judge in.  Sometimes attorneys chat and golf with Judges, and sometimes it's THE Judge, and sometimes it's a Judge the other Judge knows.   It's a good'ol boy club, and it works for and against us.  YOU have a better than good chance that it would work FOR you this time, IME.

If I were you I'd put together a notebook with all the evidence you NEED a court appointed T to KNOW before they see your son or the PD.  Let the T make copies.  Do not let the T KEEP the notebook.  Make sure you provide filed and stamped documents if you have them, and all the evidence of abuse, intimidations, and bullying.... the PD's mental health problems, and evidence of same.

I made the mistake of NOT doing that,  and the PDs frothed up the Court Appt T (CAT) so that I had to drive 2 States away, and pull together a bunch of evidence to COUNTER their lies.... all lies, and with zero eviedence to back it up, so the Judge could clearly SEE the CAT was talking out her hoo haw. 

Sometimes things appear dark, all is lost, and then you find the PDs actually shot themselves in the foot with their overkill over the top handling of the CAT, and the kids, and their attorney, who can sometimes show their arse in court, OR sabotage the PD by providing info to opposing counsel, or allowing the PD to make suicidal decisions in court.  I've seen all those things happen in civil court, and once in Criminal court the DA threatened to give the case to a baby ADA if the PDs didn't shut their yaps, and stop ordering him around.

Court officers are human.   That means they can be mani;ulated,  but it also means they resent being jerked around, and lied to.  They're punitive.  They have egos.  They LIKE TO SEE EVIDENCE, but they don't always require it to rule.  When they've calmed down, the KNOW they should have ruled with the evidence, and sometimes reverse themselves if they've screwed things up too badly, IME. 

THe only times I've lost a case, that same dumb Judge reversed himself, and had second trials I won, BUT OMG, what a gutting shattering shock to believe we lost for the day we thought we'd lost.  The PDs always get to someone,  but they can't often convince everyone of their lies, IME. 

Not if we stay calm, and focused in OUR evidence.  Not if our stories line up with that evidence, which means we're presenting the details we can prove, not all the PD details that sound insane, and can't be proven.

The evidence you have of the PD bullying the kids is very important,  IME. 

THe evidence you have of his mental illeness is HUGE, IME.

The fact the kids don't feel comfortable/safe when they're alone with the PD is key, iMO.

You aren't asking to cut the PD out of his childrens' lives.  You're asking the court to honor your children's desire to feel safe, and see their father in a way that prevents fear,  and being locked into rooms, and terrorized for hours when they fail to do as he commands regarding court. 

Remember, the kids are to be left OUT OF THE ADULT CONFLICT.  The PD has failed to do that, and that should cost him the ability to drag the kids behind closed doors, and terrorize them in private.  It's wrong  It's something they should be protected from SINCE THEY"RE ASKING FOR PROTECTIONS. 

It's obvious to me you aren't trying to alienate these children.  It was obvious in my case too.  My kids were kind and loved my In Laws.... bc I never said a bad word about them, had them write thank yous, and holiday cards, and invivations to GP events the never said YES to.  All documented. All presented, and taken into account.

Your kids love their father.  They just want to see him in public places, and not get dragged behind closed doors and emotionally traumatized.   What T, Judge, GAL can disagree with the kids and you on that one?

Just continue presenting yourself as willing to help the mentally ill PD be the best darned father he can be.

You aren't keeping the kids from him. 

HIS conduct is limiting the kind of time he can spend with his kids.

That's a shame, but it's also a truth you can document, and find advocates to help your kids show this Judge they have valid concerns.   They'll welcome overnights and time alone with their father once he stops involving them in the adult conflict and scaring them.

You can't tell the court officers it's "unacceptable."  You have to present your evidence, without expectation, and calmly allow to come to their own conclusions.

If you can promise the kids they don't have to accept overnight visits with their father, or any that provide enough privacy for him to drag them behind locked doors and badger, verbally terrorize them until they break down..... if you can promise them that, and follow through with it.... the kids will likely be more cooperative with speaking their truth, and helping the Court protect them.

It sounds like you might be able to pull that off.

About the T... she might be intimidated by the PD, and fear she'll have complaints filed against her or lawsuits.  REmind her gently, but firmly, she's one of the people standing up for ds.  She's an advocate with a duty to that child. 

Sometimes they get very scared, and have to be reminded, IME.

If nothing else... can you make sure the kids have activities and overnights that fall on the PD's time UNTIL the court stuff is buttoned up?  Kids get older, and they have activities, social activities, and lives separate from their parents.  It's not personal, and it's normal... Judges want kids to make all their activities, IME.

Good luck,

[Whiteheron]

Thanks hhaw. I'm afraid we will only be able to rely on the clerks and GAL. I had forgotten she sat in on all of the sessions and took notes. She would know that the judge was becoming increasingly frustrated with stbx and his antics.

My L is fairly certain that stbx won't walk away with 50% custody - not after what happened with the GAL and DS. As for overnights - the goal is to return to them, but my L is telling me to sit tight and wait for stbx to shoot himself in the foot, so to speak. Meanwhile I'm a basket case and Ds is suffering. DD is in a fog of denial and refuses to let any of this affect her, even though it is having a negative effect on her grades.

I have nothing stamped or official to give to a T. I do have stbx's medical records and T records (I guess those are considered official?). I can excerpt the parts where it dx him as bipolar and mentions the medications he's supposed to be taking. I have the GAL's actions (temporarily removing the kids from his custody), I have DS's pediatrician reports and can sign a waiver so new T can speak with the pediatrician. Most of DS's problems revolve around his dad and his dad's behaviors. Pediatrician knows this, current T knows this, GAL knows this. I had nothing to do with/no influence over what DS told any of these professionals. I can't imagine a new T dismissing all of this. I also have an email from one of DS's teachers and an email DS sent to a friend detailing some of the abuse. Those are a few years old though. They are part of the court record (in fact, most of what I've mentioned is), so it's not like I would be coming up with "new evidence" to use against him that he could potentially argue about.

I encourage the kids to have a relationship with my stbx-In-Laws (even though they're become flying monkeys), I always speak about them in a good light. I encourage the kids to think of stbx on important holidays and I am always on the lookout for gifts he might appreciate coming from the kids. (which is the complete opposite of what stbx does- he refuses to let the kids get what they want for me, but that could be an entire new post!). 

I do want the kids to have a relationship with their dad. I do want to restrict it though (not that I have that power). I feel that the current visitation schedule is too much. They are not getting their homework/studying done at his house, and it's showing. Ideally they would be back with me earlier on Sunday so they can prepare for the school week ahead. As it is, DD just downloaded an app on her phone which will allow her to secretly do her homework at his house today without him knowing. How insane is that??

Kids refuse to have activities on stbx's time. DD does have a short activity one day each weekend, but that's it. DS will not have friends over/go over to a friend's house when at his dad's because he knows it angers his dad. Same with DD. They usually save their friend time for my house. Stbx has loudly complained to the court/through the L's ($$$) when I have "scheduled" activities for his time - because I ask him if it's ok of DD goes to a birthday party, he feels he can't say no, therefore I'm sabotaging his limited time with her - that kind of thing.

And you are 100% correct, he is the one who is sabotaging his time with the kids. Part of me wonders if he's subconsciously doing it...I could imagine he wants to look like he wants the kids 50%, but deep down he knows he can't handle it, it's too stressful, so he sabotages. I imagine it would be a relief to him to not have to put up that front, not that he would ever admit it, but deep down, where his true self resides...

[hhaw]

At some point the kids get older, and have friends and social obligations, like bd parties.

That was one thing the PDs often took a pass on... they'd say...
"We'll skip our weekend, and the girls can go to that bd party I guess." 

They just didn't want to have to bother or drive the long distance if they couldn't just do what they wanted to do, which was almost always doing something with and for the grandchildren they got to see every day.

I'm shocked the PD has the kids trained to completely shut down their activities FOR HIM, particularly when it's not fun, and sometimes much worse.

A Judge would likely not punish you for bringing up bd parties, and other normal activities kids get to participate in.  Even if the PD squeels about you sabotaging his time....  tough titties.... that's being  a parent, IME.

A Judge should see attending bd parties as something YOU COULDN'T plan, and can't control. It's not personal, or an attempt to deny him something he deserves.  Kids want to see their freinds, and that's a huge part of my children's social lives.  They care. They make gifts.  They enjoy special food at special places, and they celebrate....  every friend gets to feel special, and appreciated.  The girls want to attend many of the school gatherings, and dances, and field trips too. 

Good parents facilitate a healthy social life for our children.   Immature, selfish parents fork it up, IME.

My girls would kicked and screamed when they thought they might miss a party. 

I get this sick dark feeling and the words "trauma bonded"  come up around your PD ex's reactions to the kids wanting to do kid things on HIS time.  This is their time with him, not HIS time with them. 

Kids not daring to upset a parent, bc they fear the reaction, is scary, IMO.  Evidence of that can be layered, and effective, IME.

I'd be arranging the visits around the parties, and activities, and I'd stay focused on what's best for the kids in my e mails.... I'd be hoping the PD  whines and plays the victim so the court can see the PD is prioritizing his wants over the kids' best interests.

I'd word things very carefully... very subtly....


Dear BPD PD:

DD wants to attend Ted's bd party Saturdy at 1pm, which is on your time.  If it's a problem I can take her, then drop her off at your place afterwards.  DD has her outfit picked out, and gift wrapped in anticipation of attending.  Her T said it would be good if DD could attend more social activities as she's getting older, and becomes more independent.  Please let me know how I can help so DD can have her visit and attend the party this weekend.    (Pick and choose what you feel the PD would respond to with the most truth.)

Further,  missing the ice cream orietation at school in July was very upsetting for DD.   She didn't know where any of her classes were, or which buildings they were in.  She was dissapointed she couldn't attend, and that you couldn't be there with her.  Again, I'll held with driving, and drop offs if it helps DD make these events. 

What are your thoughts?

Thanks,
WH

That sort of thing, but  very pointed and focused on what you feel will yield the most clarity. 

Kids have lives, and good parents make sure the kids get to BE at normal events, IME.

Judges really frown when parents screw up their kids activities and fail to put the kid's first, IME.

I'm sorry this is so difficult, WH. 

[Whiteheron]

stbx went ahead and set up an appt for family T between himself and DS. For next week. Without consulting with me, without telling DS (who has a conflict on the day/time in question), without involving the GAL or DS's T.

Whomever this happens with is supposed to be mutually agreed upon and DS is supposed to be able to meet with this person ahead of time. DS's T is also to be kept in the loop, as she is to speak with this T on a regular basis.

I can only guess stbx or his L was eager to make an impression on the new judge? Or to get this 'approved' by my L before going in front of the new judge this week? Btw - my L did not give her approval and in fact questioned why this even happened without anyone knowing about it.

Hopefully the new judge sees what this is all about - control and manipulation.

I did tell DS today that if it does have to happen, he can tell, the T it's not safe for him to open up in front of his dad, and he can cite the GAL example. I also told him that he didn't have to say anything in the sessions. I tried to tell him that while he didn't have control over whether he has to go or not, he does have control over what he divulges, or chooses not to, in these sessions.

I am so sick and tired of this. 

[athene1399]

IMO this can't look good. No one who was supposed to be involved was. He's supposed to be earning the trust of you and the judge, and I would think this does the opposite.

I know I am a bit paranoid, but maybe he's trying to show that you will only put a stop to this. So maybe you should just notify DS's T and the GAL about the appointment and have your L remind stbx that he is supposed to run this by everyone without just doing it, and that you passed on the information to those who needed it this time around. That way it doesn't look like you are intentionally blocking anything or going against the court order of the family T, but you are still reminding stbx that next time he is expected to adhere to the rules. I really hope stbx shot himself in the foot doing this.

I think what you explained to DS is great. He has no reason to trust this T without her/him earning that trust first. And he doesn't have to open up about anything in front of stbx if he is uncomfortable doing so.

[Whiteheron]

He's not following the procedure agreed upon in front of the previous judge, both L's, and the GAL. And yes, they are blaming me for not allowing this to happen. All my L said was that this wasn't agreed upon and didn't follow the proper steps. Now they are claiming an appt I made for DS with an affiliate of the local hospital for health (non-court) related reasons is actually T for DS. This appt was known about and spoken about in front of the previous judge (I have no idea why, since it's not related). So why act surprised for the new judge? Once again, I'm being painted as a scheming, conniving, undermining stbxw.  I will just keep plowing along with my head down, keeping the health/best interests of the kids first, and showing through my actions that I am not this person they are trying to claim I am. I am really exhausted.

[Penny Lane]

Sorry - "they" who are blaming you, is that stbx and his lawyer? or the GAL and the judge?

If it's stbx I would say, judges hear a LOT of excuses for why someone didn't follow the agreement. "It was the other party's fault for this insane reason that I just made up" is common and I get the sense that it's not well received.

I know you probably don't want to spend a lot of energy guessing what the judge will do. But my thought is that this new judge's first introduction to stbx is him not following an agreement then blaming you for his bad actions. I doubt this judge will be impressed.

I know you're tired, I know this is the worst. But hang in there. I really do think you're closer to a resolution than it seems. When H was in court things always got really, really bad before they got resolved. And usually in his favor.