Indirect accusations from SIL

[Danie]

I agree with both of you!! The problem is my H and his codependency on his brother! That was H's words "wait and see".  I am suffering over this and am not sure what to do.
My husband has some money he inherited in an account that would cover what I personally invested from my inherited money. I suggested I take that account from him (not marital money) and if he wants to continue on with his brother with his own money and time he's welcome to as far as I'm concerned.

SIL and BIL are too dysfunctional to try to talk to alone. They defer to H and manipulate his tender heart. I alone could "force a sale", but it would cause a lot of chaos with my husband and I. I might have to do that.

The whole arrangement is called "Tenants-in-common" and legally you are supposed to let people out of it if they want out. I'm hoping and praying that H sees the light soon and we can work together.

I don't trust SIL or BIL. Thirteen years ago they said they would work on getting their own mortgage and getting us off of theirs. Well, they still have no equity because they take trips every year to Hawaii, SanDiego, New York, Mexico!  BIL told us at the meeting that the cabin association wanted to replace the docks. Well BIL was complaining to us about that expense!! He even only pays half of what all the other 7 cabins pay because we split it.

Yes it is a mess. I am staying vigilant.

[square]

People issues aside, it sounds like the legal/financial entanglement is solvable.

The deal is: you're out, or they're out. You bow out and they deal with it. Or if they want to simplify it, they can bow out and you'll take it. The end.

But if that happens... omg... change locks... the answer is NO NO NO NO NO if they ever want to use it... just ONCE... we'll PAY RENT for it... NOOOOOOO.

I do understand the family entanglement is huge. But you know what? THEY blew it up when THEY deceived you. Not you. THEM.

[Danie]

That's great analysis. I agree totally. Unfortunately my H is still trying and is being stubborn so I'm focusing on my mental health and he can work his process. I'll be there when he comes around. H had a conversation with his brother last night (BIL) and was cut short, BIL was tired  , and H looked pale and upset when he got off the phone.
Among other topics I guess we were accused of more things! 1.) We didn't respond accurately to one of their friends. OMG. They think they are going to monitor our behavior. And even worse, BIL said, "you want nice things there and get mad if they get wrecked".
This is totally fabricated! We've never gotten mad, nothing has been wrecked and we hardly have anything there.
My theory is they want us gone and are trying to wear us down because now they can verbally talk the banker into another loan to keep it. I feel angry and revengeful, but not going to go down that road. I'm going to look ahead at better times and be glad when we're done with them.

[nanotech]

I'm 100 per cent with you.
I've experience of times when my husband hasn't seen how some things his family did were crossing boundaries.
I found that if I tried too much to make him see, he would become defensive.  So I started to take a step back, and what I found was that he would then be more likely to see the issue for what it was.
They start off looking though different eyes. I don't doubt that from the way you described how he came off the phone, your husband is as upset and worried as you. He's just easier for them to get around.
At the moment.
But we all have our limits.

Anything they might say about your cabin usage, just ignore - try not to feel upset,  or  become defensive on it. I'm not sure why they are doing that, other than it's a side swipe, just to distract. Smoke and mirrors, maybe.
Don't let them come between a good team. I think they may be trying a 'divide and rule' policy.  You and your husband are at different points along the path, but you have the same goal.

[Danie]

Thank you Nanotech. I think I can handle it from here. I find when I adhere to healthy behaviors, like focusing on myself instead of trying to figure them, out I usually end up in a better place. It feels bad now, but in the long run things will work out. And some good advice I learned about worrying is basically not to worry about something you can't fix, but be confident you can handle it when it happens.

[nanotech]

Yes I can see from reading your posts more closely, that you were stepping back anyway. Great move.
I think the best thing I learned, ( fairly recently!)  is  that worrying isn't in any sense a form of control.
In of itself, it won't produce a good outcome.

We can develop a mistaken impression that we MUST worry each time a difficulty arises, because there was a good outcome in the past, when we worried!  Yet the good outcome was, in reality, never the result of us worrying. It's just that the two actions become linked as cause and effect. The brain likes to find meaning where there's none sometimes! Xx

[Danie]

It will be almost 2 months since we had our cabin meeting, in a bar, where my SIL accused me of labeling condiments in the refrigerator which is not what one does when sharing a family cabin. According to her, I've also purchased and placed nice things, in our shared family cabin, as a way to highlight the financial inequity between their family and ours.
SIL, BIL and their 3 children will be coming on December 26th to spend the day with us and I am extremely anxious about it because nothing was really solved and SIL is not working on anything to change her attitude, as far as I know. I understand my husband needs his relatives and I support him. It's just really difficult to have to entertain them when I feel confused, blamed and frustrated. So I have to get through the day faking it and not being myself. My husband has chosen to carry on with sharing a cabin with them and pretend there isn't any personality conflict. He does get along with his brother pretty well. It seems BIL and SIL have turned me into the villain, in this situation, and they reinforce this by treating me as if I'm almost invisible and it hurts. I am choosing to think of the day as celebrating Christmas with my husband and the rest of the people are just miscellaneous.
I'm writing this as a way to validate my own feelings, anxiety-stress-confusion-anger, because the rest of the group chooses to not really deal with it and I don't want to stuff my feelings. Throughout the day I am going to stop-breathe and remind myself that my feelings are valid and I'm just going along to keep the peace.

[daughter]

Me, if put in situation of being compelled to entertain hostile folks in my own home, I would respond, very calmly and businesslike, to rude or disdainful comments with a "oh, that's not nice" and "oh, that's not kind" statements in response. I'd not provoke, but I'd also not let bad behavior go unnoted.  The sooner you redirect SIL, the sooner she'll watch herself.

[goodgirl]

SIL, BIL and their 3 children will be coming on December 26th to spend the day with us and I am extremely anxious about it because nothing was really solved and SIL is not working on anything to change her attitude, as far as I know. I understand my husband needs his relatives and I support him. It's just really difficult to have to entertain them when I feel confused, blamed and frustrated. So I have to get through the day faking it and not being myself.

Where is your husband in all this?  Yes, I get he loves/wants to spend time with his brother, but he also has a responsibility to you. I'm not saying he should cancel the visit (is this in your home or the cabin?) but he should at least be taking on the lion's share of entertaining/planning/hosting because it's not fair to have you waiting on people who treat you so badly.

[Hilltop]

And even worse, BIL said, "you want nice things there and get mad if they get wrecked".
This is totally fabricated! We've never gotten mad, nothing has been wrecked and we hardly have anything there.

According to her, I've also purchased and placed nice things, in our shared family cabin, as a way to highlight the financial inequity between their family and ours.

I have no idea about the legal aspect of things but there seems to be a communication break down. You mention an antique bowl you labelled with your initials that you didn't want thrown out.  There are nice sheets you bought that you didn't want used.  There seems to be comments that you hardly have anything there however there are comments about nice things you have bought to the cabin.

To start with, I would not have anything new or nice at the cabin.  If you want nice sheets, take them with you when you go to stay and bring them home.  Have normal bowls etc so if they break it doesn't matter and it also doesn't matter who uses them.  I wouldn't decorate the place with anything nice.  If there are other people visiting, friends of your BIL things can go missing or be broken.

Your SIL has anxiety and other things which means she may not be communicating well although she may be trying.  Don't take anything personally. 

I can't say anything about what's happening legally or what you should do however if you are sharing I would change how you approach common items in the cabin.  Remove the antique bowl, if the sheets went missing I would ignore this however I would no longer store any items there, just take sheets etc with you or buy really cheap ones to keep there so if they go missing again, it doesn't matter.

It's normal to replace any used item if it needs replacing.  Perhaps there should be a common rule that any food item is for common use however if it's used and needs to be replaced, it gets replaced before whoever is there leaves, unless it's something with an expiry.

If things are really bad the only other thing is if you have a set bedroom you use and it's considered yours perhaps you could put a lock on it and no one else uses it in your absence.  I don't know how many bedrooms there are or if your BIL friends would use all the bedrooms.  If others are going to use all the bedrooms, I certainly wouldn't want to keep anything of mine there.

It's great you are going to take a step back.  If you are going to help pay for a deck then I would want to know I will feel welcome coming to use the cabin.  If your SIL is having to spend an hour putting your stuff away for each visit I would want to check to see what stuff she is having to move.  I would do this so I could move it myself or think about storing it differently.  I would follow up with them and say that with time to think about it you don't want to inconvenience her and I would get her to list the items, that way you can ascertain if she has a genuine gripe or if she projecting, considering she has stuff spread everywhere.  There should be no reason she can't let you know what items she has to move, but if she does give you a list, perhaps you can think about storing things differently which will help in a common space.  I would take the emotion out of it.  If she can't come up with a list then you start getting a picture of her being irrational.  Then you can start to think about whether it is worth it, sharing a cabin with an irrational person.

[Danie]

Thank you HILLTOP for breaking it down for me. I like your suggestions, but am I going too far to accommodate her when she doesn't communicate much - only when she was mad? I don't know. At least if I do that I'm covered and can't be blamed for decorating with "nice" things. The few nice things I did add were meant for everyone's use or enjoyment and only to the room that is designated ours (which I know they use) and we're fine with!  A wind-up alarm clock for $38.00, a framed and signed original photo from a friend who is a well-known photographer. The bowl is really a garage-sale quality, but I just so happened to like it. That's it!! I sware. The bedsheets, I think she thinks they're nice because it's a set and they match - from Walmart. Yes, when we use the cabin I will place my niceties and remove them when we leave and not do any upgrades.

We had a cabin-association meeting, last Sunday, January 16, in the hometown of most of the cabin owners including SIL and BIL. It's an hour drive for us, but not a problem. SIL and BIL didn't show up. SIL is "not interested" and BIL went to a movie. They were the only ones not present out of 8 families. They can get caught up on issues (new docks-fix internet-utilities) but my husband and I are, once again, sort of confused by their behavior. It would have been such a perfect time to get together and chat about summer and the cabin! I wonder if I am blind to what the heck is going on with them. I'm back to my gut-feeling of they really don't want this situation with us, just the financial benefits of us being their collateral for their loan which they are still paying. Even if I'm correct about that, I worry that they will pull something again ad not be honest with us. I know I can't control what they do and I will survive it if they do, but this is crap. We've decided this is our trial summer with them and if they don't come around and act like they're into this we're done.

[serenitycalm]

This is just my opinion, so take it with a large grain of salt.

In your shoes, for my own sanity, I would need to do this:

My husband has some money he inherited in an account that would cover what I personally invested from my inherited money. I suggested I take that account from him (not marital money) and if he wants to continue on with his brother with his own money and time he's welcome to as far as I'm concerned.

I would need to get out entirely of all financial/legal entanglements concerning this property.

I would then take time to recover which would include taking seriously all the mental/emotional energy expended. Imagine if all the hours of struggle were paid labor? You surely are working just as hard, if not more, than that.

Then I would figure out how I can support (or not) my husband. I'd suggest a good attorney and also a therapist for him.

I worry that they will pull something again ad not be honest with us. I know I can't control what they do and I will survive it if they do, but this is crap. We've decided this is our trial summer with them and if they don't come around and act like they're into this we're done.

I personally would not be able to directly engage in a trial summer. That sounds like a set up for an anxious, difficult summer. Our time is precious.

In your situation I think I myself would also need some short term therapy to help me sort things out.

The red flags of warning are already flying briskly. I myself would need to stop trying to figure it all out, and get away. 

[Danie]

Great advice, Serenity Calm.

I see you picked out "my" statements and fed them back to me, and they are key statements.

I need to start to disconnect from this, it's too dysfunctional and my time is precious. I had disconnected, years ago, and re-connected, but it's not going well.

Thank for your directness. My therapist said BIL and SIL just wanted us as their caretakers and I never forgot that. BIL's boat (pontoon) is on the cabin property and it's trashed because he could not take care of it and he left it uncovered. He wants to buy a new one this year. He had planned on my H being his free boat mechanic, back in 2012, but I put an end to that and I wasn't popular. This is proof to me and my H that BIL had planned on H taking care of him. My H is very passive, but getting stronger, He is learning to stand up to BIL.

We have 2 other, unrelated, vacations planned for this summer. I am retired, I don't need this.

[serenitycalm]

I really feel for you in this situation Danie. It sounds utterly exhausting. Now you can reclaim all that energy drained by BIL and SIL. You and your husband can enjoy some well deserved fun this summer.

One of many reasons I personally would need to be out of that situation is because it is a slow rolling disaster that has peaks of chaos and could eventually involve a big blow out. Legal, financial, probably there are going to be more consequences for them. I'd want to be clear of that. I would not want to be pulled further into their chaos.

You deserve an enjoyable fun retirement.

[Hilltop]

They sound very difficult to deal with.  I am wondering though, would you be able to get out of this situation.  You need your BIL and SIL to agree to buy your half or sell their half if you want to buy each other out.  If you decide to sell, once again you need your BIL and SIL to agree as they own half. 

I suppose see how the summer goes but if there are ongoing issues do you think your husband is really going to go through with trying to sell, it seems he is happy with how things are.

[Danie]

New drama and a question (or 2). 
Well it's cabin season. We are (H and I) are considering this our final trial summer and so far we don't see any changes in SIL. As a matter of fact, there's more confusion as some of you predicted. It's not worth analyzing too much, but we can't wrap our head around her recent strange endeavor.

Last summer we purchased 2 paddleboards for our cabin and told BIL it they were available for them to use as well. They have 3 very sports-minded teenagers. BIL sounded gracious and said "great, the kids will like that!"  I like to stay busy and fit as well. They were kind of difficult to acquire because they are hard to transport so I ordered them online from a nearby outdoor and fleet farm type store and had them delivered. SIL and BIL fam went to cabin a couple times last year, but never said anything and we're not sure they used them....that's ok. I guess.

So, BIL's family opened the cabin this weekend. They purchased a new pontoon boat and wanted to get it in the water. They live 4-5 hours away from the cabin. BIL told my H that they also purchased 2 paddleboards. My H didn't say anything. We are confused. There's no room to store 4 of them. Without thinking negative about them (maybe they just wanted their own) is this some kind of statement from SIL?

BIL also said we will be passing nearby your home and if we break down with new boat will we go rescue him?? I don't know what my H told him, but that's pretty narcissistic if you ask me.

As I said, it's our trial year and we are considering other options. SIL, once again, is totally shut down from us. She will not talk or associate much with us. Certainly nothing about the shared cabin. Over Christmas, we saw her, and they were talking about their new boat and her goal is to teach her kids to drive it for when they go on their own! Yikes, that just shocked me. So 7 adults, their friends, they don't fix or maintain it now sharing a tiny 475 foot cabin.

I think they should find a new one since they have groups of people. What do you think?

[Danie]

One more question: my SIL has said many times to me, "It's a FAMILY cabin". I looked up family cabin and the definition is "a nostalgic idea of summer days and happiness..." I don't know what's she's trying to convey. We purchased it Tenants-in-commom. So it's 50-50 right now. We share and work it out. Any thoughts or info on this?

[bloomie]

Danie - I am sorry the lack of clear communication and what sounds like a kind of unspoken break in the relationships with your sil, at least.

The family cabin definition is pretty obviously not the same for you and your sil.

I was furious, when I figured it out, and went to an attorney who suggested we create a document around this to protect ourselves. We did this and we all agreed on some things, like, if they can't make a payment they will let us know. I felt better about it, but it definitely created some bad feelings.

This seems to be the place where the rest of this animosity you are on the receiving end comes from. A break in trust and a serious misstep by your bil/sil which they didn't expect to be confronted with, if I am understanding correctly.

Is is possible, given how much you love the cabin, to remove yourself from communication details about paddle boards, etc., and see it as a financial investment and let the 'family cabin' dream and idea go?

You have said they leave it clean and bil assists with bigger repairs. Is it possible to let that be between the two brothers and just enjoy your dream cabin?

[Danie]

Bloomie, I'm going to try. I worry that they might pull another scam so I'm kind of hyper-vigilant. As I've learned from T I cannot control some things and it doesn't do any good to worry. I can trust myself that I will handle whatever comes my way. Thanks Bloomie. Very good advice.