Mental illness, abuse or both?

[WomanInterrupted]

You handled her VERY well, and I'm glad your mom is doing better. 

Hmmm...suuuuuuuuuuuuuure she got her chest infection from  your mother, while you, who have been with your mom, pretty much daily, haven't gotten it.   

In unBPDLand, ANY excuse is a valid one, even if it's an outright lie.   

I'm glad  you were on your way out, and I'm glad you told her you don't have the money - keep repeating it like a broken record, and if you want to offer a "suggestion" to her, mention she could always clean her own house, and save money that way, as she won't have to pay a cleaner.   

It'll go over like a fart at a wedding, but it might be worth it - you suggesting she actually DO something about her own situation, for a change.

There will always be a reason why she can't - and if she mentions the dust will bother her lungs, you might want to mention they do make paper masks for that, and respirators that filter out all particulates, including dust.   

Then she'll come up with another bunch of bullshit reasons that make NO sense. 

I'd like to suggest you add another line to your Medium Chill responses:  "I don't know what to tell you, but I can't help you."   

"I can't help you" makes it perfectly clear that you are of *no use to her.*  She'll have to go to the next person on the list, or the one after that, or the one after that - there's *always* at least one backup "friend" (enabler) for her to shake down.

If she ever says something about coming back later (after being told NO), I'd say, "It won't change anything.  I can't help you."   

She probably won't come back if she *knows she's wasting her time*. 

With your mom being in the hospital, I'm actually a little surprised your sister isn't kicking up even more - but I'm glad, for you, that she's not!   

If your sister *does* start kicking up - more demands about money, more complaints about her health and needing money - if you feel brave, you might want to consider either telling her over the phone, or looking her dead in the eye and saying, "I have more important things to worry about than you, so please STOP.  I do NOT want to hear it..." - and either hang up, or tell her to LEAVE, you're on your way out *to visit your mother.*   

Yes - sometimes that actually works, because they're so shocked that somebody they normally try to kick around *actually can and will fight back.*

Didi actually *did* back down when I called her on her suicide threats, knowing I was *dead* serious about having her taken to our local psychiatric facility.

It was her way of saying, "I'm not getting what I want!" - but I called her bluff, because I was  *sick of hearing it, and being made to feel like it was MY fault* - when it wasn't. 

I think you might be fast approaching that point - and sometimes you have to be firm.

Didi threatened to drive off a bridge when I told her I couldn't take her to visit unNPD Ray, who was having a pacemaker installed (minor procedure).  I called her on the suicide threat, but what I *really* wanted to say was, "Hey, why don't you drive off the bridge on your way back from visiting Ray?"   

When you start thinking thoughts like that, it's good, because it means you're not only angry, but detaching - that's what you need to do.

It's the healthier, saner option. 

[guitarman]

Thanks WomanInterrupted. Your advice and experiences are so insightful as ever and made me laugh out loud.

My sister called me today as I was on the way to the hospital to visit our mother. I didn't answer. She needs to be kept informed about how our mother is but she's quite capable of calling the hospital. She did it when our mother was in another hospital a few weeks ago. I've since found out from her discharge notes that my sister was written down as a contact with no name against her number. Her number was above mine. She's not visited our mother for over three weeks.

My sister has threatened to drive her car off a cliff before years ago when she was in a crisis. When isn't she?

She's called again but I didn't answer the call.

My mother is sitting in an armchair today at the hospital. She's alert and talking.

guitarman

[guitarman]

My uBPD/uNPD sister called me yesterday whilst I was in the hospital about to feed our mother in bed there. She asked how our mother is then told me again about how she's caught her lung infection from her and how ill she is. She asked for £100 as there was some miscalculation in her expenses. I calmly said I wouldn't give to to her. I felt terrible but I'm glad that I said it. From what she said it sounds like she's had her computer fixed but now has a shortfall in her council tax which it feels like she's blaming me for.

So something small has escalated into something bigger but it's not my problem. I could easily fix it with money but there will be another problem to fix again and again.

She listed all the problems she's had recently that she's had to fix herself. I forget how many. It's a long list. She's the cause of most of them, no all of them by not having enough money.

The trigger for me is when she says no one cares. I don't rise the the bait and start saying and thinking that I'm not an unkind person. I know I am. I don't have to give her money to demonstrate how kind and caring I am. This is the "cognitive dissonance" I experience. She's so good at emotional and psychological manipulation. She's a master at it.

I have the "Disease to Please". I can't please her all the time. I don't suppose anyone can. There is a big hole that can't ever be filled. She'll continue to go from one disaster to another. There will always be a crisis. There will always be an emergency.

I'm so tired after visiting my frail mother. She's been so ill for a month. My sister has never visited her during that time and she lectures me about being unkind and uncaring. It just shows me that she doesn't or can't care about anyone other than herself.

I dream about one day not hearing about all her financial and health worries any more. That will only come with no contact from me. So I use Grey Rock and Medium Chill to keep calm and detached, hoping that she'll find someone else to share her many problems with. She'll find someone eventually. I've had enough.

guitarman

[WomanInterrupted]

I'm glad your mom seems like she's stabilizing - and you did an *excellent job* in handling your sister!   

No, you can't help her - or she'll be back, with her palm out, constantly, and treating you like a cash point.

She bleats a problem, and you dutifully spit out money.   

In  her mind, that's the perfect solution.   

And to list all the problems she's had to fix on her own?  Wow...welcome to REALITY, where *normal people do that stuff, every single day, without bitching a blue streak or expecting some kind of reward!*     

Most of our problems aren't of our own making, but when they are, we usually just grit our teeth, suck it up and think, "Crap. Well, that didn't work out like I thought it would..." - and set about fixing the problem.

To her, you "not caring" really translates to, "You're not giving me what I want, when I want it."   

UnBPD Didi also loved to say nobody or no-one cared and yes, it used to make me bristle.  Those words are *designed* to make you jump!  Hustle!  Move!  Do!  Give!  Give MORE!  Give until it hurts!  And keep giving, while the goalposts are ever-moving and you never manage to fix a single one of her problems because, she'll say, *you're not trying hard enough.*

It's enough to drive you mad!   

The truth is, you're only as good as the last thing you did for her, and her memory is probably astonishingly short, in that department.

You have to change how *you* feel when you hear those words - don't defend yourself.  You KNOW you're a good person, and hell, I know it too, just from reading your posts.  You're a kind, conscientious person, and you don't deserve this garbage.   

It might help to write something down and have it near your phone - like on a card in your wallet, or a pad on your desk.

What I hope will help is writing down, "Nobody cares = fishing expedition and manipulation.  I have done MORE for her than most would even consider, but I am DONE!"

Sometimes just seeing it can help.  You know it, I know it, and everybody who reads this thread or contributes to it knows it.  It's time to SEE it, for yourself, in your own handwriting and *believe it!*   

When Didi would moan, "Nobody cares about meeeeeeeee..."

I got really good at  responding with a low-key, "I'm sorry you feel that way..." - and changing the subject to the weather or gardening, immediately.   

In the last year of her life, she never did manage to figure out that her words  had no effect on me, other than to make me seethe anger into my journal, after I got her off the phone - or to post here about them, and get support.   

After Didi died, I found out she'd hoarded up the entire house, and unNPD Ray, then in his mid 80's, very unsteady on his pins and with a battery of health issues, was still living in it.   

He put a piece of bread in a toaster that was perched on a plastic box, I nearly lost my mind and gave him a couple of options - I dehoard it, or I call the fire marshal.

He wanted the stuff gone (it  was mostly Didi's) so I took  six months out of my life to make that happen, hauling stuff away by the Jeep-load and organizing countless haul-aways by charities, that often filled entire trucks! 

After I was done, I went VVVVVVVLC and you know what I started hearing?

Ray was badmouthing me to his doctors, the nurses, and anybody who would listen -  they often tried calling me, to get me involved in his care and would tell me he said, "She don't do nothing for me!  She don't care!"   

What a GREAT  dad!   

Well, after what I'd been through with Didi and what I'd learned, I was damned certain if *that* was his mindset, I was DONE.   

And I was.  It just about shit me to tears, knowing I was being smeared all over the city, but *those people don't know me.  They only know what Ray told them.  And I don't have to care, because what he's saying isn't true.*   

If your sister calls you unkind or uncaring again, you might want to say, "Hmm...what an interesting observation..." or, "I'm sorry you feel that way..." - and *change the subject.*   

You're right - your sister's life is full of manufactured drama and emergencies, usually of her own making - it might be time to start being "busy" and giving her the bum's rush off the phone.   

"Sis...you caught me at a really bad time, I gotta go -  goodbye." - then hang up, let her calls go to voice, and delete them without listening to them, for a period of time of your choosing.   

For as much as your sister calls you unkind and uncaring, *she hasn't visited your mother, or even made an effort.*  Instead of showing compassion for YOU and saying, "Guitarman, is there anything I can do for you?  How about I visit this week, and you take some time off, and I'll keep you posted on what's going  on?""

That would NEVER occur to her, because *its' not about her* and if it isn't about her, it doesn't exist or it doesn't actually matter. 

UnBPD people sometimes like to say they're empathic - what a crock!   

Your sister can only think of herself, so it's REALLY time for you to crack down on boundaries, so she gets SO sick of your anemic attention that she moves along to the next mark.   

She wants things the way they were - with you as her carer, doling out money, and listening to her screaming tantrums - and feeding her too!   

And that's just not sustainable, so you have to be kind of hard-core in shaking a Waif and letting them know the well is dry - emotionally, financially, spiritually, mentally.

You just can't do it.

And you don't *have to.   

You just have to *believe it.* 

You've been *trained* to think you have the Disease to Please - it's been drilled into your head, over and over and over again, like a broken record that you HAVE to help *somebody who really doesn't want help.*

The truth is, the only person you really need to please is *yourself.* 

[Psuedonym]

This is the most accurate one line description of a PD ever, WI:

The truth is, you're only as good as the last thing you did for her, and her memory is probably astonishingly short, in that department.

it is a bottomless pit. guitarman, you're better off doing nothing, because, as you've discovered, the moment you don't do *everything* you're treated like you've never done anything anyway.

[guitarman]

Thank you for your replies.

My uBPD/uNPD sister just called me. She wants £200. She was crying. She admitted that she's made mistakes. She says she can't cope. She has rent due. She's paid to have her laptop mended.

I listened attentively. I told her the good news that our mother is now back home from hospital. She didn't say much about that. She said that she's caught her lung infection from her.

I thanked her for calling and told her that I couldn't give her the money. She said that she didn't know what to do. I suggested that she contact her social worker or a mental health charity. She said that she feels like dying.

Be a lighthouse not a lifeboat.

I've had such a traumatic month coping with our frail elderly mother's serious illnesses. I'm so tired. She's not fully recovered yet and may never walk again. She was diagnosed with pneumonia and UTI. She's been refusing food and drink but is doing a bit better now. My sister hasn't visited her for over a month.

guitarman X

[goodgirl]

G-man, I'm so sorry for what you're going through--always with your sister, but now with your poor mother. Do you mind if I ask how old she is? My mom is 90 and one of the struggles I have now is how much to push treatment when she's not well-- basically, the question of treating her ailments or treating her for comfort. I lost my father three months ago, and in his last months he lost interest in eating and drinking, and this is actually a normal sign of final decline. If this is NOT where your mom is, I apologize and hope I caused no hurt by sharing this. B

[guitarman]

My sister just visited. She was being a total waif. She told me she has heart failure and lung problems. She said she has a big electric bill to pay and needs help moving to a cheaper property as she can't do it on her own. She said no one cares. Thankfully she didn't stay long. I've not seen her for over two months. She never visited our mother when she was gravely ill in hospital or in a nursing home. Thankfully our mother has recovered but she's not as she was before she got ill with pneumonia and UTI.

guitarman X

[SomethingElse]

Guitarman,
Why do you call her a "waif"??? What does that word/acronym mean to you? It is not someone's fault if they are homeless, certainly. Or an orphan for that matter.

[WomanInterrupted]

Hi and welcome, SomethingElse     - it's one of the 4 PD archetypes - queen, witch, hermit and waif.

Waifs like to *pretend* they're completely helpless and can't do a thing for themselves but whine to others that they NEED money, food, comfort, attention, a place to live, a car, anything you have, basically.  They just take and take and take and complain endlessly that nobody loves them or cares that they're SO sick, they're about to be homeless, they can't afford food, and it's a never-ending pity party of one, where they abdicate ALL responsibility for themselves, while demanding TOTAL control. 

The truth is waifs are *astonishingly* resourceful, once a person discards them - they always manage to find another poor sap, willing to champion their cause until they figure out what's *really* going on, and drop the waif like a hot potato.  Then the waif will find another person, and another, and another to *use.*   

Waifs LIE and have *no* ability to prioritize what's important - if it's a matter of paying rent or paying for a gym membership, they're probably going to pick the gym membership, every time, then whine and wail that they've no money for rent or food, and have to eat sugar packets, stolen from restaurants.   

Waifs are often the hardest PDs to shake, because once you help them, you're *doomed* and they just won't leave you alone until you *stop giving them anything* - time, attention, money, pity, concern, food, a shoulder to cry on, a place to live - *anything.*

They're crafty, sneaky, manipulative, and aren't above threatening suicide to get what they want - and it's incredibly destructive to those around them, who *do not deserve this constant abuse.* 

UnBPD Didi, my alleged "mother" was an unBPD waif, who got it into her head that she was OWED a hospital bed in our living room, even though she didn't need it and had a freaking house and husband, and I would wait on her hand and foot, 24/7, and treat her like an overgrown *infant.*   

That's what she wanted - to be treated like an infant, but be in *total* control of every moment, of every day!   

By using *boundaries* she never got that wish, but never stopped trying - or upping her waif games (constant health "emergencies" that were really Makitupitis), to the point that she'd cried CAAAAAANCER so many times, that when she actually DID have terminal cancer, I didn't believe her!

Well, she'd wished she was dead since I was a child, and I was happy she finally got her wish.   

Got it? 

Guitarman - I wanted to say WELL DONE! on not engaging  with your sister and getting her out of your place  as fast as possible!

She's starting to sound like a broken record, isn't she?   

Does she ever NOT bring up her heart and lung issues, or needing money and nobody cares?

She WILL figure this out on her own - she always does.   

And I'm glad to hear your mother is doing better, and is out of the hospital! 

*Please* make time for yourself, and practice *good* self-care. 

[guitarman]

 

guitarman X

[guitarman]

My uBPD/uNPD sister called me yesterday. She said that she's been told that she only has one year left to live. I asked her who has told her that. She didn't answer me. She says that she has heart failure. Then she blamed the family for causing it because of all the stress that apparently we've caused to her over the years by not helping her enough.

I listened to her. She was upset. She was bringing up things from the past that have upset her. I didn't say anything. She asked why I wasn't having a conversation with her and she told me that I was weird. I calmly said that I was listening.

I soon calmly ended the call. She rang back six or seven times but I didn't pick the phone up.

When she called she never asked how our frail elderly mother is doing. She was in hospital yesterday as she's not been drinking and eating much. I stayed with her in A&E all night and slept in a chair beside her bed. She's back home now. All the tests were negative. I didn't tell my sister that she'd been in hospital. I would of had a lecture and criticism from her about how I'm not looking after our mother well enough. My sister has only visited her once in the last four months and never visited her whilst she was in hospital twice before a few months ago.

I'm so worried and stressed about how ill our mother is. She's lost a lot of weight recently as she refuses to eat and drink much.

I can't cope with any more of my sister's problems. I have other things to worry about.

I'll start another post when this post is closed after reaching the five page limit.

guitarman X

[WomanInterrupted]

I hope your mom is doing better.   

Good for YOU for keeping it brief and not returning all those phone calls!   

Obviously it wasn't important, or she'd have left messages.

In not returning her calls, hopefully you've been demoted to NOT the first available person to swindle and cheat, and listen to her bellyaching.   

I'd like to see you *way* down at the bottom of a long list of people she'd rather try before ringing you. 

Heart failure, is it?  A year to live, you say?   

She's going to look spectacularly foolish, this time next year, when she's *exactly the same as she is now* - and conveniently won't remember having said such a thing, or she found a doctor that helped her, or whatever lie she can make up on the spur-of-the-moment.   

UnBPD  Didi had been dyyyyyyying of caaaaaaaaaancer since I was very, very small, and all those health-scares suddenly stopped when she found a new hobby - miniatures - that took over her life.  She even bought a business with her unNPD friend, C, and the two of them took great pleasure in driving a thriving business to the brink of bankruptcy  in *six months.*   

It wasn't their fault - it was all those disloyal customers and their urchin *children* that they'd follow around the shop, and make rude, loud comments, like, "SOME parents know how to WATCH their children!" 

As long as she had the business, her health was GREAT - but then the business moved to a smaller place, then a smaller place, they got kicked out and wound up in C's other garage (yes, she's got two - she lives in the country), so going over didn't seem so important - and that's when she started having her "troubles" again - because she was BORED and figured I didn't have enough to do, already.   

Pretty soon, every screening test - you know, routine tests we undergo - were, "They think I have caaaaaaancer!"   

It got so bad, that I'd get off the phone and call, "Everybody DRINK!" 

DH would give me a look that read, "You've GOT to be kidding me!" and say, "What did they do this time?  Order a colonoscopy or send her for a pap smear?"   

Be  warned - the woman who was sporadically always sick when I was young and constantly faking illness for attention when I was much older, lived to the age of 78.   

And when she DID actually have terminal lung cancer, I didn't believe her. 

I have a feeling you're going to get to that point, too.

Focus on your mom - is she willing to consider a care home, where she can be closely monitored? 

If she hasn't, it might be time to broach the idea and see what she thinks.  With luck, she'll be receptive to having a team of trained professionals nearby, at all times.   

If your mom likes the idea and wants you to look into it, *don't tell your sister until WELL after the transition is made, and she can't actually DO anything about it.* 

I'd wait at least a month - give your mom time to settle in - before letting her know anything - if then.  Perhaps next year.  Or the year after that!

If you tell her while you're making arrangements, all she'll do is make a pest out of herself, put herself in charge, veto everything, muck up plans at the last possible second, change the move date without telling anybody or suddenly hate the home your mom is moving into and *forbid* it from happening until SHE picks one - which will *never happen* because she can't be arsed and she's so, so, SO sick, and doesn't have a car again, some more, again; she needs a thousand quid to get it out of impound, and it wouldn't have been impounded if she hadn't been SO WORRIED about your mother, so you OWE her.   

Yeah.  Been there.  Done that.  Used the tee shirt to wax my Jeep.   

If you tell your sister well after the move is made, you can always tell her you can't talk to her when she's that upset, and hang up - then let the rest of her calls go unanswered for a good week or so - or maybe longer.   

For now, just take care of YOU.  You need it - and you deserve good-self care.   

And please remember to pat yourself on the back for having the courage to shove your sister's problems back to her side of the table - where they belong - by not giving an inch on your *boundaries.*

Listening *only* is a boundary - and very good one!   

[guitarman]

Thanks I really needed to read that today. I'm feeling very vulnerable and scared about my mother wasting away. The stress trying to get her to have enough nutrition and fluids is tremendous. It's so hard being responsible for keeping someone else alive. Thankfully she'll be going to a day centre for the afternoon so they can look after her for a few hours whilst I take care of myself for a bit and have a break.

I don't ever think of asking my sister to help. It never occurs to me. She lives nearby but she causes so much more trouble than my mother ever does.

My mother has a carer visit to help me with her three times a day. My sister even said before that she needs carers for herself, implying that we should pay for them!

I talk to my sister in my head when she's not here or sometimes out loud and I'm very assertive. I practice what I might say to her saying that I've had enough of all her endless problems and that I never want to see her ever again. I say I've had enough of her abuse and am not going to participate in any more of her manipulative mind games. I tell her to go find someone else to play with because I'm done.

I imagine that would trigger a suicidal rant and meltdown if I actually said it all to her but that is how she tries to control me for years, well decades. I daren't speak the truth about my feelings. If I raised my voice, challenged or confronted her she'd turn everything around to become the victim. Abusers are all about power and control.

I fear that I might one day snap in front of her and start shouting and yelling at her. She'd love that.  So I choose to stay calm. I'm not going to let her upset me further. I choose peace. I let go of all her destruction and pain. It is hers not mine to own. I don't do idiot compassion any more, well I try not to.

guitarman X

[guitarman]

My uBPD/uNPD sister just called me asking the family to pay her £400 gas bill. She said "Do you want me to die?". She's worried about everything again. She said that she's too ill to go to a food bank to get food.

She wanted the phone numbers of all our cousins. I've given them all to her many times before. Many of the cousins she has either been rude to or sworn at before. She wants to get money from them.

I listened. She rang off.

guitarman X

[nanotech]

Well done. You can't solve it. You can't give your life up for hers. That's what they expect though. Incredible, but true.

Wow-
'Do you want me to die?'
There she goes again with the old emotional blackmail. Her life, or death, is her stuff; her responsibility.
Keep on keeping on with the gray rock, the detachment. It works.
You are marvellous.
I hope your mum has improved. Again, you can only do what you can do. Be easy on yourself. 😊😇⭐️🙏🏻😌

[WomanInterrupted]

Very well done!

And I agree - her life, her death, her bills are all HER stuff and her responsibility.  If she doesn't want to manage or handle them, well, then they just don't get taken care of, and she's got nobody to blame but herself.

'Do you want me to die?'

Good grief!  But one of these days, you're going to start thinking, "I can't get that lucky." 

That's when you know you've made *serious* progress - when your sense of humor pipes up, in your head, as a protective mechanism.  It means you've *detached* completely - and it might be time to start considering blocking her number.   

Oh yeah, just ring up people she's sworn at or yelled at, in the past, and bleat her bleats of woe and misfortune, and *surely* they won't remember how she's treated them and will just shower her with cash and prizes.   

She's going to be in for a rude awakening - and will probably be blocked by quite a few people.   

Keep rocking that Grey Rock - it really does help fully open your eyes to how much she's trying to *use* you - it's like she's kicking a malfunctioning vending machine, over and over, because she put in her money, but didn't get her snack.   

There's no difference between a human and a vending machine.  In your sister's mind, it's the *same thing.*   

I hope your mom is doing better, and  I know how hard this can be - we went through something similar with DH's GM, after she fell and broke her hip.  It was just one problem, after another, after another, after another  - we began to wonder what *wasn't* wrong with her - but all we could do was sit with her and encourage her to eat and drink, and try to keep her spirits up.   

Please remember - if caring for your mom gets to be too difficult for you and the carer, or becomes much more than either of you can handle, it's *okay* to ask from help  from professional  organizations that deal with managing and helping the elderly.

It doesn't have to land on your shoulders - especially if her care is getting more involved and complex, and you feel she needs round-the-clock care that you can't provide.

We're often conditioned to not ask for help and figure out our own problems - I've discovered one of the *best* things we can do, when we're out of our depth is *open our mouths and SAY something.*   

There is *no* shame in saying, "I need help" to organizations that are meant to help.

It's something to consider, at least.   You are NOT alone. 

Please be easy and gentle with yourself.   

[guitarman]

Thanks again. You all know exactly what I'm going through as you've been through similar experiences.

My mother will be going to a day centre again this afternoon. It gives me a small break. She's not at all demanding but just refuses to eat and drink enough. She's so sweet and kind. She never complains. When words fail her she makes people laugh by poking her tongue out at them. It makes me laugh so much. I remember when she held and kissed my hand and thanked me for all that I do for her and told me that I am her friend and her pal. It made me cry.

She doesn't remember all the chaos and upset that my sister has caused. She never asks about her. When she does see her she asks her why she doesn't visit more often. When my sister rarely visits she tells her all her problems, telling her how ill she is and how difficult her life is. It makes me so angry that she tries to upset her and make her feel sad. Fortunately my mother soon forgets all about her again. My mother lives in the moment. She now can't remember the past.

When my sister called me yesterday she never asked how our mother was.

I'm trying to stay calm and not have "What if?" playing on repeat in my mind. I replace it with "What is" or "So what".

I'm quite chilled out and calm. I watch YouTube videos by Kris Godinez and think about what she says to do. That really helps.

I observe and don't absorb. Well I try.

I rapidly cycle from being weak and vulnerable to being strong and assertive. My initial reaction is to rescue my sister but then I calmly detach and stand back and realise that I can't change her no matter how much I want to.

She's had so much money already from me in the past and she's not changed. She's obtained money with menaces claiming to want to kill herself if she doesn't get it. That's abuse.

Same old stuff different day.

Thank you all.

guitarman X

[guitarman]

My uBPD/uNPD sister just called me to tell me that she may need a heart operation. Also her car failed it's MOT and her boiler has gone wrong. It will take a week to get parts for it.

She asked me to call one of our siblings to let them know. They won't take calls from her. She wants money from them. She knows she can't get it from me. I feel like giving it to her for a quiet life but I won't. I said I would call our sibling but I'm not going to. I should have said no to her but I'm just not in any mood for her to start arguing with me. I'm calm. Thankfully she won't be able to drive her car to visit me. She could use other forms of transport if she really wanted but doesn't ever want to use it.

guitarman X

[nanotech]

You did really brilliantly.
Keep calm and carry on. 
It's all sortable.
She's the grownup in charge of her own life.
Health issue is being dealt with by doctors.
Boiler issue is getting sorted. Parts on way.
Car can be off road until she can afford MOT.
Feel 😎 relaxed. Not your monkeys, not your circus.
🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗😊