1 Year No Contact & I Broke Contact - Now What Should I do?!

[makingachange]

When I first went no contact with both of my parents 1 year ago, I did it because I felt I had no other choice.  They were having an outrage to my gray rocking, and kept pushing saying over the top hurtful things paired with threats that had me in a panic. 

If this had been their first offense towards me in my life, I most likely would have just buried it under the rug and moved on the best I could...but this this been a million paper cuts.  Events and situations that have left me feeling upset, hurt, and questioning why they do what they do.

So, it has been around a year, and I have been making more positive transformation in my own personal life.  I felt like I am doing better than I have in a long time since all of this with them.  I feel like I had buried/healed some of those hurt feelings and I was doing so much better.  I was seeing a light!

1 week ago after thinking it about it for a while now, I decided that maybe I should talk to my parents through text messages with strict boundaries.  I even sent my mother a text message saying something along the lines of "Thank you for respecting my boundaries lately...I am willing to text with you on Sundays."

After I sent this, 2 minutes later she had already replied...happy as could be...and excited about exchanging a few texts on Sundays....

I sent this text message on the Saturday before, so I had a whole week essentially to mentally and emotionally prepare for it...and what I found was the whole week I was set off into a panic, anxiety of what would be said or not said, and I honestly felt some dread in there too...

Well, Sunday came, and she never texted me at all...nor did I end up texting her.

Monday morning I got a text that said something like..."Not sure from your message if you were going to text me or if I could text you on Sundays.  Sorry I was confused." - This was also my son's birthday as well, but she didn't say nothing about his birthday.

I already felt like, if she was willing to send this to me on a Monday, she would have also been willing to send this on the Sunday as agreed...I immediately intuitively kind of felt like, "Is this just her starting already to push the boundaries?"  Especially when I told her only on Sundays?  I also felt like the vibe I got from this, and maybe I am wrong, are they thinking this is absolutely absurd that I only talk to her on Sundays?  - Maybe this is just me knowing her and how she thinks?

Anyways...when I figured on Sunday she wouldn't send a text...I felt relieved...I felt like this huge boulder lifted from my shoulders ...knowing I wouldn't have to talk to her after all....But when I got the message on Monday...I immediately again had that anxiety...it feels like a scab that has healed...and I just scratched it and it is bleeding all over again...

I never responded to any of the messages...I feel also like...if you were going to send this on my son's Birthday...and you know about it...then why didn't you just say that too?  Or does she care?  I don't know...

I do know that I feel like I can't talk to her or my father...I feel still so much pain, sadness, and I can't text them Sundays and pretend that everything is okay...because it really still isn't...and they never have taken any real responsibility or had any heart felt apologies - just little..."sorry if I offended you...." things like that ...that really don't feel loving.

In some ways I feel like I don't really love them the way I used to as a child and before I understood all of this...part of me feels sad that this is how it has turned out...I know that they had a rough childhood of their own, but they refuse to see that they have a problem. 

I guess I am feeling slightly guilty or bad for not responding to any of the texts after it was me that said, sure...let's chat on Sundays.  But I feel like this situation has shown me that I can't do that...that it isn't good for me emotionally....but I do feel kind of bad.

I don't know what to do...it is either I make myself do this and go on like everything is normal...or I just don't say anything at all...they are both elderly...but, I feel like they won't understand or hear me out for why I feel the way I do...and how hurt I am by the things they have said and done.  They just think it is me...and they won't accept that at all.  --Before no contact, I explained how I felt to a certain degree...and they told me that it was a pitiful excuse.

Leading up to the Sunday texting day...I had 2 dreams...one was where I was going to a movie with my mother and then I ended up at their house...and they would not let me leave...I was stuck there and they wouldn't let me out of the house...even when I begged them to let me go to my own home....the other dream was again about "being stuck".

I would greatly appreciate any thoughts, opinions, or suggestions on this and what I should maybe do going towards the future!  I appreciate each and everyone of you!

[donutmoonpanda]

No way, makingachange. You're not caught in a trap of your own making. You don't have to do anything now.

You told her the plan to contact on Sunday and she didn't follow through. If she was so excited, why couldn't she follow your request? Why was missing your conversation like nothing to her? She is overstating the importance of speaking to you (she might not care at all). And she is definitely disrespecting your boundaries (it may not even be on purpose, she may not even be capable of respecting them). I have an ignoring/rejecting mother who also wouldn't ask about my kid's birthday, or anything else in my life. Do they care? If they cared, they'd bring it up. If they care, they would try to have a relationship with us. They'd follow our rules and respect our boundaries. They wouldn't just operate on a surface level. If they cared we wouldn't be on this forum.

"either I make myself do this and go on like everything is normal" -- don't make yourself do anything. You can just do nothing. It's not on you. You didn't do anything wrong.

The relief you felt when you didn't talk to your mom/parents says everything you need to know. You need to do what's right for you. It doesn't matter what they want, what they say, whether they understand it. It just has to be what's right for you. You come first.

I had something very similar happen to me this week with my own mom, and I'm in the same guilt stage. I'm trying to push it away too because I know that's right. How much better I feel since being NC with my parents is all the evidence I need. I also had a dream last night, I was forced to go live at home again. It's def because of the recent drama with her. I also have dreams where I go home and my parents won't "let" me leave. I'm like kidnapped. I totally get it.

Saying this to you is helping me say it to myself: You can just drop it all and walk away now. Do whatever you need to do. Don't worry about mom or dad. You never have to explain yourself. You never have to try for them. Just take care of yourself.

As a daughter of a en-mom who is ignoring/rejecting, who operates on a surface level, superficial way, I'm learning that I have to remind myself that I know her. I know the real her, deep down, who she really is. I know that even though she presents herself as a loving mother, she is an unloving mother. She has never liked me or cared for me. Just because she thinks that saying these things makes it real, doesn't make it so. Her actions say another thing, even if nobody can see it but me.

[Leonor]

Totally agree.

Your mom broke the commitment. Of course she knew it was her grandson's birthday. Of course she knew it was Monday. She was playing a little game of who-texts-first ("Not me! Not me!") to then follow up the next day with the guilt trip ("Well you were the one who said ...")

In the meanwhile, you're having CPTSD reactions all week, asleep and awake, with your whole nervous system on High Alert Defcon 5.

Normal moms, even normal moms who can be a royal pain in the a&$ at times but are generally o.k., do not trigger post traumatic stress responses in their adult children.

Your healing self needed some validation, that's all: "It's been a while since I talked to mom. I feel better, so should I reconnect with her? Would that be more healing? Should I try again? What would that look like? I'm strong enough to find out, so I'll reach out."

And you were 💯 validated. Yes, you are healing. And yes, that healing is happening without your mom in your life. Actually, your mom not being in your life, it can be deduced, my dear Dr. Watson, is a major contribution to your healing. You are on the right healing path!

As for mom? Oh, well, we can probably expect some "But you saaaaid ..." "But sheeee told meeee ..." "But I triiiiiied ..."



Don't buy it. You wanted to try something new. She's not interested. That's fine.

Oh, btw, even if she magically transformed into Glinda the Good and sprinkled your phone with perfect mommy dust and just was the nicest, politest, respectfulest person ever, you still don't have to respond.

Because YOU, my dear, have the Right to Change Your Mind!

[moglow]

ALL of what Leonor just said!!

So, excuse me while I pick a nit here - Is this the same child's birthday that just a month or so ago they asked your DH if they could come over? In lieu of your lack of interest in a drop in, they decided to not even acknowledge?? Please tell me I'm wrong, that this is just me reading my stuff into their [in]actions.

Makingachange, my best guess is someone overthought the whole thing and plastered their expectations all over it without bothering to ask like a normal person. I dislike being all doom and gloom but seriously. If I have time to think about it, I have time to plan an appropriate and friendly response.

Mo thoughts: I've not spoken with someone I care about in a year, at their request. They text and say they're willing to exchange texts with me on Sunday. I'd struggle not contacting them too early at the soonest Sunday. I'd wish my grandson the happiest of birthdays, and show interest in their plans for celebrating the day.  I'd step up and step lightly so we could start building a bridge. What I wouldn't do: Nothing. Then text on Monday saying I was confused about who was to contact whom.

Actions matter, and YOUR actions matter more. You're stronger than you think [and far more than I!] - you didn't respond otherwise. You laid the ground rules and stuck to them. Me? I'd probably wait until Sunday then give someone an eyeful, how incredibly rude it was to refuse to acknowledge their grandson's birthday. Whatever pathetic reasoning they may have, that was just petty on their part. And since DS birthday doesn't matter, please don't contact us further ...

But that's just me and I'm notably petty myself at times.

[SeaSalt]

Making change first I want to say you sound to me very healthy and reasonable. You explain your situation very clearly and you see the big picture and you are able to read between the lines of your mother. So great job.

To me it seems that (this will overlap with other peoples opinion here)
1) you are stopping your healing when in contact with them
2) you mother did not respect your boundary and did not miss opportunity to show you that she will not respect your boundaries
3) getting in contact with your mother is creating you huge stress and you have right to protect yourself from that stress

I recently as well broke my NC (11months NC) and exchanged a few msg's with my mother. My mother as well did not sound interested at all in my life, did not ask about my child or anything. She did not even read the msg for several hours and did not respond to my second msg. I then blocked her again since I got what I needed. I understood (and your situation can be similar) that she does not want a contact with "strong me". She wants me to be weak again, submissive again and in that one she would be interested. But the me of today, she has no interest. I think it could be the case of your mother. She rejects your boundaries. She wants all or nothing, which is very typical mindset of PD people.

Only you can know what is best for you. I can tell you that what gives me peace now is to stay NC and when I feel the urge to have contact I unblock my mother for few hours, send her a msg and see the reply in the same day, end of the day I block her again. I did like this only once but now plan to do again like this if the urge come. I can not have an open channel of communication with her since it causes me huge distress. But when I want I can open that channel for a few hours to get any input from her that I need to clear the FOG. I wrote her clearly that after her msgs I will block her again. This works for me but maybe its not good for everyone.

Do what is best for you. You do not owe them anything. You are doing great. Its a process, take it step by step. You are not alone. We are all here to support you.

[Cat of the Canals]

She was playing a little game of who-texts-first ("Not me! Not me!") to then follow up the next day with the guilt trip ("Well you were the one who said ...")

Totally agree with everything that's been said but wanted to quote this because it's exactly the kind of thing my PDmom does. In her mind, I don't think the resources count as much if she's the one who calls me. So she will do a whole song and dance routine to try to get me to call her. In the past, my enDad has even said to me, "Mom wants to talk to you but she won't call you until you call her first." 

[Blueberry Pancakes]

In my opinion you do not need to take any action about this at all. You did nothing wrong. I do not think you have any reason to feel guilty either. You specifically said to text on Sunday, then received a text on Monday. To me, I wonder if it is a sign of someone testing a boundary or perhaps plain disregarding it. 
   
It seems if someone has sincere intentions, ideally it is reflected by a show of cooperative behavior and regard for the fragile status of the relationship. In this case, that could have been conveyed if they asked the clarifying question during the day designated. Asking the question outside of the day, after you both are aware there was not any communication makes me wonder if it was an action to draw you into dialog where you are on the defensive. No need for that.

[Hilltop]

Makingachange, I am reading this as this one incident but realise there is a whole heap of history there.  I am not sure if this is a boundary stomp by your mother or she was confused.  The message was that you would text on Sunday and it seems that who delivered the first text was an issue.  Your mother didn't and you didn't.  I read your mothers text on the Monday as simply being confused as possibly she thought you were going to text and then she felt she messed up and didn't want to sit with that for a whole week.  PD's are not all bad, they are not disordered all the time.  I feel like this could have been a miscommunication.  To me it sounds like she was waiting for your text and was a little unsure.  I realise I may be being very generous in thinking this.  Of course it may also be a boundary stomp.

The thing that stands out to me is that you had anxiety all week regarding the communication.  Perhaps you are not ready to talk with your parents and that is absolutely ok.  You have nothing to feel bad about if you need space and more time to work out how you feel and what sort of relationship you want to have with your parents.  Space has been really important for me during my healing to give me more clarity and to heal the hurt.

I would honestly send a text back and say that you are working through some stuff and have decided you actually need more space and time.

[makingachange]

Hi Everyone!

I really want to thank each and everyone of you that responded to this post.  I wanted to wait until the next "Sunday" in case there were any updates...

I cannot thank you all enough really for all of your insight, and I have gone back to all of your posts throughout the week to give me that extra little push.  This week has been hard, because I feel like maybe I didn't explain it correctly?  Maybe it is on me, and I know that this isn't the case, but I constantly find myself doing this, asking ..."is it me??" 

So, today is Sunday, and no word/contact from them today.  On one hand I feel completely happy and relieved that this is done.  But then, on the other hand I feel let down by them once again.  I feel like, why was it so hard to just do what you said you were going to do.

It blows my mind that they seemed so excited with their initial response, and then, didn't even care it seems to say anything...I don't know why I feel like this, hurt that they don't seem to care...but hurt and don't want to talk to them really either.  It is this strange kind of push and push I feel...not wanting them, but then wanting "the parents I never had - not so much them"...

I never responded to the message about their confusion, because in my opinion I feel it is just a game to them...to push the boundaries and to make me question myself...

I know I will push through this...I have learned my lesson I feel...and I just have to get back up and moving/healing. 

I want to say I am sorry for anyone else that has had this situation...I know there are a few of you that said that you have had recently the same situation, and I completely feel for you...I'm always here too, if you want to chat or need a ear to listen!  =)

Thank you all again so much!  This site has been a huge help in my healing.  Wishing you all the very best on your own journey!! 

[makingachange]

UPDATE -

As soon as I left this post, I got a text message from my mother...saying..."Hello how are you doing?"

When I see a message from her, my heart immediately races...I break out into a sweat...and I feel horrible.

I feel bad for not responding in some ways - I feel like she now sees that I am not playing the game when I didn't respond to her Monday message...and not she is trying to talk?...but I know that my gut and intuition are saying..."DON'T DO IT"....Do you think it is bad if I just don't respond?  I just go back to no contact with no explanation?

[donutmoonpanda]

Do you think it is bad if I just don't respond?  I just go back to no contact with no explanation?

It's not bad. It's fine. You can go back to NC with no explanation.

I've never given a reason to my mother for going NC. Not the first time. Not the second time. I never will. Because it would serve no purpose. I just do what I have to do to protect myself and care for me.

Focus on how it feels, not how it looks.

[makingachange]

Do you think it is bad if I just don't respond?  I just go back to no contact with no explanation?

It's not bad. It's fine. You can go back to NC with no explanation.

I've never given a reason to my mother for going NC. Not the first time. Not the second time. I never will. Because it would serve no purpose. I just do what I have to do to protect myself and care for me.

Focus on how it feels, not how it looks.

Thank you so much for this...I really appreciate your response...I know I have to do what feels right to me....even if they don't get it.  =)

[Adria]

Just a thought . . . Could it be that maybe she was thinking since you said, "I am willing to text with you on Sundays," that maybe she was thinking you would text her first? Maybe she thought she was respecting your boundaries on Sunday by waiting for your text. And, she waited all day Sunday and didn't get a text from you, so decided to text you on Monday?  Just wondering if maybe wires might have gotten crossed since this is such a touchy situation and both of you were scared and anxious?  Or, maybe I missed something in your post.

[makingachange]

Just a thought . . . Could it be that maybe she was thinking since you said, "I am willing to text with you on Sundays," that maybe she was thinking you would text her first? Maybe she thought she was respecting your boundaries on Sunday by waiting for your text. And, she waited all day Sunday and didn't get a text from you, so decided to text you on Monday?  Just wondering if maybe wires might have gotten crossed since this is such a touchy situation and both of you were scared and anxious?  Or, maybe I missed something in your post.

Thank you so much for your response/input!  I really appreciate it!  =)

Yes, this could be what it is...it is really hard to say for sure.

I do know how my mother likes to play games, but this could just be some sort of miscommunication too...

I do know how I feel when I get a message from her and how I feel even thinking of having to talk to my parents...and I feel like this is a strong indicator of what I need to do right now for myself (remain no contact).

It hasn't been just one big event that caused this situation for us...it has many years of cuts along the way that has led to a big situation...=)

You could be right, but I can't say 100% what it is...and I don't know that I am willing to throw myself back into this situation, when she continues to think it's my problem and still takes no responsibility for what happened in her rage. 

Thank you again so much for your input...definitely something to think on!  <3  I hope you have a great day, my friend!

[Cat of the Canals]

I don't know that I am willing to throw myself back into this situation, when she continues to think it's my problem and still takes no responsibility for what happened in her rage. 

I think this is the key. Whether your mother was playing games or not doesn't really matter. Your body is telling you, "Too much, too soon." And I'd listen.

And no, you don't need to explain anything. I'm sure you've done plenty of that, and I doubt it's ever changed a thing. It won't this time either.

[Hilltop]

...and I don't know that I am willing to throw myself back into this situation, when she continues to think it's my problem and still takes no responsibility for what happened in her rage. 

Just a thought but I feel this is a separate issue to the texting.  You sent your mother a message saying you are willing to text on Sundays.  Then you both didn't text.  Now this Sunday your mother has reached out as per what you said you were happy with.  You have not responded.

This issue is not the issue about it being your problem or what happened in her rage. This particular issue is about the text on Sunday.

If you are not ready to text that is completely ok but I would own it.  I would send a text and say you aren't ready.  Just my 2 cents.

Remember self compassion, you are finding your path and what is right for you.  It's ok to change your mind or need more time.  If the boundary has changed that you don't want texts on Sunday's I personally feel this would be better communicated.

Take care.