"Friend" steamrolled my NC with parents because NF is dying

[footprint33]

Hi all,

It has been a while here since I last posted. All has been going very well for me. I haven't seen my NPD parents in 10 years, and after years of coming to terms with what it was to be the scapegoat in a narcissistic family, I was able to move on. I have a wonderful husband, two children, a great dog, and we live in an incredible city.

All that said, a very triggering event has recently happened and I need help with the situation. I think the advice will be to do nothing, which is what I usually do. But I need to hear that from others.

Here's what happened, and it's slightly complicated because I do need to give history: 25 years ago (I'm 49) in 1998, I had a falling out with my best friend from college. The falling out happened precisely because she was living with my parents at the time, I was abroad, and they were talking about me behind my back. It was humiliating what happened back then because it related to a boyfriend I had at the time and my friend started writing to me when I was abroad to tell me how they all thought he was so horrible and were basically laughing at me for being with the person, including her. She said things like, "I'm sitting on your parents' couch with your mom RIGHT NOW drinking wine and we just can't believe you're with this guy."

What bothered me most was not what they said about the boyfriend, though that hurt too. It was the fact that the friend was in my parents' home and they were all sitting there laughing at me behind my back. I cut her out of my life and didn't see her at all after that. In 2006, I got married to a different man, my current husband, and my feelings towards my ex-friend had softened since I did have fond memories of her from back in college. I thought about contacting her. But then one day, one of my brothers forwarded me an email that the ex-friend had written to him and she said she wanted to contact me but that "we all know how difficult footprint can be." After I saw that, I decided not to communicate with her. One of the narratives my narcissistic family has always had is that I'm "difficult." In therapy, I've learned that I'm actually not difficult at all. They did mean things to me my whole life and I responded to those things, and my response was what made me "difficult."

As the years went by, I had my children, and life and work have been very good, and I always felt as if there had been no closure with the ex-friend. I decided to write to her in the summer of 2021. I didn't write much and actually wasn't thinking that we'd rekindle our friendship. I just wanted to let her know that I wished her well and didn't have any ill feelings towards her. Well, she wrote back right away and immediately wanted to talk at length. We talked on the phone back then, probably for about 2 hours.

During that phone conversation, I told her that I had "minimal contact" with my parents and brothers. The reality is that at that point I hadn't seen my parents since 2013 and hadn't seen my brothers since 2009. But I didn't say that because I know that it is rarely accepted. She was a bit dumbfounded by it and of course wanted to know why, but I didn't say much more than that there was a long history and it would be difficult to explain.

Fast forward over the past two years and we'd had a mainly happy distant relationship that involved no phone calls but lots of texts and messages through FB messenger. Typically, she sends me funny memes and things like that.

About 5 months ago, she writes to me and says she'll be near to where I live for a conference (she and I live on opposite sides of the country). She asks if she can stay with us for a weekend. In retrospect, it made me feel a bit uncomfortable because I hadn't seen her in so long and also because she doesn't understand the history I have with my family of origin, but I said "yes." So last weekend, she came on Friday and left on Sunday. During that time, we talked about a lot of things, and ironically, a large bulk of our conversation was about one of her coworkers who she is convinced is a narcissist. She told me and my husband all about this situation she's in at work. We both advised her to try not to engage because she is engaging very much so and it doesn't seem like a good thing.

But we did also talk about my family. I tried not to go into too many details but did give her a few. I was in a very bad car accident in 2002, for example, which resulted in 3 skull fractures and multiple other injuries, though the skull fractures (which also included a hematoma on my brain and facial paralysis in half of my face) were the worst. My parents did not come to the hospital right away even though they were called and told that I was in very critical condition and that I might not survive through the night. My parents then arrived late at the hospital the next day. There are lots of details related to the car accident and they all point to serious dysfunction and cruelty, not at all typical of what normal parents would do after a daughter's serious accident. I told ex-friend this story. She was bewildered because, not surprisingly, my parents had told her very little of my accident and had made it out not to be a serious one when they talked to her (yes, they were in touch with her at that time even though she and I were NC).

I explained to my "friend" last weekend that I was now in a very good place in my life. She expressed many times that my children were beautiful, my husband was wonderful, and that my life seemed exceptional. Regarding my family of origin, she actually said these words: "You won."

So I was shocked 2 nights ago when I went to FB messenger and saw that she had pasted a bunch of recent pictures of my family of origin there, with multiple voice clips and a talking head at the bottom of all of the material, which was one of my brothers talking. FB automatically mutes videos, so I did not hear what my brother was saying in the video, nor did I open any of her voice clips and only glanced up at the pictures before quickly exiting out of the platform, never to return. I may have my husband go back in just to see what the video is with my brother--is this a video he made of himself talking to my friend? I have no clue but it was bizarre and triggering.

Although I have no idea what any of it was really about, I suspect it's because my father is sick and I saw two old, frail looking people in one of the pics (or could have been a video) that she sent. I've known that my father was sick and actually broke NC in 2021 to reach out to him one last time, at that point just to let him know that I wished him well. He treated me very cruelly, something I wrote about in a previous post here on Out of the FOG. It was important when that happened because I knew I'd never reach out to my father again.

After seeing ex-friend's barrage of messages on FB, I could not sleep and it was a very bad night. Mind you, I am a happy person and haven't had a night like that in a long time. I was completely triggered.

The next day, yesterday morning, I sent this message to said "friend": "When I opened my FB messages from you, there was a talking head at the bottom of the page. It was muted and then I realized the person was my brother. I did not open that nor any of the other material you sent and quickly exited. Please don't send me anything related to my blood relatives. After all I told you here last weekend, I don't know why you would do that. Getting involved is definitely a very bad idea, first and foremost because you do not know the history or have any grasp of the experiences I've been through, even if you think you do. When you do this, you're disrespecting my boundaries."

She then wrote very bluntly for me to go back to FB because she left me a new voice clip there, to which I responded, "I'm not going back to FB." After that, she simply sent a big thumbs-up emoji and that's the last thing I heard from her.

I feel absolutely violated by this person, as well as very regretful that I let her back into my life. Last weekend was the first time I'd seen her in 25 years. I opened up my home to her, gave her access to my children, husband, life, everything, plus fed her, took her to beautiful places in the city, and showed love. She hasn't seen my parents or brothers in something like 20 years, and she never really knew them that well (she stayed with them for 3 weeks in 1998 and that is the sum of her relationship with them) but from what I'm guessing, she's suddenly trying to be a Mother Theresa savior and feels entitled to meddle, probably because my father is sick.

I realize that this is long. For anyone who has read it, thank you for any thoughts or advice. I'm not planning on writing to this "friend" again. I mean, if she were to send me an apology then maybe, but it has now been 36 hours since I got the thumbs up emoji and she hasn't sent me anything else.

footprint

[xredshoesx]

i'm so sorry that your kindness and willingness to move forward with a spirit of forgiveness with her was turned against you in such a way that was so invalidating and disruptive of the peace you've made for yourself in your life without your family of origin.

i don't blame you one minute for not going back and listening/ watching the video either.  i think it's fair to say that back in the day she may have fallen for the front that many of our PD/ uPD parents can hide behind- but the fact that you all had a heart to heart and she meddled anyways... that's just disrespectful and wrong and not someone that gets a spot at your table again.  i'm sorry you had to find out you were right about her like this.

be gentle with yourself. 

[footprint33]

Thank you so much, xredshoesx, that means a lot and is validating to hear. The sad thing is that from what I heard this ex-friend tell me about her own life last weekend, it sounds as if she could use a friend. But I can't be that person after what she's done.

[Pinkos]

I'm sorry @footprint33! Glad you came back here for support. You know we get it! From what you described about her one work relationship, it sounds like the drama of going back to your FOO and being in the middle was just too tempting for her! Her asking to stay with you, in hindsight, seems violative now. It seems like she spent that whole weekend enjoying your hospitality in more ways than one.

She showed you her true colors. In a way you got your closure (I realize it's not anywhere near in the way you hoped) and you never have to wonder. I would never let this woman back into my life again! Be kind to yourself. We falter sometimes but we get back up and move forward. You'll look back in a few weeks and it won't affect you as much. You don't owe this woman anything.

[footprint33]

Thank you, Pinkos! I think you're right with that detail about how ex-friend is like a moth to the flame--both at her current place of employment and with her meddling in my life. She just can't resist it. I also really appreciate what you and xredshoesx have to say about moving on. There is a sense of closure here. It's not of the happiest sort, but it is good not to be wondering about her as I had all those years.

[bluebirds]

It sounds really violating in dealing with this person.

She sounds tone deaf and a bit clueless? To hang out with your parents making fun of your bf, to post about your FOO on your FB despite you telling her that you have not been close.

But it may also be that she was well-meaning: maybe she was trying to reconnect you with your family? Because she seems to like your FOO, and it doesn't sound like you said to her directly that you don't want to talk about your FOO. The fact that you talked about your FOO may have given her mixed signals.

It also sounds like you may not be very direct in your speech in general which may be problematic when asserting your boundaries?

[footprint33]

Hi Bluebirds, before she came to see me, I told her that I had very minimal contact with my parents and hadn't seen them in a long time. But when she was here, I told her flat out that I had no contact at all with them, hadn't seen them since 2013, that my children do not know them at all, and that I could not be in any communication with them. I told her that they were "malignant narcissists" and that the psychologists I'd seen since 2010 had all told me that unfortunately these types of narcissists do not change and that it can be helpful for the scapegoat to completely remove him/herself from such a situation.

She did continue to question this, which is why I told her there was a long history and gave her a few examples, like the one of their treatment towards me after my car accident since most people can't deny the objective evidence of how questionable their actions were at such a dire time in my life. She agreed that what they'd done was pretty horrible.

I'm not sure what else I could have said to her. Over the years, I've told other friends. Early on, which was in 2009 when I was VLC, some of those friends wrote me off and assumed I was the bad egg. Others of those friends supported me and are still present in my life. But in all cases, none of them did what this ex-friend did, getting in touch with FOO and bombarding me with pics and videos of them as if to prove something. She's the first person who has done that.

[walking on broken glass]

I disagree with bluebirds. You were very clear and direct in explaining the situation and asserting your boundaries. I am really sorry this happened to you. You had all the good intentions to restore the relationship with your old friend and she made a complete mess and showed her true colours. It does not matter if she meant well. What she did was disrespectful and her answer was even more infuriating: go back to Facebook?! After you had told her that what she sent was traumatic and violated your boundaries? I wonder if your friend has narcissistic tendencies too. Stay away from her. A big hug from me

[Pinkos]

I also disagree with bluebird. I think this woman has no empathy or respect for you. It is not our job to constantly explain ourselves to people who demonstrate a lack of care and basic decency. I maintain that she's a drama Queen and wanted to insert herself into your family drama for the high. She did it before. She was no friend then and she isn't now. Maybe this is how she copes with her own problems or maybe she's just mean and a bully. Either way, she doesn't deserve your trust.

[footprint33]

Thank you, Walking on Broken Glass and Pinkos. Yes, when she told me to go back to FB to check her new message there, I had to take another spin. I'd just told her that I had quickly exited FB upon seeing she'd bomb dropped videos and pics of my FOO in there, plus a bunch of voice recordings mixed in, which I'm sure are of her talking about my FOO. Her FB messenger should have had a trigger warning on it. At that point, she and I were communicating through our phones. Why not send me what she needs to send me on the phone? She has also sent voice recording clips on the phone in the past. Why force me to go back to FB?

She's already done quite a bit of damage though. I'm pretty triggered about all this, in part because I feel so stupid that I let her back into my life. She wasn't a true friend 25 years ago and is showing the exact same behavior.

She hasn't sent any other communication to me other than that last thumbs-up emoji as a response to my telling her that I wouldn't be going back to FB to listen to her new message. It's as if she just dropped a bomb on me and walked away.

[Pinkos]

Unfortunately, there are those who see a vulnerability and want to exploit it for their own amusement. I feel like she's playing games with you. Her flippant manner is quite disconcerting esp after you let her into your home and opened your arms to her. People who do the very thing you tell them to stop doing because it's hurtful or offensive can not be trusted. It's spiteful and anti-social behavior. I would suggest blocking her on social media and your phone so as not to be tempted to further engage in order to get more closure on this current behavior. In my experience, she will come back around and start another cycle.

[footprint33]

Thank you, Pinkos, and I was thinking this morning of doing exactly what you say: block, block, block. I am paranoid that she'll somehow find another way of hurting me. I know that my father is ill and could be about to die. When that happens, I will be a target for her and for FOO.

[walking on broken glass]

I am really sorry footprint. Your friend is callous and not to be trusted. Please don't blame yourself. You gave her the benefit of the doubt and she seemed to respond well initially. How could you know she would do that? An empathetic, loving person would immediately feel awful after realizing how much hurt she caused you. If she meant well, she would apologize and remove all the files. She would not insist that you should go back on facebook to hear a message she can easily repeat over the phone; and she would not reply to your concerns with a thumbs up. This is a power game for her.

She failed the test and she can now go back to oblivion. If she wants to feel good about herself, she can have therapy instead of meddling in other people's lives and pretending she cares about them, when this is all about her. Definitely block her. I think this will discourage her from doing anything further.

[footprint33]

Thank you, Walking on Broken Glass. Over the past few days, I've been able to process the situation with ex-friend and feel much better. Triggers don't last as long as they used to, which means I've healed so much over the years. There does seem to be a power play going on here, and the best thing I can do to maintain my own power is to not respond to ex-friend. I am very thankful for you and everyone here on Out of the FOG because our correspondences have helped me with what's going on.

I do have a bit of an update to this story, which is that I decided to have my husband go into my Facebook messages and look at one thing that ex-friend sent, which was the video of my brother talking. I was most concerned with that piece of material because I have some minimal contact with this brother and was worried that he was talking about me to ex-friend. I wanted to know the extent of it because it could influence whether I go full NC with my brother. My husband did not open any of the other material, though like me, he caught a glimpse of a pic or video of two frail people who are clearly my NPD parents.

The video is not related to me at all. It is of my brother accepting a "lifetime achievement" award for my father because my father is ill. My father was a lawyer and law professor, and I know from the back channels that he was basically kicked out of the place he was teaching at when he turned 65. There were many at the school who could not stand him and they found a loophole in his tenure contract when a larger school purchased the school. He never wanted to retire at 65. But apparently he is quite sick now and someone decided to give him this award, which as my husband reminded me, is something that is often given towards the end of a person's life.

So ex-friend got the video from my brother and I'm assuming she wanted me to see it because it shows what a great person my father was, and also to tell me that my father is dying. I already know he's dying and had told her as much, and it shows such insensitivity and entitlement for her to think that she is such an important person to tell me about my father's health. Indeed, I have longtime friends and cousins who have kept me updated on this over the years. Ex-friend barely knew my parents and hadn't seen them in 20 years. Up until the week before last, she hadn't seen me in 25 years. I also did the math and she and I knew each other and were friends for a total of only 2.5 years when we had our falling out at the end of the 90s. In other words, we actually have very little history with one another, and yet she has put herself on a pedestal and assumes she's suddenly some sort of important "middle person" between me and FOO.

Furthermore, as I wrote on Out of the FOG back in 2022, I broke NC and reached out to my father in 2021 after hearing he was sick and wished him well. He responded with cruelty, something that ultimately helped me to move on and accept the state of our relationship towards the end of his life. There's no point in getting into this with ex-friend, with whom I'm now NC, but just goes to show that she has no clue, nor care, of the many complex layers to this story.

Yesterday, I also remembered something important from my conversation with ex-friend when she was here the week before last. Back when she was in her teens, she and her family were not in touch with her father for 4 years and then he died. Her father was a diplomat and had a stellar reputation, a "great guy" just like mine as far as society was concerned. The level of hypocrisy is pretty incredible. She was NC with her father for years and was not there for him when he died but now feels entitled to send me stuff rubbing my nose in how great my father is towards the end of his life.

In addition to everything else going on with ex-friend, as the saying goes, she should know that people who live in glass houses should not throw stones.

footprint

[Pinkos]

Wow Footprint. That's an interesting detail about her own relationship with her father before he died. Very interesting! It's very difficult to pin people down and as I've gotten older I have found that psychoanalyzing people (a favorite coping mechanism of mine) and trying to "understand" them only kept me mired in these types of hurtful and draining relationship dynamics. Ultimately, she was outta line. There needs to be a basic level of decency and consideration or else it's better to close that door and never open it again. This is how I'm approaching people these days. It's a work in progress for sure. But it sounds like you've already bounced back! Very glad to read that! 

[Call Me Cordelia]

That last detail just further underscores that this whole steaming pile really is all about her. That's so terrible and I'm sorry too, but also really impressed with your ability to grasp what happened here, take on only your part of things, learn a hard lesson, and yes, move right on!

[notrightinthehead]

The behavior of your friend is incredibly invasive. Normal people don't behave like that. As if she had nothing going on in her own life, what business is it of hers to involve herself into the family matters of an acquaintance?

You are probably right that this person is in desperate need of friends and will have great difficulty in finding and keeping friends with that kind of behavior.

Congratulations that you managed to bounce back so quickly and that you did such a good job at protecting yourself. You handled this situation wisely and I hope that you will feel stronger after having upheld your boundaries so well.

[walking on broken glass]

Oh my god, the story about your friend's father is so telling. Projection projection projection. I am really glad you see things so clearly and you are already putting this behind you. Good thing you partner could check the video of your brother for you.  Protect yourself as much as you can 

[footprint33]

Thank you all so much for these responses. I was doing well but then had a bit of a relapse last night, woke up at 4am thinking about this and couldn't go back to sleep. That happens with triggers, and I know that this will fade as time goes on. I've got some lingering worries that ex-friend could do something further to hurt me. It's probably just paranoia, but I feel that she could get further involved. Just her talking to my FOO is already very invalidating for me, and I wonder if she's still talking to my brother or anyone else in my FOO. My husband tells me not to worry and that she has her own fish to fry because she spent much of the weekend with us telling us about how she wants to report a woman at her work to HR and had set up meetings with the higher ups in her company to complain formally about the woman this week.

Notrightinthehead, yes, this is just so invasive. I really feel violated and so stupid for letting her into our apartment. As far as friends go, when she was here, I asked her "how's so and so friend" referring to friends of hers I'd met 25 years ago. In every case, she told me that they were no longer in contact.

Walkingonbrokenglass, CallMeCordelia and Pinkos,it is indeed total projection! I clearly don't know the extent of her psychological baggage but would say that she hasn't dealt with anything related to her own FOO, so is probably stunted somewhere.

[Pinkos]

Footprint - That is a common reaction to being violated and subjected to emotional aggression. It will pass. She has no power over your life. Your FOO also have no power over your life as demonstrated by these last several years. Just like all those years ago she may join in gossip about you but it won't be about anything they aren't already saying/thinking before she came on the scene.

The status quo will remain. Her meddling/gossiping with them is  just one more piece of excrement added on top of a pile of excrement. It has nothing to do with you. Turn the page and go on about your life! You got this!