"Friend" steamrolled my NC with parents because NF is dying

[walking on broken glass]

She can't touch you. Whatever she tries, you will block her, and you will continue blocking anything related to your FOO, as you have been doing so well all these years. I understand that you worry and you are thinking 'what if' but you have had your share of 'what ifs' over the years and you have managed to disengage from all that and build a safe life for yourself. Nothing can jeopardise that because you have done it. You protected yourself and you will keep doing it. This woman has zero power over you. As pinkos said, you got this!

[footprint33]

Thank you, Pinkos and WalkingOnBrokenGlass. I really appreciate this encouragement and reminder that I've successfully disengaged in the past to create a safe life for me and my family.

I think that the fact that all of this coincides with my father's decline in health and apparent imminent death are also what make me feel unstable. Ex-friend has swooped in at a particularly vulnerable time that I've been preparing for on my own for many years in therapy, which pertains to  how I will deal with both of my parents' deaths when they happen. One of the issues that has often come up in therapy is my concern with the social stigma attached to the adult child who is not present in the parent's life towards the end of his/her life, and/or who does not attend the parent's funeral. I've basically come to terms with the fact that some will see me as the "bad daughter" because I am not involved, though I never expected that the stigma would crop up in the way that it has.

The only thing to do is to continue not engaging with ex-friend nor FOO. If she's talking to FOO then so be it. Pinkos' comment "Just like all those years ago she may join in gossip about you but it won't be about anything they aren't already saying/thinking before she came on the scene" is very apt and I need to remember to that. They can continue to call me "difficult," "stubborn," etc., which has always been their description of me (since I was a tiny girl, standing up for myself has always branded me as "difficult"). At the end of the day, I don't have to hear the comments nor see the people ever again, so the gossip doesn't actually penetrate my world.

[walking on broken glass]

At the end of the day, I don't have to hear the comments nor see the people ever again, so the gossip doesn't actually penetrate my world.

That's a very good plan!

My partner's dad was narcissistic and abusive. My partner finally went no contact with him after we met, and did not see him again until his death. He went to empty his house after the funeral and the neighbours there were accusing him of abandoning his dad (mind you, he has seven other siblings, none of which wanted to be in touch with the dad!). Of course it was hard and triggering. But, as you said, at the end of the day, these are not your people; they know nothing about your life, they don't care about your wellbeing. They just want to make assumptions and play the good Christian. At the end of the day,no matter what happens, you go back to your life and the people you love, the people that understand you and care about you.

[footprint33]

Thank you, WalkingOnBrokenGlass. I imagine I'd get the same treatment as your partner if I were to return. I won't be able to go to the funeral nor to my parents' home. They never gave me any of my stuff (all memorabilia from childhood, pictures, yearbooks, old clothes, toys, etc... I asked for it but they did not return it to me) and I have to assume I'll never see it again. The last time I was in their home was when I was 2008 and a few months pregnant with my first child. I'm so far removed at this point and have said goodbye to that place.

I read recently that if you lie really big then people will believe you. That's what my parents did to me after my first child was born. They did horrendous things to me when he was only 4 weeks old and then lied really big in order to cover their tracks. I was left to pick up the pieces and then also deal with a massive smear campaign, right as I'd become a mother. Few would believe it because it was so abhorrent and unbelievable to how parents would treat their daughter after she'd just become a mother.

So much time has gone by that I'm sure some of their lies now fall flat with people. I moved on and have a beautiful life. Still, they have their sycophants who will always support them. One of the problems I see with the ex-friend situation is that she has recently seen me and can smear me in brand new ways. She kept telling me how wonderful my life here is and how great my kids and husband are. But since she sent the thumbs-up emoji and never wrote another word, I fear that she could twist that narrative. I know I just can't care and need to move on, but this kind of betrayal really burns.

footprint

[walking on broken glass]

I am really sorry you have to deal with this after you have left it all well behind. I am hoping she won't bother you again since you made yourself clear. Even if she goes around spreading lies, this won't concern you because you have cut off every contact. They won't be able to engage you anymore.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes, spread lies to whom, exactly? Right. Have fun, "friend." If someone who cares about you and is still part of your life should hear any of it, they will fact-check with you. At least that's been my experience.

[sunshine702]

This person sound the QUINTESSENTIAL "flying monkey". She may not realize it.  Your good feelings of your college time may cloud your thinking of it but it sounds TEXTBOOK.  Narcs LOVE to triangulate.  That is how they communicate.  For instance I have not spoke with my brother much in decades.  I have tried a few times to varying results but we all know that if he wants my moms Golden Child Goodies you kick on the Scapegoat. That sounds like what is happening to you. I used to feel bad about not communicating with my own brother but now I don't.  I don't need Wicked Witches OR flying monkeys. 

Here is what Ramani (God I love her!) says about it.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qEH23q1r-4Q

[footprint33]

Thank you for this continued support. Sunshine702, I watched the video you sent and that is spot on. I would say that out of the three types of flying monkeys Dr. Ramani lists, the ex-friend I've described is the dumb flying monkey. She has no clue about narcissistic abuse and doesn't believe that I've been through anything horrible with my parents.

It goes to show how far these types of flying monkeys will go to think that people aren't inherently bad. What kind of parents don't go to the hospital directly upon receiving a call that their daughter was in a serious car accident, is in critical condition and may not last the night? This flying monkey knows that they didn't come to my side. Instead of questioning their behavior, she prefers to continue seeing them as good people and me as "off" because it's probably too hard for her to believe that a parent could be so cruel.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Footprint33,

I'm so sorry to hear about this!!!

Firstly, I think you've done a whole lot of things correctly! You've spotted her dodgy behavior, you've distanced yourself from your abusers (including her). That's awesome!

One perspective - this 'friend' / exfriend situation does have a silver lining. This is, it can show us that we can do a bit more healing work.

I very much relate to this - as I have had similar issues with 'friends' weirdly getting in touch with an abusive ex, also 'friend' getting in touch with my parents and telling them where my address was (something I carefully guarded - I was super traumatized when my mother barged into my bedroom!). It's so painful, and I totally get you, we can have moments of 'weakness' where we are feeling vulnerable and get back in contact - that exactly happened with me.

This is super triggering when we are SG abuse survivors, because it's really triangulation, and not really respecting our boundaries.

I would say this - because it's a long time friend, she probably came from an 'era' where you weren't feeling as healed as you are now. The fact that you reacted to her most recent boundary violation in an awesome, assertive way, just shows that you have healed a lot since before!

In my own case it is quite similar to this. I am doing a bunch of healing work atm, and as a consequence, I am reevaluating some friendships(!). This is really healthy I think. I've still got a ways to go, but I think reevaluating those 'friendships' of the past is a healthy sign.

I hope you can get in some good self care! You did just wonderfully. I hope you can build newer, better friendships - it is TOTALLY possible - hard yes, but possible when we put ourselves out there. Best wishes for your continued healing journey.