Have any of you had your pd or upd tell you that you have a pd, or that you're mentally ill?
If so, how did you respond?
Personally, I laughed. He had been building up to it for a while.
I didn't find it so funny though when he told our ds (maybe 10 at the time) that I was mentally ill.
AOD
I've been told:
- I have anger issues
- I am codependent
- I am abusive
And probably lots more. And I believed her for many, many years:
I went to an anger-management course - There I saw real anger. I even made some people there angry with me! But it wasn't me.
I went to a CoDA meeting (Co-dependents Anonymous) - I saw people completely different from me.
And I'm not the one shouting in front of the children, and making threats.
So it was quite a lightbulb moment when I realized, and later read about, BPDs tendency to project their issues.
I don't laugh. I medium chill. And try to get away to give her ten minutes. I just hope that our children see the reality of what is actually going on, and don't believe the reality inside her head.
I've been told I was controlling, abusive, mean, cold....I don't know, a giant litany of complaints. I don't think pd or mentally ill was among them. Perhaps hinted at.
I MC this sort of garbage, and honestly try to gtfo before it even gets to this point.
I don't *think* this has ever been said to the kids. I'd be pissed.
I was told I was pretty much all the things others have listed. I was also told frequently by my ex that I had “mental issues”.
I believed him and did everything I could to make him think otherwise.
To be fair in many situations I did behave as if I had the issues he accused me of. I let him wind me up until I lost my temper, and my codependency meant that I was very controlling around what I saw as the right and wrong way to behave.
I absolutely believe that I ended up with someone like my ex because I had my own issues. I eventually went to therapy and worked through them. I spent my entire marriage focused on everything that was wrong with my ex and his behavior as it was easier than acknowledging and changing my own.
Now I see why my ex accused me of the things he did, and I know they were a reflection of his insecurities and fears, as well as mine.
Today there is no way I’d be attracted to someone like my ex, and more importantly, someone like my ex wouldn’t waste their time with me. I give off a totally different energy now. I have forgiven myself for my past behavior and am working every day to be and do better for myself and those in my life. A big part of that is being confident and secure in knowing who I am. I will never again allow another person to tell me who I am or make me feel bad about myself or my choices.
It's funny because an hour ago I was recalling exactly what pushed me to go NC with my father.
After growing up feeling like he put me under a microscope of Freudian shite, where he told me I was too sensitive and too this and too that and I was weak and who remembers anymore, but he came to my house angry at me because I was distancing from my sister - with I think valid reason - and he said, "Hepatica, you need to go back to your shrink,"
What exactly does this mean? It means - you're mentally ill. You're wrong. You're out of control. I don't know? Nothing good.
And from him, the hoarding, gambling, violent, sinister, sneaky manipulative disaster that he is! When I've never raised my voice to him. Never said a mean thing to him or about him. Never done anything but try to not get hurt by him.
Finally I knew it wasn't worth it even trying anymore so I told him to leave.
That's the last time I've seen him. So I guess that was my first ever natural, healthy reaction. And it felt good.
ExuPD bf called me a sociopath. Even told me to look it up in the dictionary. I had to laugh, horrible as he was.
I was never labeled with a PD, likely only because I was very careful not to introduce those labels into his vocabulary. I was called many other profanity laced names, that referenced my mental health. He also had huge concerns over what he saw as my "hormonal issues." I would say, "Thanks for your concern toward my well-being." Then walk away.
My BPDxh would tell me that I was f@#$ing crazy, just like my (bipolar) father. The funny part was that my father had been medicated for the entire time that I knew xh, and had never displayed any outward symptoms. In other words, if I hadn't told xh about my father's diagnosis, he never would have known.
He would lash out with these kinds of attacks any time that I was feeling down. I lost my mother at a young age, and there are a few times a year when I would get a bit sad (her birthday, the anniversary of her death, some holidays). My deal was that I would give myself one day to feel whatever I was feeling, if I wanted to cry or stay in bed on that given day I did...the next day I pushed back to normal. In 20 years I never saw him express sadness in losing anyone, including several people very close to him. But when I did so, I was crazy.
The other time he would say these things was when he pushed and pushed me, and I finally exploded. Days and weeks of sleep deprivation, endless lectures, being made to feel like I couldn't do anything right, working like a dog while he stayed home drinking and doing drugs...on occasion I would snap at him...yelling, storming out of the house, etc. I would be called crazy, too sensitive, unstable, lazy, you name it.
It's kind of funny now to realize that they hurl every kind of crazy-making behavior at us only to turn around and say it was all our fault.
The projecting is hard to understand in the heat of the moment.
I was called many things and couldn't understand where they were coming from or who he thought he was married to - for instance, I was called 'cold' and 'frigid' so often (and questioned if I truly was), but I am actually one of those 'touchy' types - very huggy. I actually put my hands in my pockets to try to control myself knowing that as touchy as I am, others HATE being touched.
It's hard not to absorb everything being flung your way by an unhealthy person, especially before you understand projecting.
Now, I focus on what I know about me and laugh (sometimes laugh, followed by indignation or anger, followed again by laughter).
BPD BM did call SO a sociopath and a bully. Luckily it was via text. At first we were both very upset. BM's rant was very long and she said a lot of mean and hurtful things. SO never responded to her and never said anything in the first place (out of the blue she just started ranting via text). Then we noticed the irony (projection). BM was the one acting like a bully. She was saying hurtful things to SO to try to get him to give in to her demands. And in our opinion, she was the one being inconsiderate of others like a sociopath. And since it was a text he and I were able to take a step back and really process what was being said.
I resonate with so many comments here. I believed the comments for decades before I learned about PD and projection.
I've been called crazy, volatile, sensitive, too. That has mostly stopped as I've emotionally distanced.
But this one event comes to mind.
When DD was quite young, but too old for temper tantrums, she started having temper tantrums. This was just as I was learning about PD. uBPDh and I were discussing what to do about these tantrums. He looked at me, and in the nastiest, most accusing voice you can imagine said, "She gets this from you!" This was startling, because H generally uses sarcasm, snideness, and "jokes" but is rarely outright mean.
I nearly laughed. Not because it was funny, but because it was so absurd! I just paused a moment and said, "Agree to disagree on that one, I guess." He gave me a funny look and dropped it.
H sometimes calls me a narcissist. Water off a duck for me. He more frequently calls me crazy, and that hurts like hell.
When he calls me crazy, he is dismissing my entirely valid feelings. It's when I am telling him that he has hurt me that he calls me crazy. Ughhhh it hurts so bad.
When he calls me a narcissist, he is saying HE feels hurt. He sometimes says I am "the least empathetic person in the world." To call me a narcissist is just another way of saying that.
Of course I have no desire to hurt him and can usually help him with his feelings, but if he finds himself having to sit in the discomfort of his own feelings, he sees me as the evil mother who has neglected him. Hence, I'm NPD in that moment, to him.
Yes.
So my PD father (I’m NC) once started laughing hysterically at me as I was talking about how my day at university was. I just sat there and blinked. I’ll never forget how he gleefully told me, completely out of the blue, “you’re the most narcissistic person I’ve never met in my life!” and continued laughing to himself uncontrollably.
My UNPDxh who was incredibly unstable (maybe narc and BPD) told me that *I* was unstable (his lawyer tried that in court too... didn’t get anywhere though) and that he thought I was “bipolar” and needed medication.
Well, I’ve since been diagnosed with a condition but I believe it was brought on by my circumstances and life history: GAD and panic disorder. I take medication and have moved past my divorce and have rebuilt my life.
Joke’s on them!
Edited because I forgot to answer your question about how I reacted to my ex: think I was so shocked I didn’t even say anything.
My unPD mom said I was crazy and asked if I'd been brainwashed once. We disagreed on a political candidate. When I wouldn't budge, she offered to BUY MY VOTE. When I declined... well, I guess that equals crazy and brainwashed in her mind. The strangest thing was that the argument hadn't been heated. I just didn't budge, and I guess that was more than she could handle.
But she didn't say any of this to my face. She said it to my brother (and probably my dad and who knows who else). He only told me months after the fact. I laughed. The irony of her calling ME crazy? It was also probably a key moment for me coming Out of the FOG, because it was the first time I realized how disloyal she could be and over so little.
Cat. You should have "sold" her your vote, taken the money and voted for the candidate of your choice anyway.
Sometimes you don't have to be the better person!
Cat, isn't it illegal to buy someone's vote? That's bizarre. Some might even say that's crazy and yet she was calling you that!
The pd father of my children told me that he would go to court and say I was an unfit mother when I decided to divorce him. He never did at our hearing in court.
Before court, he had built a fairy tale story to my dd that he and his new partner would buy a big house to have her and my ds live with him. He didn't speak a word of this to me, my dd told me. It never happened and I wouldn't have let him.
He already had custody of my ds at that point, ds wanted to go live with his dad. It worked out fine, ds and dd were together every weekend, Friday to Sunday. Are besties today.
Quote from: WinterStar on March 20, 2021, 08:18:22 AM
Cat, isn't it illegal to buy someone's vote? That's bizarre. Some might even say that's crazy and yet she was calling you that!
It is indeed illegal. And that's exactly what I said. "She offered me a bribe, but
I'm the crazy one???"
Boat Babe, I'm not above it. :sly: The only thing holding me back is a knee-jerk refusal anytime she offers me money. Even before I was Out of the FOG, I knew her gifts always came with strings.
Yes, I get called crazy alot. Especially when I'm trying to confront uPDh on a lie he has told.
He tells the children behind my back that I'm angry, this, that, and the other. I just keep my cool, and my boundaries the best I can.
Another one is being told what a bad memory I have. Now that I'm Out of the FOG, it's a lot easier to say, "That's now how I see it," and walk away.
You're not alone!
Oh, yes, getting told I have a bad memory, or that he "never said that", or we "never discussed that" or every other gaslighting nonsense you can think of.
If it's something important, I put it in a text or email so he can't do that. If it's just bad things he said about me, well. It's BS anyway.
It took me forever to figure out to put it in writing. Duh, I know! Now he can only try to gaslight about stuff in the past, and....what can you do. I just say "that's not how I remember it" and get the HECK out of there, because those "conversations" are going nowhere good.
Question-
When you keep track of things said in an email or text, is that for your own sanity, or do use it to actually confront the lie?
I most definitely can't speak for everyone, Mary, but here's my reasoning.
In my case I kept texts where he made threats, in case it ever did come down to legal action or needing/wanting to prove that he was lying. My bpdxh would say things like, I'm going to tell all of your dirty little secrets to your family and friends. Not exactly sure to what he was referring. He also threatened to burn down the house with me and my dogs inside. He made self-harm statements and then denied it when I tried to get him to contact the suicide hotline. I ended up calling and showed the texts to the doctor before he was admitted.
I'm sure that others have their own reasons as well. For the most part, from what I have seen written, it is about self-protection.
I get gaslit, so I write things down so I can't have reality overwritten.
In the past, the gaslighting has been so bad as to...well, I went bad places and I didn't know what to believe. I nearly lost my entire self. Now I remember things and I KNOW what was real, even back then. Still some things are un-burying themselves and I'm saying "wait a minute!!!! What he said to me doesn't even match a proper timeline...BULLSHIT!!!!!" And poof goes another gaslight!
So now I write stuff, both to remember to share in T so I don't carry it myself, and also to keep a written record for myself so that can NEVER happen to me again. Even though I am fairly gaslight proof now. You never know.
I also keep a record of interactions with unPDmom and unPDmil. It's been very helpful for the times I start thinking, "Have I been unfair? Am I being too harsh?" Just a quick browse through the history of incidents keeps me from wandering too far back into the FOG.
I wouldn't use it to confront because there's no point. They'd only deny it.
In my experience, records are for you and maybe for third parties, but not for the PD.
They have tactics for everything. In the face of reality they can still twist it.
If nothing else, they will deflect by telling you how crazy you are for keeping records.
They are committed to their realities, and aren't going to break just because you have video evidence. Lol.
I have gotten so furious in the face of blatant gaslighting, and threatened to record every conversation henceforth.
Doesn't matter, of course. It's not like I'll remember to do it, or like any reasonable person would, and the PD will continue to deny right in the face of evidence, as you say.
Quote from: Associate of Daniel on February 25, 2021, 08:03:14 PM
Have any of you had your pd or upd tell you that you have a pd, or that you're mentally ill?
If so, how did you respond?
Personally, I laughed. He had been building up to it for a while.
I didn't find it so funny though when he told our ds (maybe 10 at the time) that I was mentally ill.
AOD
I looked him dead in the eye and said no shit. Would you like to see my disability card, that I have, because of my agoraphobia, that you suggested I go for?
It, uh, didn't go down well, but my friends had a laugh later when I told them.