Not sure where to start on this but feeling sad and angry at myself

[11JB68]

Note - I am NOT feeling 'depressed(clinically)' or suicidal.
I AM feeling sad, sort of angry at myself, unsure what to do or how to move forward.
I feel like I am not living a life/my life at all. Nothing to look forward to.
I get up early, take care of some domestic stuff, get ready for work, go to work, work all day at a job that I like/paid well, but is busy/stressful, etc. Work full time. Go home at night - do domestic stuff, cook dinner, stay up late watching too much TV with uPDh (not my choice - I don't mind tv/movies, but this is too much).
I am upset with myself that I have allowed this to happen. I feel like I'm becoming bitter and unhappy.

[losingmyself]

11JB, I know exactly what you're talking about. I have been feeling very sad lately, ok, for like 7-10 years. I sometimes feel hopeless, like, how many times have I pumped myself up, then done nothing?
I wish I had an answer

[Spring Butterfly]

It's so good to be aware of your emotions even if it's difficult. The message in anger is that a boundary needs to be reset. The message in sadness is there is something to release and let go. It sounds like you're so close to being moved to make massive changes. I call these internal boundaries - empowered growth - coming into owning it fully and making a huge leap. Please take time to tune in and I've been blogging some about internal boundaries because that's what made change possible for me.

[notrightinthehead]

I have been there. Bitter and resentful with myself and the world. Poisened many days of my life. And was another step. Looking back, I could have stayed in this phase and some people do;  after a while of bathing in self pity,  I chose to tap into these feelings of anger and work on my own behaviour. 
You have been on this site for a while, you know all the tools and the answers lie within you.  You are still collecting strength and courage. Please let this be another step for you to move towards a life that will be a better fit for you.

[Hopeful Spine]

I feel like I'm becoming bitter and unhappy.

I've been there.  Here's what I learned.

When you are sad and angry at OTHERS you become bitter because the solution is in their hands and you can't control it.
When you are sad and angry with YOURSELF - YOU must do the hard work of solving the problem or bitterness will follow.

I've sorted through a lot of baggage on here and made progress, but I can be bitter.  Like you, I don't have much to complain about.  But I saw myself in unhealthy behaviors so I started the journey.  I'm working to keep the toxic people out of my life, working to set boundaries for myself - but it's HARD.  All of it is hard.  I find ways to enjoy myself but that bitterness creeps in.  I now know that I am the only one who can make that bitterness go away.  I am responsible for me.

My current problem - I can't go back and set boundaries with those people who aren't even in my life anymore - they won and I'm bitter.  I can't defend myself (properly, like I should have) in situations that are long past.  They got the last word and I'm bitter.  I can't perform jobs that I didn't handle well and I can't fix the outcome - embarrassed and bitter.

When I don't think of those things I'm okay.  But many things remind me of the past.  I have relationships with mutual friends of the people I no longer see.  Social media gets me going.  Sometimes I have to work with people who I've previously not done my best work with.  So I struggle with those feeling of bitterness and how limiting it can be.

For me, getting outside of my comfort zone is huge.  A couple months ago I offered to throw a small get together for a friend.  I presented a few boundaries, told her to pick the guest list and I'd prepare a celebration.  It felt good and I spent a couple hours over the next few days happily searching the internet for recipes and cute party ideas. I then spent the next few weeks cursing myself for offering to do this whole thing.  The week before the party I was a bit stressed but I got my game plan together.  The evening before the party I had a BLAST!!  I was cooking, making the tables pretty, adding extra touches.  I was so proud and happy.  When I got into bed at 1:00 am I told my husband, "I'm really excited for tomorrow." 

The day of the party I was stressing because I asked my mother to help me with something (which is always stressful for me) and I wasted time ruminating over that.  But I pressed on and for the whole rest of the day I was able to keep my boundaries in check and I was able to stick to the plan and throw the party.  It was a fabulously fun time and it felt awesome!  When I got into bed that night I told my husband, "It was a really fun night".

That feeling carried over to the next day where I met a new person at a work event.  She was intimidating and while I was able to have a positive experience I felt deflated after she left.  And a bit bad about myself.  In the past I would have crashed on my couch with junk food after all of this.  But instead my husband and I choose to go out with good friends who were willing to compromise and accommodate us with a low-key outing.  When we got into bed last night I said, "I'm glad we went out with friends.  I'm so happy we started hanging out with them."

Today I'm feeling blessed - not bitter.

I also realized:
That my mom is not the problem.  Me ruminating over her is time that I decided to wasted.  Next time I won't do that.
That I'm getting lazy and I need to do the work if I want to better succeed at my career.  My jealousy of that woman is because I feel something lacking in my life and only I can fix that.
That I enjoy hosting people!  It's fun for me and I'm kind of good at it.  I plan to spend this summer having dinner parties.

NONE of this would have happened 2 years ago.  I still have a LOT of days where I'm sad and angry.  But I keep putting myself out there and it's finally paying off.  I'm confident that in another couple years I'll be even more authentic and mentally able to really live the amazing life that is waiting for me.

So maybe take stock.  What needs to change the most - a new job or better ways to decompress after the stressful days?  Spice up the marriage or take some time for yourself?  Do you need to add or subtract anyone or anything from your life?  Even temporarily to see where it leads you.  What interests you just a little?  Maybe read a book on that subject, or purchase something to get you started on that hobby.

Not all your days will be winners.  But keep trying and things will eventually turn around.

[tragedy or hope]

Me, I am kind of the opposite.  I spent years entertaining people and keeping busy. I got so tired of it, we moved from a big city.... not solely, but also for my health.

I had felt bitter that I allowed others to influence what I thought might be good for me.  So I let go of the notion that I have to DO anything,

No worries, the unmotivated need to start small imo. One night a week do something for you; a hobby, club, read a fun book even if it is in the same room with updh. Maybe one will turn into more as you get inspired.   

[1footouttadefog]

You are not being holistically cared for.

You have a job you like and that oays well.  That means a huge oart of the day is enjoyable enough.

If you are sleeping well most of the time this means another large block of time is handled/sorted.

The rest of each day and your days off might need to be looked at.  Perhaps taking back territimory in small blocks to address the aspects of yourself that habe needs jot being met.

Phychological -you are not deoressed, bit are you ever joyful or happy, content, introspective etc.  Find time to change that.

Social - are your social needs being met?

Spiritual - are your spiritual needs being met.

Intelectual

Artistic/music

Culinary needs andBeverages that interest and please.

Physical fitness and health

Emotional

Carving out time to meed the above needs will likely lead to a less amgry and bitter you.  Often these things can overlap and more than one need cam be met with a single time block.

Changing your habits and how you soend your time can bring conflict with a PD partner, however the tools in the toolbox area of this site can make the transition more optimum. 

Often when we as nons get past our fear if making changes the fall out is not as bad as we imagined and the household finds a new normal.

One thing that jumped out is that you spend alot of time watching things that are not your choice.  Perhaps thst is a Place to start. 

One thing I have done to reclaim time is to cook ahead so some evenings I have dinner prep down to a few mins. 

Combining chores with listening to lectures or books on tape and podcasts helps make that time more pleasurable.

Simply cutting back on the freqiency of some chores and delegating small tasks to others has also freed up some time. 

I am patiently waiting on covid related impacts on socializing away from home to pass.  Many things I had kist started to do last year have been in hold.

As I took bits of my life back, I habe feot less angry etc.    I think we cam give so much to our relationships trying to fix tuem and make things better we can find ourselves lost then resent it when we realize it was for naught or nearly so.

I hope you find joy and happiness replacing anger and bitterness soon.

Also anger can be part of grieving when you come out of fog so double down on the self care.