Should I confront my GC sister about her emotional abuse?

[moonset]

Hello folks. Long time lurker, first time poster. Looking for some advice on whether to confront my sister or not, after realising the full extent of her emotional abuse. 

Will try to keep the background brief. I was the scapegoat in an enmeshed, emotionally immature FOO. My younger sister and I were raised from when we were younger teenagers by our maternal grandmother, as our mother (who suffered severe health problems) couldn't look after us anymore, and social services weren't able to find us a permanent home after being in the foster care system for a while. My grandmother (and also my mum, when she was well) had a strong favouritism towards my sister, who could do no wrong, and I was treated as the scapegoat. I was barely tolerated in the house, and then was kicked out of that home the day after I turned 18. My grandmother was too emotionally immature to tell me I had to leave in person, she wrote me a letter and handed it to me, and that was that. I kept in touch with them as I didn't realise I wasn't being treated great, and did the classic scapegoat thing of trying to win love and approval. My grandmother eventually developed dementia and passed away 10 years ago.

My sister continued the behaviour of my grandmother (who she was very close to) after she passed away, and our relationship has been marked by lengthy, years long silent treatment when she cuts me off, followed by a conditional reconciliation with guilt tripping about all the things I'd done wrong or been hurtful - and then we've be in touch and had a sort of relationship, but I'd spend most of my time on eggshells. I have done a lot of JADE-ing to prove that yes, I do care. I have done so much apologising - it felt like the same crimes were being dragged up every time she wanted to push me away, even if I had apologised for them a thousand times over. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, she always had a reason for us not to be close, a reason to keep me on the end of a puppet string.

One day a few years ago, after realising all the relationships I had with men had a running theme of emotional unavailability, abuse and dysfunction, I took myself to get professional help. I attended talk therapy for 18 months (have recently shifted to sensorimotor therapy as it's more helpful for CPTSD). With my talk therapist, I was able to unpack all the dysfunctional relationships in my life and make sense of them, and I did come 'Out of the FOG'.  When I told my sister I was going to therapy, her response was 'I'm so happy, as you will hopefully be able to see things from my perspective'.

I don't think it's had quite the effect she was hoping for, as it's just made me see all that she's done to me. She was completely spoilt as a child and young adult, and got everything she ever wanted. As an example, she was bought a brand new flute worth hundreds of pounds by my grandmother - I got given £10 when I asked if I could have something towards a hobby too. When I suggested to my grandmother that there might be some favouritism at play, of course, she denied it (a running theme of my reality being warped, my feelings being dismissed). Now I know the psychological terms, they were enmeshed with each other. My sister had crippling social anxiety as my grandmother made her very dependent on her - it got so bad, she refused to go to school for 2 years and missed key years of her education - which my grandmother indulged and enabled rather than trying to get her the help she needed.

I was often either ignored or the subject of complaint or gossip between them, so I stayed out of the house while I was still living there - for this, I was 'cold', and 'didn't care about them' - a judgement I have never managed to shake off. My sister would cut up my CDs and clothes when I wasn't at home, then I would come back to find them. If I confronted her about it and an argument started, it would end with my Nan screaming at me and hitting me, and forcing me to apologise to my sister while she stood behind my grandmother pulling smug faces as she knew she'd won again. It was somehow always my fault. I just wanted to get away from them, so getting kicked out was probably the kindest thing they did for me, as it was a catalyst for escape. I didn't realise at the time that none of this was normal or healthy, that it was pathological. I just thought my family was not one I wanted to spend much time around, and there were lots of people like that, so

As we've grown up into adults, the abuse has continued. My sister's favourite instruments are guilt tripping and silent treatment. She's also:
* Makes passive-aggressive comments about my appearance, even though I've only ever told her she looks beautiful, or that a colour suits her, etc. We are different builds, I'm taller and slimmer, whereas she is shorter and has struggled with her weight due to health issues, so in her mind, that justifies her making cruel remarks about how I look or what I wear because I deserve it or can take it. 
* She's never been happy for me when I've done well in life, and instead insists that I 'look down on her' because I earn more than she does (which isn't the case at all because I was forced to struggle financially too when they kicked me out of the house, but she refuses to listen and can apparently decide my thoughts for me).
* She sets me up to fail by not allowing me to actually be there for her when she needs healthy support or love during times of struggle, instead she doesn't communicate what's going on, and then blames me for failing to be there for her (I never realised at the time, but she's rarely been there for me, which made me both sad and LOL at not seeing it before).
* She doesn't bother getting in touch and it's usually me reaching out, asking her how she is, or arranging to meet up when I go home (I live far away).
* When I have confronted her in the past about not treating me or others well (she neglected my grandmother during her later years as she struggled to face her deteriorating cognitive functions) she gets explosively angry, so it becomes impossible to have a healthy discussion or resolution. The issue gets deflected back to me for 'having a bad day at work' and that's why I am confronting her, not that she had done anything wrong.
* She never apologises for anything or is able to take accountability for her actions. I have in the past apologised to her just to resolve an issue, even if I have done nothing wrong.
* She's tried to police my personality in the past if it's stepped out of the meek scapegoat box my FOO put me in - I got told I was 'embarrassing her' after showing enthusiasm and excitement during a history tour we did of the city in Europe that I moved to a few years ago. I could go on, but hopefully this gives a sense for our relationship.

I've realised I've bent over backwards for her in the past to try and get her love and approval. She wasn't able to meet me in a healthy place because of everything that she experienced and was conditioned into as a child. I know it's not really her fault and she won't realise this until she gets help herself (if she ever does). She's been the one with the overt mental health struggles (anxiety and depression) and I've just 'got on with it' - but I recognise how I have been treated _has_ affected me in other ways, including my ability to form healthy relationships, and therapy has been harrowing and anxiety inducing to realise all the ways I've hidden away parts of myself that weren't palatable to my FOO, all the hoops I've jumped through and how traumatising it actually was to not get the love and acceptance I needed or deserved. I'm still a work in progress, but the more I learnt in therapy, the angrier I have gotten at my sister. Fellow forum members, I am so angry. I feel a huge sense of injustice for how I have been made to feel unworthy, unloveable and full of shame for who I am. Because it turns out - I'm not a terrible person! I'm actually good enough just as I am. And yet my sister continues to make me feel terrible.

We haven't spoken since summer last year. At the time, she offered to go to a family therapist to work on our issues. I saw this as a positive sign, but then she started the guilt-tripping and holding apparent 'crimes' of me not being there for her over my head again. I decided to just go no contact as it triggered a bad episode of anxiety, and with the pandemic and social isolation, it was a bit too much to deal with.

But now I find myself wanting to write her a long letter, outlining everything I have learnt in therapy, and all the ways that she has hurt me.  The urge is so strong, and the feelings of anger are so intense - I feel the need to make her see what she's done, make her aware that I'm hurt too, I suffered too, it wasn't just her that suffered in our mess of a childhood.

I am writing this post as I want to confront her in writing - not because I think she will apologise, but because I just need to tell her how I feel, make her know that I will no longer tolerate being made to feel like a terrible person because I'm not. I'm not hopeful of a resolution but I'd at least like her to think about how her actions have affected me. Am I mad to want to send something like this? Has anyone ever done this and it's prompted some kind of positive change in the relationship? More generally, how do you deal with the inevitable anger when coming Out of the FOG?

[bloomie]

moonset - hi and welcome. I am really glad you have joined the community as another spoke in the wheel of self care decisions that is moving your life forward in a positive and empowered way.

What a lot of years to have dealt with such invalidation and injustice from family members who you trusted and who were in a position to nurture and protect you and guide you into a healthy adulthood. You deserved so much better and it is truly a breakthrough to see that for yourself. To stand strong on the truth of who you actually are. Not who you were told you are by those it might serve to keep you in a step down, always striving, never quite good enough position.

A letter... many here have written letters and some have sent them. We even have an unsent letter board where you can get things out and be heard by others who understand. It is a sacred ground for those of us who choose not to, or are unable to send those letters.

That said, being clear on what it is you are looking for by writing and sending this kind of a letter to someone who has shown you repeatedly they are not willing or unable to see your pain or love you just as you are is vital.

Words are powerful. No doubt about that, but as powerful as words are we cannot make another person see us or care about us or acknowledge the pain they have caused us.

I feel the need to make her see what she's done, make her aware that I'm hurt too, I suffered too, it wasn't just her that suffered in our mess of a childhood.

The injustice you feel and the anger that flows from it is valid and important and may be so powerful as a way to tell you some things.

At a similar point in my own healing journey I found myself sitting opposite a wise therapist and I could not stop crying. I very rarely cry. All I could say was... "I don't know why I am so sad"... and my T said.. "I actually think what you are is really, really mad."

And I was. I wrote and wrote and wrote. Letters that outlined it all. Then I wrote some more. I spent time doing some work around the language of anger - which asks the questions what needs to be protected and what needs to be restored. (taken from the work of Karla McLaren: https://karlamclaren.com/understanding-and-befriending-anger/ )

I leaned into that anger and let it energize me to cut unhealthy emotional ties I had to a few family members that were dragging me backwards and continuing to be too looming in my current life that had taken an important turn toward health and healing.

No one here can say if you should send that letter. Only you know what will bring you to a place of letting the injustice and wrongs done you go and fully embracing your freedom. I only know that when I have looked to someone who's ongoing consistent behaviors over time have made it clear that they are unsafe for me and have no interest in my well being, it has only brought more disappointment and pain. That has been my personal experience.

Sometimes we write a letter and send it because we need to know we have stood up for ourselves and we expect nothing in return only the peace that comes from knowing we said what we needed to say.

I hope you will take a look around the forum and read through the insights on the boards and make good use of the resources here for you. May your time here be validating and empowering. I look forward to supporting you as you settle in and share your journey.

[LoverofPeace]

Hello and a Warm Welcome Moonset,

I love your screenname, very cool!

I can understand what you're going through because I have grown up in the same type of boat. Though I have distanced myself for some years now, I am still kind of dealing with the effects of the Nsis (you will notice I won't be saying 'my' about any of the FOO, because I no longer claim most of them). I have had to physically fight this Nsis as children, and unfortunately having to defend myself just a few years ago at 53 years old! I also just posted about the Nsis going too far yet again, this time with the Ngrand and Nmom's finances. But hey, they GC'd her as if she could do no wrong, while that is how she was treating things.

With that said, you could write and talk to this sister to detail all the wrongs she did. Maybe you'll feel better, too. Like Bloomie said, that would be your choice and I would advise to give yourself time, space, and prayer and you will receive the answers as long as your heart stays open. But in my humble opinon, your sis will just revel in receiving more of the attention and will only try to use your open wounds against you.  She might say something like, "Remember you wrote..." and throw more accusations at you. Don't forget they love any type of attention, the negatives and all. And don't forget they study us to get to our weaknesses in order to use it against us. So, I believe she doesn't deserve another ounce of your energy. As Bloomie also said, there's that part of the board where you can write the letters and post it here if you'd like. Or, just tuck it away some where.

While I understand your burning desire to get it off your chest and tell her everything, as I also felt that way at one time, I want you to know my silence towards these N family members feels so much better. That's why my screenname is 'Lover Of Peace'. Ironically, I  have had to fight for it, but it feels oh so much better knowing God will take our steering wheel and all we have to do is just 'BE'.

Hope this can help. Glad you are here and I love how you've been doing your therapy. That's another avenue you can take; talk to your therapist about it and use the tools they give you. But definitely pray on everything, I suggest.

Take care, angel!   

[Hazy111]

I appreciate your desire, but will it resolve anything?

I think deep down like many of us, you want an acknowledgement and admission on her part . I very much doubt it will happen based on your description of her  (admittedly biased). There is no "lightbulb"  moment  when the abuser sees the light. It probably cranks up their resentment.

Write it, then throw it away.

As others have said you have to find a way to move on. 

[moonset]

Hello again and apologies for the delayed reply to this thread. I have been a little dysregulated lately and struggled to know how to reply when my brain is a bit of a foggy murk.

Bloomie - your welcoming words of wisdom, warmth and understanding were such a comfort to me - I sat down and had a good cry when I read it because you made me feel so seen. Thank you for the wonderful article on anger, it's been so helpful and inspiring that I shared it with a friend who also struggles in a different way when connecting with her anger. Thank you for sharing your journey and experiences too - it helps those of us who are earlier in our journey to see there is clearer, less foggy days ahead. It sounds like writing has been a great balm to you and I'm so grateful that you're willing to support others with your words in this forum.

LoverOfPeace - your screen name is pretty rad too  and thank you for all your advice. I feel your pain in dealing with the FOO and Nsis and I also see your strength in choosing peace - that takes a great deal of work to reconnect with yourself - I'm so happy that you have come so far, as like Bloomie, you give me hope that I can journey on too. Your advice to take my time and think things through, and to look for the answers in prayer (or my interpretation of it) is something I have been allowing myself to do inbetween the bursts of anger.  You're completely right about a letter being used against me and / or feeding her ego. The other alternative is she reads it and simply ignores it, or deflects and blames. None of these are outcomes I'd feel happy with, so choosing silence is, as you say, actually the more powerful and peace-creating option.

Hazy111 - thank you for asking the blunt question I needed to answer within myself. I appreciated the sharp insights you gave me, it's really appreciated.

For anyone else reading and has been suffering from similar feelings of anger, one thing that has really helped me (which I can thank the YouTube recommendations algorithms for finding at seemingly the perfect time) is finding a lady called The Crappy Childhood Fairy (aka Anna Runkle) on YouTube. She specialises in helping those with CPTSD and has a short, free course on a simple, twice daily technique for emotional regulation, which involves writing out fears and resentments, then meditation for 20 mins. I've been doing this now for the past few days, and it's had surprisingly good results. I read about the writing fears and resentments out in another book but I can't remember which one (might have been The Body Keeps the Score). I think all I needed to do was write these feelings down _somewhere_ and then it feels like I've dispelled them for the day, and they play a lot less on my mind. Silly how simple it was and is. But it works, and I feel a lot calmer. 

I'm going to focus on getting this new process into my daily routine and see if this calms my dysregulation down over time. It's my sister's birthday tomorrow, so I think my anxiety about not being in contact with her has also been raising it's ugly head, because I feel so bad not sending her anything for it - but then I remember she doesn't bother with my birthday or wishing me a happy Christmas, so it's an old pattern of pandering to her that is echoing into the present. Mix all that in with the anger at the injustice of being cast as villain and being made to jump about like a puppet to win her love and approval, and it's been a distracting and foggy couple of weeks. Thanks again for all your advice all, it means a lot <3