Moving on ...Advice Appreciated

[Markclo1]

Hey everybody,
looking for some advice.
Im in a situatuion where my narcissistic father hasnt spoek to me in about 8 years...because i confronted him about his behaviour in a difficult conversation some years ago.
The last few months have been filled with hard conversations with my sister around the dysfunctional dynamics in the family and how the family as a whole respond to my father
I am honestly so sick and tired of going round in circles with the same conversations...we are getting nowehere. We talked about family counselling but we couldnt even agree on some things around that
I have a great family of my own.,..and as sad as this is to say i am ready to move on from my relationship with my sister. If you've got to this point, please get in touch with how you navigated these dynamics. I guess im ready to not have any relationship with my sister, because she simply wont face reality, its exhausting going over the same things again and again and again. for my own emotional well being, i have decided its best to move on with my life. Any materials or books you could recommend around this topic would also be great. I cant save my toxic family, and i have just lost all motivation to be involved in that situation any longer.

[guitarman]

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. I no longer wish to see her. I haven't had any contact with her for over two years.

I call her my abuser and I am her target of abuse.

It took me a long time to realise that I can't change anyone else's behaviour. I can only change and control my own. That is very freeing to realise.

I have come to the conclusion that my sister won't ever change. Being in contact with her was only causing me trauma and stress.

My golden rule is to always remain calm. I had learnt not to feed her narcissistic supply.

Observe, don't absorb.

Your sister appears to have "fleas" or be a "flying monkey" and maybe a minor narcissists herself. She supports your NPD father. I don't suppose any counselling will ever change her view. It would then seem pointless to go together. She would only use the time to try to change your point of view.

Therapy mighty help you if you go on your own. You maybe able to get some insight into your relationship and how you can continue.

You may like to follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez".

Kris Godinez often says:
"If these people were not related to you would you have anything to do with them? If the answer is "No" then act accordingly."

It seems that your relationship with your sister has broken and can't be fixed because she won't change her view about your abusive father.

Kris Godinez has a recommended book list on her Facebook page that you may find of interest.

[LemonLime]

Welcome and I'm glad you found us.   But sorry you needed to find us.

I have an uPD sib.   You and I have different situations, as my parents are not PD's.   I applaud your insights so far.....you understand that the conversations are circular and will likely not improve.

I would encourage you to continue to DO, not SAY.   PD's only understand actions, not words.   They use our words against us, so don't give your sib any words to use as ammo.

I have found Dr. Ramani's videos excellent for support about all things narcissistic.  And Dr. Les Carter.   And Dr. Fox.   
And Bill Eddy, who is an attorney who deals with High Conflict divorce, I believe.   He is a gem and has great tools for dealing with high conflict people.

Good luck, keep posting.   Things will get better.

[Markclo1]

Thanks for the replies,

I honestly never thought that i would be in this siutation. But you know what, now that i am, Im actually doing OK.
Hopefully this can be encouraging to others in a similar position.
I have been to therapy by myself and that has been helpful for me on my journey.
I used to think that my narcissist father would surely change his ways at some point, but i now accept that he probably never will.
My sister is one of these people who likes to keep the peace, rather than actually being a peacemeaker. I cant help her any longer if she wont face reality. I think she partly blames for this situation, but unlike her and other family members, i refused to just go along with making the best of a bad situation and actually tried to hold my father accountable for his behaviour. I never expected it to cost me my whole family, but here we are.

[BerneseMtnMom]

It is good you are getting support.  I have been on this journey for three years (and knowledgeable about PD's only 2.5 years of those three). 

My whole family supports my narc sister, and everything came to a head as my aging father (also a narcissist) went into hospice and passed away in 2020. 

This forum has helped, as well as Dr. Ramani, Dr. Les Carter, "The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissist", a book by Eleanor D. Payson. In my effort to understand my family and how it became so dysfunctional, I listened to "Generations Deep", by Gina Birkemeier and "It Didn't Start With You", by Mark Wolynn on audible books.  The one observation that is the saddest is that I had to grieve people who were still alive.  But I knew if I stayed in the mix fighting with my sister, that I would not have a real life.

My story is long, and yours probably is long, too. Journey is the right word.  Best wishes on your journey.

[Markclo1]

Thanks yes, and good to hear about your journey too.

Yes there have been so many difficult parts of this journey along the way. I grew up with an anxiety disorder because of my fathers decisons and emotional abuse. He had an affair with the mother of some of my closest school friends, and we were just told to accept it. As i got older and raised questions i was made to feel like i was the one with the problem. Years of hurt and pain

These days i am older and wiser and persepctive is a gift, i am better outisde of all that mess and thankfully have my own family which is stable and thriving,