Birthday Party Invites

[ootf12345]

I was NC with my ncMOM for many years. I'm now VLC and i've invited her to some special events to see my kids. My kids barely have a relationship with her. She doesn't make an effort, but she knows I have very strong boundaries and doesn't overstep.  But saying that, she doesn't really care much either. I'm happy with the level of contact, so grateful she isn't insisting to see them. She last saw them at xmas. My father (who is divorced) who was also invited to the xmas event, has said he would just stay a short time, because he says it's awkward having small talk with her and can only handle a short period in an intimate setting with her. So he came at a different time over xmas to spend time with us. I don't mind that at all. He got to spend more time with the kids 1 on 1.

On Easter, last minute, I sent her a happy easter message and asked if she wanted to see the kids. She replied she was busy around the house and made no attempt to ask to see them as a raincheck.

The kids birthday is coming up, and while I don't care about inviting her. It's fine to have her there. That's not the issue for me.. The events are drama free. I've been thinking, why should my dad have to not come to the main event to avoid her? He's the one who makes the effort with the kids and has a relationship with them. A part of me thinks that it's his decision to do that. The kids are young enough to not notice this kind of thing, but one day they will be.

I'm still at the point I am happy to invite her, because it's up to her if she comes. But she makes barely any attempt to be part of their lives.  I'm really happy with the passiveness of our relationship. My mental health is isn't anxiety ridden over it. I don't worry about drama at family events. She actually has put all her effort into my sibling's relationship. So much complaining to them that she doesn't see their kids, to guilt them. I tell them that she actually doesn't care, because she doesn't make an effort with mine.

I don't know where the future of that relationship with her is going. I've grieved that loss of a mother. I have no expectations of a relationship with her, nor want anymore than this. I just wonder where to from here when the kids are getting old enough to notice these things. I also don't want to impact my sibling's events. I'm just a little bit upset that my father is the one excluding himself because of him... even though it's his choice. I just think it'll impact the kids soon enough. Do i basically tell him to suck it up and try stay longer? It's difficult when my mom is just constantly whinging about everything. I have to admit, I rarely enjoy conversations with her too!

A part of me has thought to accidently tell her the wrong time for the event... hahah.. Most of our recent events are a bit staggered over the kids nap times, so it might not even be an obvious error.  For instance, the start time has been 10am for an event, but my sibling and their kids come at 11am. I could have a passive invite "if you get here after 11.30am, xy will definietely be here then".... Then invite my father from 10am.  In that way, he gets to spend a lot of time with the kids one on one, then time with my sibling, then only a small amount of time with my mom before he leaves. Anyway, does anyone have any tips or ideas?

Both kids birthdays will be small because of covid.......

[Jolie40]

pre-covid & before NC:

one year planned family b'day party for child but no one could come that day & everyone was SO busy!

ended up having 4 small get togethers throughout b'day month
it did give our young child individual time with each family
never did that again though

maybe you could do same.....have couple different get togethers

[Call Me Cordelia]

My parents were like your mother pre-NC. Would show up for “official” stuff like birthdays, but made no effort to get to know or spend time with my children. I got the distinct vibe it was a duty attendance to keep up appearances at their grandkids’ party. It was so awkward to see the other parents trying to make small talk with them. I eventually decided that I didn’t want to deal with them at larger events. I framed it like the kids are going to be all about their friends and running around excited at the party, and it doesn’t seem like you enjoy it much. Which they admitted. I think it’s better we make your own “special time” with the children. They got to save face and I could enjoy my kid’s birthdays again. Win-win. But then they were just too busy!  Oh well. 

Messing with time of arrival feels manipulative to me. I think it’s kinder to be as direct as you can. You say you’re fine having her there, but this post would suggest otherwise. At the very least you aren’t fine with your dad’s leaving the event. You could talk to him and say how you feel, and work out a solution together. (I’m assuming that could work with him but not your mom.)

[Cat of the Canals]

If I was in your shoes, I think I'd much rather have my father at the events than my mother. And I'd feel a little like I was sacrificing with the current way of things, honestly.

I like Cordelia's suggestion of making some sort of alternative plans with your mother and not inviting her to the parties if your father is going to attend. If she has no interest, then that's on her. It sucks for you and your kids, but they're going to figure out something isn't right with grandma at some point anyway.

[sandpiper]

For years I walked the earth feeling like I had to be 'fair' with people, despite the fact that they weren't doing the same for me. I wound up feeling drained and exhausted because I'd given equal opportunities to people who I probably should have been setting boundaries with and limiting my time with. And one thing I came to realise was that every time I gave a chunk of my life to someone who really didn't care about it, that was a chunk of my life I could have been using to build stronger relationships with people who can actually nourish me.
I think Covid gives you a fabulous excuse to set limits with people who really don't care very much about you.
If I was in your shoes I'd invite the parent who is interested in your kids to be part of the BD celebrations & if you want to tell your mother something, say that you are only doing small, intimate celebrations for the time being and if she wants to celebrate your kids birthdays then perhaps she'd like to join you at X (fill in the blank). I've seen a lot of people here do this, and select a venue where there is entertainment provided, like a movie or a theme park, or a show. You meet, you watch, you have ice-cream, and then you all get on the train and go home. I found that this strategy worked really well for a while with my uBPDsis.
I have come to realise that kids learn about boundaries and healthy relationships by watching how the people around them create those things. One day your kids may have truly awful PD in-laws and if they've seen how you manage those sorts of relationships by keeping them at the periphery of your social circle, it will help give them some skills and something to reference, even if you aren't around to advise them.
FWIW I feel for your Dad. If he is the grandparent who is willing to step up then I'd facilitate that. Kids notice the dynamics in relationships and if your Dad leaves when your mother is doing something to make him feel uncomfortable, they will notice that. I always knew when my grandparents were bullying people, they were masters of passive aggression & even though I was too young to realise what they'd actually said or done, I could feel the air change in the room after they'd done it.

[ootf12345]

pre-covid & before NC:

one year planned family b'day party for child but no one could come that day & everyone was SO busy!

ended up having 4 small get togethers throughout b'day month
it did give our young child individual time with each family
never did that again though

maybe you could do same.....have couple different get togethers

Thanks for responding!
I would usually do separate events but we have my in-laws who have to travel to come see us. For them, they want a nice event because they miss out on so much living far away. They don't live in the same state with any of their grandchildren. Saying that, they'll only be visiting for one of their birthdays this year.

[ootf12345]

My parents were like your mother pre-NC. Would show up for "official" stuff like birthdays, but made no effort to get to know or spend time with my children. I got the distinct vibe it was a duty attendance to keep up appearances at their grandkids' party. It was so awkward to see the other parents trying to make small talk with them. I eventually decided that I didn't want to deal with them at larger events. I framed it like the kids are going to be all about their friends and running around excited at the party, and it doesn't seem like you enjoy it much. Which they admitted. I think it's better we make your own "special time" with the children. They got to save face and I could enjoy my kid's birthdays again. Win-win. But then they were just too busy!  Oh well. 

Messing with time of arrival feels manipulative to me. I think it's kinder to be as direct as you can. You say you're fine having her there, but this post would suggest otherwise. At the very least you aren't fine with your dad's leaving the event. You could talk to him and say how you feel, and work out a solution together. (I'm assuming that could work with him but not your mom.)

Thanks for replying. There's a part of me that is annoyed she's the one making it uncomfortable for others, but I couldn't care too much about her actually being there. I'm just sad that he's the one missing out, because he makes the effort.

I actually have thought similar to you, about at least the second party this year - to be about their friends. We have my in laws who have to travel for the first party this year and won't be coming for the second. I think logistically it'll be easier with separate "drop ins" for anyone who wanted to see him for his birthday.

I think for the first birthday, where my sibling never makes it on time lol, to just say "come at 11.30, bcause that's probably when xy will make it"...  not actually have a formal start time. it's not quite manipulating the situation, but just having a drop in event! There's no formalities for this. Just cake. I'll just make sure that they'll all be there for cake. It'll be less overwhelming in our small space at home.

[ootf12345]

For years I walked the earth feeling like I had to be 'fair' with people, despite the fact that they weren't doing the same for me. I wound up feeling drained and exhausted because I'd given equal opportunities to people who I probably should have been setting boundaries with and limiting my time with. And one thing I came to realise was that every time I gave a chunk of my life to someone who really didn't care about it, that was a chunk of my life I could have been using to build stronger relationships with people who can actually nourish me.
I think Covid gives you a fabulous excuse to set limits with people who really don't care very much about you.
If I was in your shoes I'd invite the parent who is interested in your kids to be part of the BD celebrations & if you want to tell your mother something, say that you are only doing small, intimate celebrations for the time being and if she wants to celebrate your kids birthdays then perhaps she'd like to join you at X (fill in the blank). I've seen a lot of people here do this, and select a venue where there is entertainment provided, like a movie or a theme park, or a show. You meet, you watch, you have ice-cream, and then you all get on the train and go home. I found that this strategy worked really well for a while with my uBPDsis.
I have come to realise that kids learn about boundaries and healthy relationships by watching how the people around them create those things. One day your kids may have truly awful PD in-laws and if they've seen how you manage those sorts of relationships by keeping them at the periphery of your social circle, it will help give them some skills and something to reference, even if you aren't around to advise them.
FWIW I feel for your Dad. If he is the grandparent who is willing to step up then I'd facilitate that. Kids notice the dynamics in relationships and if your Dad leaves when your mother is doing something to make him feel uncomfortable, they will notice that. I always knew when my grandparents were bullying people, they were masters of passive aggression & even though I was too young to realise what they'd actually said or done, I could feel the air change in the room after they'd done it.

Thank you for all of this. Exactly what I needed to read. I thought about my wording a little bit better on how I would manage the situation and whether or not I'd say anything to my dad. I chatted with my hubby, who said don't interfere with what my dad wants to do, because he's doing what he thinks is best for the event to be drama free. He's really really had a hard time from her for much of his life. They seperated when I was in pre-school. She made his life hell. The fact that he'll be in the same room is amazing.

My In-laws do need boundaries, but they're not toxic people. I think because they live far away, they just get over excited and don't really understand the dynamics of young kids. We've told them no to visiting for one of our kid's birthday, because it falls during the school term. Their visits really disrupt our child; so much so, they get really upset after they leave. We said yes to coming for the other one's birthday because it falls over school break.  While they won't bring it up again, there's still a part of them that don't understand that we're thinking of our kid's needs first and not their needs. There's so much more to this situation, but it's not worth going into great details over.

I think for the first child, an informal drop in is the best way to go. That way, i only just need to align a cake and not overwhelm the kids. nMom doesn't even eat cake anyway. Second child, will be a celebration with their friends and if any family want to see him, they can come another time. Our house is so small, and the kids will have one of their parents attend too. It was kind of driving me crazy on how to manage so many adults and kids at once at home...