Vorstellung

[Isadora35]

Hello!

Hello .
I am 42 and living in Austria.
I am here to educate myself, to understand,

I fear that my current husband and father of my child is a covert narcissist. At least the descriptions I googled fit him exactly. Although I still hope he isn't. Maybe he is passive-aggressive. I can't interpret it exactly... but for Sure, he is toxic and no good choice as a Partner and husband .


I guess that my mother also has unhealthy narcissistic parts - an inherited dynamic? She neglected me emotionally. Otherwise I had everything and was a "happy" child. I was never hugged, I couldn't talk to anyone about my feelings, I was never taken seriously. And mother devalues ��others when they don't act according to her opinion. In any case, for me she is somehow emotionally disturbed.
She can't listen at all. She only ever sees herself. And that's how I see it with many people. If I tell something that is close to my heart, some family members immediately start to talking about themselves. I just accept it...then I'll just listen to them .

 I've never had a long, fulfilling relationship. I never understood why I only ever met men who just weren't really right for me or were bad for me. I preferred being single and ended relationships quite quickly because I didn't want to change anyone, including myself. I think that this has something to do with my upbringing. But I know little about this childhood. I can hardly remember anything except traumatic experiences, which were more of a stupid coincidence than someone intentionally trying to inflict fear and terror on me, mostly.
Almost all of my life so far, I have been looking for -...myself.


 I always look for my share when something doesn't fit between people. I'm not perfect. I am human after all . But it is very important to me to respect the free will of others. Many years ago I was often jealous and somewhat possessive for no reason. I also constantly wanted my boyfriend to only do things with me. I had really low self-esteem and thought I wasn't good enough. Suffered in earlier years of body dismorphia. I couldn't really listen either. But I never put pressure on anyone.


I met my Husband 2 years ago. He showered me with love. He was so charming. He said that his mother, who had just died, had arranged for us to meet because we were so perfect for each other. He is so happy that I exist. Everything happened so quickly. Too fast. I disregarded the first red flags. He complained so much about his ex-girlfriend and other people in the beginning. But he was the victim. I didn't give it any importance, I accepted it, I was blinded by "love".
 And he was involved with drugs back then and stopped later.  I've smoked weed myself for half my life.

After only 4 months of dating, I became pregnant unplanned. Due to that, we got married in July 2022. Unfortunately. Slowly he began to change. He became increasingly cold and unloving. Even during the pregnancy he was insulted when I didn't want to do what he wanted. He was offended when I didn't want to go shopping with him, didn't want to go on vacation as often as he would, or when I wanted to do something else besides watching TV because I don't like watching TV that much. Then he became defensive and withdrew, just turned away and didn't talk to me anymore.

It was a difficult pregnancy and we couldn't have sex for a long time. Shortly after the birth, September 23, he pressured me to have sexual intercourse, but I didn't want to. Cuddling without sex and just Lay together seemed a no go for him .  So again silence and total withdrawal of love.

By the way, he mentioned that my mother reminded him a lot of his mother.

When breastfeeding finally worked, he constantly touched my breasts, for weeks, even though I told him often enough that I didn't like that.  At that time everything suddenly had a sexual undertone for him. I didn't really want to think about it any further. Brushed it off as jealousy. I gave all my strength and love to the baby. Cried alone in the dark.

When sexual intercourse became possible again, we had sex 2 to 3 times in a week. That wasn't enough for him. Every day without sex meant silence and inaccessibility on his part. He said that this wasn't enough sexual intercourse for him in the long run. Unfortunately, he didn't understand that pressure has no place in a relationship and only makes things worse. He never responded to my needs! And to be honest... I often took part just for his sake.
If he was angry, he wouldn't help with anything! He let me do all the work. Baby and household. Day and night. But he always wanted to have the baby in public. Maybe to show what a good father he is. Soon I was hardly included in his countless selfies anymore. But he always treated the child good!

 The house now looked terribly messy. Although he was unemployed until dec 2023 (he inherited a considerable sum from his mother, never told me how much).
Whenever I asked him for more help, he would get angry and start accusing me of something (but he never boiled over, his anger was quiet)  . In his eyes it was always only me who was to blame! Always. He couldn't tolerate anything that sounded like criticism to him. Normal communication was never possible with him. I wanted to clarify the past with him and talk about it - he didn't see anything that needed to be clarified.
I was often sad because of him. Even that didn't matter to him. And again I looked for shares in myself.
Yes, We also had good times.

 I often asked him why he became so heartless. There was never an answer! In August 2023 I wrote to him that I wanted my old man back the way he was in the beginning. Answer: "I drove him away."

At some point he started talking badly about my friends. He got angry if i wanted to visit my friends without him. But Was not happy to go with me either.
He didn't have any friends and didn't want any. I was enough for him. He became jealous for no reason and would always complain when I picked up the phone. But nevertheless I picked up the cell phone- i love reading more than watching TV-  then we didn't talk anymore. That wasn't nice!
 
Sometimes It had to take forever to ask him for something. To then mostly do it myself. I'm still driving around without a car radio, which just waits in the car to get connected...for months.

When I wanted to have serious conversations, he simply turned them into something ridiculous.
Whenever he said something mean and I complained, he said that I just didn't understand sarcasm. (I started to hate sarcasm )

I told him in the beginning I didn't want a TV in the bedroom. What does he do? He assembled a television in the Bedroom. And he didn't want to do anything else with myself in the evening other than watching TV and have sex. For the first few months we didn't have a TV at all!

He said in the summer of 2023 that he would get a divorce if I didn't sleep next to him without a shirt on (oh if he only would have done it)! But I didn't do that, so there was silence and inaccessibility. I was starting to feel very trapped, in a terrible marriage but with no way out because of the young baby! I was somehow so afraid.

When the baby turned one, I let him sleep in the family bed because it was good for him and me too. I no longer had to get up more often every night. My Husband didn't like that and there were some discussions. So he moved to the lower floor. I didn't mind. He told my parents that he had to sleep in the cellar because of me . This house has no cellar at all. There was his big Couch and a big TV...a living Room.
I felt more and more drained and drained and was glad to have some peace and quiet from his madness. I now felt like a pure object, I felt so trapped but I was afraid to draw a line in the sand. I no longer knew who or what this person was!

 I gave him so many chances throughout the last year, hoping for improvement! Too many!
Without children and a marriage contract, I would have pulled the ripcord months ago, as I usually did. But now there was also this fear.

But the next incident meant that I never wanted to be intimate with him again and saw really no chance for us as a married couple. In the middle of sexual foreplay, he suddenly stood up and walked away in a huff when I insisted on a condom! I finally had enough. I began to blame myself for putting up with all this for so long! I could never really say no, I often didn't know what I really wanted, and I always tried to go along with it somehow...(to please?). Also because of the "perfect" family picture..ha ha. I had been tired of it for so long and the desire for sex was long gone. The baby shouldn't grow up in a family like that! I even had thoughts that I wanted my husband to just die! I didn't know myself like that!!
I do not wish him death!

I got a fright. OMG. What have i done? I deeply regretted ever meeting him and trusting him. Regretted all interactions with him, except our son!

When there was no more sex because I didn't want to have sex anymore, that was in December ( I was already secretly thinking about how I could end this marriage) , he started insulting me. I'm frigid and sexually disturbed, and without pressure nothing works for me anyway. He said that often, even when we had sex more often, but now he insulted me for almost a week! But my strength and energy came back after stopping to have sex with him!
I demanded divorce. Which he didn't really want to accept. It was the first time I heard an apology from him.
But he didn't really know why. "If we both just work on ourselves, then it could work again," he said. "He doesn't really know what he did wrong!" That scared me. I replied that I didn't need to change anything about myself and that never again really meant never again.

He never showed any real remorse! It seemed to me that he was totally unable to reflect on himself. In January 2024 I finally "separated" from him. As a husband, I can't throw him out.

Since I started talking about divorce and he realized that I was serious, he has been friendly, nice and helpful! Just as he always appears to the outside world.  Maybe he thinks he can still get me!? But I don't want a relationship like that. Never ever again!
It's terrible enough that I put up with his meanness for so long!! Now he's looking for an apartment, he says. He is also happy every time he visits an apartment. But we still have to clarify everything regarding contact rights for the child.
He change his mind like underpants!
I'm trying to get an amicable divorce because I'm afraid that otherwise he'll want to take revenge in some way if he had to pay for me, and lawyers also cost a lot of money. And I do not want to destroy him. He will pay for the kid, for sure.
He would definitely deny everything or put it in another light, although he is not that clever.
He is already denying that he insulted me like that at the beginning of Jannuary. Finally he claimed that maybe I am depressed...i just laughed about it. He never said that again. He won't really let that all go. Now he seems sad about it, said that it wasn't all that bad, that we also had good times and that there are bigger problems in relationships.

Hopefully he'll actually move out soon and we can somehow come to an agreement about the toddler, even if I then have to cover all the costs myself and can't really work because this very young boy still needs me a lot. But it's my apartment, so He has to go. I hope thats the Best decision!?
I can be very diplomatic, I treat him like I would treat an acquaintance - what else should i do!?
He shouldn't notice anything inside me. I hope we find good solutions. All I care about is the well-being of our child. Somehow i feel sorry for my husband too.

I hope that I can truly heal, forgive myself for letting such a man in my life and marrying such a man and allowing and tolerate such a behaviour for so long, and maybe one day be able to have a respectful, love-based relationship. At some point...in this life.

Recently...i found love inside my heart. I will not search love outside anymore!
When it happens- it will happen. It needs time to get to know a Person!
Maybe this saying should be my first tattoo. On the forhead. To be mirrored every day.


I only have one friend who sees all of this as abuse and would no longer let this man into the house. Everyone else I talked to doesn't necessarily see it as such an abuse.
I am somehow amazed.

With my mother, I realize that I'm the bad one. Always. I'm destroying the family! But that's mother, so whatever. She doesn't know all the details. She will overcome it. I've often wondered how my father has put up with her all these years. But i love her too...for giving me life...she is what she is.
 Last sunday she wanted to invite us to dinner. But only if all three of us come. Or none at all. Well, then no one at all. She doesn't understand. It is like it is.


Thanks for giving a space to share!
Thank you dearfully for taking your precious time!



Google helped me with the Translation

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome! I am thankful you have found this supportive community, and yet so sorry you are going through such a painful separation and divorce.

There is something empowering about having a young child to protect that gives us the gumption to begin to build boundaries and healthy limits in response to the toxic and damaging behaviors of loved ones. You seem to be growing stronger through all of it. 

As you settle in here, make good use of the forum resources at the drop down menus above and in the book reviews and other online resources posted by other members.

We have a board dedicated to those who are separating and divorcing found here: Separating and Divorcing

Others who are in different places on a similar journey are there to offer support, insights, answer questions, and provide a listing ear as you make your way forward.

Keep coming back and sharing as you are able. It really helps to lighten the heavy load you are carrying right now when we connect with others who truly do get how hard all of this is.

[notrightinthehead]

Gosh!

I am so glad to read you are getting out of this relationship! And that you have decided to work on yourself in order to prevent falling for an unhealthy relationship in future.
For now, your and your child's mental health should be your priority.
Do you have a support system in real life? Therapist? Counselor? Self help group like CoDA?

You have found a good and helpful place here, and I am glad you found us! See you around on the boards.

[Isadora35]

Thank you for your kind words!  I'll take a closer look here. I'm currently reading Simon K.'s book "Disturbed Characters". Exactly, the mental health of my child and me is the most important thing right now! I don't have a support system but will look for support groups! Thank you!

[Rebel13]

Hi Isadora, I am so sorry you are struggling with all of this.  It sounds like you are on a good path of setting boundaries and taking care of yourself and your baby.

I wanted to tell you that I have been visiting the site chumplady.com for a long time. It states that it is a site for people who have experienced infidelity, but so many of the stories there sound just like yours! I think really that cheating is just one kind of bad behavior that disordered people engage in, alongside the others that you describe from your husband -- blameshifting, criticism, silent treatment, verbal abuse, etc. And then when the partner imposes consequences or boundaries, as you have done, all of a sudden these people shift their behavior. At the chumplady site, they describe these people as having three channels -- rage, charm, and self-pity.  It seems like your husband did a lot of raging and self pitying until you said NO MORE, and then suddenly he was all charming!  People also call that behavior "love bombing" or "hoovering" with the intent of sucking you back into the relationship.

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone because I have read many stories like yours on the other site. I wish you good luck in coping with all that you are struggling with and perhaps the chumplady site could give you an additional source of community even though you don't mention having gone through infidelity.

[Defiantdaughter1]

Hello, I hate that you have been living like this. Of course, he thinks you're the problem, rather than himself. Some people think abuse is only abuse if it's physical, but there are certainly other forms. I definitely think he has been emotionally abusive. Don't trust him to settle the divorce amicably. Get an attorney. I know it's expensive, but it would be worth the cost. I really hope it all goes in your favor and for your son, too.