Hello. Disabled but Undiagnosed-with-PD Spouse

[MaxedOut]

Hi, everyone,

I am so glad to have found this site. I am married (no kids) and struggling with figuring/fearing a path forward. My wife (we're both women) has significant mental illness that began emerging at a very young age. When we met she was doing really well after navigating a lot of challenges in her youth. She was in a good career field, well paid, pursuing a masters, and very respectful. She mentioned her mood disorder but the signs at that point were pretty subtle. And even now, I look back and don't see a whole lot in the way of personality disordered behavior.

About a decade ago we bought a house and moved in together. Within a year she had a major manic and mixed episode that lasted many months-some of the scariest, most stressful months of my life. As can happen with severe bipolar manic episodes, she never really recovered and has never found a set of medications to bring back a pre-episode type of baseline.

I think that loss of self, and the subsequent struggles to hold jobs, increasing anxiety, increasing social phobias, and ongoing issues with cognitive distortions set the perfect stage for shame and borderline type traits to emerge and grow. From stories, I am fairly sure she had borderline type challenges when younger. She has about 10 of the 12 BPD traits and pretty severe Bipolar I or schizoaffective disorder with rapid cycling.

Her life and our life together are hardly recognizable from those early years. The mixture of personality and mood disorders mean she has few remaining relationships. She has chronic pain issues now that are fairly debilitating. Fear of driving and being seen publicly have resulted in her largely living as a shut-in. She is miserable, often struggles with suicidal thoughts/drives, and has just been on a downward trend of suffering.

This makes looking out for myself something I have neglected. Unfortunately, she has gone from someone who never really did anything towards me that felt abusive those first few years, into someone showing a long list of behaviors from the 100 behavior lists on this website.

And I have been half the equation in letting increasingly abusive behavior become normal, which is still hard to wrap my head around (and has become my own area of shame). I have read and applied techniques from a long list of resources on relationships with those with bipolar, those with borderline, those with high-conflict communications, etc. coming Out of the FOG is making me realize that throughout I have assumed a lot of things (e.g., that we both think mutuality is important).

She is thoughtful and kind and tender hearted a lot still, but self-involved in her conditions, very anger prone, and defaults to controlling behaviors frequently. I'm starting to really see that although we still laugh and enjoy interests, the level of situations management to make that happen is huge and the frequency of not-at-all-enjoyable time is really high. I've started writing down the more abusive and extreme stuff and realized it looks much more like cycles of abuse then what I have told myself for years (medication changes, mood change issues, triggering stuff).

I grew up in a loving, non-PD household with two amazing parents. I definitely am not living out any sort of dynamic I grew up with but some roles I have had before probably had me overlooking things. Had there not been the context of major mood disorder crises and other health stuff I am pretty sure the story would have played out much differently.

Similar to many here, I (and our pets) have developed hyper-vigilance, always on edge for signs of anger. There are so many things that upset her, I feel like conversations and dealing with the world are minefields oftentimes. Since I am one of the last relationships standing for her, I am the one who hears daily dumps of negative emotion, pain she deals with, etc. And I feel obligated to be home almost all of the time.

Perceived "attacks" from my friends and family have led to extreme reactions, black and white splitting, pretty bad verbal and emotional abuse towards me, and increasing isolation for us both. This has been super hard as I tend to have really long lasting friendships and low-conflict relationships. And the inciting incidents are mostly just normal stuff between people (e.g., a question that may have some ableist bias to it) but it morphs into more extreme words, tones that weren't there, intent that would be out of character, then back revising histories of slights that don't really have any specifics. And that I have failed to stand up for her, put the other person first, etc. for anything other than full throated agreement that x person is a horrible, malicious psychopath who has been attacking her (and that times I have talked with those people about the harm were clearly not done right).

I always noticed that the perceived subtext and judgement she accused others of was very close to her deepest self-recriminations and shame triggers projected on another. As the FOG is lifting I see patterns in who gets split on. It is the more threatening relationships (closer relationships, ones where I am a funny, free me and show a shared history/vibe, people who might tell me I should think about my relationship). I don't think it is conscious on her part, but it is helpful insight to me. And it has set the stage where I have been incredibly careful about not saying anything other than positive stuff about her to others, been secretive about the problems and abusive behaviors, etc.

I do a lot of caretaking, the housekeeping, work full-time, manage finances and other stuff like that. She exhibits many of the 100 traits on this site with the most frequent being angry outbursts, telling me what I think/believe, negating what I say about my own experience, name calling, criticizing, accusations, physical anger outbursts (slamming doors, kicking/breaking things, etc.), ordering me around (often coupled with extreme impatience), splitting type black and white perceptions (I'm the best until an hour later and I am monstrous), guilting statements and threats.

I have gotten to the point where I don't really have hope for her changing, or that improvements for her physical/mental health might just be around the corner and will make a difference. And I am feeling very worn down, and at a breaking point. My physical and mental health have suffered a lot.

But... her level of dependence on me is huge and I have a hard time conceiving of leaving. Adding on to that the likely reaction to "abandonment" and my fear of her anger, and I feel stuck. I still have a lot of love and care for her. And I am increasingly aware of just how much of my life, happiness, and love I am losing. In anger she has in increasingly mentioned divorce so I know there is some understanding things aren't good. But she also has mentioned many a time she can't leave due to dependence on me.

I have a therapist and am trying to basically work Out of the FOG and on parallel tracks of changing how I behave in order to meet my needs better (51% and boundaries) while also doing background prep stuff in case that assertiveness blows things up or I get to the point of a planned leave.

[notrightinthehead]

Maxedout, you are so amongst brothers/sisters here! We understand!

What stands out in your post for me - your wife was fine, fully functional and then you bought a house and moved in together. And everything changed.

Also, it seems that you feel trapped because of your wife's disability. But of course you know that disability is no free pass to treat others badly.

[MaxedOut]

Yes and yes. In coming Out of the FOG, I have been re-exploring my narrative of how things played out and that the mental health crisis was central but creating space for the storyline more common of abusive relationships where emergence of controlling behaviors comes when people hit milestones of being "in it" like living together and getting married. And, also reminding myself that it doesn't really matter what happened, I have invested so many, many, many hours trying to understand what is going on with her, while neglecting what is going on with me.

And yes, there is no excuse for the treatment. And it's becoming clearer to me that control is monumentally important to her. I would not be "abandoning my disabled wife" - she has had plenty of chances to hear me, respect my feelings, and I readily support and do stuff when asked kindly. I am the type to feel a lot of compassion and duty and my wife has definitely worked a lot of messages into my brain about that too. I have also been stuck on guilt knowing much would fall to her sibling (the other key relationship) if I leave and I care a lot about that person as well. But I have been reminding myself that being one of the last people who hasn't been discarded or backed away due to her PD behaviors is not something adding additional obligation to me. It just means things get worse for me. And will likely continue to get worse.

Suicide is a very real concern, one she brings up as well "if I ever lost you..." "if you ever leave me..." This is, of course emotionally abusive, for her to do. But me being here hasn't prevented attempts (most recently a couple of weeks ago). And ultimately, I am not responsible for her actions. I will be crushed, but I am coming to terms with this in therapy and will try to come up with a good safety plan for her if I leave.

[square]

Hey there MaxedOut,

I'm sorry to hear of the struggles you are facing. Our stories are quite similar.

I think my husband has some latent PD traits, but in his younger years they rarely came out. Maybe you could call it "fleas." He has a lot of insight and is motivated to be a better person than either of his crappy parents.

But he also apparently has schizophrenia, schizoaffective, or bipolar. I now see symptoms stretched back to childhood, but he was really okay in his 20s. He was a lovely man with hopes and dreams for his life.

In his 30s, he started falling apart bit by bit. By 40, he'd had the onset/breakthrough episode of whatever disease he has. His life is now in ruins, and it obviously has taken our family down with it.

Like you, I don't come from a PD family. I'm not living out my childhood trauma. I just married someone who was doing well with their latent illness until it progressed.

I came here because the behaviors seemed like BPD to me, but it was never a perfect fit. I currently see the situation as being schizo(phrenia/affective) or maybe bipolar, that manifests PPD traits (paranoid pd). But I don't really know. I relate to enough that I'm here but also there's differences.

Anyway, just wanted to share that story. I hope you find the support you need here. It's been a lifeline for me, no exaggeration.

[_firewalker_]

Hi MaxedOut,

Thank you for joining and telling your story. You sound highly educated about these issues, both PD and the other illnesses like Bipolar.

The analogy that comes to mind when reading your story is the "boiling of the frog." I remember a similar experience with my uPDw, that the abusive behaviors revealed themselves slowly over time, bit by bit, to where you don't even realize you are being abused until you wake up one day and are like "wow how did this happen and I didn't see it?" For me it took a friend saying to me, "you are in an abusive relationship" to open my eyes to it.

I am 100% aware that PDs don't listen to our demands, boundaries and ultimatums, but one suggestion that comes to mind for you is the following: If she is so dependent on you, and so fearful of you leaving, can you set-up some boundaries of what you will and won't tolerate? E.g.: "If you yell and kick and slam doors, I am going to leave the house until you calm down." It's important to remember that boundaries are not about controlling the other person, they are about what we will tolerate. So in other words, it's not trying to stop her from kicking, but IF she kicks, you will leave.

I'm sure you will get lots of other advice and similar experiences from this community. Thanks again for joining.

Firewalker

[MaxedOut]

Hey there MaxedOut,

I'm sorry to hear of the struggles you are facing. Our stories are quite similar.

Wow, they are so similar, square. Thank you for sharing your experience.

My wife was perhaps more affected in her 20s; there was definitely stuff that was apparent and a couple of blowouts she had with others.  And issues with communication, having needs met, etc. but I thought about them as stuff we'd work on, not realizing the extent of limitations. And I had not had verbal abuse pointed my way or seen any physical outbursts. There were previews though like jealousy, emotional shut downs, and very earl on I noticed the self-esteem, negative self regard. I remember that being a reason I was debating whether to pursue a relationship. I did later find out she had assaulted a couple of school authorities in her youth. But it seems we met during some of her most functional years.

[MaxedOut]

"If you yell and kick and slam doors, I am going to leave the house until you calm down." It's important to remember that boundaries are not about controlling the other person, they are about what we will tolerate. So in other words, it's not trying to stop her from kicking, but IF she kicks, you will leave.

Yes to this. I have been inconsistent, but need to tighten responses and follow-through. I have stated things typically along that line, and sometimes properly hit "if x, then I will y." Where I tend to get squishy is related to her pain management and mobility.

[square]

If I understand you correctly, you are having trouble maintaining your boundaries (for being treated in a non abusive manner) when your wife needs help related to her disability and/or pain.

My suggestion is for you to start inside yourself, fixing it firmly in your mind that you have every right to not tolerate abusive behavior even when your wife needs help.

In your mind, you are in a defensive position where you are unsure if you owe tolerance due to her pain, her disability, your marriage vows, your obligation, anything else that might be involved.

Now, in your mind, put her in the hot seat instead.

If her pain is that much of a priority to her, then surely she would choose to treat her caregiver in a manner conducive to getting her pain needs met?

If her mobility is so urgent right now, why is she wasting her energy and your energy on something else (abusive behavior)? She could politely request help if she really needs it.

She is thinking about what you owe her, and not at all about what she owes you. What gets difficult with people with distorted thinking is that the fact they believe so hard that they are correct confuses the rest of us.

Just because she is certain that you owe her this and that and she has every right to treat you the way she does, doesn't make it so. So your task is to get it certain in your own mind. You KNOW that she needs to treat you politely, even if her certainty is confusing you.

She may not see it your way, and that's okay. Prepare your mind accordingly. You're not going to convince her. That's fine.

If she needs your help, she can damn well treat you in a reasonable way. As she screams that she is in pain, you can remind her that if the pain is a priority, she can stop (name calling, blaming, shouting, whatever), and you'll be there to help if the pain actually becomes the top priority rather than the (name calling etc).

[MaxedOut]

Square, you just sequenced together bits and pieces of my thinking so well. Thank you. I'm going to take the great response tip you gave and use it or something similar.

And, yea, on the believing they are correct *and* that issues begin and end within their framing/worldview. I have been getting better about not responding from within that paradigm/pretense of things.

On a related note, the explanation of Reality 1 and Reality 2 in Patricia Evans' books on verbal abuse really helped me see I had a lot of flawed assumptions about where we both come from when it comes to relating to loved ones (oversimplified summary: we may come from a default position of mutuality, seeking understanding and win-win or compromise etc. in close relationships versus those who abuse coming from orientations for control and winning). So much confusing stuff makes a lot more sense when thinking that it is not just that she "can't help it when emotionally flooded" thing and instead a core belief/wiring.

Two examples: If she is in conflict with someone and splitting them black but also tremendously hurt because she thinks they don't care, were her friend, judge her, hate her, etc. me gently saying that I don't think that person hates her or I know that they care is taken as an ATTACK from me, aiding and siding with them, invalidating her, etc. To me, if I were feeling that way or worried about that, please anybody reassure me that person doesn't hate me. Second example, she was listening to a YouTube video on being assertive rather than aggressive in communications. I think this may have been spurred by recent conflict with a sibling. I had just gotten up and hear this video, that seemed pretty spot on about the downsides of aggression and the upsides or being assertive. She was totally amped up agreeing loudly with the statements on aggression - as in "yes, that is exactly what I want and how I want the other person to feel" and irritated by the description of benefits of assertiveness. She commented on it later in a sort of "I'd like to be more assertive" way but it sounded like from a lens of "I think that is stupid and an irritating way to communicate, but might help me get my way better." Just a really stark wake-up call about Reality I and Reality II.

[MaxedOut]

Firewalker, you are so right on the boiling frog. I don't know what mix of illness versus abuser patterns has all resulted in where we are at, but it feels like I live on another planet from everyone I know - in addition to the slow normalizations of more and more abusive behaviors.

There are OCD/anxiety checks and issues, social anxiety, distorted perceptions of others, countless trigger-y things to avoid, mood changes, pain management and effects, tight environment requirements... No cracks in the curtains where someone might see in, lights off the past few months due to migraines, huge issues around food, paranoia about vehicle tires, huge driving anxiety and fears of going over or under bridges, few TV shows and activities that are tolerable, lots of pet safety related fears/behaviors (but little concern related to their wellbeing with her outbursts), cyclical conversations and reassurance needs, problematic self-soothing behaviors and poor impulse control...

It is exhausting and just so far removed from typical life. It is so consuming for her and for me.

[Defiantdaughter1]

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Based on what your other post detailed, I think counseling, as a couple and individually, for both of you might help. She definitely sounds like she has mental illness. Sometimes major life events, even if those situations are good things, it can stress a person out. I don't know why. I can understand how bad events would stress a person, but good things, such a buying a house, can be stressors. I think her mental state makes her physical problems worse. Those conditions are probably aggravated by her mental illnesses.

I'm very sensitive to verbal abuse because I grew up with it for 22 years. I don't tolerate it now. Harsh tones or short answers can upset me. Verbal abuse is very hurtful and traumatizing. She needs to stop taking her anger out on you. It's very upsetting to a person when physical ailments prevent them from working. She probably feels powerless and inferior, so she tries to assert herself and run the house because she feels like she's lost all control.