Long Intro & Asking Advice

[Brick.in.the.Wall]

I'm 29, the youngest of 3. My mother is a narcissist, my father became a drug addict early on in my life largely due to try to cope with her and his own childhood abuse. She deliberately led me to believe he was the cause of our family's dysfunction & abuse, and her role was nothing short of a savior. She disagrees with my C-PTSD and OCD diagnosis and claims I'm making it up for attention.

I was a very quiet, shy kid. I didn't party, drink, smoke cigarettes or do any drugs. I didn't date but 3 people or sleep around. My goal was to save as much as I could, get myself to community college, and move out.

I was 15 years old when a close family friend "X", 24 at the time, came to live with us to get sober from heroin. He inevitably joined my father in his blatant cocaine habit and business. He lived with us for 2 days before he first raped me, eventually turning into a sexually abusive relationship until I turned 18, and a lifelong trauma bond I'm still struggling to break. "If you do this for me, I'll protect you from them." My mother allowed it, tells me it never happened and I must have dreamt it, but if it did happen then I obviously asked for it. Unfortunately he wasn't my only rapist.

She stole every dollar I ever made, savings bonds, birthday money, social security I received for being a minor when my father filed for disability, my college fund, but blamed me for her never having enough money to pay rent.

Early into 2020 isolation "X" reached out to me after almost 10 years of No Contact. He apologized, tried to explain himself, said he's been sober for however long and has 2 kids now. He thanked me for saving his life so many times and that he was truly in love with me. Eventually he propositioned me for sex to help him through a dry spell in his marriage after his wife just had a baby a month prior. Tried to flatter me by confessing he still has lewd photographs of me as a child. I filed a police report against him the same day and was educated that my mother could also be charged with child endangerment among other things.

Not long after I had a mental breakdown, took leave from work, and finally started therapy to learn how to cope with my childhood. Some time in August, my husband and I found out we're expecting our first baby. I started having these foggy and incomplete nightmares of my mother sexually abusing me as a very young child. Unfortunately I was able to corroborate details with my sister and confirmed they weren't nightmares, but flashbacks. I haven't seen or spoken to my mother since then. She's been avoiding me all the same, but talks to my siblings about how awful I'm being towards her for no reason, how much she misses me, and how unfair it is that her youngest daughter won't share her pregnancy after "everything she's done for me." Mind you, I haven't received a single message or phone call from her in 7 months. Not that I'm complaining.

The no contact part has been easy. The hard part was running into her at my nephews birthday party last week. The second I heard her voice at the door my heart stopped and I was instantly nauseous. She came up behind me and hugged me. Told me to stand up so she could see my belly. She touched it and my skin crawled. I just held eye contact with my sister silently until the interaction was over. I couldn't breathe.

My question: How have you been able to handle unexpected run-ins with your NC person? Tips? Advice?

Thank you for reading this, I know it's long but I felt at least these details were necessary for context.

[Hilltop]

Did you know she was going to the party?  Did your sibling give you a heads up that she would be there? 

I haven't had to deal with this yet however can only imagine how horrible it would be.  It sounded like you froze in the moment.  There are detachment exercises you can do to protect yourself when you are around people like your NM.  It may help to think of some phrases you are comfortable with so you can minimise contact even at a party or to stop her touching you.  Say them over and over until they are ingrained in you and when you are faced with her you don't need to think of something to say, it will be there.

I'm so sorry it sounds absolutely horrible, I hope you are feeling better.

If your sibling didn't warn you that your mother would be there, how do you feel about that, would you consider NC with siblings as well?

[Thru the Rain]

Definitely start asking in advance if your NM will be in attendance at future events. Then you can either decline to attend or be prepared with a plan.

Here is my own plan for dealing with the difficult people I may run into at family events:

- ALWAYS have your own transportation or be ready to call an Uber. Make sure you can get up and leave any situation without a big production.

- At family events, does your M "own" the kitchen? If so, stay away from the kitchen. Does she like to hold court on the back patio - let her have it, while you stay in the living room or front porch. Just plain physical avoidance.

- This one can be a little harder, but don't sit down. This makes it harder for anyone to corner you the way your M did.

- Arrive late and leave early. Or arrive very early to have a moment with the nephew or other guest of honor, and then leave before your M arrives.

- Give yourself permission to take a walk, get a breath of fresh air, go to sit in the car for awhile. You don't need to give anyone an excuse for this - you're not a child.

- Arrange in advance to have supportive people around you who will help deflect your M. They can engage her in conversation, or can monopolize your attention without leaving her with an opening. Think of your chattiest relative - and if your M can't stand that person, all the better to keep her at a distance.

You can lean on the "I'm the pregnant one here!" Someone demands you stand up?? The answer is no. Someone wants to touch your belly?? (I Never understood this!) The answer is no.

You may want to read up on Gray Rock and Medium Chill. Practice some of the techniques in advance so you'll be ready if you unexpectedly run into your M in the future.

[TwentyTwenty]

Personally, I have a 100% foolproof solution for myself. I never ever have to worry at all about being caught in your situation.

It goes like this:

If I were willing to accept even a chance of an interaction that damages me psychologically, then I would continue to attend and visit events and people where my attacker may have access to me.

If I were NOT willing to chance a damaging encounter with my attacker, then I would NOT attend any such events.

So, that's what my family has chosen to do, NOT attend any events or people with the chance of cross interactions.

And I've had the most peaceful, joyful and healthy 3 years of my entire life since making that decision 😁

[Amadahy]

Wow, Philli, you have come through so much.  First, good on you for calling the authorities on that perp -- what a piece of work!  I, too, often experience a "freeze" response when faced with my N unexpectedly -- it's honest to goodness fear and nothing to be ashamed of (which adds to the freeze).  Like others have said, either don't go where she might be, or have an exit plan ready.  You owe her nothing.  Nothing. 

Congratulations on your child-coming!  Becoming a mother really brought home to me how bad things were for me, so you might expect some really hard feelings, but really tender ones, too.  Just have lots of support because you deserve it! 

[Hepatica]

Hi Phillii,

I echo Amadahy. You've come through so much. It hurts my heart and I am sending you an abundance of healing energy.

You know, you don't need to be around anyone who might add undo stress to your life, even if they mean well. If you think a person from your past might be at a future event, you don't need to attend. No explanations necessary. You just can't make it.

And as for your mother, disregard her words. She has no background to tell you what you went through and no expertise in CPTSD to tell you, you don't have it. She has revealed herself on numerous occasions in numerous ways that she is a dangerous person. I'm sorry. That's a really tough thing to accept. Many, if not most of us here have experienced this kind of betrayal. It hurts a lot.

It is okay (and I see you are doing this, so that's great) to cut ties with anyone who tries to make you doubt your own experiences and your own mind. It is also ok to never see any of these people again because they are not safe people.

What you want to do now is try really hard to focus on healing the hypervigilance that comes from traumatic experiences. You have saved yourself by getting away and now it's about peace and calming your nervous system. If you think you might run into your mother, or anyone else that inflames your nervous system, you really don't need to attend the event. It took me a long time to realize this. We are so used to taking care of other people's feelings. But healing really is the time to become the Mama Bear to your own soul. Protect yourself. You've been through more than anyone should ever have gone through. You don't need one more minute of time around the people that didn't take care of you and actively tried to hurt you.

It is hard though. I worry about funerals as that is when the entire family gathers and just being near them causes me great anxiety and I will have to find the strength when it happens to be fierce in my own self-protection.

It comes down to blocking out what other people think. And if that means blocking a large group of people from being able to contact you, that is okay. I've had to do this for my own mental health and the healing I really want for myself.

The bottom line is, it is absolutely ok and even essential to guard our peace of mind after what we've been through.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I hope you have the support you need to navigate through this.