Losing a friend

[NorthernSoul]

Hello all, I'm new here, and would like to share my experience, and try to find out exactly what had been going on with a former friend, and if she'd been contributing to my mental health relapse. Before I begin, I should point out that I'm single, something which She knew (She being this ex-friend). I should also point out I don't have much experience of the opposite sex, unlike this former friend.

Last summer, I started chatting online with a this woman. We soon found out that she's like me in every single way, pretty much a clone of me. We appeared to share the same likes, dislikes, tastes, have the same values, intelligence, think in the same manner, want the same qualities in partners, and want the same out of life. It was like meeting a more confident and female version of myself, the me before I'd had my breakdown. Or so it seemed.

From what She told me of the unwanted attention she'd had from a few men in her locality,  I've encountered these types before, and I was naturally guarded with this woman (I've never been such a tease with women, I should add). Having read up on NPD these past few weeks, it's clear She was love-bombing me for several months - it fits with others' experience of the idealization phase. Flattery, praise, the works, and it was most intense, like nothing I've previously experienced, and it was glorious! We'd chat for hours every day, typically late into the night, and She took the initiative each time. We'd finish each other's jokes, each other's sentences, and quickly got to what seemed to be a deep understanding of each other, like soulmates. She went on to share certain intimate details of herself (not photos), but I was much more reserved in return - I could see she was trying to bait me, but didn't say anything. She would also turn to me with all her problems, or when she was upset; she told me about her difficult childhood, joked with me how we'd argue if we were couple, and confided in me her hang-ups - she appeared to have completely opened up to me. But she declined meeting up, after I gently asked if we could do.

My mental health relapsed a few months in (depression, and lack of self-confidence). She then said something off-hand which cut me to the bone; I responded by calmly telling her I thought it best we stopped talking, as it reminded me of having being treated badly in my past, and didn't want to be treated like that again. Perhaps I was being over-sensitive, I quickly regretted it, and it started a major argument in which she was the one who was hurt the most, that maybe I didn't understand her after all - she sounded devastated, and lashed out harshly at me. Her reaction shocked me, and if positions were reversed, I'd have apologised for upsetting her, and use our closeness to resolve it, rather than lash out as she did. It appeared as though she'd placed me on a pedestal, only for me to then reject her.

I did the usual thing of admitting I'd got it wrong, I shouldn't have doubted her, apologized, and gave the context as to why I'd reacted as I had - however, when I gave her the context, She lashed out even more, angrily saying she didn't want to hear any excuses that I gave.

We patched things up after this argument - it looks like she'd been stockpiling resentments to throw at me, and that took me by surprise. The intense messaging then resumed as before, but this time She was also openly discussing with me people she was talking with online on dating sites, and was giving me dating advice. Curiously, after we'd resumed talking, I apologized for one of the things which had upset her, but now the answer was that it hadn't - a reversal from what she'd said during her rage. And it was pure rage.

A while later we had another argument, after I deactivated social media - it had been getting me down, but made clear to her I wasn't ghosting her, I was doing it to clear my head. I had found that my depression was deteriorating significantly since the first argument, and felt drained. I got even more rage this time, got accused of playing games, of manipulating her, and I'm still not sure why She again lost her temper, and all the old resentments got flung at me again. Naturally I stood up for myself - as you do in an argument and as I'd expect her to - against the untrue and unfair things she'd said, but that only made matters worse. She seemed to think that because she'd helped me a great deal while we'd been talking, I was throwing it all back in her face when I dared say that I was disappointed and angry with the unfair things she'd said, and that I'd helped her too. For that I got another dose of verbal abuse, and again it was all untrue, though she said it in a cold, calm and dispassionate manner. My internal reaction to reading her brutal words was simply "wow". As I told her before being blocked, I was past caring what she thought any more - it's impossible to reason with hysteria and paranoia like that.

That's how it ended, though after I offered her an olive branch a few weeks later, she at least accepted it in a civil manner with a little warmth, though she could see I was still hurt and disappointed. I'm still blocked by her. She did get to see my low mood (depression) a few times in our conversations, and to her credit she tried to help by raising my spirits. Had I then come dependent on her? I know it's difficult dealing with friends with severe and enduring mental health issues, but I had far more patience and understanding with her frequent crises than she had of my less-frequent ones.

There's a way of resolving differences, but it appears hers is to firstly bark loudly to put people back in their place, and if they still don't comply, she just cuts them out of her life. It's clear She won't allow anybody to criticise her, but had no qualms in criticising things I said or did, or even things I didn't say or do. She also judged me more harshly than she did of herself, ie she's a hypocrite. If she won't allow me to stand up to her, then what's the point of a friendship? She appears to live in a binary world where most people are out to get her, unless they're not (like I wasn't, until she decided otherwise). I could see from what she'd said of her ex that she'd had a whirlwind relationship with him, but also shared with me that she left him because she thought he was manipulating and controlling her. She also confided in me that she thought she was having Narc abuse from her current domestic setting with family (ie not a partner), and was paranoid she herself was a Narc.

What do people think was going on here? It seems evident to me that I was being love-bombed in some way, but She didn't ever say she loved me, nor did we ever meet up, nor did she send any gifts. Perhaps she's not someone with NPD/BPD, but I found I was being worn down. It felt as though I was having energy sucked out of me. It did feel like she wanted to take over my life, how I thought, that she knew best, that I may as well just trust her judgement over mine and let her decide things for me. In other words, wanting to help me, exactly as she did with some of the men she chatted to on dating sites. I must admit that I can be quite like that with people myself, but manage to rein myself in before I go too far. I'm also aware I'm too self-centered, and probably have NPD traits of my own. However, I self-reflect, and actually probably too much. Self-reflection is also something She also did in our conversations together, or appeared to.

I'm still left confused about it all - was most of what She had said just to get me to adore her in some way, just to bolster her ego, rather than being a Narc? Either way, she's highly volatile. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before, and I'm left completely confused as to what happened, and how much I'm to blame for it. It hurts losing a friendship like this, not least because we had plans to collaborate on a few projects. I've found that I'm much more assertive since we stopped talking, and gradually returning to a happier self.

Apologies for the length, and thanks for your time.

[bloomie]

NorthernSoul - Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG. What a journey of complex confusion and swirling emotions this relationship has been for you. If I am understanding this is a fairly recent friendship and and also that you have never met in real life - an online friendship only?

There are so many red flags that you describe here from the get go and honestly given the amount of harm and self doubt this relationship has brought up for you I am thankful you are out of it, but very sorry for the pain and emotional energy this has been.

It might be really helpful to take a look at the Personality Disorders (PD) drop down menu above and read through the information there. The traits section will help you see if there are behaviors that you encountered in this relationship that are familiar and are maladaptive and harmful to you. Putting puzzle pieces together can help us see if someone we have befriended may be showing traits of a person with PD. While we cannot diagnose another, we can get a sense what might be going on and use the strategies in the toolbox to help us.

Sharing your experiences here, asking questions, participating on the forum boards, will also go a long way to supporting you on your healing journey.

There are inherent risks in developing any new relationship, but additional risks if the "knowing" is through messaging only I would think and it seems the relationship developed quickly and intimate details of your life were shared by both of you when in reality you didn't truly know each other. That ups the ante to develop confusion on both sides. I hope you are able to talk things through in person with a therapist who could support you in the details and on a deeper level with all of this.

Again, welcome! Keep coming back and sharing here. It helps with the hurt and grief that can come after a friendship break up like this.

[coyote]

Hey Northensoul,
Just wanted to add my welcome. I really can't add to what Bloomie said. Just wanted you to know I understand the feelings surrounding the surprise emergence of PD like behavior. Have you looked at the Toolbox here? It is full of good information. Thank you for sharing and I look forward to seeing you on the boards.

[NorthernSoul]

Thank you both for your kind words. Yes, it was online only, though we did have plans to meet up sometime in the spring. But then, were those again empty words from her?

Putting the puzzle pieces together is what I'm currently doing, as well as trying to understand myself better, because I've known I have some PD traits, but I didn't manipulate her. Yes, I was too naiive, but I suppose I was dazzled by her attention - whether or not she knew what she was doing during the idealization/seduction phase I can't say, but it was a high-risk strategy on her part. Why would she want to continually tease me if I refused to take the bait as she wanted? What would she gain from it, other than me feeding her ego by worshipping her?

I could see from what she'd said of the types she was attracted to that they were those she perceived as weaker or quieter than her, "projects" she seemed to want to fix. But as I said, she assumes that she'll be able to domineer them indefinitely, and if they show any sign of disagreeing with/criticizing/standing up to her, that's when the rage begins, as I discovered.

She claimed that she had anxiety problems which she was having private therapy for, also had an OCD, but it was the rage which surprised me. From what she'd revealed of her private life it's clear she's had a great deal of experience - and was quite blunt about it - which made me even more careful in my approach. I see signs of HPD, as well as elements of NPD because of her relentless love-bombing, devaluation during her paranoid rages, and eventual discard of me.

She shared far more intimate details and secrets than I did - in retrospect I should've enforced my boundaries to prevent her, but that risked her viewing it as rejection; I could recognise that even back then. I suppose I felt I could help her.

I suppose PDs don't think far enough ahead to where it all comes crashing down - that's one of the things that still doesn't add up. Why did she tell me certain secrets (which as it turns out weren't lies) if there was a risk that I'd eventually learn to stand up to her, which of course she wouldn't tolerate, and then discard me. It's all just so sad, and a waste.

I already use out-patient MH services, but have since been referred to a therapist, and my recovery from this will no doubt be discussed.

I'm taking a look through all the resources here. Thanks for your help.