Are you always the friend who reaches out first

[bloomie]

She sent a Christmas card with her phone number in big bold numbers.     

This seems like a type of dance with this person that is confusing and bringing unneeded drama and angst into your life. How wise to not respond to the provocation.

[lkdrymom]

Had to tell you what my friend did! Keep in mind that  I've known her since 7th grade. I've had her landline phone number since she got married and bought a home in the early 70's.  She sent a Christmas card with her phone number in big bold numbers.     

I called her last time and just texted a week ago...  not appropriate

  Shes lucky I haven't texted her about it, but just not worth it.  A sign to say goodbye.  I've taken quite enough!

She was telling you that she thinks it is your responsibility to keep communications going.  She expects to be 'chased' by you.

I had a coworker that would complain about her adult step daughter not calling enough.  I told her the phone works both ways and she told me it didn't, it was the 'child's' responsibility to call the parent.  Some people have very odd ideas of how things are supposed to work.

[Iamenoughmary]

ikdrymom. They certainly do have very odd ideas about how things work.  I try to understand, but I just can't.  Its a waste of time anymore. Thank You!

[countrygirl]

Hi neverenough mary,

Well, isn't your friend's response classic behavior?   She's noticed you aren't reaching out as much, and she wants to change things back to how they used to be, by turning the tables:  Suddenly, YOU are the one who hasn't been in touch.  Would this be considered gaslighting?  (It seems that way to me, but more experienced people here can say for sure.)

Wishing you, and everyone here, all the best for 2023!

[Iamenoughmary]

countrygirl,  Yes, I think it is gaslighting!  Shes trying to make me feel like the crazy one.  I watched the old movie gaslight years ago and still watch it if it comes on. Excellent movie! Thank you for your reply. It really is classic behavior like you said! 

LOL, neverenough mary had had enough!  I know I said I was done, but it kept getting to me. I made my last attempt and was very kind about it.  Shes on facebook all the time on my daughters page, yet wont text.  She told me she doesn't know how to text and isn't good at it.    LOL!    I simply said it's easy just like commenting on facebook.  Her reply "sorry"   

  Shes choosing not to...that's the bottom line!!

So its obvious she wont text, wont be involved in keeping a friendship alive. To say you don't do texts good..... WHAT??

Sooooo now I'm done!   I find as I age I do not want to keep my feelings bottled up.  There's a saying "speak even if your voice shakes" To sit and think and be annoyed isn't for me anymore.  We all deserve validation and answers.   When we've given our all, then there must be closure

The new year for me will be about finding my voice. This is a start. I feel very relieved now

[countrygirl]

Hi neverenoughmary,

I think it's great that you plan on finding your voice.  I have been working on this too.  If you can't speak your truth to someone they aren't really your friend anyway.

So weird about the texting.  This woman is just too much work, and wants everything her way.   Life is too short.  (Note that I say this, but I still have issues with my PD friends.  Managed to separate myself from the very worst one, though, and this board really helped with that.)

[Iamenoughmary]

Thank you countrygirl,  It's so true, if we can't be upfront and honest its not really a friendship. Thank's for your replies and help!

[countrygirl]

Well, neverenoughmary, as I've said before, although I can sometimes find something beneficial to say (or at least try to!), I never want to imply that I have it all figured out in my life--as you can tell from my posts here!  In some ways, I can be very emotionally thick, at least when it comes to doing what would be good for me...  At least I did break free of a malignant narcissist.  I feel very good about that.  I did find it sad that the friendship couldn't continue, but once I saw that she was NEVER going to change, I had to end it. 

At one point, I realized that she was even thinking of moving to my hometown, where I plan to move in a few years.  The thought of never being free of her really shook me up, and I realized I HAD to withdraw, or I'd never have any peace. 

Sometimes, not always--or not usually, really--people do change.  It is always possible that your friend will come to her senses and will realize that she has to reach out to you.  If she values you as she should, this is what will happen.  But since we can't know what will happen with her, we can focus on what has happened with you:  You are finding your voice!  I am working on this too, on not always giving in to an unreasonable person for the sake of the friendship.  I move at a glacial pace...

[Iamenoughmary]

countrygirl, I'm so glad you broke free of the N. It's hard to do but you did it!!     That's a giant step!!  I'm also glad you stepped back from that friend. One sided friendships  are hurtful. You have done the right thing!  Some will never make an effort to change.  You have to do what makes you happy. I think we reach the point where it doesn't matter as much.

So very true, people do change. I'm seeing that now with this friend.  She did text a Happy New Year to me. A week later I called her, but wished I hadn't   It was so odd. I felt we had nothing in common anymore and she was in a rush. I could just sense it!  It was a 15 minute chat.

We were always opposite personalities. Age has made it more so. 

  I know we are all different, and I accept it.  She only texted because I was honest and ask her why it was so hard for her to do.  It will be just a 'now and then' text or card.  Since it felt so strange, I do think its run its course as far as being best pals. Life changes, and we move on

Thank you for your great replies. It helps me so much
  Blessings in this New Year

[Iamenoughmary]

Relationships are difficult.  I think I like being an introvert now. My circle and world can be small. It's OK!! Children, Husband, Friends here on the forum. What more do I need.  Awaiting beautiful Springtime and renewal of life in the trees and flowers and the birth of wildlife. I realized what truly matters.......

[countrygirl]

Hi neverenoughmary,

Yes, and relationships with PDs are particularly difficult.  You know,  I have a feeling that our PDs are not spending as much time trying to figure us out as we are trying to figure them out.  What an understatement!   

I read your earlier post about your friend, and I think your analysis is correct:  You have changed and moved on. 

It's great that you have your children, husband and your friends on the board.  I also think you will certainly be able to make new friends, should you choose to do so.  You never know when you're going to meet someone who is both interesting and caring. 

[Iamenoughmary]

Thank you countrygirl.  That's so true.....our PDS are not trying to figure us out. I don't think they give it a thought!  It took me a long time to let that sink in. They are not sitting around thinking of me or you..... once I got it, I stopped thinking about them.  I am the only introvert among my family or any friends I ever had.   

I stated that wrong about family being on the board.  It does look like I meant they were on the forum. Sorry about that.  I delete my history every time so they cant see..lol!  I'm open and honest and grateful for this forum and all of you. My family live in a rose colored glasses world, esp my husbands side.  I keep everything here secret. 

Have a good day! Blessings

[countrygirl]

Hi neverenoughmary!

You know, as I read about you being the only introvert in your family and among your friends outside of the board, I thought about how some people probably almost seem to make a point of being extroverted--always on the go, always surrounded by others--so that they won't have to take a long hard look at themselves.  If they did, they might not like what they see...  (Not that all extroverts are this way, of course.  But I think a certain kind of extrovert certainly is:  They can't be alone with themselves for a moment.) As any example, they don't want to contemplate how they might need to be the ones who need to change in order for the relationship to work.  So much easier to blame the usually more reserved introverts in their lives. So much easier to blame someone else, especially when that someone else is a quieter type who doesn't enjoy conflict.   

[Iamenoughmary]

Very well said, countrygirl! The ones I know are exactly like that. They never take a long hard look at themselves! My mom is that way and several on husbands side. Thank you for this. It really is so true!!  They would never think of changing!   

[countrygirl]

Hi neverenoughmary,

I am the first to admit that I can be slow about some things, and one of those was learning that most people are not that self-analytical.   I  think we introverts tend to be that way more; we like to contemplate and think.  And when we are in relationships, we try to figure out what is going on and how things can be improved, when there are problems.  It was quite the revelation to me that so many people do not know what's going on with themselves, nor do they want to know.  I have also noticed that they are sure, nonetheless, that they know what's going on with everyone else.  But then never stop to think about how they've contributed to the issue.

I wish I had all of the time I spent trying to figure out people back!   However, given how I was raised, it's hardly surprising that I tried so hard with difficult people, because that's how both of my parents raised me to deal with them.  Now, I try really hard not to waste so much time; but still find it very beneficial to write about various people here.  It is very validating, and people are very encouraging.  If only I'd had someplace like this when I was young.  I felt so alone and perplexed.   

[Jolie40]

jolie40, I do the same with the cards. I'm not ready either to stop doing that. 

neverenoughmary,
for first time ever, guess what I decided to do?

instead of sending all my Christmas cards out early as I usually do, decided to wait 'til cards came in to send a card in return

I barely received any cards!
apparently, people wait for my card & then send their card

since they didn't get my card first, half the people dropped me!
I've been sending all these people cards for YEARS
they couldn't bother to send one to us w/o getting my card first

[Iamenoughmary]

jolie40,  Same here!  I did not send cards first and got less than 10. I think it was 8.   Sad tho isn't it   Such a changed world....

I'm thinking of changing a lot of things myself in this new year.   People just drain me. I don't understand much anymore about behaviors, just looking for peace and calm

I wrote a new topic about that same friend. It was an eye opener today. I see the light!

Thank you for your reply HUGS

[Iamenoughmary]

countrygirl, Thank you!  Me too! Wouldn't it be great if we could get that time back, the hours and days spent trying to figure people out. I'm sorry you had difficult parents. My mom is very difficult!  You're right they raised us that way.  This forum truly is so validating. The encouragement is amazing!  Grateful for each of you!

You will see my new topic. Today was an eye opener pertaining to that friend.  I'm not a chit chat gal. I think deeply and also analyze a lot. She showed her true colors. I opened up, stupidly thinking shed 'get it'   I truthfully said who I am .

My phone fears are about my introvert self. It's so common among us. I forged on with the phone because it had to be her way. That's over. The day I saw all my issues written out on the numerous introvert websites, I sighed with relief. There I was!!

She seems very shallow

Thank You!  Hugs

[Blueberry Pancakes]

This has been interesting to read. I also wanted to say, yes, I am the first one who reaches out 90% of the time and I am sooo tired of that.

It seems an ironic pattern for an introvert. I have wondered if people don't reach out because I am not "the life of the party" and not interesting enough? I also wonder if I got used to feeling like I had to prove myself to others, used to dismissive behaviors and assuming their lack of interest was my fault. If I just worked hard enough or showed my level of interest in them, I could overcome it. It never did work though.

I then also think about being the family scapegoat. There is an aspect of staying in relationships or situations that do not work because you think the other person's lack of regard is your fault. I do not have answers on any of this, but these are just some thoughts I have wondered about myself.

I do believe overall that there is nothing wrong with you, there never was, and you do not need to be fixed or "just work harder" (my mom used to tell me that). I believe recognizing your own innate goodness, strengths and skills and caring for your peace of mind is key.

[Iamenoughmary]

Blueberry Pancakes, Thank you! I love your input on this!  Yes, I think we are always trying to prove ourselves to others. Also, yes, I agree about being the scapegoat. I have always been the scapegoat.  We always seem to think we were at fault if they are not showing regard.

My mom has made me feel exactly like this. When your mom and mine,  told us to 'work harder' that sent a message that who we are just wasn't good enough. My mom thinks because I am quiet and don't talk about myself like she does.....well, I'm flawed.   I really like what you have said. Its so helpful!

I was born an introvert, but relationships and none of them understanding made it harder.   I am so okay with who I am now.  I speak out to friends, and tho they don't like it.... I speak truth now.  If they're a real friend, they should understand. So far mine haven't and that's okay. My circle is small and I like it that way. Proving ones self constantly is very very tiring! 

I struggled to fit in and be like the rest. I have no desire to do that anymore. 

Thank you so much Love this forum and all of you....