Is This Toxic Behavior?

[Kat54]

A friend of mine and someone who is fairly a new friend. We've dated a little but I'm kind of keeping it as friends as I've been wary of him. He's nice, thoughtful but... as he's puts it, He can be difficult. I think I'm getting a dose of that right now.
My birthday came and he was very nice and took me out to dinner, had a great time. It was actually amazing, we talked forever and laughed a lot. We texted over the weekend and he was going to see his mother and take her to dinner. He's told me that his relationship with her has had some ups and downs. We signed off, I'll talk to you during the week, maybe do dinner at my place.

A couple days go by and I sent him a link to an article that was written about me as I'm an artist and trying to establish myself. It was in a magazine local to our area, nice big picture and a very flattering article. I was very happy and excited to share it with him. All day goes by and no response, nothing. I figure he's probably busy with work.

It starts bugging me and I text him in the evening asking how his day was. Again no response and I'm suddenly worrying if he's ok. He's had some family issues going on with his daughter and ex wife.
I'm a bit of a cyber sleuth and we are both on social media and friends. I can see if he's online. So I happen to be on FB and I see he also is on FB so Ok he's fine.

I'm heading to bed and I text him again, thought of calling but it was pretty late by then and I didn't want to be annoying. Asked if he's ok and I'm calling him tomorrow and said good night.

I share my news with him and I ended up feeling super crappy. Why would someone be mean like that and completely ignore my messages. If you are sick, unhappy, retreating. Just say something. I'm ok, just need some time to myself.
It's not even about my good news anymore it's just shitty ignoring someone. It's also confusing. Did I do something?  Was sharing my news not a good idea? Is he just cranky?

My mother would do that. Not talk to us when we were little for days and days  Emotional abuse.

How should I handle this when he eventually comes around. Which I know he will. And if I call him tonight and he doesn't answer I'll leave a voicemail and not sure what to say. Or not leave a message.

[notrightinthehead]

I can only say that a while ago an article about me was in the local paper and acquaintances and people I didn't know that that well were delighted. They contacted me and congratulated me.  So whatever this is, it's not what I would be doing to someone I liked.

[Starboard Song]

I sent him a link to an article that was written about me as I'm an artist and trying to establish myself. It was in a magazine local to our area, nice big picture and a very flattering article. I was very happy and excited to share it with him.

Did your message express that this was a big deal for you and you were very excited? If so, then it is quite distracted to not reply at all, and quite a bad sign. If not, it's far less a bad sign. We all can mis signals at times, or not know what to say, or whatever.

Either way I think it is a bad sign, but I think it is a NOT EVIL bad sign if you didn't express your excitement. In that case, he could be innocently clueless, rather than mean.

[Kat54]

Starboard song- I was excited, a big deal for me. I sent him a link to the article. It was a feature article. Completely ignored.

As I'm reading your responses, now I'm pretty mad. But I will hear what he has to say and go from there.

[countrygirl]

Hi Kat54,

Of course I can't know why this man hasn't replied, but the first thing that came to mind is that he's jealous of you.  Congratulations on being featured in the article, and on taking your career to the next stage!

Let us know what he says when you hear from him.  I feel that he should have responded soon after reading the article, not to mention responding promptly when you reach out to him.     

[moglow]

I dont know that I'd call it toxic exactly but to me it doesn't speak well of his character. Some people don't have an inherent sense of graciousness, less so if/when their own life is in a challenging place. Not that they wish you ill necessarily but perhaps aren't able to appreciate good for others, if that makes sense. A lack of... Compassion? Empathy?

Would I be mad? Not likely, but it takes a lot to make me angry. I would tend to step back and look overall. He can be difficult - wth does that even mean?? He just throws it out there like that makes it okay? NOT okay. Don't just "I can be difficult," amend your behavior sir!

[Starboard Song]

Congratulations on being featured in the article, and on taking your career to the next stage!

How did we all miss this?!? Yes! Congratulations from us!

[Kat54]

Thank you! The article is huge in getting my art and name out there.

I called and left him a voicemail. I'm not bothering him again. And it does take a lot to get me mad, I'm feeling mad, sad, worried, concerned for his mental health. He does have a tendency to be depressed at times. Or maybe mood swings.

I won't be able to sleep, so that makes me mad, it's keeping me up when I need to sleep. All sorts of things will go through my head.

Then I think of is this his way of severing our friendship. This is also my insecurity in dealing with bad relationships.

And maybe he is jealous? I am not a hugely successful artist. I call it my upcoming retirement job. I sell maybe 5 paintings a year, along with prints and notecards. I'm not rich from it. This was a great opportunity in getting my art and name out there. I post a lot to social media in a drive to get my artwork out to the public. It's starting to pay off. I don't know why he would be jealous.
He has a great job, is very successful, makes way more than I ever will.

[countrygirl]

Hi Kat54,

I have seen that jealousy often doesn't have to do with what the jealous person has; it has to do with what they don't have.  Your friend is not a creative artist.  You are.  The average person doesn't have artistic talent, and when they do, they often don't have the drive and determination to get their work out there.  You do.

I knew someone who was independently wealthy, but who was jealous of others who found something in life which gave them happiness.  For example, she knew a young couple who had a sailboat.  They had both worked very hard, the the husband's job was so demanding that he had trouble relaxing.  Sailing was soothing for both of them.  This independently wealthy person would go on-and-on about what a waste of money the boat was.  I would say,  "They work hard, if they want this, why shouldn't they have it?"  She could have bought and sold them ten times over, or more, and could have bought a small fleet of sailboats.  She wasn't jealous of the boat:  She was jealous of their happiness.  I don't think you can ever rule out jealousy.

Try not to become fixated on him not replying.  I understand how you feel, believe me, but try to get a good night's sleep.  Know that you have done all that you can do in terms of reaching out to him, and now the ball's in his court.  I would step back and let him come forward.   

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I am not sure if a lack of response to this one message is toxic or not, but I think I might consider this as one aspect of a larger picture.   
   
What is the overall gut feeling to you? His statement that he is difficult makes me want to explore that further. Is he doing anything about it, or does he say that to set the expectation from others that they are to accept it because it is just the way he is?

Ideally, I think those close to us share in our joys. It does not have to be a big thing to them, but as long as it is a big thing to us, they support us. It is our accomplishment, not theirs and they do not even have to understand it. They just know it makes us happy, so they support our happiness.

When things work with someone, I believe it is something you feel. There is an ease and flow. It is also mostly consistent and you do not have to go in circles wondering how they are going to react this time or what they are thinking. They do not make you feel bad about your interests or accomplishments no matter how big or small.

[NarcKiddo]

I won't be able to sleep, so that makes me mad, it's keeping me up when I need to sleep. All sorts of things will go through my head.

Then I think of is this his way of severing our friendship. This is also my insecurity in dealing with bad relationships.

Congratulations on the article. That is huge. Good for you.

As for the quoted part of your post, above:

Here is a great opportunity to work on you, if you are so minded. You are mad. You predict you won't be able to sleep. You predict things will go through your head. I realise this was posted a while ago so you may already have done some of this. But maybe try taking a step back and really think about what will go through your head. Is there a good reason for it? Are these fears genuine or are they coming from a trauma place? From an inner child? Is there any way in which you can stop them from being so powerful? Is he worth losing sleep over? You say you wonder if this could be his way of ending the friendship. If that is how he ends a relationship then maybe it's not a relationship that would be good for you in the long run. Maybe he has an explanation. When you hear the explanation (if you do) then you can decide if it is a good enough explanation for you. But in the meantime it does little good to worry over "what ifs". I do it all the time and I know how horrid it feels and how often the things I worry about turn out to be quite benign.

[Kat54]

Narckiddo- Yes I did sleep. I took a step back and thought about it and certainly many fears are trauma related from my past. But also this was something important to me and he does know that.

He's an adult and this is what he chooses to do. My impression is he's damaging our friendship because he did this once before. We were planning on spending some time together, I think golfing and he went silent for about a week. No responses to my texts. We had just met so it was very casual and I went about my days. It was concerning to me but just thought maybe he's ghosting me and moving on. That happens with online dating.

I don't think he's looking to sever a friendship, but you don't do this to a friend. I certainly would not.
My impression is it's selfish. And poor communication.  My reservations about him continue so when he resurfaces he will know that I'm taking a step away from him for a bit. Which will clearly be communicated.

[Kat54]

He resurfaced. Texted me and apologized for staying silent. He was going through some difficult things.
He doesn't want to talk about it.

Told him only through a brief text I had been worried a little but we should talk.

He can't go silent for several days, not return calls and then say he doesn't want to talk about it.  That's not healthy and bad communication.

[moglow]

Some people withdraw and lick their wounds when times are tough. Depending on where you are in this relationship, he may have felt he had no right to dump it on you. But this going silent for several days and not responding to anything, not even a token "hey glad to see your good news!"? That may well and truly be who he is. And welcome to it, pal. You can decide you want no part of that silliness.

[Kat54]

My old ways bad relationship ways, yes I would stick with it.

But now, with my eyes wide open I don't think so. This is silliness, and as he is a 61 year old adult and 6 months into this relationship this should not be. But maybe he did not feel like he should dump this on me. So I'll see what he says. But then Again he doesn't want to talk about it.

The very very least he can tell me he's going through some things and he will talk to me this week or something.
And yes, acknowledge my news.

[notrightinthehead]

I am sorry, but really? Would you do that to a friend, or even just an acquaintance? They had some positive event in their life, tell you about it, and you just go dark? Silent? Not even a "Congrats" or a "well done" ? Would you really do this? Or would you just acknowledge their good news and then say "I am not in a good space right now, will call when I am free." Is that the kind of person you want in your life?

[Catothecat]

He "doesn't want to talk about it" probably because he has nothing to say.  Leave him with the ball in his court and see what he comes up with, if anything.  Most likely he is just buying time for you to "get over" it and will never actually tell you anything.  Remember, this isn't the first time he's done it.  To me, it indicates an immaturity and inability to deal with his baseline jealousy when good things happen to others and not to him. 

From my experiences with such people (if he IS such a person) this is who they are and they don't see anything wrong with it.  Not that you shouldn't explain how you feel because it seems your relationship with him is past the point where you would just rather let it go (as you might with a more casual relationship) but I wouldn't have any expectation that it will do much good. 

[Kat54]

He briefly texted me. But again went dark over the weekend so I asked if we can have a conversation. Stupidly since he started communicating again I invited him for dinner and he never responded.

So called him out on that and said to please answer his phone when I call him later after work. In a text I just said I was very hurt and confused and not sure what to think about his actions; and that I need to take a step back from him. This hot and cold is hurting me.  We can stay friends but I need to go off grid with him for awhile, no contact.

He just said he hoped I was ok and we'll talk tonight. My thought, He doesn't realize what he does affects others. Does he do this to his kids and family?