Anyone else have no family left?

[reallivefiction]

I'm not sure how common/uncommon this is, but I'm 30 years old and essentially have no family left.

My dad is uNPD and caused a lot of physical and mental distress for myself, my brother and my mom when I was a teen. I've been NC with him for about 2 years now and don't keep in contact with anyone on his side of the family (flying monkeys galore). My mom was an alcoholic who drank herself sick in my late teens/early twenties and died in 2015. My only brother is autistic with BPD and lives with my dad out of necessity, so I keep in contact with him but from a distance (I'm pretty much his only emotional support, but I think I keep good boundaries with him). Mom's dad passed away last weekend, and her mom has advanced dementia to the point where she doesn't remember who I am anymore and is in a home. Mom's only sister died of cancer in 2006.

I've pretty suddenly had to start coming to terms with the fact that I no longer have any competent family to lean on for menial/emotional support. I'm obviously an adult and am taking care of myself as best as I can, but thinking about not having any family at all to fall back on is really scary. Fortunately I have an amazingly supportive partner who gives me everything I could ask for and more.

But it just sucks hearing coworkers and friends talk about spending holidays with their family. Every family has their issues, but I feel envious of their healthier familial relationships.

Has anyone else gone through this? What's helped you to get through?

[Seeking Tao]

I'm there as well. I'm 66 years old, suffering health problems because of a lifetime of PTSD, and have had to divorce my family including my only child, and her children (my grandchildren), in order to survive. I feel afraid as well, and depend on my husband to help me through this terrible experience. So yeah, been there - done that - got the t-shirt, and still don't have a clue as to how to change anything. I don't have any advice or an answer for you. Just wanted you to know you're not alone.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Hi reallivefiction and Seeking Tao. I'm sorry you've both gone through this and for so long.

I recently took first steps to go NC with immediate family and it is very scary. It feels like you're floating through darkness with no one. I haven't had much relationships with extended family for years and NC with immediate family is the final cut. Essentially I have no family, just my husband, his family, some friends, some close and some not. I was very enmeshed with immediate FOO so I'm feeling very bereaved of a closeness I may never experience again.

I can't relate how I got through it because I'm barely getting through it right now (4 months). It is agony a lot of the time, but I've also found I have more confidence and a different sense of myself with other people. I think it's allowing me to be closer with others in a healthier way, potentially, and perhaps this can extend to a different network of people and create healthier FOC relationships over time. I hope.

[11JB68]

Yes here too. For a long time I felt like an orphan. Between my M's upd and my Updh lots of bridges were burnt.
Updm made it impossible for me to maintain extended foo relationships when I went nc with her.
Updh has a small family (possibly with pds), he doesn't really speak to his only sister so those opportunities are limited too. Best friend died in 2016, then Updh got in a fight with her ex (Updh best friend) so lost contact with that entire 'FOC'.
Very sad.

[Stardust1982]

I have gone through that, yes. I lived abroad for 11 and a half years and when I went NC with PD parents (which turned now in full contact) I had absolutely no one in my life. Not even friends. Being abroad is a different experience, you need to be more active in the social department and I wasn't active at all. Soo, after cutting ties which happened on a December month, I spent holidays alone in the apartment (my roommates went home to their families) and binge-watched tv-series and listened to a lot of music.

It was actually a liberating experience for me. Having no relative to even remind me of FOO helped me a lot in terms of emotional peace, confidence and joy. I started connecting with new people online and offline and soon made a really great friend who was emotionally healthy (we still keep in touch even though he's living abroad).

It does get better. Even if now it seems very lonely to you (holidays tend to bring up sadness, regret and shame for us, adult children of PD parents), you will get used to the thought that loneliness is much much much better than living a toxic life filled with individuals who use you and abuse you.

I remember watching Home Alone during a lonely Christmas and feeling so happy and relieved I didn't have any parents in my life like Kevin had. However, I did feel a bit like like Kevin in 'Lost in New York' but without the parents-lost and alone in a foreign country. And that made me really happy, it gave me hope that I'll recover from their influence and things will get much easier.

Also, in that movie, there is a homeless lady who befriends Kevin and who is heartbroken.
Towards the end of the movie, Kevin says something to her that stuck with me: to remember that we do have a heart even though it was broken and can't feel anymore. So, if we still have it, why not use it and give it to someone else? What use is a heart without the feelings?

Makes me cry each time 

You will be fine, I am certain of it

[11JB68]

Oh, the Home Alone reference 😭
One of our favorite movies is Home Alone (1). But I have such a hard time with the story line about the older man who is estranged from his daughter...

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I think it is somewhat common. I am sorry. None of it is your fault, and you did not do anything wrong. 

Both my parents are only children so I never did have any cousins or aunts or uncles. My family was always just my parents and my older sister.  I went NC with my Nsister three years ago and trying VLC with Nparents for the same amount of time. Tons of FM among family friends though. Nobody understands how I could ghost them when there are so few of us. Those who are friends with my parents no longer speak to me. I have no family in my life. I do not try to explain it to anyone. I also feel envious when I hear others talking about large family celebrations.  When we get to the point of going NC, it is to self-rescue. Nobody can understand what that is like unless they have lived it. Yes, it can be lonely. However what is more consistent to me is the clarity of knowing there was no option if I was to live a healthy life. You now get to build a family of choice with people who value who you are as a person.

[Hepatica]

Me, me, me and just me and my Dh over here.

It's hard. That said, when I lived on the west coast after uni, I lived in two shared houses and those were the best Christmas's i ever had. These people became more like a family to me than I ever had. We all cooked the dinner. One of them played the piano all night. We laughed. We cleaned up together. After that I lived with a friend and her boyfriend... also excellent. Super Christmas. Beautiful.

Then I came back "home" to my FOO and experienced the feeling that you really cannot go home again. The masks came off at Christmas and it was like topsy turvy world. All an act with this underlying shallow performance feel. I hated it for years.

Now I don't go. And it's pretty lonely with my small family - husband and child - and all other friends having big family get togethers. I am trying hard to figure out how to take some lonely people in but with Covid it won't be happening this year.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yeah, me too. I went NC with my uPD parents and uPD in-laws, and lost all connection to both extended families as collateral damage.

It is hard hearing other people talk about family get togethers, etc. But then I remember what it was actually like. I remember the Christmases where I was so stressed out about the food, the gifts, etc. being good enough for people who were in fact impossible to please. I remember running interference on every interaction between the two sets of parents. I remember the constant digs at me and having to keep that smile pasted on and feeling perpetually on the edge of tears. I remember dreading every family get together for weeks ahead. I remember, and don't miss it. I miss having the hope of family. But it was always only an illusion. I don't miss much about the reality. Reality is much, much better now.

[JustKat]

You're definitely not alone in this one. I refused to break NC when my Nmother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, so she launched a very effective smear campaign against me. She died five years ago and no one has spoken to me since. I have two siblings, but I'm dead to them. Same with aunts, uncles, cousins. I'm 60, married, though not happily. Still, it's better than being alone. I never had children of my own. After what I went through with my own mother, I just couldn't.

So.... my friends and neighbors are my family now. The last few years I've celebrated Thanksgiving with neighbors, but won't be able to do that this year.   The older I get, the more I realize how important it is to have good friends.

Coming to this forum helps a lot too. I've been visiting online forums for about 20 years now (I started in another forum and migrated over here). These places have really helped me to get through holidays and birthdays and all the times that are so hard for those of us with PD families. I hope everyone here has a wonderful Thanksgiving. We may not get the Hallmark moment that other people talk about, but we can do other things that make us happy. Hugs to you all.

[Honey_B]

Me too 

I am a single mother and live with my 11 year old son. His father was not part of his life. I just went NC with my mother as she has been abusive all my life. I have a sister who actually lives not far from us, but she is so enmeshed with my mother that she is completely brainwashed. I see her very rarely.

Technically, I have some aunts and uncles in another part of the country but they all act as flying monkeys for my mother, so no relationship there either.

So its basically just me an my son, no other family.  It is a tough one to swollow, sometimes I feel very alone, however, there is nothing to do about it. I focus on my son and being a good mother for him. We have a very good relationship and whenever possible we socialize with friends or people from his school. I try to teach him to create his own family from people around him.

[hadenough01]

It s a sad day to realize when friends treat you better then family. I have some moments of 'clarity' and this is one of them. Surround yourself and your son with those who love you and want to see you doing well, whether those people are blood or not. Your son will learn from you. Your desire of internal respect will be what he sees and will ultimately follow.

[JustKat]

It is hard hearing other people talk about family get togethers, etc. But then I remember what it was actually like. I remember the Christmases where I was so stressed out about the food, the gifts, etc. being good enough for people who were in fact impossible to please. I remember running interference on every interaction between the two sets of parents. I remember the constant digs at me and having to keep that smile pasted on and feeling perpetually on the edge of tears. I remember dreading every family get together for weeks ahead. I remember, and don't miss it.

Thank you for sharing that, Cordelia. When I'm feeling really down about spending holidays alone, it helps to sit back and really think about how awful it was being around them. Those family gatherings were dreadful, so much so that I would start to have severe migraines in November, dreading what was about to come.

What I remember the most is how loud my Nmother was. How she literally screamed out every sentence so she would be the only one heard. No one could talk about their lives, their jobs, their accomplishments. We'd sit at the dinner table for Thanksgiving and the only thing you heard was HER. I don't miss that one bit. I mean, why was I even there?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Glad it was helpful, Kathy. Yeah, who wants that? Your body was telling you what you eventually figured out. Even though what I said is absolutely true... it is hard to be alone. There's something not natural about it. We're made to be part of a family. So the loss, even if abstract, is real. I've bettered my condition by going NC, but there's still something missing that never was there. Not a new idea but cutting out the dead-end of hoping in toxic family members frees us up to invest in GOOD relationships.

[Sidney37]

I have no biological family speaking to me either.  DH isn't particularly close to his siblings.  We talked to his parents somewhat frequently but his father has passed and his mother has dementia.  I describe it to my therapist like my little family is floating on an island.  We live in a snobby suburbs, so making friends who are like family has been tough.

Yesterday was American Thanksgiving.  Up until a few years ago when I started coming Out of the FOG, my DH, kids and I would pack into the car and drive 12+ hours to PD Aunt and uncle's house for Thanksgiving. Several groups of PD relatives also came including my PDm and enD.  We all stayed at PD aunt and uncles house for the whole weekend of PD nonsense.  PD aunt insisted for weeks ahead of time that she would cook.  She stalled, complained, made herself the center of attention with her latest ache or pain, stretching, complaining and absolute drama that delayed grocery shopping or cooking.  Every year, DH and I ended up cooking the entire meal for 20+ people while all of the PDs argued over the best way to cook a turkey, who was going to go to the grocery store and the best the gravy and stuffing recipes.  She didn't even think about cooking until about 3 in the afternoon and if we waited for her, dinner wasn't ready until nearly midnight if at all.  Young PD cousin and her very PD husband showed up 30 minutes before dinner so he could criticize and critique all of the food (he was a cook at a local restaurant for a few months in college and has deemed himself an expert chef), make changes to all the dishes often making them inedible and then take credit for anything that turned out great and blame me for everything that he ruined.  PD aunt spent the entire dinner  telling him what an amazing cook and person he is to come and save the day  with his expertise in cooking.  No thank you to DH or me. 

DH stood at the stove yesterday cooking for our 4 person, immediate family, COVID Thanksgiving thankful that  there was do drama, fighting, tears or insults.  Everything got cooked on time and no one stormed out or insulted anyone.  PD cousin's husband wasn't there to change my dishes and PD aunt couldn't tell me for hours how he is the expert cook.  PDm couldn't get my kids into fights by playing favorites and upsetting one of them.

It was blissful.  While I feel like I am on an island with no family and few friends where we live, I never, ever want to go back to the stress and drama of PD Thanksgiving.  One year I ended up in the ER after returning home because the stress symptoms were so bad that I thought I was having a heart attack.  Not this year and never again. 

[BettyGray]

Yes. And it's not a great feeling, but I will take it over being part of a family that manipulates and gaslights.

The pandemic has made things a little more complicated and this being the first and, hopefully, only Covid holiday season, feels somehow lonelier than usual. Even if we have a loving FOC it's still weird.

My sadness this year came from the fact that I realized if something happened to DH, I really would have exactly no one. Yes, his parents are around but they're elderly and won't be here forever. I have a BIL,(DH brother) SIL and niece/nephew. Before the pandemic I saw them at least 1x and sometimes twice a month. I was able to keep up with the kids lives a little  more (we have no children). I could catch up with my SIL and generally felt they were my family.

In reality, none of them have reached out to me. For 3 months. I know they're coping with their own stuff but being isolated has made it clear for f DH is gone, I will probably not see them again. I am just married to their brother, son etc. Out of sight out of mind.

That to me was more upsetting than having no blood family at the holidays.

Thanksgiving and Christmas with my FOO was always and forever full of drama. Older uBPD sister angry that Nmom asked her to wrap all of the presents, help decorate the tree,etc. But she would dutifully indulge mom every year. Sis would complain nobody appreciated her efforts and then pout the rest of the day.

Nfather would basically say hello and then retreat to his office for the rest of the day. Come down, eat dinner, do the dishes while everyone else socialized, then retreat again.  Good to see you too, dad. Nice that you're so interested in spending time with us after we drive 14 hours to be here. Yeah, you miss me sooooo much, right?

Nmom would "slave" in the kitchen, trying to garner sympathy for being unappreciated for all of the extra work exactly noone asked her to do.

GC brother always had some ailment or crisis that had to be the center of everything.

And then of course , inevitably, someone picked a fight, or stormed off. It was exhausting. So glad I never have to go through that again.

Thumbs up to you Reallivefiction , and everyone else here. The lonely times ebb and flow. The holidays are particularly difficult but then normal life resumes, one of our own choosing, drama free. It gets a little easier but I think it's always going to sting little.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hugs to you, Liz. I relate to feeling hurt by indifference more than actual hostility. Hostility is more readily recognizable as being the other person's problem. You've invested quite a lot of yourself into your FOC, and to have it not reciprocated or your value even recognized outside of your DH hurts in all those already-wounded places.

[newlife33]

Yup, I get you.  I left my entire FOO at your age seven years ago.  I moved to NYC and began to research and observe people who I thought were healthy.  It took a while to tune in and learn what a relationship was and how to love myself and others, but after about 4 years I figured it out a bit.  I also changed my last name 3 years ago and finally am making it legal this month.  Changing my name was huge because it was "ripping the bandaid off" of my pain.  Even though I was NC I still held hope that somehow they would change or a magical family would pop out of the ground.  Nope, that ain't happening.  It was very lonely feeling but I think what you are doing now (being honest) is very painful but will help you move forward. 

Now that I have my own name, my own set of values and my own needs, it has become easier to start to build the family I have always wanted

[Stardust1982]

@newlife33 I'm really happy for your re:changing your name and moving to NYC. I moved countries some years ago and went NC but I am now back in full contact with them. I'll again go NC and move abroad but boy, it feels like the hardest trip to take.
happy holidays!

[orb]

this is my 5th holiday season NC from a pair of uNPDparents.

uNPDm is an absolute master at triangulating, dividing, lying, and rewarding favourites, so when i went NC with the parents, i had to go NC with the entire extended family.
in that family, you are either abused, or you are an abuser.
or you escape.

for my whole previous life, holidays were ruined for me, as per standard NPD operation.
i have very low key celebrations for everything these days. i like to make things pretty and delicious for my husband and i, but it's all quite pared-back.
i highly value the simplicity, the peace, the calm, the affection and the lack of fights/humiliations/drunkenness/etc.
at first i felt lonely and a bit frightened and very sad....but then i realised that i wasn't missing my family as they actually are.
i was missing my ever-optimistic, ever-hopeful version of who they are.
i was missing a fantasy that i had created.
as soon as i embraced the reality of them, i knew i'd be immeasurably more happy and content eating a day-old sandwich on the bus rather than feasting with any of them.