Menopause and literally no F's left to give...

[SunnyMeadow]

If you watch some of the videos by Menopause Barbie (also called Menopause Taylor) she lays out a huge amount of menopause info. She talks about the studies about HRT and cancer. Fair warning, she goes into deep detail which is a bit much for me. I pick and choose the videos carefully. Some stuff I don't care to watch. She loves Victorian fashion so that's fun to see all her different styles.

The patch doesn't have to go through the liver like a pill so that's best for me. I still have uterus so progestin is needed to prevent uterine cancer. She calls menopause being in a state of estrogen deficiency. And says the medical world treats thyroid hormone deficiency and insulin deficiency as a matter of course so why not estrogen deficiency?

She also says we weren't meant to outlive our estrogen but we do. Women's hormones deplete incredibly quickly unlike men's hormones.  That's why we go through all the different symptoms seemingly overnight. Definitely interesting to learn about. This stuff certainly should be  standard issue, at least the general discussion and to tell women...there is help for it, don't suffer. Because of some study back in the 60s I believe she said, there was a big cancer scare with hormone replacement. She goes into it in one of the videos. I think video 85 or 95.

A sad part of this, there is an estrogen replacement window of opportunity. Within 5 to 10 years after you are fully in menopause is the ideal time to start replacement any longer and it can be a detriment. I have no idea what videos go into it--sorry.

I thought I'd go through the change with some flashes and a big of v dryness. It was worse than I expected so I'm choosing to replace what I lost and holy cow... I'm really happy with the reversing of symptoms.

(of course, you will double check all my facts. I'm not 100% clear of meno-brain symptoms and could have f'd up some of the facts )

[SunnyMeadow]

Also, she's not all about HRT. She also explains dietary changes, supplements, exercise and other natural treatments for symptoms. Her tag line is "your menopause, your way".

[JustKat]

They advertise the "little blue pill" freaking everywhere, why is there not an ad for this magical patch ?!??!

Right? RIGHT? You can even order the blue pill by mail!

I also appreciate the info on the patch. I just turned 60 and this week had my very first UTI ever. Again, another mystery solved.

[SunnyMeadow]

Same for me with UTI! Never, ever had one but after menopause two within 8 months.

I didn't even mention the protective benefits of estrogen on heart attack, osteoporosis and Alzheimer disease - video 84

[stasia]

My M used to tell me "once you get into your 40s, all hell breaks loose." I think she used it to excuse her behavior - I mean, it was pretty clear that her give-a-shit had left the building - but, well, for me it meant quitting a toxic job and then, years later, going NC with her. I just got so tired of always being last on the list and of pleasing others while I sank further into anxiety and depression!

That being said, I've been having perimenopause symptoms for probably a good 5 years. The worst part was losing my ability to sleep. I thought I was going to go insane. My gyno put me on a low-dose pill where I only get a period once every 3 months. This also fixed my menstrual migraines and have evened out my emotions somewhat; I don't cry over nothing or fly into rages as often. The biggest downside is that my skin is now terrible - teenage zits constantly. And it didn't, uh, fix some common issues with ladyparts that many of us experience at this time of life.

This all sucks!

[alphaomega]

Oddly enough, after I had my supracervical hysterectomy at 44, my life felt like it was just beginning.  I LOVED my mid to late 40's. 

I still have my ovaries, but I got rid of the football sized fibroid tumor that my surgeon said had grown its own blood supply.      

I'm convinced that was a metaphor for the "child I was never allowed to deliver" aka my NPDM.

If menopause is essentially an "estrogen deficiency" why isnt is standard that said hormones are replaced ?  If you have a thyroid issue, you get thyroid meds.  Diabetes is often well controlled with meds. 

I honestly cant understand why this isnt treated like a "deficiency" and supplemented to relieve symptoms ????

[JustKat]

My M used to tell me "once you get into your 40s, all hell breaks loose." I think she used it to excuse her behavior

My Nmother said the same thing to me, but in her case it was more of a threat. She was always so jealous that I looked youthful for my age and was very slender and fit (unlike her, I had taken care of myself with a healthy diet and lots of exercise). She had completely let herself go and was bitter and angry about the way she looked, so threw aging at me like a threat: "Just wait until you turn forty, you're going to get fat and you're going to be ugly."

Yes, the menopause symptoms have been awful, but I didn't get fat and I didn't turn ugly. If anything, I gained more confidence in myself with age. So there!

[alphaomega]

My goodness do I ever dislike this time of the year.

Everything feels sooooo "have to".  Soooooo covertly "expected".   
This whole time of the year feels so NPD 

Its like everywhere I turn I feel like if I don't want to support the stupid retail industries gun being held to my head - that I'm somehow Scrooge and uncharitable etc.

I am so generous its ridiculous.

As a business owner, all I do from the week before Thanksgiving is GIVE. 
I love to give.  I do it all the time.  Whenever I feel the impetus.

But I really get put off when I feel like its EXPECTED.
And even more so when I feel like if I don't - there is covert hell to pay.

It makes me feel like I did when I was deep in the fog. 
Like there are these unspoken "rules" AND "demands" that subtly color every interaction for about 6 weeks starting mid November.

I really need to crawl under a rock until this FORCED UPON US HOLIDAY CHEER is over.   

I'm so over this holiday crap.

[moglow]

You sing the song of my people! My situation is complicated - or not - with me single and not having any children, plus our family situation is complicated as a whole so we don't do the "normal" gatherings anyway. I'm way off on some limb only own.

But still, there's the constant where are you going/what are you doing/do you have your shopping done/holiday questions. I've learned how to say No for the most part, but there's still a pressure to go and do and party and gathering. I have a side job that gives me an out so I'm quicker to tell people I'm booked if I need it, whether I am or not.
But seriously, we've been at this since Labor Day and I'm over it!! I'm so glad you said that. 

[DreamingofQuiet]

AlphaOmega,

YES!!! A thousand times yes!! You have perfectly expressed why I struggle to find true joy this time of year.

And yes, the Expectedness of it all feels very NPD, which then reminds me of my mother, which then feels triggering.

Seriously, I think I need to copy down what you wrote and save it to reread when The Season approaches.

And yes, my perimenopausal a$@ is seriously over all of it. I am an introvert with fatigue issues and S.A.D. All I want this time of year is to stick to simple routines, rest, and go within. Which is not in line with social expectations. We had our division Christmas party yesterday, which I, as admin, was expected to plan and coordinate. It was successful, and I did enjoy the actual party. But I was absolutely knackered after it was over. And I stayed two hours late to try to do some of the work that I couldn't do while dealing with the party.

Just a few more days, and it's all over!!!! Call me Scrooge, lol, but I feel a surge of genuine elation at the prospect. 

[alphaomega]

I told my friend last week, "I AM BARELY HANGING ON". 

I wasnt kidding.

I lost it on a customer service representative for my credit card.  Because I couldnt get a charge to go through for a gift card for gift.
Lost it.

I yelled "I Have to get this stupid gift card for the stupid obligations that demand I participate in this STUPID TIME OF THE YEAR"

She actually giggled...     And said - I feel you sister...

I realized that I was having suicidal thoughts. 
While I was on the massage table no less...
WHO TRIES TO FIGURE OUT THE EASIEST WAY TO OFF THEMSELVES WHILE SUPPOSEDLY IN THE MOST RELAXING PLACE *ever*....?????

I realized that this time of the year, coupled with the estrogen loss, was taking me under.
UNDER....

I called my gyne and asked for a STAT appt.  She got me in immediately.

We had a long convo about hormone replacement therapy, and I decided I HAD TO try it.  It wasnt optional.

I was becoming so rage filled (I'm a pacifist by nature) that I was afraid I might have a stroke. 

the hot flashes I can handle.  I cant even tolerate the night sweats and the insomnia.  But the RAGE and the inability to find a reason to go on, when literally 2 months ago I was the happiest I had EVER been in my entire life ? 

Yeah, something definitely had to be done...

So I slapped on the estradiol patch last night after more in depth research.   (I always have to come to things in my own time, even when the gun is loaded)

I'm a little terrified how quickly things can turn from Light to total DARKNESS.

After reading the ebook "Outliving Our Ovaries" I knew that supplementing with estrogen had to atleast be tried.

I have Seasonal affective disorder, Menopause AND a general disdain and loathing for the holidays.

I'm barely hanging on. 

But I am trying.

XO AO

[Outsiderchild]

https://youtu.be/Vqbk9cDX0l0

Just leaving this out there.   Some days it is a constant ear worm...

[moglow]

I feel you, really I do!! And that rage hits out of nowhere and for no apparent reason! I'm growing more appreciative for cbd gummies every day.

I manage an office and thankfully dont always have to work front desk anymore. The sheer disrespect and entitlement bs we run into every day !!! I've had to walk away to gather myself more than once lest I chew someone's head off. Too often my inner voice is: No, really. I'll gladly sit here while you search for your calendar - when you called ME for an appointment. I have two other phone lines ringing, someone needing to check out and schedule their next appt, but sure, I'll listen to that mindless blather ... Call. Me. Back.

I've asked for a padded scream room, so I can go and just get it and these knots in my shoulders OUT.

Hang on. Hold on. Talk it out and let it go when you can. You're not alone!

[Kiki81]

I also experienced my first UTI about 6 years in to menopause. I had no idea what people went thru with them, they are awful. I went with V estrogen to repair/maintain my urinary tract and bladder, and solve the dryness. I did it 3x per week for about a year (I'd been without any hormone replacement for about 4 years) and now I use it once a week and no UTI s or dryness.

I also use Mannose powder daily to repel the bacteria that crawls up your urinary tract.

[JustKat]

I also use Mannose powder daily to repel the bacteria that crawls up your urinary tract.

Thank you for recommending this! I had never heard of Mannose before but after some quick research it looks like something worth trying.

[stasia]

I am prone to UTIs after, ummmmm.... "adult activities" and the D-mannose completely stopped them. Highly recommend.

[SunnyMeadow]

I told my friend last week, "I AM BARELY HANGING ON". 
I wasnt kidding.
After reading the ebook "Outliving Our Ovaries" I knew that supplementing with estrogen had to atleast be tried.
I have Seasonal affective disorder, Menopause AND a general disdain and loathing for the holidays. I'm barely hanging on.  But I am trying

I feel you on this AO! I was having similar suicidal thoughts after being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that was really kicking my behind. I wasn't feeling much reason to continue on and didn't care if it happened one way or the other. I bounced back and forth from loathing my uPDmother and wishing her demise so I could begin living to not caring if I was the one to go.

So menopause, hopelessness and learning to live a whole new way with an unwelcome disease was not working out well. The estrodiol patch has been helping me feel better, I use estrogen cream twice a week too. I do so much better with estrogen. The full night of continuous deep sleep is a welcome side effect of HRT.

I felt better quite quickly after starting the patch. I hope the same for you.

[alphaomega]

Yes SunnyMeadow Yes.

The hopelessness is what I cant bear.   I dont even care anymore if I outlive NPDM.   

I just want to be free of this sorrow. 

But even moreso, the apathy.

The EXPECTATIONS of the holiday season just feel like more of my childhood where I cant escape the constant barrage of bullshit and lies and fakeness.

Slap that fake ass stupid smile on and bounce around like everything is just fucking DUCKY !! 


I dont want to bake christmas cookies.
I dont want to buy stupid presents that wont be remembered 15 minutes after its opened.
I dont to fill landfills with wrapping paper and boxes and New Years noise makers.
I dont want to run around town and bust my ass to try to make people feel good when I'm drowning.
I dont want to take NPDM pathetic decrepit body, and non-existent soul, to dinner with people that actually care about me.
I dont want to have to field her offensive, filter-less constant stream of judgement of others and inferiority.
I dont want to cook food that some will enjoy, but some will hate - and I'll of course attach to the hate rather than the joy.

I dont want to pretend anymore.

I dont want to pretend ANY FUCKING MORE.

Tears are just streaming down my face because I feel so sad for MYSELF. 

Imagine that. 
Permitting the truth rather than the bullshit.

Fuck.

[starshine23]

I  going through early menopause at 41 and I too have no more fucks. I also have always been a fixer who reads the room I walk into. Not anymore. For the first time in my life I really savor my alone time. I'm learning to love myself. And it's great! Good for you!!!!!!

[RavenLady]

alphaomega, I ADORE your original post and the thread you started. I adore it as a woman. I adore it as someone also running out of fucks to give. I adore it as someone healing from all the traumatic shit. And I adore it as someone also completely bummed out by the ubiquitous, wasteful artifice common to this time of year. Thanks for putting words to all of it.

I hope your body becomes easier to live in in the extremely near future. As someone whose body has not been easy to live in for a very long time, I just want to echo what others have said: you're not alone. It's shocking what upheaval uncooperative bodies cause. And also, our bodies are excellent teachers. Thanks for sharing what you are learning.

I'm sorry you're feeling hard feelings. I know what that's like, too. I'm a little worried about how you're doing after your last post. Hoping as the days get longer now, the light comes our more for you, too.