when kids are involved

[salome]

Hi,
i would like some advice on how to handle the following situation. Short recap: I made friends with a parent at my daughters' school over the course of the last year and then had to suddenly and quite dramatically go no contact at the end of the school year (i *think* this person has BPD or NPD -- at least that's the only thing that makes sense when I look back at how our friendship suddenly escalated so crazily.) Luckily so far this person, I'll call him Robert, has respected my requests for no contact. So far so good, I guess.
However, he is very much testing this boundary by going through my daughters and his daughters (they are all in the same class and very good friends)
I said that requests for play dates may only come through my spouse and now Robert is ratcheting up requests and hanging out after school with them a lot and the kids come home telling me how much fun they've had.. I am uncomfortable with this and am unsure what to do... I feel like the kids are all pawns in this whole thing and am pretty sure a playdate request at one of our houses is next.. (which we had frequently before this escalated.) I also sometimes feel crazy because Robert is able to act all harmless and charming at the school. But of course I know it's not me. It's just a very isolating feeling.
The dilemma is that his kids are really great and they really are all very good friends. Hence why I am reluctant to forbid them to hang out....how would I explain it? But then again I feel like Robert is really pushing... Also I haven't told my daughters anything, maybe someone has some tips about how to explain that myself and Robert are no longer friends? They have noticed that I don't interact anymore and it's mainly their dad that deals with this now.
I feel like my options are
-waiting for this to die down and for Robert to find someone else to focus on.
-Tell my spouse to minimise interactions outside school hours...
- No more playdates?
Luckily my family are very supportive and are on my side in this story. Robert is very active in the school community but I live in a big city and most of my life is outside the school, so his reach is minimal. Unfortunately however, his reach falls in my kids' domain... and that is unsettling.
Any tips would be very helpful!
Salome

[bloomie]

Hi there. I read your other posts to get a bit more context of what is happening with Robert. Are you and your spouse on the same page with the level of contact you feel is workable with the children?

The thing I have learned in similar experiences is that the most kind thing I can do is to be consistent in my words, engagement, and actions toward someone with whom the friendship has ended badly. Would a cooling off period be wise? Maybe a few weeks where you make plans with other school or neighborhood friends and begin to steer away from so much contact between your families? Is it possible to just decline the invitations, or to do a slow fade and decrease contact?

In terms of talking with your kids... I suggest keeping it simple and age appropriate....would it be enough to say that you realized that being family friends wasn't working out for the adults, so you won't be doing things as families together, but that you are glad the kids will be able to see each other at school.

If they are old enough to ask why it wasn't working out you can honestly say they were looking to be closer to you than you were comfortable with. Sometimes adults want different things in friendships just like kids do. And it may make it awkward for a bit, but you will show your kids how to kindly and maturely be in the same community with someone you have ended a relationship with.

You've got this!

[Srcyu]

You could tell your daughters, 'Oh, we had an argument and now we don't really speak to each other very much.'

Play dates have died down since you and Robert fell out so there is no real reason to let them start up again.
I would stop even mentioning him and definitely avoid showing any reaction if he is nearby. When your daughters relay to you how much fun he seems to be keep your responses pleasant and gently move onto something else.