feeling lost & hurt

[sobermomma]

Hi. I'm currently going through a custody battle with my ex. We have 2 children together, a toddler girl and a young boy. They are currently in their father's primary custody-- I am a recovering alcoholic. I will have my first weekend visitation with them tomorrow and OMG I can't wait. I feel so unsafe even posting in here, but I had to find SOMEWHERE to go because he (or someone on his behalf) hacked into my Facebook recently to gather "evidence" to use in court, except some of the "evidence" he gathered clearly proved he hacked me because he took screenshots of things I posted in a "private"- invitation-only group my sister created for me and my family months ago.

I had a hard night on my nightly phone call with my babies- I confirmed that he is already dating (it's only been 6 months) someone and has been bringing her around the kids, which I already told him that I felt that it was too soon- because of the limited length of our recent separation, their young ages, the fact that we're still in the midst of our custody case, etc. She was there at the house tonight during their dinner time, during my phone call time, and not only that- she brought her grandmother. So when my daughter started saying "Grandma! Grandma!" I thought she was referring to MY mom, who was here this weekend celebrating my birthday and my daughter's birthday. After she said "Grandma Grandma..." she stopped talking to me. It wasn't until the end of the call when my ex told me that his girlfriend AND her grandmother were there. I handled it well, said what I needed to say in a calm and civil manner, then got off the phone before I could get emotional. My attorney has told me that it's ok to be recording the phone calls, and I have been since the summer. I back them up on my computer and am planning to convert all of them and notate any and all instances of...interference, his disparaging comments, etc. Our new temporary court order goes into effect tomorrow and my attorney tried to make additions, such as the nightly phone calls must include video chats because they help to engage the kids if they can see me, and not bringing romantic partners around the kids for the next year-- he disagreed with both and so they aren't included in the order.

I feel lost because I don't know how to document or prove ways that he could be turning the kids against me, or alienating me in ways-- how to prove he is a narcissist, etc. For the most part, he hasn't broken any of the orders, but just barely- it's like he's smart enough to toe the line, to do the absolute bare minimum but not actually do anything that would make him in contempt. He switched the kid's pediatrician over the summer, and I found out a month later, and through my attorney. And he didn't include me as the emergency contact when he switched their dentist- but he included me as the contact at the new pediatrician. He didn't provide any information about their doctor visit over the summer- I had to take a day off of work to drive around town getting all of the medical records.

Like I said I am a recovering alcoholic- 6 months, through the 12 steps, working with a sponsor, have my own sponsee. I don't have any DUIsor DWIs. I completed a treatment program over the summer, moved into a halfway house for 3 months- walked to a job before I got a car, then got an offie job, and moved into my own apartment so I could have overnights with them. My alcoholism progressed only 2 years ago and I fully believe it was because he was and has been abusive to me since the beginning of our 5 year relationship- abusive in every single way. I didn't do a good job documenting anything when we were together- I was desperately trying to keep us together because I come from a broken home myself. Meanwhile, I was his 3rd wife. He has left all 3 of us-- something he's proud of. He has never even waited for the ink to dry on the divorce papers before he IMMEDIATELY jumped into the next relationship- and of course, he's doing the same thing now. We were never legally married- we eloped and he always had excuses and lies as to why he wouldn't take me to the courthouse.

So hi. I'm happy to have found this site. sorry if this is long for an introductory post-- like I said, I feel completely lost. I haven't even looked at any of the posts, but I will dive in shortly. Please help! 

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have been through a lot and seem to be on a good path. Congratulations and well done on working the 12 step program! This site is full of good information, read around on the TOOLBOX tab for ideas to protect yourself when you are dealing with your PDpartner. The Separating and divorcing board might also have valuable and interesting posts for you.
In order to protect ourselves we do not give real names here and avoid posting information that might help to identify us. See you around on the boards!

[Penny Lane]

Hi sobermama,
Congratulations on doing the hard work of getting sober. And believe me it is HARD. This is a really great first part of what I hope will be a real healing journey - free from substance abuse, free from relationship abuse and totally Out of the FOG!

I hope you do dive into the posts, on the separating and divorcing or maybe the coparenting board. There people can offer you the support you need and - if you want it - maybe help brainstorm strategies for trying to increase your parenting time and coming to some sort of stability post-separation. Again this is really hard stuff, but the people here have been through it themselves so they'll understand.

Good luck, and hope to see you around.

[bgirl12]

Congrats to you!  I am so proud of you and your hard work. You are incredible.
I'm sorry you feel this way. You are on the right track and need to focus on your future, not your past. They can dig whatever they want out of the depths of the internet but today you are doing better than you have in a while and that is good that even the blind could see in court. Blessings to you.