HELP! Sick of being the Scapegoat

[BettyGray]

It's getting bad. I'm getting to the point where I cannot even stand to be in the room when DH talks to MIL. A few weeks after one of her rage fits, he has talked to her less, which I have commended him for. Even though I feel I had to beg and plead with him to push back at all. He thinks he pushed back - I'm sorry, gentle push back that has no real results is really not push back, in my opinion. Yesterday, I made a simple joke about her and he got mad at ME.

I told him yesterday morning (after the joke) that of COURSE she would call us at work and that he of course would answer. She DID call. He did not answer. But I know he would have answered had I not pointed it out  earlier in the day. Almost like he just didn't want to have me be right, not that answering the phone would have opened the door to her calling more often.

He has the approach of "I'll call her for a few minutes so I can get off the phone and not have to call her for a few days." He doesn't understand that "status quo" approach is destructive in its own way.

So this morning, he calls her... and is all cheerful and acts like everything is just hunky dory between them. I almost vomited. My stomach is in knots over this. I've been here before. She acts like an A$$, he retreats a little after "admonishing" her, she backs off a little, a week or two passes with VLC, then it's back to "hunky-dory, phony behavior". And it all starts again.

I was clearly upset after he hung up the phone. He asked me what was wrong. I knew how it would play out, so I said, "I don't see the point of talking about it, because I'll be made into the bad guy for speaking the truth." He pushed, so I told him. I told him that acting as if things are 100% ok with her is unhealthy and that it painful to have to relive it (my NPD family members were classic in their maddening "nothing bad ever happened" behavior).

A big fight ensued. Suddenly, *I* was the bad guy, right on cue. Not HER, of course. If I point out counteractive, unhealthy behaviors or patterns, I'm "accusing" him. He defends himself, he defends his approach, I'm overreacting. Even though I have praised him for backing off and answering the phone (and calling less), he focusses on the "accusations." And gaslights me - in his eyes, I only see the negative.

Do any of your DH/SO do this? You're trying to address the unhealthy, global issues and dysfunction. He can only see whatever conversation triggered the discussion a few minutes before. To him, the global things do not matter - just what recently happened. The fact that a cancer is devouring us is of no import to him, just the most recent side effects. 

It's pointless. No matter how experienced I am at recognizing these patterns, if I point out the damage and fallout from "keeping the peace," I'm the bad guy. If I speak up about how its affecting me, then I'm overreacting. I begin to see him as incredibly selfish and abusive with the gaslighting, staying in control (even if it is unhealthy) and just want to run away and start a new life away from all of this nonsense. It would be the end of the world if he had to be uncomfortable for a short while by confronting her. But it's ok for me to go through hell while things cycle the drain over and over. Seems extremely selfish and controlling.

And guess what? She called BACK about 10 minutes after the first call ended (probably for some ridiculously insignificant reason). He didn't pick it up. Not really because it was the right thing to do, but because then I would be right again.

Her 75th birthday party is at the end of the month. We were supposed to host it, but thankfully DH's cousin offered to host instead. Of COURSE it has to be a huge deal. But I swear, if she misbehaves on that day or says ANYTHING untoward to me or him, I have no problem barking back at her. I don't give a crap if its her birthday. She has ruined several meaningful occasions for me, us, my sister-in-law. Made them all about her. What goes around comes around.

I know I need to remove my feelings from these situations, which isn't hard because I don't want her malfeasance to control my life. She has never shown interest in me as a person. We do not have any kind of real relationship. There aren't a lot of feelings I'll have to detach from.

But having to relive the gaslighting, the abuse cycle, and the compliance on DH's part is becoming a real serious problem. I strongly feel I am the scapegoat here for wanting boundaries and a healthy marriage. I'm starting to think it is never going to happen. Not sure if I can take 25 more years of this. I feel undervalued and outmatched. Between her bullying, his engrained patterns, his stubbornness and selifshness - I'm starting to wonder how I made it this long.

I'm losing my $#!% every other day over this. I just want it to go away. But I doubt it will.

[P&K]

I feel your agony and am in a similar position.  The gaslighting and blaming, all of it.
I can't say it will or won't get better. Using the tool box has been a lifesaver for me. Ultimately, it took me dropping the rope and letting DH deal with all the shenanigans. We did fight at some point and I asked who he was really angry at. I did have to edge on an ultimatum saying if he couldn't speak to me respectfully or stop punishing me for having my own self respect then we were going to have a very big problem. It was a huge lightbulb moment to realize he didn't speak to anyone else in his life the way he had been doing toward me.

It's been hard to accept the 3 c's but it time, mindfulness and reminding myself that they are unwell has really reduced the negative state and ruminating on my part.  I do recommend a personal T for yourself or even couples counselling if your DH will go. I found even the suggestion of going was eye opening for mine. It was safer to fight with me or to try and get me to fall in line because that's how he had been conditioned his whole life. I'd be willing to bet many people in his FOO do the same. DH hated that I could predict what would happen (sometimes multiple steps out.) amd also tried to prove me wrong by changing tactics for a while.

You are not the bad guy. You are strong and you are a good person.  It can take time for our partners to come Out of the FOG. Hang in there! Lean on this community. You're in good company here.

[qcdlvl]

You're definitely not the bad guy - you're not the one having fits of rage, for starters. I second the suggestion of couple's counselling, and I think a "drop the rope" strategy might work. By that I mean that perhaps if your husband wants to visit MIL he'd have to go alone - he can't make you go, not really. Likewise, he can call MIL all he likes but that doesn't mean you have to participate in any way, including discussing what was said, if you don't want to. If he wants to invite MIL over, while one option is to put your foot down that it's your home too and you get a say, a lower conflict option might be to let him, but make yourself scarce and let him bear the burden of the visit - cooking/catering, cleanup, etc. This way, you don't have to deal with MIL's tantrums or bear the burden of appeasing her. While my own situation is different (MIL doesn't rage, for starters), this strategy has largely worked for me - I see MIL no more than twice a year, and I'm NC between visits. My fiancée visits her somewhat more often, on her own, and calls her regularly.

[BettyGray]

Thanks for your replies, Q & PK. I appreciate your thoughtful and kind words and suggestions. Thing is - it's so maddening because it's way more complicated.

Therapy - 30 years on my own; with husband for a few years. Great suggestions, and therapy has helped us both immensely.

DH visiting alone - every once in a while is ok, but not an every time option. Plus, I give up time with my niece and nephew, who usually attend family gatherings. They make it worth it, as I spend most of my time visiting with them. Not to mention I feel for my husband - I go in solidarity when I can't opt out.

As for having her over, I can't say "it's my home,too." It's her home (mostly ours, as 3/4 was purchased with an inheritance from DH's grandparents. Due to DH's self-destructive tendencies (long story), we lost our other home to foreclosure  (after his almost-fatal addiction to alcohol , even longer story). Our credit was ruined, his bad decisions backed us into a financial hole. So mommy dearest had to swoop in and rescue DH by getting a mortgage on our current home in her name. We pay rent to her but because of a horrible financially, we haven't been able to pay her rent in 7 months.

This community has been a lifesaver for me for the last nearly 4 years. It supported me through going NC with my own FOO. And ever since, MIL's transgressions have been keenly smartened by my coming Out of the FOG. The problem is that I can only remove myself so much- DH dealing (or not dealing) with MIL in a way I used to deal with my own horrible family is retraumatizing. Complete NC was possible with my FOO because they live very far away and I had been distancing myself little by little over a 20 year span.

I know I am not the bad guy. I know this is mainly his to deal with. But the retraumatization wasn't something I saw coming. I can't always control my C-PTSD triggers. It's easy to detach from someone you've never had a genuine bond with, but not so easy when it's your spouse that is hurting and you want to support them and see them empower themselves.

Thanks again- I know I will find my way through, but I am exhausted beyond exhausted by having my life affected by other peoples behavior.