Venting

[Breadroll]

Just struggling a bit.  Ds 19 and girlfriend at dinner tonight with others. Ds states loudly to others ( whilst I was out of room) that girlfriends father is deadbeat- cheats on the mother, hid assets, lied, failed to pay child support - etc.

His own father did exactly this, Not to mention some pretty awful stuff I can never talk about. Father a fullY charming g but nasty manipulative npd.  Ds is  g c.  Ds spent very little time in fathers care.  I provided for him, housed him- everything.  But tomorrow, he snd girlfriend are helping father move house

. Wow. Just wow.  Just sitting here in front of tv saying goodnight as they go their various ways, saying nothing. It's so hard.  I know you all get it.

It's been over three years since leaving, and Overall a million times better- not scared anymore, risen again. But this has triggered me.

[notrightinthehead]

I sympathize.  It's hard to bite your tongue sometimes. I eventually stopped. I tried not to say anything nasty, just facts. And in the situation you describe I might have said, 'oh, interesting! Your fathers are similar.' and left it at that. In case he would have asked to clarify, I would have clarified, just facts and the truth. I started to believe that by keeping the silence I was enabling the narcissistic behaviour and I no longer wanted to do so.

I am glad you feel so much better.  This is just a small set back on your road to recovery.

[GettingOOTF]

It took me well into my 40s to even begin to see the truth about my father. When we grow up in these homes and with these parents these things are “normal”, we are conditioned from birth not to see them.

I recognized friends parents as alcoholics but only saw mine as alcoholics when I was in my 30s.

As children we have to learn to overlook a lot in order to feel safe in these situations. Our very survival depends on it. It takes a lot of hard work and looking at very painful things in order to see the truth.

I’m sure it is frustrating for you but it’s natural for your DS not to see his father for who he is.

There has been a lot written on how children adapt in these situations, how their brains keep them safe in unsafe situations. Maybe reading up on childhood development will help you to feel less triggered.

I’m glad your life is much better now. Mine is too. Hopefully your son finds his way too.

[Breadroll]

Thankyou for your responses- it helps to be heard. When not triggered, it's easy for me to know that ds must believe his father is «  good » to protect himself- thanks for reminder, I needed it.
After a nights sleep, woke up so thankful to be out of it. The trigger reminded me of all sorts of awfulness, the tension, not being allowed to sleep, waking up to find him glaring at in the middle  of the night., the monologues, some worse things I stuffed right down for survival...,oh gosh. And then I woke up in my own quiet bed, safe, calm, and made myself a coffee.
This board has been wonderful.

[GettingOOTF]

You are very strong, brave and caring to keep this inside instead of trying to force your son to see how awful his father is. He is lucky to have you in his life.