Codependency For Dummies by Darlene Lancer

[LemonLime]

Hi All,
I'm not quite finished with this one but I'm finding it very thorough and helpful.  The author is an attorney-turned-therapist and she had a narcissistic mother.  She is smart and science-based and I like the book (though I don't like the title so much).   I'm seeing so so much of my family......to the point that I can only read so much at any one time.  My stomach churns. 
Oh, I can only hope that I didn't pass too much of this crap onto my kids unintentionally.
I'm beginning to think that everyone ought to get a quick psych eval at age 18 so that the more egregious poor coping patterns can be identified and remedied before people go on to have their own children!   
All kidding aside, I sure wish someone had helped me understand what in the heck was going on in my family, and how it had affected me, way earlier in my life. 

[NarcKiddo]

Actually, I really do like your suggestion that everyone should get that psych eval.

My upbringing was so dysfunctional that I, at least, had an instinct not to have children. I didn't realise things weren't normal but I still managed to realise I could probably not trust myself with children, especially around my mother.

Now I do regret not having had children. I am not eaten up with sorrow or anything like that, because I am very much an "it is what it is" person. But at times it makes me sad and resentful.

I shall probably add that book to my reading list. Although all of the books I have been reading so far and the subject of PD issues are distressing to read. Partly because of the horrid realisation that all of this information was out there, and I was trudging along oblivious.

[treesgrowslowly]

Thanks for posting about this book LemonLime.

For me this book came into my life before I understood why my strategies as an adult were not leading to fulfilling relationships with others. This book became one in a series of steps towards finally understanding that as codependent, I stayed in relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable, and I didn't know how to 'see' that because of what excellent 'training' I got as a child, vis a vis being good at being codependent.

I think this book also helped me to see codependency as something you could definitely overcome and recover from. That it is not "who you are" but it is who you were forced to become, and be very good at.

I think this book is also the one that helped me to see that codependency develops in someone in response to a certain environment in childhood.

For those who have never read this book, some parts of it are online via the publisher's website. I believe it is also pretty easy to access via local libraries. This book is clear and straightforward. At the time it was first published, I am not sure there were a lot of other books like this around that wrote about codependency in a straightforward way.

https://www.dummies.com/article/body-mind-spirit/emotional-health-psychology/psychology/diagnoses/codependency/8-tips-for-handling-conflict-145672/

[escapingman]

I just finished this book and I would recommend everyone to read/listen to it. I had it free through my Audible membership.

I loved how it covers how to love your self and that you should love yourself more, that is something I have never done.

[LemonLime]

Glad to hear that you both enjoyed the book, Trees and Escapingman.    Trees, I can really relate to what you said about the book coming into your life before you realized the strategies you were using weren't leading to the relationships you wanted as an adult.

I'm really in a huge discovery phase in terms of knowing myself.  The past 3 years have been an awakening for me, in my mid-50's.   And I guess I can thank my coverrtN sister for raging at me so hard that I felt that I'd physically been slapped in the face and punched in the gut.    Wake up, LemonLime!   I guess that was my wake-up call.  So I Googled and dived into finding out what in the heck was going on with HER, and it led me to finding out what was going on with ME.  It's taken several years, but my picture of my FOO and myself has changed considerably in my mind.

I used to think I had super-nice but wussy parents and a genetically angry sib who had unexplained resentment toward my mom and me.   A sib who exploded like  Old Faithful, nearly on schedule.  Predictably.   But that overall my family was relatively healthy compared with many who were dealing with addictions and abuse.

Now I see I have emotionally immature parents.   Though very "nice" they did not do all their parent duties well.  Mom very codependent due to her upbringing by 2 alcoholics and the emotional neglect she likely endured but won't talk about and won't deal with.   This lack of emotional maturity led to them raising an entitled firstborn, who then developed the delusion that her younger sibling LemonLime was the devil's spawn.   This was obvious in my family but was never called out, and never dealt with.    So, like a beach ball pushed under the water, the monster resurfaced at the other end of the pool and now I get to deal with the fallout.  Nobody else seems to think they need therapy, so I am doing the therapy for the whole family.    Partly because I'm determined not to pass the generational trauma onto my kids.

The Codependency book was like a holy grail for me.   It explains my push/pull with romantic relationships all my life.  My fear of intimacy.  My inability to meet someone "right" for me.   I see now that I was absolutely terrified of anyone emotionally available.   I went to therapists in my 20's, but none ever seemed to call out my FOO as being where my issues all started.  They seemed to agree I had a good family overall and never asked the questions that would have  led to me understanding what the heck was going on and how I could improve the situation.   Not blaming the T's really.......just sort of amazed that in spite of my total determination to figure this out, the root cause escaped me until middle age.

It's quite the realization.  It's sort of a relief and horrifying all at once.   It's like seeing what you thought was a small spot of mold on the wall and discovering the whole wall is rotted once you break into it.  And that there are rats and creepy-crawlies.    It explains the weird noises you were hearing at night but.......sheesh.  I have felt confused, discombobulated, angry, relieved, empowered, and sad about this.

Back to the book, I think D. Lancer does a very good job of being very clear and specific.   The ideas in this book are fundamental to good relationships, and yet I believe very few people are fortunate enough to have a FOO that models or teaches this stuff.   It's like 90% of us are walking around with blindfolds on and don't even know it.


I wish some of this stuff was required reading in schools.  Even if one is lucky enough to not have a lot of codependency in their FOO, codependency is absolutely rampant in our society.   Being able to recognize the traits is crucial to avoid being sucked into it.    As you say, Trees, we were trained in it so well, it's was like the water we swam in.  A fish doesn't know it's swimming in water.   What chance did we have of finding healthy relationships when we didn't even know what one looked like?