Such a Strange Journey

[Boat Babe]

Thank you for sharing this Bloomie - so many  .  Wishing you and DH so much strength. Also, make space for yourselves to recover once this is all over. Much love.

[bloomie]

Amazing how the foundational narcissistic PD motive of 'self' rules the disordered, even in the face of a time of loss and compassion for the truly suffering. 

SoT

So very true, SoT! It appears to be bone deep and mind saturated with self. 

[bloomie]

Hi Bloomie,

I am so grateful for your wisdom and the kind, supportive, and insightful messages I received from my fellow out-of-foggers when my FIL passed. The noise and triggers and upset brought my own marriage to the brink, and made me look really hard at who I was and what I wanted and how I wanted to move forward in the world.

Count me in as another one grateful for the wisdom and compassion we all find here at Out of the FOG!

I'm here with you as your in law enters end of life care and your sil falls hard into her most destructive patterns. We are once again on a similar journey; my mil is losing memory and sil is taking every opportunity to swindle money, property, anything ... while confusing and complicating mil's care.

I'm sitting this one out. I want to be able to comfort my kids when their Grandma passes and support my DH in the loss of his surviving parent. The only way I can do that is stay as far away from all of it as possible. DH is in contact, and I  at some of sil's schemes, but not one iota comes into my home, my peace of mind, or between us.

I am in awe of your wisdom and how you know what you need to do. My priority is also supporting my DH and family and that is far more involved than I have been for a very long time up close with all of the dysfunction. I am also determined to be another one who doesn't allow this to come into our home and peace. Let's stand together in that!! 

My hopes for you, Bloomie, is that your mil passes in peace, that your sil's behavior does not disturb that peace too much, and that you and your DH weather this storm with the same love, grace, and commitment that you have established over the course of your partnership.

Sitting here with you!

Thank you! You echo my hopes and prayers!

[bloomie]

Thank you for sharing this Bloomie - so many  .  Wishing you and DH so much strength. Also, make space for yourselves to recover once this is all over. Much love.

Thank you, Boat Babe! Your tag line: "It gets better. It has to." is inspiring to me today!

[bloomie]

The cracks in the GC's and mil's relationship are showing. Watching two highly ego centric people navigate such a huge shift in the balance of their relationship is as awkward as can be.

Mil and Sil have closed ranks as long as I have known them. (a long time) According to DH, early life in their home was a full on cat fight between these two. At some point there seems to have been a tacit truce called and the decades that followed have Sil firmly ensconced as GC. Sil dominating and being fawned over and Mil submitting and placating, allowing herself to be spoken to disrespectfully and used, always refusing to acknowledge anything but butterflies and rainbows over them both as long as sil played the game of carefully crafting the appearance of having made very similar life choices and to hold identical beliefs and views as mil. Validating her in return. Quid pro quo.

Mil is not capable of fawning and lavishing gifts and experiences on sil and her family any longer. Mil also seems incapable of hiding her exhaustion with sil's off key, out of sync, often baffoonish behaviors. Things that seem to have been foundational to their tacit truce.  And Sil seems to be incapable of hiding her insensitivity and what appears to be deep seated animosity toward her mother. 

Sil has left the scene for awhile and within an hour of her leaving mil began saying sil was very uncomfortable for her to deal with right now. She doesn't want to speak with her on the phone and when she did finally agree to do so, mil told sil it was uncomfortable for her to be around sil right now and that she had been telling "everyone that". Gulp! The back and forth went on for awhile with mil repeating herself.

As if it wasn't uncomfortable enough to be unable to remove ourselves from one side of the conversation, DH turns to me and says something like... "that probably hurt sil's feelings. I think I should call her and try to explain what mom was trying to say."

And that, dear friends, in a nutshell, is what enmeshment and the ingrained belief that discomfort is always a bad thing and we are responsible for the feelings of others, looks like.  DH's knee jerk reaction was to see his sister as some kind of victim. Her very favorite role in life is as a victim. 

DH's knee jerk response was to go toward someone who is one of the least safe people he has ever had in his life, who has done a great deal of harm to him and our family.   

To be fair, mil handled saying what she wanted to say poorly it was pretty awk to hear. And to also be fair, she is in extreme pain and barely hanging on and cannot deal with the histrionics and noise, doesn't want to talk on the phone to anyone, and she is OLD on top of it all. Really old.

My response to DH was "let's give it a minute and think that through".   

 

[SonofThunder]

Wow Bloomie. So powerful that you are able to well-understand all the personalities and motives involved.  Hopefully your DH accepted your wisdom regarding those purposefully magnetic, drama triangle victim-behaviors, meant to draw attention toward SiL's self.

Sad yet interesting when a PD's motive's rise out of the needed decency in these types of situations and the awkwardness ensues. 

SoT

[bloomie]

Thank you SOT for reminding me of the drama triangle! So good to keep that in the forefront of my mind in the coming days!!

DH did not call his sister and it seems like he has worked through why he had thought to down that road and hopefully understand himself better.