Navigating family occasions and obligation to attend

[KeepMyselfAwake]

Hi all,
I've been dealing with my undiagnosed PDsister (I think covert narcissist) for nearly two years now. Things were fairly "normal" before we had a falling out, but there's always been signs of the PD underneath.

One thing I'm struggling to cope with of late is the expectation my family seems to have set on me to be the one who invites myself to things, when they are never the ones to instigate and actively leave me out. My mother is very guilty of this - she never calls me unless I accidentally leave it too long (over a month), and had verbally told me that I need to invite myself over to her house. I wasn't brought up that way and it's very jarring to be told this in my 30s and I feel uncomfortable doing so. I've had to do it though as I feel otherwise both my sister and mother would never invite me! I moved in with my partner which somewhat changed the family dynamic in that my family are actively rude to her and not understanding of her autism and the fact she doesn't like big groups either; I don't want to expose her any more than necessary to that, nor bombard my partner with suggesting my parents visit that often when she doesn't even see her own family that much, and my sister can no longer visit (even if we were friendly) as we have a dog and she's allergic.

My sister basically admitted last year she was punishing me for not being around more at a hard time in her life but I wasn't available as I was dealing with my own changes (she was very unsympathetic of mine and belittled me for being stressed about them) and she felt I had "making up to do" as her excuse for not planning anything when I'd truly just felt overwhelmed. Prior to the falling out she was very social and always planning dinners and outings. Around that time too she also yelled at me that she didn't want me in her house, and as such she's never given me vibes I'm truly welcome since then when I have visited, and she's stonewalled and been cold to me when I did see her. Social occasions in my family often feel more like obligations than an actual desire to have a nice time sadly and I kept being pressured to "make the effort" with her despite what it was doing to my mental health and I kept coming away feeling like I'd done something wrong and was an awful person. I'm now in therapy fortunately and doing a lot better and am seeing a lot of the behaviour for what it is and doing my best to not let it get to me. Mine and my sister's relationship is cordial now and we see each other about once a month (usually at my request now) but there's a distance and I've realised our conversations never really went that deep and the extent to which I would share about my own life was never reciprocal, and as such I've pulled back more in that regard as it was starting to feel like information gathering. She doesn't respond to texts of mine for a week+ which my mother has tried to defend as her being "busy" with work and her baby, yet she'll reply to group messages straight away. I know despite this I'm most probably being painted as being the one who doesn't make an effort.

In the last year I've heard of a couple of occasions where extended family are visiting my parents and my sister's family the same day, who live quite close by. In each case I wasn't told about it until after it had been planned. It was on a work day, but I could easily take time off, and I wasn't even asked if I was available. I was quite upset the first time but didn't let on. My spouse encouraged me to be more independent and I messaged my extended relative to ask if they'd like to come over afterwards briefly but they declined (their wife is afraid of dogs yet will have lunch at my parents who have a small but badly behaved dog - ours is bigger but very obedient). My sister must have caught wind of this as only then did I get an invitation. The second time I didn't hear about the meetup until after their visit, and again I was quite hurt but didn't say anything. I feel like with the new family dynamic revolving around my sister's baby and my parents wanting to be doting grandparents, I'm often left out and offered no opportunity to join in.

As it's Christmas season, the same has happened again. They've planned to visit, I've not been included. I only heard about it through my mother. Apparently my sister has said I can come over and my mother has said I should "ask her" myself. I feel like she's got no patience or sympathy with me and wants to be in my sister's good books. It feels crazy that this is happening. It feels like a weird power play of my sister's to leave me out, and I feel she may want me to ask to come (supply). I do want to see my extended family but at the same time, they haven't made any effort to see me and I've suggested we visit them separately next year as they still have yet to meet my partner. We're not very close but only see each other once or twice a year. I'm slowly getting better at asserting my boundaries but I'm definitely struggling with this one and feel very angry and stressed about it on the whole. If you've made it this far, thank you! I'm just wondering if anyone had any thoughts on how I should navigate this situation?

[Poison Ivy]

I sympathize with you in these difficult family dynamics.

I have a few questions and thoughts. (1) Do you want to spend more time with your family? It seems as though you don't like them very much. (I'm not judging; I have relatives whom I don't like and whom I'm happy to not spend time with.) (2) Are you willing to invite family members to your home? I don't particularly like to host things at my home, but if that were the only way to see someone whom I wanted to see, I would accept having the person or people at my home for a few hours. (3) I always ask family members whether it's okay if I visit them, even my sister, who has been living with our mom for the past three years and who expects me to visit every week. (4) I think that issues regarding who is going to call whom, how often calls will be made, who is going to visit whom, etc., are challenging to navigate for many families when the children become adults.

[walking on broken glass]

My sister definitely uses her relationship with other relatives as a power play. I like very few people from the extended family but she wants to show that she keeps to the old values like a good daughter and makes a point of visiting and calling everyone when she is back at my parents' place (she lives abroad). Also she doesn't have any friends so she definitely has more time to waste!

Having said that, you mention that you are not very close to these relatives, so why would you want to see them? If you invited them separately and they don't make an effort to meet you, should you really worry about meeting them?

Sorry for being blunt but sometimes we are caught up in the family dynamics without thinking if we really like the extended family and value spending time with them or it is just the idea that families should come together that has been instilled in us and we haven't shaken off. My advice would be to not cultivate one-sided relationships because it is exhausting and draining. Reserve your energy for people that value your company and would make an effort to meet you.

[Cat of the Canals]

My advice would be to not cultivate one-sided relationships because it is exhausting and draining. Reserve your energy for people that value your company and would make an effort to meet you.

This. I understand how it hurts to feel left out, but it kind of seems like some of your family members (your sister, in particular) are doing so on purpose. I wouldn't want to spend time with anyone who behaved that way toward me.

[bloomie]

KeepMyselfAwake - hello there! Welcome to Out of the FOG! I am glad you shared the challenge, confusion, and hurt that can come when contact and reciprocity, inclusion in family events becomes weaponized.

In loving and good enough families, a reasonable level of reciprocity is present. Thougthfulness, mannerliness, inclusion happens pretty regularly, if not perfectly. There is consideration and care taken with the feelings of everyone involved.

There is nothing wrong with reaching out and initiating visits and such, but when there is no give and take and we are not pursued as others are it can hollow us out inside and create undeserved hurt.

I have learned the very hard way to stop going toward people who do not seem to truly want to be part of my life. Whoever they are. I have learned to stop being the one and only to initiate and maintain the connection and relationship. To match energy and soul effort with theirs, if that makes sense?

For my own peace of mind and health I have accepted what I cannot change, there are those in my FOO that choose to not reach out and include me or seem to want to spend time with me. It hurts, but it hurts more to keep allowing myself to be disregarded like this.

I didn't make a big statement or anything, I have just quietly adjusted my thinking around these relationships, grieved the hurt of the feeling of not belonging, and shifted my energy to relationships with people who have shown they want to be in my life. It is a process, but you are heading forward with your life as you get support and make changes you need to make. Bravo to you for doing that!

So glad you are here! Again, welcome!! Keep us posted as to how you are doing over the holidays!

[moglow]

...verbally told me that I need to invite myself over to her house. I wasn't brought up that way and it's very jarring to be told this in my 30s and I feel uncomfortable doing so. I've had to do it though as I feel otherwise both my sister and mother would never invite me!

I mean - does she not understand how this all came to be?? You can't very well attend gatherings of which you're unaware, plus seriously. People who want us around and be included, INVITE US. I'm the world's worst/best at isolating because that's what I want to do 90% of the time, but why invite myself where I don't really feel wanted in the first place? They can't even bother to pretend? Okay, then don't complain when you don't ask.

[KeepMyselfAwake]

Wow I didn't expect so many replies, thank you everybody who did!
I did end up attending, I swallowed my pride and asked to go along. I thought if I chose not to it would reflect poorly on me. I get on fairly well with my aunt, but my uncle has never fostered much of a relationship with me as an adult, nor I with him and perhaps I should make more of an effort there. It was a bit awkward on the whole though, and there was a stab to the gut just before I left when my niece, who I see once every month or two, pointed at me and asked who I was. This is the second time she's done it, and I can't help but think my sister makes no effort to tell her who I am before I visit, and nobody corrected her (not even me as I was embarrassed).

I got to skip my other family Christmas plans this year as I have COVID. My partner of two and a half years was never planning to come along anyway as they treat her pretty poorly, so she now just opts not to attend which I'm sure they take as a great insult. My parents and sister don't hide their dislike of her and their unkindness and exclusion shines through and it makes us both very sad. We did a doorstep gift exchange, and my sister had no gift for my partner, and my mother chose this year to not give us a "both of you" or "daughter and partner" card, but gave a multipack card to my partner, didn't even have my stepdad sign it himself, and just wrote "from". It just feels so deliberately cold.

I tried to say to my partner that they likely see it as a sleight that she doesn't see them much. Granted, I don't invite my parents around much either as that's always a big stress, and as I said in my OP they don't initiate much in the way of plans either. But I go straight to thinking what we did wrong, not that their actions are unreasonable. I completely understand my partner advocating for herself and choosing not to spend time with people who are that mean. My family haven't liked her much even before they met as I told them some things about her background and I think they judged her thinking that she wasn't good enough in terms of her income, living situation, disability etc (for me, I'm very proud she's come through it all and was independent, but I appreciate I should have kept some things private - I've now learnt about boundaries!). It doesn't matter how nice she is, how kind or funny, it doesn't make a difference. They have no room or understanding for her neurodivergence. I think they blame her for making me not being as available as I used to be, when I'm just living my life, and crucially now for putting my guard up around them now I've seen their behaviour. She also called them out for not supporting me better when my mental health wasn't doing well from my sister's harsh treatment of me and I think my parents felt disrespected. We're convinced if we were a straight couple they'd be slightly more pleasant too! My partner reminded me that it's their issue, not something for me to fix, as I always look inwardly and think have I messed up in some way. I think I just have ingrained in me a lot of expectations of what family should look like, and it's a sad reality that my family are incapable of that. I struggle a lot with the fact these are people who will be in my life forever, and they make no effort to welcome the person I've chosen to spend my life with and therefore miss out on getting to know someone who I think is pretty great. And I've had some realisations recently seeing how understanding my friends are of my partner not always feeling up for socialising,  contrasting with how my family react, and even just other people's understanding of autism and how my family don't bother to educate themselves.

I'm already dreading the next few months as there are so many family birthdays. Last year my sister avoided being anywhere near me at my own birthday dinner, and turned her back on my girlfriend when she tried to engage. At my parents birthday dinner a couple of weeks later, my sister snapped at my partner in front of the whole table when she tried to make a joke. I'm just really resenting that I feel this obligation to spend time with people who are just quite unpleasant and uncaring of mine and my partner's feelings. I have the odd nice time with my parents but then I notice the shitty behaviour and it makes me sad all over again. I think they want me to spend so much more time with them but I'm navigating having boundaries for the first time in my life, and trying to protect my relationship too from behaviours that I used to let just wash over me.

[Cat of the Canals]

I think they want me to spend so much more time with them...

They want you to spend more time with them, yet they seem to purposely exclude you, they definitely purposely exclude your partner, and find a myriad of other ways to treat you poorly. No sane person would want to spend time with these people!

It's really a very simple math problem: treat people with kindness and respect, and they will enjoy your company. Treat people like garbage, and they will (and should) avoid you like the plague. The problem is PDs have it all backward and think they get to behave however they want, treat you as an afterthought or worse, and then expect you to hold out your bowl and say, "Please sir, can I have some more?"

If you haven't read Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, by Lindsay Gibson, I highly recommend it.

[walking on broken glass]

It's really good that you are putting boundaries in place and you hold people accountable for their behaviour. Keep doing that!

[Breakthrough]

I can relate to quite a few things you said in your post.  I agree that boundaries are key.  How much time and effort do you want to spend on family if they are not pleasant to be around?  Just because you are related doesn't mean you are obligated to spend time with them.  I have learned that the key with PD individuals is setting up your own personal boundaries regarding how often you interact with them if at all.  If a PD family member is too disruptive to your family, then even resorting to no contact is reasonable.  I only see my family a few times a year at most bc the travel is expensive, and like you, I sometimes have to invite myself and I always have to go to them, they don't come to visit me.  I continue to do this despite the unpleasantness for me because my kids enjoy seeing family and I want to see nephews and nieces.  It's costly for us and we aren't made to feel welcome, but it's okay for short periods of time every now and then. Limit time and set boundaries.  I often felt left out, but I realize now I feel that way even when I go to family events, and that's never going to change.  What I can change is how I process that emotion and how I react to the triggers that I experience when I am in the company of my family.