The Season for MIL Butt-Kissing

[BettyGray]

Mostly just a need to vent, but we are in the season of MIL butt-kissing. I have had an increasingly difficult time dealing with MIL’s utter selfish nonsense. I see her as seldom as possible, and have made great strides with DH. He knows how she is, recognized her patterns of manipulation and love-bombing post lashing out. He is slowly putting up boundaries but struggling. But I do feel he is squarely on my side, even if NC isn’t on the table. We are LC, thankfully.

A couple of weekends ago was her 75th birthday. Luckily her niece offered to throw a party so we didn’t have to. And luckily there were enough people there that I was able to avoid her for most of it. But seeing her relish being the center of attention was yucky at best. Funny thing is, her niece wanted to play a game where everyone had to write down something nice on a scrap of paper and put it in a basket. At dinner, niece read them aloud and MIL had to guess who wrote each one.

Funniest moment was me, DH, his brother, my 14 yo niece and 10 year old nephew, aling with another cousin, all stared blankly at one another trying hard to think of something nice to say. Then we all burst out laughing at how difficult it was. 

Telling, though. Nephew’s contribution was “crazy!”, until his parents told him he couldn’t just write that. So he added at the bottom “....awesome.” But I could tell he would have been happy to just write “crazy.” Meaning high-strung, hyper, obsessive anxiety, etc.

Niece took the longest, finally settling on “makes the best pancakes.”  DH struggled too, until he decided on “her heart is in the right place,” which I consider to be one of those underhanded, condescending complements. He confirmed I was right- what he really meant was “she is a really different, screwed up, childish, selfish, controlling harpy... but not a completely horrendous person.

I tried very hard to come up with anything. Finally gave in and wrote “generous (true but totally conditional, entitled, and quid pro quo) and enthusiastic (hyper, annoying and loud). For some reason she seemed to like mine best of all. The most hilarious was “is a great mom...just kidding”... followed by something innocuous and impersonal, written by DH’s brother. And the cousin, always the clown, said “has the ability to raise the volume of the room with her laugh.” Meaning “obnoxious,” which she is.

Now it’s Easter, her favorite holiday... and then the dreaded Mother’s Day in a few weeks. She is particularly selfish on MD, expecting it to be all about her. She almost gets offended that my SIL wants a day of her own with her own children. A few years ago, niece and nephew wanted to make breakfast for their mom for MD, meaning MIL’s celebration would have to wait until later in the day. You would have thought they had set fire to her home, she was so dramatic about it. God forbid she have to share the spotlight with someone else on HER day. Solidified my decision not to have children- what a nightmare THAT would have been - between my NPD mom and her I don’t think I would have survived. I commend all of you who are carrying that additional burden.

Anyway, one down, two to go. Wish me luck and same to all of you in the butt-kissing season. 

[Spring Butterfly]

So it has a season, yes makes sense. It sounds like everyone had some sense of humor and even a few giggles despite the difficulty. You all sounds like you're at least on the same page and a bit in cahoots with one another!

[Pepin]

Now it's Easter, her favorite holiday... and then the dreaded Mother's Day in a few weeks. She is particularly selfish on MD, expecting it to be all about her. She almost gets offended that my SIL wants a day of her own with her own children. A few years ago, niece and nephew wanted to make breakfast for their mom for MD, meaning MIL's celebration would have to wait until later in the day. You would have thought they had set fire to her home, she was so dramatic about it. God forbid she have to share the spotlight with someone else on HER day. Solidified my decision not to have children- what a nightmare THAT would have been - between my NPD mom and her I don't think I would have survived. I commend all of you who are carrying that additional burden.

Anyway, one down, two to go. Wish me luck and same to all of you in the butt-kissing season.

I hope Easter went smoothly for you.  We managed to escape having to celebrate with PDmil and even did not have to see her the day before either.  Next weekend has some busy components and maybe we can get out of seeing her then as well?  Though DH likely will likely go on his own.

Yes, the dreaded MD is now officially on the horizon!  I find it fascinating that PDmil chooses to celebrate with DH rather than DH's sister for as long as I have been a Mother (17 years).  I wonder what that means?!  Like your MIL, mine expects it to be all about her.  That means going out and eating the food that she likes from a handful of restaurants that she frequents.  Any time we have gone elsewhere to celebrate it has been either a disaster or she becomes silent because she feels out of her element.  Since she refused to learn to read English, DH helps her with the menu and orders for her.  Though she usually offers to pay with her credit card, DH signs the receipt and does the tip for her... because she doesn't know how to do the math. 

IDK how I feel about MD coming up but I am likely not going to tag along with DH.  Done with that.  He and his sister can go together for a change for all I care.  Typically SIL celebrates with her husband's family -- who have been mostly open and welcoming at every holiday. 

Any day I don't have to see or interact with PDmil is a win for me.