Coronavirus guilt

[Jenny134]

Hello, just wondering if anyone else is feeling more pressure to break NC with coronavirus on the horizon.
My uNPDm has underlying health issues and I think there is a strong chance she wouldnt survive it.
I'm not feeling any strong urge to break NC but it has been playing on my mind how would i feel if in a few weeks she's gone.
I suppose im feeling guilty that im not feeling compelled to reach out to her and my enF.
A realisation I guess that it is definitely broken forever if such a risk doesnt change the status quo.

[xredshoesx]

let's look at the other side of the coin.  suppose you visit her, and she gets exposed and she gives it to you.

i can't speak for anyone but myself, but i can't afford to stay home from work for two weeks for the self-quarantine. 

another perspective- a close friend had the flu and her mother is in a nursing care facility- they wouldn't let her visit for a specific number of days to lessen the chance that she had been exposed.

in this situation, not visiting someone with already compromised health may be the wisest thing to do-

[_apparentlywicked]

Morning Jenny

Same thoughts here. The feeling of guilt would make sense if there was anything to work with, like if you'd had a silly argument and hadn't spoken for a while but they were otherwise a normal person.

They way I see it this situation highlights the stark difference between me and my NPD dad. I worry about him suffering from some outside force, the Corona virus, whereas he has actually deliberately caused me suffering as a child and adult and has failed to protect me.

It would make sense if there was anything to reach out to. In reality if I reach out to him there is nothing to gain. He WILL abuse me. It's his default setting. I hope he doesn't get it, I wish him well but I can't have him in my life. That's just the way it is. It would be like adopting a crocodile as a pet and then me being surprised when it snaps my leg off.

Without having a pd events like this make us worry about those we love and those who love us. With a PD an event like this is just an opportunity for supply. Or a risk to supply. The response you're having is foriegn to your NPD mum in the same way it's foreign to my NPD dad. There's none of the mutuality that you have in your healthy relationships, where you can set differences aside for the greater good. All the pd wants is to feel above and better than you, and for you to think that too through their abuse, manipulation, gaslighting and triangulation.

Chances are there will be many of these issues that have the potential to unsettle us but the reality is their pd is never off duty. No events will make any inroads into their dysfunction.

❤️❤️

[GettingOOTF]

I was going to post this.

My grandfather lost his parents and most of his siblings during the Spanish Flu. The local graveyard is full of my relatives from that time. My father mentioned it frequently and often said that some kind of flu would “get us all”. I know he will be worried and he’s older with more than a few of the risks.

I posted about this on another thread. A few years ago my father had a serious health issue. Everyone including him and the doctors thought he would die. I had hoped he’d reflect and maybe say something kind and loving. He was awful. I was still quite FOGgy so cut him some slack. Before he went into surgery he called me and said some awful things. He really was given a second chance and again I thought this would cause him to reflect and make some changes. He got worse.

I believe this is how he would behave if I reached out. I think I’ve made peace with the fact that I won’t see or speak to him again. Part of me feels that once he goes there may be some chance of healing between the siblings. I know he doesn’t love or care about me. He’s incapable of speaking to me without saying something cruel.

When my mother died I mourned less for her and more for the relationship we could have had and now never would. Her death also brought me some kind of freedom to move on. I feel that this will be what it’s like when my father dies. Even though I’m NC it still weighs on me and shows up in my life in a hundred different ways. At some point I will have an “acceptable” reason for not going back for holidays etc.

[_apparentlywicked]

At some point I will have an "acceptable" reason for not going back for holidays etc.

I hear you. Right now the only way I could have a relationship with him is if i didn't care about being hurt over and over. But I do care. At least by not seeing him I'm no longer desperately trying to empty a sinking boat while he's smashing holes in the bottom. I'm not letting him add more water.

[BeanerJane]

When I think about what it would be like to have my BPDm live with me it triggers my fight or flight response. There is nothing and I mean NOTHING she would like more than to queen about my house, criticizing and demanding service. She'd have us all to herself to triangulate, berate, and lecture. When I think about the zombie apocalypse and having two choices:  Either live with her in captivity/quarantine or try to survive outside with the zombies I choose zombies every time.

So no, I don't have any pressing desire to break contact. She's on her own.

[Andeza]

I've been following this thing, as a matter of curiosity, for quite some time now. For the vast majority of healthy people under 60, it's not bad at all. Most won't even know they've had it.

As usual, those over 60, or already sickly, are at the greatest risk. So of course, I had a moment of worrying about my UbpdM, who is supposedly in very poor health, and is 63.

Then I remembered.... For all my life, growing up around her, I would get colds, and the flu, but she never did. I can't remember a single time!

So I rethought it all and decided that odds are good she's going to be fine. And if not? Well, the day was going to come eventually and I'll just have to make peace with it when it does.

Seems like many pwpds live to a ripe old age, come what may!  meanwhile, we have to make the choice that protects us. Because when they really are sick, not just making it up for attention, that's when they are at their worst.

[Pepin]

Seems like many pwpds live to a ripe old age, come what may! 

  This has been my experience.  Seems that colds and other ailments just don't want to touch these people and they live long past the median age for their gender.  Corona Virus or not, still painting NC with NF.  He's already played the cancer and heart attack cards and obviously survived.  As for PDmil, she is glued to the TV and has everyone else do stuff for her so she is in no danger...*sigh*

[p123]

Got to admit surprised my Dad hasn't convinced himself he's got it. That'll be next....

[Andeza]

It's actually not in the best interest of the health waify pds to get it. The mandatory two week quarantine means no visitors, which in turn means no supply. I wouldn't be surprised if they fail to report infections and happily share it with their families.

Sharing is not caring in this case...

[_apparentlywicked]

Give it time 123! 🤷😁

[Pepin]

It's actually not in the best interest of the health waify pds to get it. The mandatory two week quarantine means no visitors, which in turn means no supply. I wouldn't be surprised if they fail to report infections and happily share it with their families.

Sharing is not caring in this case...

OMG this....!  Can you imagine them not having supply?  And for the record, I know of PDs that refuse to see MDs for contagious ailments.  It is amazing how selfish they are!

It is not that PDs are unaware about anything: they just don't care.

[p123]

It's actually not in the best interest of the health waify pds to get it. The mandatory two week quarantine means no visitors, which in turn means no supply. I wouldn't be surprised if they fail to report infections and happily share it with their families.

Sharing is not caring in this case...

Hmm good point. Have to watch out for that!

[p123]

Give it time 123! 🤷😁

Well he had a "cold" which. in his head, was a serious life threatening illness last week, so I am surprised.

Its like waiting for the bomb to drop at the moment!

[DreamingofQuiet]

I am experiencing this, though I am LC, not NC. I have tried to address it with my dad a couple of times, and he's ignoring it/poo poo-ing it. Granted, he's got a lot on his mind with my mother being in hospital with a heart condition, about to be transferred to a nursing facility. But that being the case, she's a sitting duck for exposure! She seems blissfully unaware, but if my dad's not worried about something, she doesn't worry. They are sooo enmeshed. It's hard for me to watch.

I told them I would come up to visit this weekend, but I am dreading it. I may change my mind. But then what if they go into quarantine. Is this my last chance to visit? And even if that's the case (as melodramatic as that sounds) I feel even more guilty for STILL not wanting to go.

Ugh. I feel I am not handling this whole pandemic situation very well, and I think my ambivalent feelings towards my elderly, vulnerable PD parents plays no small part in it.

DoQ

[_apparentlywicked]

I feel I am not handling this whole pandemic situation very well

Who told you that you weren't handling it well? (Have you been programmed to judge yourself super harshly?) Yes you're stressed because you're not a psychopath and have genuine love for other people. Being stressed doesn't mean you're not handling it.

You're talking to safe people about it, that's good self care. 

[_apparentlywicked]

My dad listens to a lot of radio. I can imagine him listening to the issue unfolding and thinking 'she'll come round, she'll be wanting to visit me now, she'll forget about what I did'. What he won't be thinking is 'i've been so horrible to her, I should say sorry'. It's another example of how he abuses the empathy in us. Because he doesn't have it he has learnt that many many times people overlook treatment they shouldn't because they hate conflict.

Only I'm not going. There is nothing I want to say to him.

[p123]

My dad listens to a lot of radio. I can imagine him listening to the issue unfolding and thinking 'she'll come round, she'll be wanting to visit me now, she'll forget about what I did'. What he won't be thinking is 'i've been so horrible to her, I should say sorry'. It's another example of how he abuses the empathy in us. Because he doesn't have it he has learnt that many many times people overlook treatment they shouldn't because they hate conflict.

Only I'm not going. There is nothing I want to say to him.

Yeh Dads the same. Never sees what hes done.

If he can somehow use this to his advantage he will. If he tells me he has got it - I'll be getting him supplies, opening the front door, putting them on his chair lift and sending them up stairs. (he lives in a flat, downstairs front door, living room 1st floor, bedroom 2nd floor). Be like they used to do in leper colonies....

[_apparentlywicked]

What he will do 123 is make sure only you can do what he needs doing. Only you can do xyz for him. In reality many people can but he wants you to do it.

If your dad didn't need any help would he worry that he won't see you at all, because he must recognise on some level that he doesn't actually have a relationship with you. I just remember how much dad fought against a care home. I wondered if he knew that if there was no need for us to do xyz for him that we might be more aware that there isn't a relationship at all there? 

We've had this thing with newspapers at the care home. He expects sib to take newspapers. He will not even begin to countenance having it delivered every day.  You know why. It's not like he wants to see sib and ask her about her life, (I told you before he has never shown any interest in his grandkids thankfully.) He just wants to make her feel awful by moaning about his life. He also wants the staff to see her visit. So transparent.

[Andeza]

Apparently wicked, I'm glad you brought up care homes. If anyone has a relative in a nursing, assisted living, care home, or any other facility full of elderly people... Don't go at all if you can help it. If you do go, sanitize hands before entering, avoid prolonged contact with anyone there, try not to breathe on anybody, etc.

People in those facilities are at greatest risk, not going at all is actually showing the greatest love and support in this particular situation.