Mother attempts to make me feel guilty

[Ladymm]

Hi all,

I have two weeks off work and im just home. Last years was the same case and my mother called me to take care of her dogs. This year I said no dogs. Also she didn't leave me the dog when she went on a holiday. She was crying how she payed more for the hotel than their own travel etc but I dont give a damn, they re well off.

As the dog thing cant be used today she called me to officially ask me how I am BUT the point was to tell me that my grandma feels bad in the old citizens home where she lives and hiw she doesnt have food and is hungry because the food there is so disgusting she doesnt eat and she cant leave the bed because her knee hurts. She said I should visit her. How my father visits her every day and his sister (her daughter) never. The daughter has depression I said. But I get the feeling that she judges her anyway. Or at least she uses this to emphasize she is a hero for taking care or something.

Also she said that old people are like children and that the family should look after them. I told her I don't agree with this, because as long a sthey can do things and have a clear mind they can do whatever they want.

And my grandma does. Just her knee hurts. I feel my mother wants to show the world how everybody takes care of grandma how she struggles and hiw she organizes all.

I visited her one week ago and she didn't complain about the food. And if she doesn't like the food she CAN complain. She pays for her stay there.

I feel my mother is trying to press my guilt and obligation buttons.

My moral compass spins to my mothers magnets. She found this dog/grandma subject and hiw their life is shit because im neglecting them.

I don't want to go see grandma just because my mother tells me so.

Your views?thanks!!!

[JingleBells]

Sorry to hear you mother spinning guilt on you.

My mother is a martyr too. Had "depression" as she was being made redundant from her 1 day a week job so was off sick 6 months. Then "retired" but not old enough for pension so this just means not working. Now has started walking with a crutch or getting my father to push her in wheelchair. She manages to go on long luxury vacations (paid for by my father) and luckily the symptoms improve mysteriously for the duration and she is well enough to walk around and visit restaurants and take selfies with various glasses of wine and posh meals.

However, when i (single mum) was selling my house she lamented sadly she wished she was well enough to help me clean my house. Obviously its filthy(!) She is well enough to go out for meals/shopping/theatre but not to watch my 2 tween kids. She cancelled the only time i had asked her in 4 months as she was "busy".

I've had enough of it now. Ive been the outsider my whole life and she was quick to tell me as a little kid i had bad blood because her first husband (biofather) cheated on her and left her and me. So she is a saint for looking after me and despite always being cold towards me we "are very close" 😨.

I feel a lot of hurt as im rarely invited to "family" stuff. My siblings can never do any wrong but the moment i express annoyance at a cancellation of a plan for example, she is crying, calling round all the family, 'what a terrible daughter yet i still love her....' and encouraging my useless slob of a brother to send me threats and messaging my partner to run me down too.

The latest is that i obviously am having some kind of mental breakdown or otherwise mentally ill.

Not to mention how ive now "ruined Christmas" as we were not invited and she turned down my 2 invites xmas and new year, it should make little difference!!

[Spring Butterfly]

Yes this is how PD persons attempt to control and get their way - Fear Obligation Guilt (FOG) because in reality they have no real power.

You're an adult making your own choices what's good for you and you alone. So is your mom and so is your gma. Everyone is responsible for their own selves and in control of what they do, don't do or agree to do. No one can make you.

When I arrived here I didn't get that - someone had to actually ask me "what exactly will she do? Make you go to bed without dinner? Send you to your room? " No there is no power unless we choose to give it to them.

You're doing the right thing making your own choices AND setting other adults free to make theirs even if you don't agree with or like their choices (or in this case your mom doesn't agree with your gma). That's good boundaries. Check out the toolbox topic in boundaries and also the Working On Us forum sticky post.

[No.]

I really feel you on this, Lady. I've felt this coming from both Nm and EnD (they are divorced and in other LT relationships). I struggled a lot with this before going NC with Nm, and her mom, my GM, also N, was still alive. Also, my dad has always put pressure on my and my sis to say and do things for horrible Nsm.

I think, like you've indicated too, that they are stuck in their N thinking in that they are "the parent" and entitled to orchestrate our thoughts and actions, and they want it to look to the outside world we are a successful family unit, and it is because of their doing.

As I've spent more time away and have had far less FOG with Nm by going NC, I've built better boundaries with EnD as well. I've more recently become good at just saying things like, "I can decide when and if I visit my Gm. Thanks for the heads-up." Or, "I realize it's SM's birthday, but I will decide whether to send a card based on my feeling and relationship with her, not on someone else's direction." It literally is confusing and befuddling to him to hear that, and he just gets a dear in the headlights look and is speechless.

The main thing is, we have our own compass and intuition that matters, and THAT and only that should guide our actions. It took me a long time to get to that place. Unfortunately, my intuition tells me not to spend holidays with my family, and in some cases to end contact altogether. But it makes room for me to breathe and spend time with people who see me and respect he as a human being.

[Ladymm]

First of all, thank you for your replies!I really appreciate your feedback and support!

I was stressed yesterday but I slept over all and decided I will not go see my grandmother just because my mother tried to put pressure on me. Grandma has nurses, her own sister, her children..I think that in this case I have to put me first and not doing what my mother expects me to do. Its so interesting every time you get your power back by putting boundaries you get new insights and your mind gets clearer. So it is totally worthy!

Spring butterfly,
I have been thinking about the punishment topic a lot lately!yes as you said in fact my mother can t punish me in some extreme way, but unfortunately due to circumstances I work in my fathers company and live in their apartment. But luckily my husband got a job today..its half time but he has opportunity to be fully employed later on..so I hope better times are ahead. I want to quit when he is more financially stable.  What I wanted to say is yes, financially she can punish me or throw me from her apartment, but through therapy and spiritual work I got the strenghth to believe that even if she does that I will find a way to survive, and even if I dont have much good working experience. Also I was feeling stuck but am trying to change perspective and see all like a circumstance, and that I still have power over my choices ..like the toolbox teaches!

No.,

that takes a lot of strenghth to decide that your feelings are the only thing one should believe! I feel sorry for your struggles. Its hard because in childhood always one had to do what the obligation implied so trying to think with your own mind feels like learning a new language. Its a tough way for us, but I think the only way is up. I am also trying to rely on my feelings and intuition, but many times I feel guilty or extreme. But I try my best to ignore the guilt and negative voices, and more often then not they don't shut up so quickly.

Jingle bells,

Its a tough story you have, sorry for how your mother is behaving. My mother also comes to me with fake emphatic face to ask me if I have some internal struggle lol and then if I confided in her she used it to put me down. But its difficult to gain distance when they act like your mother and also mine sometimes. Also my mother is at home cos my father gains well, and waiting for retirement. She is so sure she deserves it, cos she had a hard life of course. I also feel like sometimes she fakes her mental health is not ok, like she forgets something. But I will judge these things from distance from now on, because they can be tricks and in my heart I feel its toxic to dwell to much on what she does. Its a hard job doing this, but so necessary!

[Spring Butterfly]

Yes you would!
"strength to believe that even if she does that I will find a way to survive"

[Ladymm]

Spring Butterfly,

thank you for your words🙏