When medium chill is no longer an option...

[daughterofbpd]

Hello. 3 years Out of the FOG, I've been away from the forum lately as I finally got the confidence to choose a better career path for myself and have been building momentum towards that and feeling good. The thing is, my career has to do with social media. A big part of social media right now is that people want to know the person behind the brand, authenticity is important and mental health is an becoming a more popular topic. Basically, you can connect with your customers/clients by being relatable and also help people to know they aren't alone in their struggles. I have found that so many of the lessons I learned Out of the FOG have helped me career-wise and it makes sense to share personal antidotes. I wrote several personal posts that I'm very proud of. Nothing is specifically about my M but topics like needing to learn how to say no and set boundaries. Everything was going fine and then I realized my M will find my new social media accounts soon and read every word...and then the anxiety came. I feel okay being vulnerable with strangers but the thought of being vulnerable with her feels very dangerous. I can imagine her trying to grill me on specifics of something I wrote, asking if X post is the reason I don't do XYZ for her anymore, etc. I can imagine her saying that I won't be able to get the kind of job she wants me to get sharing that kind of info about myself online. And I definitely think she'll read more into my posts and change the meanings in her head.

I keep telling myself that it is okay no matter what happens. I keep telling myself that I know how to handle it and don't have to discuss anything with her that I don't want. The thought of her knowing my true feelings and then trying to talk to me about them just makes me feel so uncomfortable. Also, I know she knows nothing about this career and nothing she says should discourage me. I know that I know what I'm doing and I'm proud of what I'm doing. I'm just worried it'll mess with my progress, mess with me being able to be authentic because I know she's reading.

I know that many people on the forum rely on MC and I have too. Has anyone just decided to be your authentic self and see what happens? I'm kinda freaking out right now.... Thank you!

[Psuedonym]

Hi daughterofbpd,

About a month ago, after I went NC with uBPDm, I wrote her a long, fact heavy letter about what had gone on (mostly over the last year and a half) and why I couldn't do it anymore. BF encouraged me to give it to her (by which I mean he took it to her). I found it to be a profoundly liberating experience (although I was completely terrified at the time). It was the first and only time I had spoken the whole truth (albeit indirectly) to M. It was a major shift for me. Up until that point I had rationalized a lot of things like I was protecting myself by not telling her the truth because of how she would react, but this was the first time I ever really acknowledged how much she had bullied her way into being the only one allowed to express an opinion.

I predict that when you speak your truth and the sky doesn't fall down and the world continues to turn, that you will find it equally liberating and exhilarating.

[practical]

Congratulations on your job

IMO you have two options:
- when she finds your posts and wants to discuss them, ask you questions, to tell her you won't do either of these things with her, and do so again and again, preferably using the same words so you sound like a broken record and she gets it that you are unmovable. Or after the first few times "I already said No, the topic is closed."
- you can be your authentic self like Pseudonym says, in which case you have to be prepared for the chips to fall wherever they may, from your M having a temper tantrum, giving you the silent treatment to breaking off contact, or your F - if he is an enabler - haunting you to apologize and make up with M.
Option 1 by the way might still lead to outcomes similar as option 2, because IME PDs don't like to be told No.

Whatever you do, remember the 3C's Rule, because you have truly no control about what your M reads into those posts, or how she responds to what you do. You didn't cause her disordered way of thinking nor can you cure it.

Keep doing what you are doing, you sound good and like you really enjoy it and don't let your M interfere, not verbally nor in your thoughts.

[Thru the Rain]

I can relate to this dilemma.

I seriously censor my social media posts, knowing my uPDM reads anything I post. With her ready-to-be-hurt feelings front and center.

She often posts odd/inappropriate comments to anything I put out on social media, and I've found myself posting far less often.

Good luck with this - I'm really interested to hear how it ends up going for you.

[daughterofbpd]

Thank everyone! I appreciate the encouragement and am feeling less anxious now. I'm not going to stop writing so there's not much else I can do but wait and see what happens.

[RavenLady]

I wrote something that I knew my uPD parents wouldn't like and they didn't. uNPDf was mortified and embarrassed that I had made myself vulnerable publicly, and uBPDm was just...awful...she wanted to provide literary criticism while ignoring the content of what I had disclosed about myself.

It ended up being strangely validating. Like, oh, I'm right to believe they have this problem. It's their problem, not mine.

It ended up strengthening my voice as a writer.

[Dinah-sore]

Oh, DaughterofBPD, my heart is totally going out to you. <3 I totally understand what you are saying. Heck, last week I deleted a whole social media status update, just because I saw my mom commented on it. I didn't even read her comment. I was just like, "Can't do this." Delete. Like it feels like she is stalking me. And I have no place to just exist without her "marking her territory."

I am also in the middle of a writing project, and she wants to get her hands on it. And I can't. Nope. Just the thought of talking to her about it, gives me writer's block! LOL. It is like they kill creativity and honesty, because now all you can think of is "What would BPDm say" or "What if BPDm thinks this?" I totally totally get it.

But the BEST thing is, you are moving forward. You are being authentic. And YOU DON'T OWE HER AN EXPLANATION!  You don't owe her anything. She owe's YOU an explanation, and apology, some contrition... right? I think you are strong enough to walk in the freedom of your truth. This might be the next big step in your healing. Using your voice. Being YOU. Not just here, anonymously, but out there where everyone can see. Celebrate  you. Honor your truth. Be a light to others. <3

I used to have a website where I shared my writing. It was all anonymous. But I just deleted it. My mom is so mad that I deleted it. For some reason that choice is evidence that I have changed for the worse, and I must be on some medication that is making me no longer "care" about the things I used to care about. The thing is, I deleted it, because while I still believe a lot of what I wrote there, I don't want to be the person who wrote it. It is from a codependent, "If only I could be 'right' enough, I could deserve love" kind of place. I was groping for acceptance. So I deleted it. That was the old Dinah.

I am still writing, and the other day I thought about putting my journal out there as a blog again, but this time without being anonymous. The thing for me though, is that I decided that I am going to keep it private for now, because there is still a large part of me that is too sensitive to being ruled by the opinions of others. I am not ready to put my heart out there and have people comment on it, because for so long I have put other people's opinions above my own. This journal is for me. It doesn't matter what other people think of it.

That said, I firmly believe that we can't hide all of our writing. It is also good to write things to share with others, and it sounds like you have found that balance. You know why you are writing, it is for a specific audience, it has to do with your job, it will bring you more success, and you are have chosen how much you are comfortable sharing. Do not let your mom put you in a psychic jail cell, and chain you and restrain you. You are free. You are smart. You are doing good things. She will probably react badly, but that is her problem. You don't have to explain yourself or listen to her go on and on about it.

Anyways, I am sorry that I rambled so much, but when I read your post I actually FELT what you were saying. It was icky.

[WomanInterrupted]

I tried sharing a song with unBPD  Didi - she made it all about her, when it was about *drug abuse!*    - and later shared a comedy piece I'd written, which had actually won a few online awards, and she just sniffed  at it and didn't say a word.   

Back when I was in school and writing a lot of poetry, she found it and told me I was "scaring her."

There was nothing to be scared about in that poetry!   

She knew I'm writer, but she didn't care because SHE was supposed to be the writer, and just "couldn't" for some reason - but she did tell me I *should* write the story of her life, because it would be *fascinating.*   

No, a book called, "Another Day, Another Tantrum" would *not* be fascinating to anybody but the psychiatric community!   

I suggest you have a few stock answers to rely on when your mom finds  your writing, and tries to grill you:

1.  "I wrote what I wrote.  Take from it what you will."

2.  "I stand by my words."

3.  "If it upsets you, don't read it."

4.  "I'm not discussing it with you.  My words were clear - if you don't understand, go back and read it again."

5.  "Think whatever you want - you will anyway."

6.  "That is your opinion."

7.  (If directly questioned if something is about her, and it IS - or even isn't and she's trying to *make* it about her)  "My words are open to interpretation.  Take from them what you will."

8. (Same subject as above)  "Words resonate differently, for different people.  If they touched you in some way, I've done my job."

9.  (Will NOT give up on grilling you)  "Asked and answered.  Please change the subject, or I'm ending the call."

10.  The all-important, "I can tell this is upsetting you, so we'll talk later - goodbye."

They're mostly Medium Chill and non-inflammatory - and answer absolutely *nothing.*   

The written word is open to interpretation, unless it's an instruction manual.  Often we paint pictures in our mind's eye, or put ourselves in the position of the writer, to see if we can relate, or if this is an alien topic - for me, that would be a close family that actually gets along!   

It's very much like music - something resonates, or it doesn't.  Everybody has a different opinion, each as valid as the next, unless it's obvious trolling.

Before your mom starts commenting on your writing, I'd look into finding out if there's a way to block her before she starts going off the rails and sounding unhinged - or, who knows?  Depending on what you're doing, it just might prove your point!   

Please - be yourself. LIVE.  WRITE.  Speak your truth!  Use your voice and the gift you were given!   

And most of all - something your mother would *never* tell you, but from one woman who survived an unBPD mother to another who is still dealing one - BE FEARLESS.

[Yael924]

Neophyte to the blogging / social media thing (unconscious self protection, methinks)

Question: Is it possible to preemptively block an email or IP address from being able to access your blog?

[Andeza]

Yael makes an excellent point. The site admin does have that power although it may be a bit roundabout. For instance they may have to install some companion software through their dashboard. Ips can absolutely be blocked though. So can proxies. I've done it in another life, when I wrote (volunteered) blog articles for a writing site and had full admin access as a favor to the owner.

[daughterofbpd]

she wanted to provide literary criticism

Ugh, yes, my M used to search my writing for mistakes.

Dinah-sore - Thank you for the kind words. I'm sorry you've experienced this too. It is an icky feeling.  Maybe I do need to speak my truth, like you said.

WomanInterrupted - I'm not surprised you won awards for something you wrote! Your posts always have me laughing.  Your suggestions are fantastic and it really helps me to have some phrases memorized for when I get caught off guard. My favorites are:

3.  "If it upsets you, don't read it."  &  5.  "Think whatever you want - you will anyway."

She is going to think think negatively of me, regardless. I suppose it doesn't really matter what I write.