What happens when you stop feeding the Drama Monster?

[Sneezy]

My Mom moved to my town a few months ago, into senior independent living.  She was miserable living on her own, but is even more miserable living here.  The non-stop drama, crying, temper tantrums, lying, and general craziness has increased.  I knew it wouldn't make Mom happy to move near me, but I was hoping she would be less unhappy.  Unfortunately, that isn't the case.  She finally pushed me over the edge and I had it out with her a week or so ago.  I'm not ready to go NC.  But I have decided to stop feeding the Drama Monster.  I am getting serious about Medium Chill and working on firmer boundaries.  My DH has listened in to some of my phone calls with Mom, and he says my Medium Chill is improving .  It's actually interesting to feel the clarity that sets in when I remain calm.  Last night, I started questioning reality while Mom was talking, and then I snapped out of it and thought, "oh yeah, now she's gaslighting." 

The problem is that it's getting scary.  The better I get at Medium Chill and boundaries, the more Mom ramps up the drama.  She is throwing rage at me and ramping up the lies.  I am concerned about what happens next.  One of my siblings stopped feeding the drama years ago, and Mom bad mouths him often.  Is that what I'm in for?  Does it ever end and just settle down into some kind of tolerable existence?  I want to be there for her when she needs help (surgery, illness, etc.), but I can't take the ever-increasing drama from her.

[Starboard Song]

The better I get at Medium Chill and boundaries, the more Mom ramps up the drama.  She is throwing rage at me and ramping up the lies.  I am concerned about what happens next. 

I want to be there for her when she needs help (surgery, illness, etc.), but I can't take the ever-increasing drama from her.

Boundaries can become unadministrable when the person in our lives works so hard to frustrate our boundaries that we cannot manage them anymore. I encourage you to keep enlisting DH as you strengthen your boundaries. Come up with ways to establish real boundaries that work: it isn't always possible. We are 3 1/2 years NC from my in-laws because there was no coherent set of boundaries that could work.

Role-play with your husband. Maybe you can get to conversation plans that teaches your mother she has a choice: she either minds her manners and has you around, or she chooses to lie and criticize, and does so without very low contact, in brief conversations that end on the first mean comment.

Good luck. You are doing a great job so far.

[Juniperberry]

One of my siblings stopped feeding the drama years ago, and Mom bad mouths him often.  Is that what I'm in for?  Does it ever end and just settle down into some kind of tolerable existence?  I want to be there for her when she needs help (surgery, illness, etc.), but I can't take the ever-increasing drama from her.

Yes.  She is going to bad mouth you often.  Trying to avoid that is futile and a waste of your time and energy.  Make your decisions with her badmouthing you as a given outcome.  Stinks, but better to be basing your decisions on reality than unattainable desires. 

[WomanInterrupted]

In my experience, when you start using Medium Chill, they can't *stand* it and will ramp-up the drama and crazy-making behavior to epic levels, including having "medical emergencies", feigning ignorance on doing the most simple tasks (boiling an egg, cleaning something off the floor, looking up phone numbers), and going Full Metal Waif.  (Calling multiple times a day to complain or demand, refusing to do anything to help themselves and generally making a giant PITA out of themselves.)

What I did with unBPD Didi was *call even less* and *refuse* to get sucked in.  Oh, you're having a medical problem?  You need to call the doctor.  Need somebody to clean your house?  Call Merry Maids.  No, I can't help you.  No, I can't do a thing.   

That's the only thing you can really do:  become utterly useless and unable to solve her many problems, which are usually of her own making.   

Another thing you'll need to do is develop even *more* boundaries - she screams that you have to come now?

You can't.  You're busy.  With what?  The usual.  Oh, you know, never a dull moment around here. 

If she's in an independent living facility, I imagine there's a button she can push for help, or a means to communicate with the on-site staff.  Encourage her to do just that, and if she "just can't" for reasons (Didi didn't want to *bother* her doctor or pharmacist, but thought calling to wail at me was okay!) - tell her you don't know what to say, or what to tell her, but you're sure she'll figure it out - you gotta go.  The dog is on fire again.   

Encourage her to rely on the services the facility offers and keep referring her back to them - she'll balk and say she just caaaaaaan't    - that's your cue to tell her you don't know what to say or and can't help her, goodbye. 

Lather, rinse, repeat, as often as necessary.

If she insists she has to go to the hospital or ER and only *you* can take her - refuse.  You are busy.  Notify the facility and tell them, goodbye. 

That's the only way I was able to manage Didi - stay OUT of it, and not get involved, for any reason.   

If your mom starts calling or is calling, multiple times a day with endless complaints, remember YOU control the level of contact she has with you and stop answering the phone, or let it go to voice and deal with it when YOU are good and ready to listen to her messages.

Or you can just delete them without listening and get on with your day - chances are, it's just more of the same old, same old. 

You can set a boundary with yourself:  I will not speak to her more than once a week, once every ten days, once every two weeks.  YOU make that determination - not your mom.   

If you feel your mom requires extra help, notify the *facility* and let them deal with it.   

That was something I did with unNPD Ray, when he popped up on the radar - everybody on earth knew he needed to be in AL, except Ray, who *refused* to move from his house or be medically compliant, even insisting he didn't need a cane because 88 isn't old!   

I worked in the background with Team Authorities, and stonewalled social workers, who were determined to get me over there to be his caregiver (aka cover for him). 

I'd tell them he needed more help than I could give, I was staying out of it, and *they* could figure it out, without me.   

Eventually, Ray failed a competency test and was placed in a memory care unit - and I'm NC.   

Your mom  may go that route, eventually, but for now, keep in contact with the staff, and keep them apprised of the situation - she won't fall through the cracks, and if they feel she needs to be in Assisted Living,
they can get the ball rolling, *without your mom knowing you've been working with them.*   

When it gets to the point the complaints and demands are non-stop, the only thing you can really do is make yourself as remote as the summit of Everest and call *infrequently* - at best.  Become completely unreliable.  Utterly useless.  As boring and uninteresting as a bucket of wallpaper paste, by using *strict* Medium Chill and *not* reacting to her complaints with anything other than, "Oh gee..." (or a variant).

Your mom will *hate* that you're not at her beck and call, but so what?

You don't live for her - you live for YOU.   

There's nothing you can do to fix or salvage this relationship except erect boundaries to *protect yourself* - and if that means calling once a month, and setting a timer for 5 minutes, and hanging up once that timer goes off (even if she's in mid-rant; you just talk over the top of her and tell her somebody is at the door, the laundry is ready, or you have to GO - and hang up), that's what you DO.

It really is a rough ride, from here on out, and you'll be amazed at the levels she'll stoop to, to get your attention - please remember to *breathe* and keep your hands and feet inside the shark cage, where it's safe.

And remind yourself your mom isn't alone, on an ice floe - she's in a facility that has *staff* to help her, and see to her needs, or help her help herself - and you don't have to be involved or do a *thing* - if you don't want to.

[Malini]

Hi Sneezy,

Good for you for starting to use MC and putting healthy boundaries in place. My PD parents thrived on drama and manufactured a lot of it out of nothing in order to get attention and keep me in the FOG.

Sadly, we can't control their behaviours and some PDs will stop with the drama if they're getting no more results with it and others will ramp it up in order to get a reaction. I think it's great that you want to be there for her in case of illness and surgery and perhaps you can begin to cut short any calls or visits when they veer into drama territory. It will show your Mom that you won't engage in any drama and it will also help you preserve your cool and safeguard your wellbeing as it can be exhausting to be on the receiving end of crying, lying, tantrums, etc.

Your mom probably won't like the fact that you're no longer engaging with her when she's in full drama mode and perhaps she will start bad mouthing you and again, you have no control over it. If she wants to smear you, she will. Even when I was firmly in the FOG and a dutiful, good daughter, my parents said nasty things about me to other people so it was a lose-lose situation anyway. I (eventually) learned not to care about the smearing and that was quite freeing.

I found the 3Cs helpful in letting go of my need to second-guess and control my parents behaviour and focus on working on my own behaviours (as you are) instead.

Take care.

[samc]

Does it ever end and just settle down into some kind of tolerable existence?  I want to be there for her when she needs help (surgery, illness, etc.), but I can't take the ever-increasing drama from her.

I haven't read the other replies yet, but I can say in my own experience, yes. It settles down into a tolerable existence. That's the most I can say for it, unfortunately.

It didn't happen overnight. In fact, it probably took years. But staying very firm on medium chill, deciding for myself how often I needed to interact with her? Things are fairly okay now. I don't get caught up in her drama, and things have gotten stable enough that I sometimes wonder if I made it all up in the first place. But it's only if I keep the medium chill going. As soon as I say anything personal, I regret it because she uses it against me.

It's a hard line to walk, it really is. I often think it would have been easier to walk away completely. But sometimes it's pleasant enough that I am glad I committed to MC. That her death will be easier for me to deal with. (I don't know, 100%, maybe it would be even easier if I'd cut ties.)

The hard part is, when you catch the manipulation, gaslighting, to end the conversation immediately. IMMEDIATELY. "I've got to go." "Someone is at the door." " have to walk the dog." Yes, I can walk the dog and be on the phone, but I use that one more than any.

Over time, it got easier. It really did. She seems to have taken the hint. We talk about the weather, TV, music. It stays light. Sometimes it's even easy to remember I love her.

But good lord, is it work to get to that place.

[samc]

 

And now I've read everyone's reply, and I can say YES to all of the above. Woman Interrupted was so helpful to me when I was where you are. Listen to that wise woman every time. 

They will absolutely ramp up the drama when you start to pull back. It will seem so very real.

But I can tell you it's not real when they are manipulating you. That's when you feel crazy and everything feels so upside down. I've been through the real and the unreal. Anywhere else I would not be able to say this. But the real is obvious. I have been there in ICU, making decisions about care. That is sad but easy, too.

Now I'm back in the gray, where an emergency can be, in her mind, that lunch was a cold burger. That's not an emergency!

You'll know when it's time to get involved. 99% of the time it is not.

[samc]

Ha ha! Just saw, Sneezt, you said the exact same thing. About it not being an emergency 99% of the time. 😂 You've got this! 

[illogical]

Hi Sneezy,

You've gotten some great advice on this thread!

Concerning the drama, one thing that helped me was to cultivate responding, rather than reacting to the situation.

My NM's drama always seemed to be fraught with a sense of urgency.  Whatever need arose, it had to be satisfied NOW.  Couldn't wait a day, an hour or even a minute.  The picture that was painted showed my services were needed immediately, and I had best not delay-- or, or, or?  What, exactly?  The sky would fall because she needed a new toothbrush or a pair of socks?  I had to forgo my planned evening to run to the store and purchase the needed item, then drive a hour to her Independent Facility to deliver the purchase?  Um, no.  She could have waited another day and let the on-staff shoppers do that.

I gradually began to realize that nothing that happened required an immediate reaction on my part.  As you have noted in your post, a sense of clarity sets in when you remain calm.  Even if you receive a call from the facility that your mother is ill and has been taken to the hospital, wait a moment before rushing in.  Allow yourself a few minutes to determine what, exactly, your response will be.  What will happen is that your clarity will lessen your anxiety and allow a logical response to the situation, instead of an emotional one.  And your anxiety will lessen because you will be in control of the situation, not the other way around.  Take care!

[Psuedonym]

Hey Sneezy,

If it makes you feel any better, she's probably already bad mouthing you.  I know that seems a strange form of consolation, but after I went NC with M I found out from a friend of hers that every time I used medium chill or enforced a boundary, she would turn around and call her to say how awful I was. I was actually relieved when I heard this, because it helped me realize how untenable the situation was.

I think one of the things I have realized as I have become less foggy is that we are in some ways much more powerful and in other ways less powerful than we really are. I know that makes no sense so I will try to explain. When you have a victim like PD, they try to shove off the responsibility for their entire well being onto you. Because of that, you may think that you can influence her decisions/behavior more than you can. At the same time, you minimize your own ability to make different choices in your life. You may think that if you thread the needle correctly, you can control the outcome and how your mother reacts. The truth is that you can't, you can only make decisions that are best for you. You say that you want to be there for her in case of illness, which is admirable, but the truth is that if you erect any boundaries at all, she may decide that you will no longer be in her life, by insisting that things go back to the way they were...or else. The or else is raging and tantrum throwing, but the truth is you don't have to put up with it. This is both a scary and liberating thing.

Have I recommended the book Emotional Blackmail to you? If not, I highly recommend it. The premise is the completely foreign notion that you are only responsible for your own feelings and behavior. If your mother deosn't like your new boundaries, well, that's on her. It is not your responsibility to fix the relationship and ensure that it continues. I know it's tough!

[Sneezy]

I have read and re-read all your comments and advice and thank you all so much!  This new-found clarity that I seem to have feels so good.  It's a very liberating feeling, although still very much a work in progress.  Mom's latest complaint is that we never have any "fun" together.  My first instinct was to JADE - I started to explain that she has quite a few medical issues that require us to spend a lot of time going to doctor's visits, and then I starting listing all the fun things we have done in the past few months.  And . . . then the clarity hit me . . . since when is it my job to ensure that Mom has fun???  I don't remember applying for that job.  If she wants to have fun, she needs to hang out with the other 200+ ladies at her apartment complex and start signing up for the many activities that are offered there.  It's certainly not my job to entertain her on a regular basis.  I mean, my life is easier when she is entertained, distracted, and having fun, but it's not up to me to provide all that for her.

[Psuedonym]

I'm giving you a standing ovation, Sneezy! It's such a weird feeling to one day wake up and say 'wait a minute, this makes absolutely no sense. Why did I ever think this made sense?' Of course the answer to this one is your mom isn't actually interested in having fun...she's interested in you doing things for her so she doesn't have to a) make an effort or b) be responsible for her own life. Nice work.

*Had to come back to edit this. I also love the phrasing (mine says the exact same thing) 'we never have any fun together'. It's such a gaslight, because what it really means is 'you're not doing enough to plan things to make me happy' but we've heard it for so long we don't stop to think about it.

[Juniperberry]

And . . . then the clarity hit me . . . since when is it my job to ensure that Mom has fun???  I don't remember applying for that job.  If she wants to have fun, she needs to hang out with the other 200+ ladies at her apartment complex and start signing up for the many activities that are offered there.  It's certainly not my job to entertain her on a regular basis.