Don't Want to Call Them After Years of Doing So

[LoverofPeace]

Hello,

I'd like to ask a question right now and give more details later due to running to do my school assignments (old lady in college  ).

And speaking of, is it wrong not to have called my grandmother and mom this past week? They are both narcissistic, the first one moderate to "mean" and the 2nd one is full blown but can scale it down at times (not long enough though).

Though they try to  hide it, they have their demands of me because they are seniors. None of us live in the same place and I am brimming over with work and school.

My grandmother calls last week to get a spare key from my mother that's lost or misplaced. Wanted me to bring it to her to make copies. While I wouldn't normally mind, I had to choose between deadlines and driving it to her ; though more inconvient to them, I inquired if she could ask a couple of other folks, as the ones mentioned are all retired. Then I tried working other things out like getting her spares made. Plus, made sure she had another lock presently on that door (couldn't recall for sure, was running around at work at the time) so if no one else could get the spare, I could still do my work and get it done and to her another day. Even said maybe she should change the lock altogether, being the  key was gone, and I'd help her pay for it. She basically snapped at me that she wished she never asked me. And my mother chimes in (surprise, surprise), when I called her, to just run the key over to her. Ok, I said I was already trying to figure it out, but that wasn't even easy, because I could still miss a deadline. So, I ran it there, hugged her at the door (she didn't hug me back), said I would say no more about it (we also talked earlier that day and I asked why everyone even had spare keys but me who is doing the running, apparently because I have a car; I have always been there for her and my mother, never took anything, only gave to them)? She only would say she's getting a headache, something she never said, yet these sounded like my mother's words! That is what triggered me more, plus my abusive extremely narc sister who would keep saying the three of them only "tolerate" me (she lives out of town, otherwise it would have been her doing it, their golden child). So, now after consistently being there and going from calling every other day, to once a week, I don't want to call at all for a longer time, especially to make sure to just concentrate on school. Is this wrong? Because both are old, had major surgeries within the last year, but live alone and back on their feet as well as can be expected for a couple of seniors.

I just had it up to here with them thinking it's already built in that I'm to do things for them, instead of them seeing why I have done things; because it's out of having a good heart. And I don't deserve my grandmother not trusting me "but so much"it seems, because why not give me spares too, the one running there if something were to happen, as she tried to make me feel bad if something were to happen while the spare wasn't brought to her? She claimed it was okay, she would just ask someone else. But why not in the first place, when she knows my schedule? It's okay to still ask though, but not okay to me to feel "tolerated" and all that nonsense.

So, call now or later?

Thanks for any advice, guys! 

P.S. Feeling s bit

[RavenLady]

Hi LoverofPeace. Here is my interpretation of your post, in summary Q & A form:

Q: "Do I have a right to set boundaries with my family members?"
A: YES.

Q: "What if they are old and/or frail?"
A: YES.

Q: "What if they aren't used to it and it makes them upset?"
A: YES.

Q: "What if I feel really bad about it even though I have excellent reasons to guard my time and my energy?"
A: Still, YES.

Q: "What if they won't ever understand?"
A: YES!! Especially then.

Boundaries = yes, yes, yes, yes! Your life is your own. How you spend your time and energy is 100% up to you. Whatever anyone else says or does, whatever demands they make on you, at the end of the day that's their stuff.

Your minute, your hour, your day, your energy, your gas, your good will your...everything else...isn't theirs. They don't have a right to call the shots on you or what you do. That's your stuff, not theirs.

It sounds very draining to be in your situation. Lots of us here will relate. Have you checked out the Toolbox on this website? Excellent ideas for dealing with your situation.

Hang in there and take good care of yourself. It's your job! And also, you deserve it. (And best of luck with everything school!)

[LoverofPeace]

Thanks so much, Raven Lady!

You're right, it's been years of drain. I posted some months ago what the narc sister did to me in physically violating me. While I had to teach her a lesson, I would say that was pretty much it for me.

But I hear you loud and clear. I've been working my way away from them, but unfortunately I'm still at the point where I feel like I'm holding my breath like they will have another emergency (especially from me not talking to them), and I don't want to have to go through everyone's drama--including people on the sides wondering what is wrong with ME!

Thank you about school too. College is so very demanding, but it makes me happy to know I am doing something for my near future. Then I think about them, and with my schedule so full, I'm afraid something will happen with them to mess that all up.

I am at the point where I can't stand them, sad to say. It's like waking up in a nightmare that the boogie man they told you about as a child is right under your nose in your FOO!

By the way, I did see the toolbox before, but need to revisit it.

Will be posting again as soon as I can; it helps so much! 

[AD]

Short answer: if you don't want to call, don't!

It sounds like they expect you to drop everything and run to them, but don't appreciate the effort, and are generally quite mean. So, I think in this case, that general sense of wanting to help people and be kind does not apply, because Narcs will only take advantage of it and use it to manipulate you.

Take as much distance as you want and focus on you. I know that sense of dread that comes when you know that they are going to get mad because of something you did or didn't do, but as you carve out more space away from these people.....it starts to lose its power. So the people who are mean, unkind, and do not appreciate you are mad that you are no longer at their beck and call? Oh well.

Maybe you can practice some standard phrases for the next time they want you to drop everything and come running, keeping it really short and concise (e.g. "I can't do that, you will need to ask someone else"). Try to avoid offering too much of an explanation, and if they start to go off, just keep repeating the same, boring phrase. It's really unsatisfying for Narcs when they are unable to manipulate you into getting upset.

Good luck!

[Yael924]

     "Mom/ Grandma, There are these people who are called "Locksmiths". They are called this because they have special training and equipment for keys and locks, maybe you've heard of them before? They are found easily in phone book or online. If you call one, I'm sure they will help. 
     I'm really busy with school work now, let's maybe catch up during spring break / end of semester."



And you totally have my respect for going back to school. Please don't let these jealous people derail what you are trying so hard to accomplish.