Omg I am in huge trouble with BPDm

[Dinah-sore]

Okay, let me preface this by saying, this isn't a big deal to normal people or families without PD. But right now it feels like my floor just fell out from under me, and I feel like a child. And I feel like I messed up so big there isn't an apology that can fix it. And I am beyond overwhelmed with shame and this feeling that I can't make it right.

So, my husband was out of town this week for work. I don't know if any of you remember, but my BPDm used to come over and sleep in my bed when he was gone, to "protect" me because she thought I was scared and incapable of being alone with my kids overnight. Well, She even was joking of coming and staying with me, but I played it off and kept her away. But last night (DH still gone), my kids had a birthday party for a girl at their school. It was a sleepover.

I talked to my BPDm on the phone yesterday (she called and texted me so many times I felt like she was stalking me), so I felt very much like not telling her anything. I didn't tell her about the slumber party because I didn't want to hear her interrogate me about whether the family was safe enough, or act like my kids are going to get molested over there. I know the family very well, there are several kids going, they will all be together, and my DH and I both sat the kids down and explained safety and if they feel uncomfortable at any time to call me and I will come get them. If I told my mom about this party, she makes me feel like I need to ask her permission or explain or justify my choice. I didn't want to do that.

The thing is, since they were at the slumber party, my middle daughter had to miss her softball game this morning. Except I forgot to tell BPDm we woudn't be there. I get a call waking me up (she made my dad call), and asked where we were. I just sleepily said that we weren't coming and I am sorry I forgot to tell them. I could have explained about the party, but I didn't. I texted my BPDm and said, "I am sooooo sorry. It slipped my mind." She is not responding. She is furious. However, the truth is that my BPDm hasn't been to any of her games except one. My enF has been to all of them. And last week between her two games I told my dad that we wouldn't be coming today because of a b-day party. So I DID tell him. However, my dad pretends like I don't tell him anything because he gets in trouble for talking to me. In fact, she yelled at him and then gave him the silent treatment for three days last week, just because he ate breakfast with us at mcDonalds between the morning game and the afternoon game. He got in trouble for eating with us, and not asking her or telling her, even though she knew there were two games with a huge break in the middle and that we would probably feed my kid before the second game.

So anyways, she got up, took a shower, went all the way to the softball field, and sat there waiting for me. She is LIVID.

I do owe her an explanation, but I don't want to JADE. I am glad she is not talking to me yet, because I feel like an emotional flashback to feeling like a child. The thing is, I am really sorry. I really did mess up and my mistake put her out today. I can handle that. What I don't want to put up with is all the extra stuff. The over-punishment she gives me. I just want parents who are normal. Who would be upset, but not think that this is further evidence that I have mental problems. Who are going to make this into a much bigger deal than it is.

Even this week she was yelling at my dad (after she got bored of giving him the silent treatment) that she is mad at him because he doesn't care enough to notice how much I have changed. How much I am not doing what God wants me to do (I am still committed to my faith). She says she thinks I am taking a medicine that has changed me and made me dull. Uhm, yeah, it is called "Grey Rock." LOL. So this is just further evidence that I am losing my mind, to her. But not that it deserves any compassion or empathy, if I was truly losing my mind, to her she will still punish me.

Please help. I need someone to help me put this in perspective. And show me how to respond taking responsibility without taking more responsibility and punishment than I deserve. I am sure normal parents would be put out, or frustrated. But my BPDm is much more emotional and angry about anything and everything than most parents. Please help me decide too, how much explanation to give. Should I say that my kids were at a slumber party, my hands were full with my DH out of town, and I was so busy that it just slipped my mind? Or do I say, that I told my dad last saturday at breakfast, and I figured that she hasn't been to the games much so I just told my dad? What do I do?

[Danie]

My first gut-reaction is just "ugh"! Get over it mom!
She is way too enmeshed in your life. If you've explained it already, I would just let it go and say it doesn't require any further apology from you. Isn't your dad sticking up for you?

If you bring it up more she will just shame you. You did nothing wrong.

[Malini]

Dinah-sore,
I'm  sorry your dealing with this and it's thrown you for such a loop. Deep breaths all around. Normal parents, or in this case grandparents would either take it in their stride or think  « duh, we should have phoned before to see if Dinah-sore and the kids were going ». Your kids could have been sick and missed the game, or had extra homework, or something else. It's their responsibility to deal with this and if they choose to go without checking with you first, they have to accept that they might have gone for nothing. It's like when people spontaneously drop by to say hi, if you're not in, it's their own fault for not calling ahead.

What goes on between your parents should not be your responsibility and if you can set it aside and let them deal with it it would probably be easier than analysing their dynamics and then trying to figure out the best way to communicate with them. If your dad wants to play mind games and not share info with your mom - that's his business. If your mom can text you for useless stuff, she can text to check if you're there before setting out.

You owe no explanation. It's not your fault. You and your kids weren't there and that's all there is to it. Good for you for not bringing up the sleepover, which will save you a lot of extra grief. You've come so far in the past months, don't let this push you off course and into a spiral. You did nothing wrong, and I'll say it again - you owe no explanation.

How bad can her punishment be? Worse than what she's put you through up until now? Probably not and you have definitely got this, as you've had all the other challenges that you have dealt with so well in the past months where you've shown yourself to be stronger than you thought.

[Frankie14]

My first gut-reaction is just "ugh"! Get over it mom!
She is way too enmeshed in your life. If you've explained it already, I would just let it go and say it doesn't require any further apology from you. Isn't your dad sticking up for you?

If you bring it up more she will just shame you. You did nothing wrong.

I wouldn't give this another thought; you don't owe anyone an explanation about anything.  You are a grown woman, you will go to softball only if and when you and your kids feel like it, if someone showed up and you were there; TOUGH.

I wouldn't mention it again.  It's done.

"Trouble" ...does your mother use this word?? You are a grown woman, who are you in trouble with?  Will your mother take money away from you, is she using money as a weapon against you, what can she DO to you? 

"Trouble".. my sister to his day, we are late 40's still uses, I will call Dad and get 'you in trouble' and I think trouble what the F is he going to DO to me..and who cares.

Adults don't have to give explanations or justifications to other adults.  Adults don't get to demand answers or JADE from adult children.  My 2c and what I do is, I let the phone go silent or hang up if one of my PD - parents starts up; click...

They can try to call me again in a few weeks when they grow up.

Click...bye.

[stasia]

You made an honest mistake! You're human, and things like this happen. You don't owe her any explanation other than, "I'm sorry, it slipped my mind. The more details you give, the more it's only going to fan the flames.

You know this already, but a "normal" M would not feel the need to punish you for what was a simple oversight.

[biggerfish]

I do owe her an explanation, but I don't want to JADE.   I just want parents who are normal. Who would be upset, but not think that this is further evidence that I have mental problems. Who are going to make this into a much bigger deal than it is.

Dinah-sore, your mother is very disordered, so much so that it's probably hard for you to see it, and it's hard for you to know what normal, healthy parents would do.  I am so sorry you've had to deal with this. You deserve better.

Some thoughts:

• You don't owe her an explanation. You already apologized which is all that is necessary between healthy people who all make mistakes.
• Normal parents wouldn't be upset. They would accept your mistake, just as you accept theirs.
• It's understandable that you want normal parents, but you don't have any and most likely never will. That's why you need to learn more tools specific to disordered people.
• I'm so glad you're here with us. We all learn from each other (I've learned from you) and from the toolbox.

Here's a hug for you 

[Dinah-sore]

Deep Breath, Thank you all so much for you comments and perspective.

I am sitting here breathing shallowly, all day. Feeling this instinct in my body to call BPDm and JADE my butt off. Thinking, "Should I call and tell her that I told dad?" or "Should I call and tell her that the girls are at a party today, and not mention that it started last night?" etc.

It is so funny how you can be in FOG and not realize it is fog. I was reading your responses and I was like, "OMG, I feel fear, obligation, and guilt" ---How did I not see that it was all FOG? And further, the emotional response in my body feels like a chemical reaction, like programming. I know that I released a ton of adrenaline and cortisol when I got that phone call this morning. I called my husband (who is away on business) panicking to him.

My mom texted some delayed response, but she is waiting, she wants me to call and humble myself and make explanations. I haven't yet. I am postponing it.

But reading your responses I think I am just going to act oblivious. Like, "So sorry! Wow. Yeah. I forgot to tell you. I can't believe I forgot. So sorry." And force myself not to grovel.

[Associate of Daniel]

I'm in a quandry with this one.

My initial response is that I don't believe you made a mistake and you have done nothing to apologise for - and you definitely don't need to explain or justify yourself.

You told your enF that you wouldn't be at the game. That's all you needed to do.

If he forgot or chose not to pass on the information to your M, that's on him.

That's my stance if you were dealing with non pd people.

But I wonder:  sometimes we have to go the extra mile with pds. Very often they are children stuck in adult bodies. And when dealing with situations like this with children we go the extra mile to ensure they understand and remember the information.  So in this case, should you have also told your Mum?  I don't know, I'm sorry.

But either way, you definitely don't need to give an explanation as to why your family didn't attend the game. It's not anyone's business that your H is away and your kids were at a slumber party. Or even that you chose to have a doona day, if that had been the case.

You've apologised (for something that needed no apology). It was a genuine "mistake" on your part to not tell your mum. (You didn't need to tell her as you'd already told your dad.)

You actually did really well. You didn't JADE. And in pd land that's a huge achievement for any of us.

I'd suggest not following this up further. If your mum (or dad) brings it up again, just say you told your dad and assumed your mum didn't need to know because she doesn't normally come.

She'll likely rage. Just repeat the above once and then hang up if she continues to rage. Don't get dragged into any circular "conversation".  And try to put it behind you.

As a side thought, did your dad go with your mum to the game?

AOD

[SunnyMeadow]

Normal parents, or in this case grandparents would either take it in their stride or think  « duh, we should have phoned before to see if Dinah-sore and the kids were going ».

100% that! I would have sent a text if I was planning to go to the game, just to make sure my grandchild was even playing or _____ (any number of things that could change).

Dinah, you texted "I'm sooooo sorry, it slipped my mind", that should be sufficient. But noooo, your mother is furious and giving you the silent treatment. That's not how a normal, caring mother/grandmother would react. I know you wouldn't react that way to your child if you were the grandmother in this situation.

Try and put her out of your mind. I know it's so hard to do though. I react very much like you do in these situations and it STINKS!! All those thoughts keep swirling in my brain and I really beat myself up. Please think of this silent treatment as a welcome break from your mother's shitty treatment of you.

Hugs and caring thoughts for you Dinah.

[RavenLady]

Adding my voice to the wise ones here reminding you you don't have to take responsibility for your mother's feelings since you already apologized for a very minor mistake that arguably was no mistake at all. You told your father about not going to the game. Did he not notice your mom was going? Does he not live with her? What's wrong with this man that he can't string a sentence together and mention a fact that would save his wife some wasted time and his daughter resultant grief? Or maybe he did and she was looking for a way to put you back in FOG where she wants you regardless! Have you really considered that? Cuz it sounds like he's not going to level with anyone as he's too...whatever he is. Enmeshed, childish, spineless...sorry, but that's his stuff, not yours. (Sorry to insult your dad.) And obviously your M can't be trusted.

I recognize so much of my anxious people-pleasing self in your post that I'm going to also remind you of something you and I both already know but probably forget pretty much every chance we get:

YOU'RE ALLOWED TO MAKE MISTAKES. YOU'RE ALLOWED TO MAKE MISTAKES. YOU'RE ALLOWED TO MAKE MISTAKES.

Your making mistakes (which is, again, arguable here) in NO WAY reflects on your worth or worthiness to receive love, kindness, support, or good cheer. It does NOT render you ineligible for familial support in a non-cray family. The fact your queeny PDm can't see this is why you need to shift from FOO to FOC. The whole completely routine "mis"-understanding around the game (though again, I'm not so sure she didn't know or at least should have known to confirm the game, as others pointed out) is simply an "external" as it's called in one of my zillion-and-a-half--self-help-self-esteem-self-healing-holy-f*c%-how-do-I-get-these-toxic-parents-out-of-my-psyche-where-their-voices-keep-ruining-my-life books lately. An external is a thing that has happened that doesn't reflect your eligibility for love, because that is intrinsic to you. You're a Christian, if I remember correctly? Doesn't your faith teach you that? Created in God's image? So your M's toxicity because of a stupid little mishap is peanuts next to that. Your dysfunctional FOO is doing their dysfunctional thing, queue the carnival music and popcorn machine.

It's not you. It's them. This is where our boundary muscles are so very atrophied. We get trapped in the FOG when we punish OURSELVES because our PD parents/whoever hate our boundaries so much they get pissed at the very idea that we might manage to enforce them. They want to punish us for them. Our boundaries mess up their plans. Check out your own Lauryn Hill quote on this!  Your mother's access to you, to use you as supply or to prop herself up since she's a child inside or whatever her deal is, is diminishing, and she can tell, and she can't handle it. Her handle on you is slipping and she is flailing about for a better grip. So she wants to activate the mind-worm she planted in you to control you when you were a wee little child. Activate self-destruct! Self-shame! We do the punishment for them in cases like these. It's our inner critic/perpetrator, a la emotional flashback.

So yeah, all your self-care instincts are right in this situation, and all the ones that would choose loyalty to PD crazy are wrong.

You already know that, deep down inside.

So go with your gut, Dinah-sore. You've got this. You're already well on your way.

[WomanInterrupted]

But reading your responses I think I am just going to act oblivious. Like, "So sorry! Wow. Yeah. I forgot to tell you. I can't believe I forgot. So sorry." And force myself not to grovel.

That's EXACTLY how to handle it!   

I agree with all that's been said - you made a simple mistake.  It happens.  We all make mistakes.   

If your mom wants to be all butt-hurt, that's HER problem, not yours.  There's no need to apologize further, grovel or debase yourself because she *expects it.*

You made a simple mistake.  Life goes on.  The sun still rises and sets.  The world still turns.   

IF you decide to talk to her and she won't let it go, I'd end the call with, "I can tell you're still upset, so we'll talk later.  Goodbye." - and that's *it.* 

If she "hints" she's upset, I'd become as dumb as a box of rocks and *ignore it.*  IGNORE the subtext and the meaning behind her actions, sighs, rolled eyes, ahems and throat clearing, and just act like everything is perfectly *fine.* 

Just because you made a mistake, doesn't mean she gets to "punish" you in some way, or you have to placate or appease her in ANY way. 

If she can't grow the hell up and get over her bad self, I'd start putting up even *more* boundaries and limit contact even further.  You don't *need* that in your life - you've come a long way, and all she wants to do is drag you back to where you once were:  firmly under her boot-heel.

That's NO place for an adult, with her own life and her own *autonomy.*

You've GOT this!   

[Malini]

I just want to add that I don't think you made a mistake. Your mom has been to ONE game and you told your dad (who regularly comes) that you wouldn't be there. What are you supposed to do, always inform them of every single thing you do every single day and then follow up with any changes you might make?

You'd have made a mistake if you'd made a date to meet up with them at the game and then forgotten to tell them you wouldn't be going, but it's my understanding that this wasn't the case.

Also, on reflection, your Dad is not playing fair. How could he take your mom to a game that he KNEW you wouldn't be at? How could he do that when he knows exactly how your Mom is and how she would shame and punish you as a result of the whole shenanigan?

It's difficult enough for you to deal with your mom and I'm sorry that your dad didn't step in as a husband nor step up as a  parent.

[illogical]

I just want to add that I don’t think you made a mistake. Your mom has been to ONE game and you told your dad (who regularly comes) that you wouldn’t be there. What are you supposed to do, always inform them of every single thing you do every single day and then follow up with any changes you might make?

You’d have made a mistake if you’d made a date to meet up with them at the game and then forgotten to tell them you wouldn’t be going, but it’s my understanding that this wasn’t the case.

Also, on reflection, your Dad is not playing fair. How could he take your mom to a game that he KNEW you wouldn’t be at? How could he do that when he knows exactly how your Mom is and how she would shame and punish you as a result of the whole shenanigan?

I agree with Malini that you didn't make a mistake.  I think you are putting yourself in the Scapegoat mode-- i.e., blaming yourself-- because that is how you have been groomed to behave by your PD mother.

Your mother is out to CONTROL you.  She wants to control your thinking, your behavior, your life.  And I don't believe she will stop.  Grey-rocking will keep her at bay, but anytime she sees a sliver of an open door into your life, she will bust that door down and try to take over.

You might consider keeping a journal of how often she tries to shame you, blame you, gaslight you, belittle you, chaos manufacture, divide and conquer (as with your enF and friends of yours at church) make you feel obligated, intimidate you, etc. 

She won't change.  You can't control her, even with grey rock.  But you didn't cause her to be that way, either.  As others have suggested, focus on your FOC and limit contact.  Every time you expose yourself and your family to her, you expose yourself to more toxicity and poison. 

[biggerfish]

I think Associate made a good point that she will likely rage. PDs often don't like it when we come Out of the FOG. But you sound ready to weather that. We are all cheering you on.

[illogical]

Something to think about--

How do you know your mother actually went to the game?  Did anyone see her there?  Did she even say she went, specifically?  Or did she Just imply she went?  And even if she did go, how do you know she didn't plan going to this very game because she knew in advance you wouldn't be there?

You also posted about how your mother has gotten very angry lately because of the time you and your dad are spending together.  Jealous, much?     I think it's highly likely she asked your dad why he wasn't going to the game and he told her you and your daughter weren't going to be there.  She's livid because you shared this information with your dad and not her.  So the Chaos Manufacture Plot begins...

What better way to "rattle your cage" than to either lie about attending the game, imply she went to the game, or show up at the game knowing full well you wouldn't be there.  Ah, ha!  Gotcha!  (she thinks)  She's put you in a classic no-win situation.  She's able to play the victim-- or as WI calls it-- full-on metal waif-- and chastise you and shame you for "not telling her your plans". 

Given the stunts your mother has pulled in the past, I would not rule out this plan of hers to manufacture drama and chaos, all because she is fuming because you have shared information with your dad and are leaving her out of the loop or putting her on an "information diet". 

I used to think my mother was the most honest person on the planet before I came Out of the FOG.  When I started coming Out of the FOG, I caught her in numerous lies, including pretending to have a terminal illness.  Who does that?  My NM for one-- someone who wanted all the attention and spotlight on her and when she didn't get it would go to unbelievable lengths to accomplish her goal.

[appaloosa]

     You didn't "make a mistake". You did NOTHING wrong at all. You told your dad, if he forgot to tell your mom, that's between them. You don't owe your mom an up to the second calendar of your family life/events. If she doesn't have enough sense to call and check first, that's on her. I would ignore her and enjoy the silent treatment. When she decides to start speaking to you again, if she brings it up (which she will, right?) tell her she should text first to confirm any event she plans to attend. Don't use the word 'sorry' in this conversation. And hang up if she starts haranguing you. Oh--and since you don't want her there, 'protecting' you when your husband is out of town, TELL her. Change your locks if you need to. Take back your life. It doesn't belong to your mother.
      This is a MINOR thing by any measure. Your mom is the one who is making it a Major thing. A non disordered parent wouldn't even be upset about this--they'd say to themselves "Silly of me not to have checked" or they'd shrug and say, "Oh well, I'll catch the next game."
Good luck, and I'm sorry you're feeling like this is your fault--it's not!

[SunnyMeadow]

Given the stunts your mother has pulled in the past, I would not rule out this plan of hers to manufacture drama and chaos, all because she is fuming because you have shared information with your dad and are leaving her out of the loop or putting her on an "information diet".

Good point illogical! She may not have been near the game at all. And from what Dinah wrote about her mother's actions after her friend's funeral, I wouldn't put anything past her!