Gentle giantess

[Karlotta]

I feel like a gentle giantess, who is able to stand well, with two strong arms that carry well, who is looking in disbelief at the man she loves and the man she is protecting for years.

I found many similar aspects of my life reflected here and felt among kindred spirits,
so I am writing here.

I believe my husband has an usual form of schizoid personality disturbance: I value and actually enjoy his intellectual views, and he is kind. The last bit almost cost me my sanity, as his kindness was one of the strongest shields against spotting the emptiness and darkness behind it. Like a story in Grimus, my life seemed fine, if there had not been these cracks and gaps in his constant steady kindness. His kindness is unconnected to any event or my person. It requires his inner preparation to meet me, that cannnot be evoked spontaneously and that seizes as soon as I try to respond. My hands have been taken off for years like an unwanted insect, my smiles have been unanswered. My little gifts or attentions have not been reprocitated with warmth, and when we quarrel (which we both hate) he cannot forgive me, about anything. I am the one usually saying sorry, mostly for raising some issues that had hurt me, hoping for kindness and understanding and reconciliation. He usually asks at some point whether I like a cup of tea, or walks off. There is no way of understanding my point of view, a little bit, sometimes.

The sad thing is that I still like him as my funny weird friendly husband, and only now see that he is unable to function socially. He never leaves the house apart from shopping or picking the kids up. Every day there is TV, every day some family tree. I am the social butterfly (slightly ruffled wings though), I am the one in the outside world who has to earn an income  for us and the children, paying single-handedly for the house, organising the school events, planning the holidays, falling nearly over because of exhaustion. I feel responsible as he has no friends around us, and not many at all abroad. He earns little money (which he does not share) and sadly always gives me the feeling that I am the awkward person who never appreciates his care for the children. I feel absolutely drenched and exhausted, but I work on myself to be able to let go now. My only feeling is that it takes time, letting him go fully emotionally and in the end also financially... as kindness is addictive, so, I am just resting here.

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG. Many here can relate to the lack of reciprocity and partnership when in relationship with a personality disordered family member. The toolbox above and the info at the drop down Personality Disorders menu are a great starting point.

We have a board for those who are Committed to Working On It that might be a good fit for your situation.

See you out there on the boards.