Back exhausted, venting

[Doggo]

Was here in the fall. Have been secretly doing online therapy since then. Never figured out if my H has PD. He has diagnosed ADHD, treated (doesn't help); anxiety/depression, maybe Autism spectrum (his brother and niece have it); family history of abuse, though he denies he was abused. Unemployed for almost 10 yrs. He keeps having rage meltdowns over things that make him anxious--two weeks ago he stormed out of the house, then came back and demanded that I sit there and listen to him rage at me for being a terrible person because I didn't get him a birthday present (for 20 yrs he has told me how much he hates it when people buy him presents).

Today he cursed me out and then raged at me for not scheduling a dr appt exactly on the day when he might have been eligible to go for follow-up surgery. (he was wrong--he has to wait two more weeks)

Both times when he calmed down an hour or so afterwards, he apologized profusely. So PD? not PD? I don't know but I'm absolutely exhausted. My therapist says it's verbal abuse. Am thinking of chatting online tonight with a domestic abuse line. But my life is so tangled up with this man. And he has no job, no money; threatens suicide at even the thought of my leaving. I don't have any time without him--except if he is online watching p*rn.

I just don't know what to do or where to turn anymore. I may call my dr's office tomorrow and see if I can get an appt with the social worker there--but what are they going to tell me--leave? how? When the H isn't raging he's very logical and smart--and when he apologizes, his analysis of why it happened is spot on.

[sad_dog_mommy]

Oh Doggo,  your description of your husband's behavior could have been written by me about my exBF.  He was diagnosed with BPD but at the time I thought it was something that could be treated with medication.  I was so naive. 

The most important thing for you is to do is to learn as much about personality disorders as you can.   I found the more I learned; the less his manipulative games affected me.  I could see how his actions were designed to control my behavior and that knowledge gave me a sense of power.   It was like I was a chess master that could see his moves before he made them.    Make no mistake,  I was a jellyfish when I found this support forum.  My guy couldn't keep a job.  Threatened to harm himself.   Raged at me over the craziest (irrational) things.  One year I bought him several birthday presents and took him to a fancy steakhouse for dinner BUT I didn't buy him a Hallmark card and for the rest of our years together he would bring that fact up during one of his rages.   

For me,  it took time to get my courage together before I could breakup with him.  My self esteem was practically nonexistent.   That is what happens after years of walking on eggshells.   We were together almost 10 years and he lived in my house so it wasn't a matter breaking up and moving out,  I had to ask him to move out!  Oh, the guilt I felt about him having no where to go...  Well, in time I realized that was his own fault.   He chose to be estranged from his family.  He chose to have no guy-friends.  He had such a chip on his shoulder he couldn't keep a job because he thought he was better/smarter than his co-workers and was chronically unemployed.   Oh, he also had a serious drinking problem. 

My mistake was to keep all of the drama/abuse stories to myself.  I knew my family didn't like him and in my co-dependent way of thinking... if they didn't know he was drinking or that he had lost another job or that he punched a hole in the wall they might start to like him again...   Once I was sure that I had to breakup with him to save myself I unloaded all the "secrets"  I had been keeping to my sister and my closest friends.    I wasn't a good actress and they knew things were bad but had no idea.   

You are not alone and I promise that you will feel better when you shift your focus back towards your needs.   You are right.  Living with a person who has a personality disorder is exhausting.   Be kind to yourself.  This isn't your fault.   If he does have a PD there is nothing you could have done/or do to fill the empty hole he has in his soul.    PM me if you have any questions.   ((( hug )))


PS there are 2 books I would like to suggest to you.   Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and I Hate You — Don't Leave Me by Jerold Kreisman.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

You could be describing my undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. She exhibits all the behaviours beginning with S
sobbing, screaming, shouting, swearing, seeking money, suicidal and many others.

The most helpful person I have found online is the counsellor and author Kris Godinez who specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome.

She gives live talks most Sundays on her YouTube channel called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". Her talks are archived on her YouTube and Facebook sites.

I've found her very helpful and insightful.

Best wishes

guitarman X

[Doggo]

Thank you both. It helps to know other people have been thru this. 

[sad_dog_mommy]

One of the things that helped me keep my thoughts straight was to write in a journal.  I would dump all of the things swirling around in my head on to the page of my spiral notebook and for a little while I felt better.  It was like free therapy but it also served as a calendar of sorts.  When something would happen and I would doubt my memory of the event I could look back in my journal and see what I wrote about the situation at the time.  Abuse amnesia is a real thing.

((( hug )))

[sad_dog_mommy]

Doggo, I tried to reply to your message but your inbox is full.