Narcissistic husband of 40 years

[kissonthehead]

My first post. I am at a loss. Don't know what to do. I've been married to this man for 40 years. He's always been driven, ambitious. But as he has aged, I have realized that he is a narcissist. He "ticks every box". At 71, he is successful,  but he has not attained all of his goals in life, so he is ALWAYS enraged. He is alienated all of our friends and now our children and grandchildren. I am not prepared to live alone at my age, but I just can't take this much longer!

[Starboard Song]

One thing you can do right now is to consider how you can maintain relationships he has alienated.

My MIL is likely BPD, and it has cost her a daughter, son-in-law and grandson. It has nearly cost her a son, but it he maintaining thin contact.

It needn't have had the same price for my FIL. He could have openly said he wanted to maintain contact. He could have said he understood our experience and agreed it wasn't right. He could have called a spade a spade, even if only behind her back.

It is hard, but please consider whether you have any space to contact those folks, and assure them of your love. While you will learn tactics to manage his behavior perhaps, and maybe it will get a good deal better, your relationships with these other people may not have to be tied to that success.

About success: whatever it look like, I wish so much for you.

Be good. Be strong.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You are in good company. As a start, check out the Toolbox. You are not alone. We understand.

[kissonthehead]

Thanks for your replies. It's so good to know I'm not alone. I do have relationships with loved ones he has alienated, but they are sort of holding me responsible for not telling them the truth about him earlier. I was only trying to hold my family together. Now I'm tired and by myself here.
What I have found in the Toolbox has been such a help!  I'm feeling a little more hopeful.
Thanks for your welcoming attitude!

[Call Me Cordelia]

That's really hard, kissonthehead. (Intriguing name, btw.) You have certainly come to the right place.

Starboard's advice is spot on. Your NH does not control your relationships. It sounds like this is a recent realization that he is a narcissist? And you have had conversations about it with your children?

It stinks they are blaming you for not telling them sooner. My mother never had anywhere near the insight you are showing, but my dad was the alpha narcissist in our family of origin. She was a narc in her own right, but there was definitely a pattern of putting blame on mom for dad's awful behavior. He only threw us in the car and drove around for hours to find a restaurant that suits him because Mom watched tv after school and didn't have dinner on the table right at 5:00, that sort of thing. It was safer to blame her. In a way, hurray you are safer and are not going to start abusing them. But on the other hand, no, that's not really helping anyone. You are just figuring this out yourself and of anyone it is most directly impacted you who still live with him at this point in time. If I'm interpreting your short post correctly, yes you have plenty to apologize for as the enabling spouse, but not telling them sooner what you simply didn't know isn't on that list.

All of your family has a lot to unpack from figuring out that DH/dad is a narcissist. You can be committed to truth, and advocating for yourself and your family relationships, but those will need to have good boundaries grounded in that truth. Such as only accepting responsibility for what you are in fact responsible. It's going to be somewhat wobbly going, as it's a new way of being and interacting in a family for all of you.

Early on my therapist gave me a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It's a classic book, very easy to read in daily reflection format. That may be a good place for you to start, as well as the toolbox. Welcome and looking forward to seeing you!

[Phoenix18]

Hi. I'm so new here I haven't even posted an intro yet; just reading through them. But I wanted to reach out to you because your story resonates with me. We're 60, I'm just coming Out of the FOG, and I feel exactly the same way you do. It feels like a no-win situation at this point - too much water under the bridge to bother leaving at this point, and yet not sure what the remaining years of my life will be like if things get worse. In my case it's more than just H, so a real conundrum. Hoping to find interaction with people who understand here, and think through all the possible solutions. Hoping you find the same!

[AppleTree]

Struggled with the inverse of your problem even longer!

Do not let this alienate you from others, even if you have to maintain contact discreetly or even covertly! I have started working deliberately to rebuild some of those bridges.

And sympathise with Phoenix18 too. Struggling with exactly the same "is it too late" dilemma. Keep telling yourself it is not! Every day you don't and suffer is a day of your life wasted! Not sure of the path forward, but whatever it is it is going to be less painful!