Hi there.

[Kittenkatboots]

Hi there.

I'm the youngest of five and the daughter of a BPD mother. I am a womb twin survivor and the family show pony. I've been no contact with my mother for a month now but I've gone no contact with her for 6 months a few years ago. Currently little to no contact with my siblings and father. I realized a little late in the game that my father is equally complicit and I don't like him at all at the moment. He used to be my favorite parent. But he really was the lesser of two evils. My siblings are like flying monkeys supporting my mother first then my sister (oldest child) second.

My mother tried to get rid of me but succeeded with what was my brother in the womb. She has competed with me and put me down while simultaneously expecting me to be the best throughout my life. She would often accuse me of being sexually active starting at the young age of 7. She'd also accuse me of trying to tempt my male family members into sleeping with me if I roamed the house wearing short pants or clothing girls my age would wear. She wouldn't buy me clothes to not "compete with her" so my home clothing had holes in them. At the same time, my mother got upset at me for dressing like my brothers - I did this hoping it would protect me from her anger. In addition, she'd physically abuse me in public and in front of my father who did nothing.

Growing up, anytime I tried talking to adults about what was happening at home, I was met with pushback. No one could believe me about the things my mother did. Because it didn't look like we were abused. We had nice shoes and computers - the works. I learned to stop talking about it to people. Not my friends at school nor teachers. I couldn't be in the room alone with any of my brothers and my sister is significantly older so I spent most of my childhood alone. Playing with refrigerator magnets throughout my adolescence. My mom would yell at me if I locked myself in my room before she got home. Playing in the kitchen was the safest place to be.

I missed many days of school. Some years, they'd send a Child Protective Services worker to the home because of my absences but somehow, nothing materialized. I hadn't been okay for quite some time. Despite my absences, I managed to perform decently in testing. But I had no passions. Life felt meaningless. I never engaged in ideation because I knew my mother would live the rest of her life somehow milking it for attention. I did not want to give her that power because I kind of hated her too much to do that.

My BPD mother is the type of woman who says, "you can't get married before I do" Or "you can't finish college until I do". I have missed out on great opportunities in the past because of her and I feel what once was shame now sadness. I feel like I woke up and realized all the things I could've done if I just trusted myself and didn't rely on my family to affirm me.

I have had to be financially independent at 18 years old and moved out at 19. I am currently 28, and am burnt out. I have pursued 6 years in a career I didn't even like to gain financial stability. I also was repeatedly told by my siblings and mother that I couldn't ever have my own business and be successful. As of last year pivoted and things are not stable at all but I feel solace in that I'm doing exactly what I am passionate about and trust that I can land on my feet if need be. I have a business mentor who I check in with from time to time and am making good progress. I'm so sick of giving over my power to people and this is the first time in my life I feel safe inside of myself. Self containment? I feel like no matter what I have my back here.

I dealt with severe anxiety and depression and have used talk therapy supplemented with online resources for SLAA (Tim Fletcher's teaching style makes sense to me). I manage anxiety well but depression comes and goes. I still have social anxiety as far as letting people too close. And I want to have a full life and learn how to let people in.

Anyways, glad to be here and thank you for having me.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group kittenkatboots-  i am so glad you found us.

you are not alone.  i went full NC in my early 20s and as hard as it was at times, my worst day alone in the world was better than the best day i ever spent with my biological mother.  even at my age now (almost 52)  i still mourn at times the relationship i craved with my own biological mother but never had. it gets better, but my trauma is a shadow and it's always behind me.

take baby steps.  allow yourself to grieve both the loss of relationship and of childhood.  recovery and growth aren't linear and sometime it will feel like two steps forward, three steps back.  be gentle with yourself and when you are ready  to share more about the day to day challenges that come with being NC with a parent, we're listening.

[miffyxo]

Welcome to the group  I've also been no contact for a month and found the resources here extremely useful, especially the toolbox which can be found on the website homepage. I also had a similar situation to you, my mum was extremely jealous of me all my life and accusing me of very similar things. She also dressed me as a boy as a child and told me she wished she had had a son instead of a daughter because "they are more loving". She never bought me new clothes but always made sure that my shoes and my school uniform were really smart. I had to wear my school uniform every evening after school and had one or two outfits for weekends. It made me feel almost dehumanised, like I was smart for appearances but looked terrible otherwise. As I got older I think my grandma started to notice because she would take me shopping and let me buy things I liked to make sure I fit in with the other kids. Thank goodness I had my grandma for support. My mum also told me not to go to university, because nobody in my family had. When I did and passed my degree with a first she quickly learnt she could get bragging rights from  other parents and suddenly really pushed my career and then claimed my whole adult life it was all down to her.

Hope things get better for you, and know that you are not alone. Good luck with your new business and believe in yourself. 😊