Need to Stop Supporting my Adult Niece

[hoge]

I have spent the day reading this excellent website, and I am in despair but trying to find hope. My niece is in her mid-40s, I have raised her since she was a child. I have been supporting her completely for the past 5 years—an exorbitant amount of money that I can no longer afford. The FOG that engulfs me is profound and exacerbated by her knowing exactly how to trigger my Fear (references to getting rid of all her stuff, nobody would notice if she was gone, etc), Obligation (she is all alone except for me, and I owe her because her mother died when she was little), and Guilt (I can't bear the idea of her being homeless, alone, which she assures me she would be). For the past 5 years she has complained of multiple life-threatening medical problems and the fault of the medical establishment, who have tortured her. She always tells me how alone she is and how I am never there for her to go to medical appointments with her but when I have offered and tried, the appointments get cancelled or likely never existed. I recently went through a major life upheaval (thus no longer being able to afford to support her in the style to which she has become accustomed), and she has barely acknowledged or offered any empathy for what I am going through. Clearly, I could go on and on.  I am so tired, I feel so powerless, and I know I have to do something, but I hardly know where to start. She has lost all her friends and other family members because they refuse to continue to deal with her until she gets psychiatric help, and she adamantly insists she does not have a problem. She graduated from an Ivy league school, but has been consistently underemployed or unemployed. Sorry for rambling, thank you for reading.

[LemonLime]

Hi Hoge,
Welcome to the group.  We're here to help and support.  I'm sorry you're dealing with this, especially with all you have done for your niece.  We can't diagnose, but many of the things you're telling us in your thread sound like traits of borderline personality to me.  The tools on this board and articles by Bill Eddy on High Conflict Personality may help you.
Borderline personality disorder is treatable with DBT, dialectical behavioral therapy.  That is hopeful.  Of course your niece is a grown person and would have to agree to get help.  In the meantime, I'd recommend immersing yourself in information on how to set boundaries.  This is all about boundaries.   Also, the research is now showing there is likely a genetic component to some personality disorders.  Can you think of anyone else in your family who is like your niece?  I point this out because that has been helpful in understanding my covert narc sibling.  I have an aunt with very similar traits, and that aunt's mom also was similar. 

Stay in touch with us
 

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have found a good place. Have you studied the Toolbox? Start there. Start implementing the strategies that are suitable for your situation.
When I began my journey Out of the FOG, I came across a book by Townsend and Cloud, Boundaries. I found it extremely helpful. It's got a lot of bible quotes, but one can skip them.
Give up any hope that you can change the behaviour of your niece. We can not make anybody change. The earlier you accept that you can only change your own behaviour, the quicker you can begin to improve the situation for yourself and your niece.
From what you describe, you might be in a caregiver role and she is in a dependent role. You might be enabling her unhealthy behaviors with your own.
It doesn't sound healthy to me that a 40+ year old person with a good education is dependent on you. She needs to do some growing up. And you cannot help her with this. If you could, she would be grown up by now. All your efforts have landed you where you are now. And that's not good for either of you.
A book I found very helpful was "Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist" by Fjelstad. I also strongly recommend to get some support for yourself, be that by attending Co-Dependent Anonymous meetings or counseling for yourself in addition to sticking around here and sharing the progress of your journey Out of the FOG with fellow travelers here.