Hello! Dealing with nmom's regression after years of stability

[SaintBlackSheep]

Hello! I'm new to posting here, but I think I've read almost everything! Thank you for the existence of this forum!
I am the only child of nMom and eDad. I'm in my 40s with 2 kids and a husband who also has an nMom and Dad--they are seriously the most malignant narcissists I've ever seen! We moved across the country after marrying, and credit that move as the best thing we've ever done. We've been in lots of therapy over the years, both individually and together so we could learn how to be functional married partners, because lort knows we never learned that growing up!
After the therapy, I learned a ton about setting boundaries with my parents, and we enjoyed 15 years or so of relative stability, visiting 2-3 times per year with them. One visit to their house, 1 to ours, and 1 annual vacation together.
My biggest challenge and the reason I came to this forum is that a few years back, my mom had a health crisis that reduced the oxygen to her brain for a substantial length of time (think Covid, but not) and now she is her worst version of herself! She has regressed back to the pre-boundary days, and worse. Every visit with my parents is a nightmare, and now I'm having heart problems because of it. I do think she has dementia or some other issue due to the oxygen loss. She is brain damaged, even more than normal   
They are in denial about that.
The first time I set all the boundaries, it was a yearlong process, and honestly I did a ton of the emotional labor for her. Still, she'd kick off every visit with some boundary crossing, I'd have to remind her, threaten to end the visit, and then she'd snap back in line. I 100% can't do that work ever again! I'm now middle aged, have my own kids to devote my energy to, and heart and other health problems to take care of, so I can't have those tough conversations with them, and I don't think it would work anyway.
I am in the process of being VVVVVLC with them after a disastrous summer visit to their house. I can never stay there again if I am to preserve my mental and physical health. They used to expect calls several times a week, and I've only talked to them twice in the past 6 weeks, which I consider a victory, but they persist!
Has anyone ever had a regression like the one I'm experiencing, where you already had done a lot of the work to figure out how to maintain a safe contact with parents, things were stable for years, and then it all goes out the window?

[bloomie]

SaintBlackSheep - Hi there and welcome to Out of the FOG! Wow! How hard to see your mom regress like this! It is also a complicated matter to get an unhealthy family system, with entrenched disordered coping and communication patterns, to face something like this head on and figure out if there are treatments and help that could lessen the side effects of your mother's cognitive decline.

The thing that stands out to me the most is the physical and emotional impact this is having on you. You know this, I am certain you do, but it is time to put your oxygen mask on first and take good care of your health and protect your peace. I am hoping that seeing that in black on a white screen from someone who has been there will help strengthen you and encourage you.

My own mother was disordered, addicted to prescription meds, and eventually suffered early onset dementia. Boundaries were a constant work in progress with times of more stability then those nightmare experiences and regression like you describe.

The relationship with my mother was complex, heartbreaking, and the most damaging relationship I have ever experienced. Finding balance in the midst of her ever shifting needs - truly, medically, authentically shifting needs alongside all of the disordered stuff is a delicate dance until I realized if I didn't begin to prioritize my peace and healing she was going to outlive me.

You are on the right path! You are here, reaching out for support, and you are figuring out what level of contact you can have with all of this.

Keep coming back and sharing as you are able. We will support you and walk alongside you!

[SaintBlackSheep]

Thank you so much! It is so helpful to hear your words and feel your understanding. She called me a bunch this week when she knew I was at work (during the day--when most people are at work, and I've always had the same schedule so unless she is more demented than I thought, I feel pretty sure she knew I wouldn't be able to answer.) She texted me a ton very sad that we haven't talked, she misses her granddaughters, and then threw a few flying monkeys in for good measure--she had to see the kidney specialist yesterday, and there was a terrible storm on Friday that caused a lot of damage that they have just finished cleaning up. So I texted back that I'd FaceTime them at a specific time, when I got home from my 9 year old's sports practice, and nMom confirmed that was a good time to chat. But of course, they did not answer! Then I started preparing dinner and she called in the midst of that, complained the whole time that I was distracted and that my husband and teen were not home (I was not distracted, all I did was stir a pot. Teen and husband were at teen's practice.) I asked about the doctor and the storm, and of course, despite the urgent flying monkeys, "oh, that. Everything is fine. We had a few sticks in the yard." 
My 9 year old was telling them about school--it's been weeks since we talked 
and edad interrupted her to tell us how his friend accidentally threw his keys in the trash! I saw 9's face fall sad, and I said "I can't tell if you interrupted her because you can't hear due to the fact that you refuse to get a hearing aid, or because you're really that self-focused!" nMom pipes up with "No, he ALWAYS does that! He interrupts everyone with the stupidest stuff!" I said "It's not just him, you've been doing plenty of things too that make it hard to have a relationship with you, and I'm having heart problems again. This is all really toxic, so I'm disengaging." As soon as I started talking though, she was trying to talk over me with victim-y things and whining. So I ended the chat.

Her thing with the phone tag is new, and I feel like it's an attempt at hoovering, to make sure I feel her impending return call looming over me all evening. So I need to put a stop to that. My life isn't structured enough to allot a specific time for a weekly call, and even though they're accustomed to calls 4-5x a week, I already broke that norm, and I'd really like to do a monthly call, but that feels unattainable for some reason.
More importantly, I NEED to keep them away for Thanksgiving. They used to expect us to load our kids and pets into the car and drive 10 hours to spend every holiday with them, and it felt like moving mountains to put a stop to that. Now, they drive to our town and stay in a hotel during every single holiday lately! I can't cope with that. Teen says to say we're camping for Thanksgiving. A friend and mom survivor told me to fake an illness, like "sorry! Don't come! We're all sick!" That would stress me out because there'd have to be a premise that they were coming down, only to pull the rug out at the last minute. Even the IDEA of them visiting right now gives me palpitations. What would make me feel better is knowing they're not coming, and knowing they know they're not coming. I don't know how to do that in a way that preserves my sanity.

[bloomie]

SaintBlackSheep - I have a thought about the holidays.. how about a message that goes something like this: "The holidays will be here before we know it and I want to give you plenty of time to make other plans for this year. Due to several factors we will not be hosting. Thanks for your understanding."

This is based on a method developed by a man named Bill Eddy that helps us respond to high conflict people. The method is BIFF - which stands for Brief, Informational, Friendly, and Firm.

You don't have to justify, argue, defend or explain why you are choosing not to host this year. You don't have to apologize or accept shame or guilt because you, as a grown adult, are choosing to respectfully and kindly communicate you will not be hosting them. 

I know it feels scary and you know you will most likely get push back, but you are a person that just ended an emotionally tone deaf conversation on your child's behalf. You are brave! Protect your peace and health!

And keep coming back and letting us know how you are.

Link to Bill Eddy's excellent articles: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/hci-articles?category=Communication

[SaintBlackSheep]

Thank you Bloomie! I have never heard of BIFF but it sounds so straightforward! I *just* figured out how to mute nMom's text messages without blocking her (I'm a little embarrassed that it took me this long to figure that out lol!) She's been in love bomb mode and obsessively texting me since I cut off that rotten FaceTime call. Every time I see her name pop up on my phone throughout the day, I feel ill, which was NOT protecting my peace! Once her regular text topics failed to get my attention, she just resorted to sending me total flying monkey nonsense, then "oops! That was meant for Jan." Jan is her neighbor's adult daughter, whom in her imagination, she is very close to. Her perceived relationship with Jan is a contentious topic for me because she always "accidentally" calls my kids--her only grandchildren--by Jan's name by "mistake." So texts she sends to me "accidentally" meant for Jan are just twisted hoover tactics. I imagine she wants me to say "For the millionth time, none of us are Jan!" And then she can tell me how nice Jan is. Again. Nope! I'm not getting hoovered!
So I really like the BIFF suggestion! Thanks again!

[moglow]

When she asks (and pushes and insists), your answer is broken record. Unemotional. Vague but firm - we're not hosting. Yes that means not hosting at all, anyone. "But we're faaaaaaamily" ? Silence. Don't be provoked. It ain't happening.