Easy option but they prefer things screwed up - my Dad and now my MIL!

[p123]

Dad is a past master at this. Its almost as if the 1950s never ended sometimes.
There are things/services/etc etc that would make things MUCH easier for himself but he just won't do it. It defys belief - do you really prefer things a bit screwed up?

Scarily, my MIL has started to do it. Now, she has her moments but shes fine generally. She gets a bus and comes to stay with us. Sometimes wife picks her up or drops her home but its not always possible. Sometimes she looks after the kids (but we have alternative childcare so its not often urgent), sometimes not - it sort of works both ways.

Shes 80 so can't walk far. She needs to change buses and its all changed a bit. We found out shes getting off one bus stop and walking 1/2 a mile to get her next bus. I had a look and she could stay on the 1st bus and it pretty much takes her to within 100 yards of her stop for the 2nd bus. BUT its a new bus stop. So far shes made every excuse under the sun NOT to do this and carries on.

I'm wondering if shes trying Dads old trick - don't make things easier for yourself because then  it won't look so good. I'm wondering if she plans to not the catch the bus EVER and get my wife to collect her (its an hour+ round trip) every time.

In reality, its not going to work. Wife hasn't got the time. It'll end up with wife telling her not to come. My dear wife I know will be a lot more firm than I am with my Dad!

I just don't understand why elderly parent do this? Jeez - isn't it obvious that if theres a better option you should take it? Or am I correct this is a scam to get the bus ruled out forever?

I hope MIL isn't going the same way as my Dad BUT I can see traits of my Dad 5-10 years ago!

[D.Dan]

I always thought of it as "The Martyr Act". With a dash of chaos manufacture, thrown in for good measure. Making things unnecessarily MORE difficult than expected.

I've also learned that even young PDs (my younger uPDbro1 and younger sis) can do this too.

Hint, hint: this only works if someone pays attention to the pwPD and tries to rescue them from themselves. It's something I learned for one of my kids, if you don't draw attention to the unwanted behaviour eventually it should stop. That was for my child where negative attention was just as good as positive attention. I've used this strategy on my PDs and so far for me, it works.

[p123]

I always thought of it as "The Martyr Act". With a dash of chaos manufacture, thrown in for good measure. Making things unnecessarily MORE difficult than expected.

I've also learned that even young PDs (my younger uPDbro1 and younger sis) can do this too.

Hint, hint: this only works if someone pays attention to the pwPD and tries to rescue them from themselves. It's something I learned for one of my kids, if you don't draw attention to the unwanted behaviour eventually it should stop. That was for my child where negative attention was just as good as positive attention. I've used this strategy on my PDs and so far for me, it works.

Yeh I can how they'd do this i.e. make it awkward so they can get their own way but I dunno..... Sometimes both my Dad and MIL appear to be making things difficult for no other reason than they've always done it this way and can't be bothered to do it the easy way.

[D.Dan]

Sometimes both my Dad and MIL appear to be making things difficult for no other reason than they've always done it this way and can't be bothered to do it the easy way.

Let them. They want a harder life, I say let them go for it.

[Lillith65]

This brings it all back to me!

My uPDM made a series of disastrous decisions against all advice. Whenever I stated the facts or suggested a common sense solution her reply was 'Well, I'll just kill myself then'.

My mother is in her eighties and largely reliant on the state except for some capital that she is using to pay her rent. Having sold a house that she owned (with some equity release) she now rents a large, three bedroom house with a big, neglected garden in a new area where she has no friends or close neighbours. Once she has spent all of her capital - she'll run out next year - the state will have to pay her rent. Note, in the UK, if you are single they will not pay the rent on anything bigger than one-bedroom. She is not close to the Drs or the shops, but she is @3/4 mile from me - after I told her that I was not going to be her carer, chauffeur or dogsbody and 10 miles from my non-driving sister who was instrumental in getting my mother to move. When she moved she refused to hire a decent removals company and thought that 'the family' would move her in a rented van.  I was working full time and have a serious heart condition, my sister has a chronic 'bad back'.

She insisted on using taxis when she could have a free pass for public transport, and insisted on shopping at a large supermarket miles away rather than having the bigger, heavy items delivered free of charge and shopping for fresh stuff at the more local shops.

Prior to his death, my father refused testing when told that he may have had cancer, then tried to sue his Drs when he was finally diagnosed; ate and drank exactly as he liked despite being diabetic, then complained bitterly about his symptoms.

I have always thought that it is largely due to magical thinking. If I want it, it will happen. The drama and fuss came as an added bonus. It could be both of course.

[Jsinjin]

My uOCPDw's mother did this type of thing and I thought it was weird until I realized it was PD and my spouse has it as some learned behavior.   My MIL would come to visit and no matter what insist on a map drawn for how to get back to the freeway.    Except that it was only a single street with no turns.    You turned right out of our driveway and followed the road through a couple of bends without turning left or right and it hit the freeway within two miles.    But there were dozens of times she would be saying goodbye and stsnd and wait and stand and say goodbye then sometimes even leave and come back and ask for directions again.   It was frustrating because it simply wasn't needed.   She could handle the complex interchanges on the freeway with no problem and could get to our house but could literally not leave without a drawn map that showed the right hand turn out of our home and the freeway intersection.   Yet she could drive to the grocery store that was next to the freeway and back wihtiut a map.   She passed away a few years ago but I still can't understand that one.

[p123]

Yep MIL moans she cant walk far. They closed down the bus station and moved all the bus stops for a few years while it was redeveloped. Previously she walked a few yards from one stop to another.

Now she walks across the city centre like 1/2 a mile. I got on the website and saw she could stay on the one bus a few more stops and it'd stop next to her other bus stop. No won't do it. Too confusing she said. What? She even tried to say you're not allowed to stay on the bus longer (its sort of a circle route so theres no start and end).

Its just weird. I can sort of see she might do it to make out we've got to pick her up instead (which she prefers). But shes playing the long game because shes been like this for years!