The cruelty never ends

[InvisibleDaughter]

I've been suffering with chronic back pain for years. My NPD Mom hardly ever asks how I'm doing. When she does ask the reply is always "oh ok", which I think is a quick reply button response.

I recently had an MRI done, the results weren't good and I'm scheduled for a follow up. The week after I had the MRI I was hit at work by a forklift driver. Now I'm on light duty until I feel better. The nurse recommended I see a Neurosurgeon and having numbness in my hands/feet I agree.

I texted my NPD Mom to let her know last night before I went to bed. She calls me which I hate, I don't talk to anyone on the phone let alone before bed. I texted her that I don't feel like talking and I was going to bed.

What she said to me has been the cruelest thing in awhile. She was upset that I stuck with my boundaries and said WHY DID YOU EVEN TELL ME.

I'm convinced she can't show one speck of compassion for anyone not even her child who is in crisis.

I know for my mental wellbeing I need to remove her from my life again. All she ever does is stress me out.

[NarcKiddo]

My uNPD mother telephones me as soon as there is any drama she can revel in. I am pretty sure I would get kick back from mine if I acted as you did. This is not a criticism of you, just a recognition that this is what they do. They do not like or respect boundaries. I have been very poor at even having boundaries until starting therapy a couple of years ago. Enforcing them has been difficult and has been an evil shock for my mother when she has pushed against a boundary and found it to be firm and unmoving. I mean, for the longest time she had no concept there might even be any boundary (there wasn't because she never permitted boundaries).

I also find that they do not do well if others have health problems. I currently have a major issue and we are at the early stage of her liking the drama and being able to call all her friends saying "Poor me! My daughter is ill!". This will soon become boring and she will need to confect some drama to turn the spotlight back onto her. God forbid anyone should feel sorry for me at her expense. So I am not surprised your mother rarely asks after you for a chronic condition.

In my experience, they indeed cannot show genuine compassion. It is simply not in their skill set. Their only concern is themself. If they choose to show compassion or care for the sick it is not generally because they actually care for the sick person but because they know society expects that of them. They want everyone to think they are wonderful. Sometimes looking wonderful means doing something distasteful like caring for the sick so they will do it for a while. Initially they get covered with glory for being so caring. Eventually people get used to it and move on. This happened with my father's cancer care - when the spotlight had been on him long enough my mother somehow managed to get a bad leg. This meant getting people to push her around in a wheelchair on hospital visits to my father. And everyone saying how wonderful and caring she was to be doing all these visits even with a bad leg. When she finally had the x ray there was no identifiable problem...

I am sorry if this all sounds cynical. I fully understand how horrible it is to deal with such behaviour from someone who is supposed to love us and I am sorry that I am not able to write anything particularly comforting.

I am sorry you did not have good MRI results and hope the follow up is helpful. Also very sorry to hear about the forklift accident and hope you recover well from that.

[Liketheducks]

I'm sorry InvisibleDaughter.   The dysfunctional parent is a gift that never stops giving.   I've reached a point in my life where what I share with my parents is a highly edited version of my life.    As sad as it sounds, I no longer volunteer information that could potentially be used against me.   And, in my family that amounts to no longer expressing vulnerability with my folks.   I keep things light for the most part.   We're so VLC that they wouldn't know unless someone else told them.   Like the time my husband had an affair and the rumor mill circled around to my mom.   Mom needed to tell me that she knew, like it was some kind of weird currency to hold over me that my life wasn't as perfect as all that.  Me and hubs are in a very good place now. 

It has taken me years to accept that they're just not able to be there for me like a parent.   I'm expected to parent them.   

I'm so sorry you're here and struggling with pain.   That just makes things doubly worse.   Wishing you healing thoughts.