Sanity Check Needed!!!!!

[BPDParent1]

I've been NC with my unBPD father for a little over 2 months.  However, I decided to take my son to have a short visit with him at his rec center which has a pool etc. since we were going to be in the area and I need to see if he can respect boundaries and, accordingly, whether the relationship can be maintained at any level (I need to feel like I did everything I could before going NC)

I told my father more than once that we would be meeting him at the rec center at X time.  I knew he was being too agreeable when he said okay without any argument and, of course, I was correct.  Last night at 11:00 (we're meeting today) I get a text saying that he bought steaks etc. to grill out before we go to the rec center (completely ignoring the fact that I had told him we would meet AT the rec center).  I told him that we will be meeting at the rec center, as I mentioned, and can do dinner a different time. However, now I feel guilty, like Im not giving him enough time and its unreasonable of me not to just go to his house since we're not doing anything else at the time and he hasn't seen us for 2 months.  That being. said, one of the big things that makes me anxious with him is that he's always jerking schedules and plans around so I never feel like I have any control over what's going on/how long the visit will be etc.  UGH - SANITY CHECK NEEDED!!

[Psuedonym]

You did the right thing! You are kind and generous and trying to do everything you can to salvage some kind of relationship. So you made the offer to meet your father and he....immediately tried to see how much more he could get. When you lowered the boundary he immediately tried to charge right through it. If you had said yes to dinner than he probably would just show up at your house next weekend. Don't feel guilty!

[Peaceforme]

My mil does this. I think it's just an attempt to control the schedule. Before we ended completely no contact I had to start saying "we would like to meet you on X day at X time but we only have two hours and will have to leave regardless of what is going on. Would that work for you or should we try for another time later?" She would moan and grumble and the entire visit would be centered around why we could only stay two hours instead of just enjoying our company. It's a control tactic and I've learned that once they get their mind set, it's just not happening. I know it's probably too late now, but if he ever again texts trying to change plans at the last minute I would respond with
"Sounds like you have other pressing plans for tomorrow and our schedule just won't accomodate lunch and then activities. Hopefully next time it will work out." And then don't respond to any requests to "drop it" or "just do the activity" etc. This is hard but helps to enforce boundaries. Good luck!!!

[Thru the Rain]

Before we went NC with uNFIL, he used to do things like this all the time.

We didn't know about FOG, or anything about PD, but we called this behavior "hijacking".

uNFIL would pull all sorts of stunts that would essentially put him in full control of all schedules and events. When we started to take some control back (driving in our own car so we could come and go on our own schedule for example), uNFIL completely flipped out!

It's definitely a control thing.

[BPDParent1]

Thank you for your responses!  It just makes me so upset that I am doing something I don't want to do (going to visit) and then rather than being happy he will leave being mad that he didn't get enough.  Story of the relationship.

[WomanInterrupted]

I agree - you've done nothing to feel guilty about.  You clearly stated a *boundary* he's trying to ignore or trample.

This is about control - he wants more time, so he's trying to manhandle the schedule  to *force* it, thinking you won't see it for the hoover (steak at his) that it really is, and he can always hand-wave it away as a "misunderstanding."   

There are lots of different ways for them to try to wrest control of the time/venue/duration of visit:

1.  You accept a new job and are told to show up at 8:30AM - so you do, and it seems like everybody else has been there for quite a while.  You later find out from others that the unofficial start time is 8AM, and you don't get paid for that half hour.

If nobody mentions it and you continue to show up at 8:30, because that's the time you're paid to start, you're pulled aside by the PD manager and told "everybody knows" the start time is 8, and by coming in at 8:30, others are becoming "resentful" of you.  (True story.)

2.  You're told dinner is at 4, so you show up at 3:45, only to find out dinner is really at 6, and the other party/parties wanted to "visit" with you for a while (read:  criticize you and pick apart all your life's  decisions).

3.  You're hosting a dinner at 5.  The PD party(ies):

A.  Show up at noon, when you're still getting ready, and make pests out of themselves, including criticizing you for "working" (getting the house ready, yourself ready, and prepping dinner) while they're trying to "visit."   

B.  Show up at 9PM - no call, no explanation; just swan in and act offended that you've already eaten and done the after-dinner clean-up, after you've tried calling them half a dozen times, held off dinner for an hour, and finally gave up.   

This will be *inexcusable* and they were *only* a little late, surely you COULD have and SHOULD have waited for them, since it's the polite thing to do!   

4.  You've made plans with the PD and they just don't show up.  You call them - it goes to voice - so you leave a message, then later leave a message telling them you're leaving.  You're later  told:

A.  You JUST missed them (my eye!)

B.  They went to the OTHER Empire State Building, or the other Golden Gate Bridge, the Other Sydney Opera House or the other Albert Hall!   

C.  Insert DRAMATIC story about the ER, nearly dying in a car crash, or some other implausible "emergency."

D.  Nothing.  The whole thing is swept under the rug.   

5.  You've agreed to take PD to a doctor appointment at 2PM.  The drive from their house to the appointment takes 15 minutes.   You show up at theirs at 1:30, thinking you'll have plenty of time, only to find out the PD in question is still in their pj's, hasn't showered, and seems surprised to see you.   

You tell this person they have 15 minutes to get ready, so they stall, foot-drag, keep stopping to "rest" and faffle about.  You remind this person that the last time they were late, they were warned they'd be charged a fee - the PD either ignores you or mutters that they can WAIT for him/her, he/she doesn't LIKE being RUSHED!   

You manage to get the PD out the door at 1:55 - they refuse to call and state they're going to be late, and instead, insist you *drive faster* or take a half-baked shortcut that will take you 10 miles in the opposite direction.

You ignore them and by some miracle, the Traffic Gods are with you - you get there at 2:05.  The PD is told he/she will have to pay a fee, so the PD *blames your driving* - or YOU - for being late!   

6.  After an exhausting visit with the PD, you're trying to leave, or trying to get them to leave, BUT instead of just getting in the car to go home, you're forced into a back-door conversation that lasts *for freaking EVER* - and every time you think it's safe to either shut the door on them or start trudging to your car, they start a NEW line of conversation.   

7.  You invite the PD to stay for a week, starting June 1.  They later announce they'll be there May 25, as it's more convenient for them, they got a better plane fare, and it's much easier for them to spend 2 weeks at yours, instead of *wasting their time on only a week,* which *hardly* seems worth the effort.   

You say it's not possible - you're going to be out of town that week - and suddenly, you're the bad guy.   

8.  You've set aside a few hours to either visit with the PD or call them, and all they do the entire time is complain how you never visit and you never call.

9.  You're visiting the PD and they ask you to help move a table or take out the trash.  You later hear  from other people that the PD is complaining that you never visit, so you ask the PD what gives.

You did *work* - which negates the whole "visit" thing, and you *owe them a VISIT.*   

Even if you pick up a piece of paper that missed the trash, or wipe up after your own dripping boots, that's WORK, and this visit *does not count as a visit.*

These are just *some* of the scenarios I've been subjected to and they're all equally infuriating and all show the same thing:  they place NO value on our time, and it really IS all about them!