Discard Disclaimer

[vanillasea]

I remember when I was purchasing "Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist" a reviewer said she wished the book came with a warning that following the steps would cause a discard...and that people should be aware. She said she wasn't prepared for it.

The book greatly helped me realize I was like the Elephant tied to a stake. I don't know if it's true but there is an old story that baby Elephants are tied to a stake with a rope and they learn as much as they struggle, they can't break free - and then as they are grown they are still only tied by a rope - not knowing they're strong enough to break  it now.

I realized the behaviors I was afraid to do were ridiculous. Saying no when I needed to, making decisions for myself. Shutting down word salad. The first time I said "I don't want to talk about that. I brought up X for a reason and I want to finish that topic." Something shifted. The jig was up. There wasn't even any visible rage... he even admitted to what he was doing and then sat in silence.

I thought I wanted the discard when I read that review. To be free no matter the route seemed like a reward. Now I realize I wasn't ready for the discard.

How do you get ready? How do you face knowing someone you loved and invested your body mind and soul into is going to drop you at the snap of their fingers and walk right on like a nasty tick just let go of you and is hunting for better blood...and lets you know yours is not as young and sweet as it used to be and now you're sick.

And even as I left he kept making it like it was all my fault. Hitting below the belt every square inch of my frame.

I took it all... knowing I had to leave.

I fought with myself and felt like I were abandoning someone who is an infant on the inside. I was feeling sorry for him every step of the way!

But as the dust is settling I can see even in my leaving he got what he wanted. And he will keep getting what he wants because he'll lie and cheat and steal his way into whatever narrative he likes. He can also switch roles and create new ones.

It truly feels like he used me to procreate and carry on his name and use me to raise the children and do all of the hard work... and now he gets to go be nasty without having to hide it any longer....and use the children for endless supply. He shamelessly uses them to talk to women. Playing this martyr of a dad.

And because I bleed and feel - he will have that weapon over me.

I'm trying to find healthy ways to release this righteous anger. Unfortunately I don't feel like society provides much justice in this case. Not in this lifetime.

I feel all I can do is continue to nurture healthy friendships and community and show my children a good example and ultimately they'll get to decide.

He used my birthday to try to get to me...but crickets on our anniversary.

And I am relieved to be discarded so HARD

But at the same time........I wasn't ready.

It hurts realizing in order to treat myself like a human being- that I would get tossed into a garbage bin.

Yah...I failed in my training as he put it.

I even get angry at myself for being sad. ..

I feel like I'm mourning the death of a ghost and his ugly form walks about without a soul and laughs at me.

I recently read to think of them as a catapult......they held you back for so long, but they will launch you so far ahead and they have to stay anchored in place.


I sure hope so. I want to survive this pain and look back and see how far I've flown.

I suppose it's like surviving a major accident.  I'll have to bear the scars.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Thank you for sharing - very powerful.
I hear ya - my discard was a bit slower, but as painful - and I wanted it as well.  I can't promise when, but you will feel better - ride the waves....this will pass.  Bring to focus all that is wonderful without the PD in your life - no more negative comments, you can do what you want without feeling bad about it, ....I am doing so much more than I did a year ago - it's hard, but I love every minuet of it.

I heard this recently - every narcissist relationship has an expiration date. I think of this when I see my ex with his new supply.  I kinda feel sorry for her, but I do believe she's the reason why I was able to get the divorce finalized.  You know what?  I don't feel bad for her - she's in for a difficult ride....

[vanillasea]

Plant Flowers....

Thank you!!!

I'm trying to remember to stay grateful for the peace. At first it was exhilarating to be free from the daily eggshells and abuse that I was ready for it all.

Now I see how much destruction he did like I evicted a very bad Tennant. So happy to have him out of my home but now have to get busy making the repairs - and at first didn't realize the extent of the damages.

I have prayed he meets the perfect new supply so he gets bored of us and the expense of the children. I can only hope!

I needed the encouragement,  thank you!

[SonofThunder]

vanillasea,

So very well written and beautifully stated!  That book was surely an eye opener for me as well and led straight to full discard.  What i realized, but was not expecting, was that it was only myself that needing changing, like the elephant story in your post.

The reason discard occurred for me at all was because of my new awareness of myself and proactiveness to self-protect.  My uPDw didn't change her traits after I read the book and put its teaching into action....I did.  The reason discard occurred later vs at the very beginning of our relationship is because I did not recognize and protect myself from PD traits when we started dating. Using your tick analogy; I did not check my relationship for PD-trait ticks decades ago and when i finally turned into a bad host, the PD discarded, which I should fully expect. 

Im not upset my PDw discarded her host, because I know PD people need fresh and available caretaker blood to carry their emotions and connect them as one, to the identity of the host in which they reside.  My blood is not compatible to PD-traits any longer so her moving onto a new host, a new identity, is fully expected.  Im working on healing the deeply infected emotional area where I allowed the PD-traits to embed themselves for decades. 

I surely wish there was a way for my uPDw to fully develop out of PD traits but I know thats not possible.  Watching her deal with fear of host-abandonment issues is hard, but i know she will eventually bury that f.o.a. trait deep once again with a new host, and I know that i was nothing more than a gracious and available emotional-feed and identity-host, for a very long time.  I know that it was me all along that made myself available. I know now that discard was always in the PD playbook, but not needed until the host stopped being a host.  Like you well said in the elephant story, It was me all along.

SoT

[vanillasea]

SOT! Wow!

That was such a shock in the book to me. Painful to understand the only thing that had to change was me.

The tick analogy keeps going!

I thought of a nasty little tick telling me how bad of a host I am and me begging it to come back and bite me to prove I'm good blood! Crazy and nasty when I think of that. Especially knowing he occasionally bit and sampled others and then came back before I even knew he had snuck away.

And yes - there are some nasty wounds left...but you've been so wonderful in all your writings to point out we can be grateful we have the opportunity to heal and grow. That does keep me going.

I was so angry for having my identity stolen by the ticks in my life - but now after reading your response I realize they'll never be the host.

I'll always be me.

*They can't possess they can only destroy.*

it seems many temporary hosts are being utilized and I realize he kept me just close enough to be able to jump ship should I ever become a bad host.  He isn't as impressed with what he has right now as his sudden changes in identity don't yet trump what he had in me.... but I'll be better prepared now when the next magical host shows up and he begins changing in more fixed ways.. I'll understand he is just hooking into another victims identity...but he didn't change.... he is wholly incapable of depth by his own admission...and I know he'll need an empathetic new supply to try to harvest from to pretend he is a better person than I am.


I need to examine every relationship for ticks and spray the children regularly with repellent by teaching them autonomy.

I was on the path to raising his next generation of caretakers...so I'm taking medicine daily to heal my wounds so I can raise them to be 'bad' hosts.

The one that has really irritated him lately is I've taught my daughter people should call her by her name. I didn't expect her to take to this so seriously....but when he calls her his creepy little pet names apparently she emphatically says "MY NAME IS....."

I watched him do it to our niece many years ago and it was something then I stored away as odd.... He would tell her how pretty she was....but also had a derogatory nickname for her. Push-pull behavior. And now I see how daughters grow up and these men call them sweet names and then derogatory ones and people wonder why they would ever put up with it. Grooming.

My eldest is already quite the supply but I'll be actively building his tool box...It just may take some time to heal those wounds...

Pass the DEET!!!

[escapingman]

I can so relate, it's almost like you are telling my story vanillasea. I realise when looking back that I only had just finished the Caretaking book when I went to see a solicitor to start the divorce. Also looking back, I am not sure how much it was STBX getting worse or me becoming a bad host. STBX is using one of my daughters as a temporary host at the moment, but I actually don't think she has discarded me yet and is hoping to get beck into the relationship. Not that she loves me or need me as her supply, she needs the residual benefits. She has repeatedly told DD that all this is just temporary and that we all will reunite one day. This spooks me.

Be strong vanillasea, you know as much as I do that we are better off without a PD in our lives than we are with.

[vanillasea]

Escaping Man

Yes I agree better off.

Disgusting behavior.

[notrightinthehead]

I enjoy the tick analogy.
I don't know how long you are out Vanillasea, for me year two-three was the worst. For  a while I woke up in the early hours, exploding with rage and having nowhere to go with it. It seemed like all the anger I had suppressed in my marriage hit me and then some. There was a lot to be angry about, also about my own tolerance and willingness to put up with that kind of treatment, but it was hard work to allow these feelings and to feel them without any possibility to act them out.
We have chosen to work on ourselves and with the support from this forum and friends we can anchor in reality and get to heal from the abuse. Ultimately the goal is to no longer be vulnerable to PD abuse.

[vanillasea]

I'm not very far out NRITH...

I find the loneliness to be crippling - as I'm very good at making friends but I just opened up to someone who turned out to be a back stabbing mess of a person and has actively been using my tragedy as a way to prop herself up within the group and now I'm finding my position shaky...it really hurt. Not as bad as my marriage situation - but it felt like an added weight when I can barely stand as is. Some people's cruelty is beyond comprehension. Now I'm finding it difficult to trust a single person I haven't known more than 10 years to be a true friend - and of course those friends are scattered and we were so distant during my marriage in order for the relationships to survive. They understand and are supportive - but 1. I don't want to wear them out by processing and 2. They're far away.

There are days I just would like a hug.

My ex is fine with his new shallow supply source. I'm angry that I haven't been able to nurture any positive relationships for support- which spotlights for me why isolation is so important to the abuser.

I'm really in the thick of my grief. One moment I'm wishing he would just leave us alone for good - and then he leaves us alone and I'm hurt that he could be so cruel and callous.

And with the hacking I feel even writing here is a risk.

I have been talked to by interested parties and I'm wondering if I'm ever going to be able to trust again.

I know I'm needing to ride the waves as stated and just trust the process.

I do know in time this will heal.

If I don't take good care and process I feel the scar will be painful and debilitating... sort-of like rehabilitation after a major surgery....very important.


Out of the FOG is such a good thing.

[notrightinthehead]

Yeah, that's another sad part of having been in an abusive relationship. We end up with faulty red flag detectors and are vulnerable to another abusive people. I have learned to take it really slow with the opening up. I show a little, wait for the other to show a litte, if it still sits right, I show a tiny little bit more and so on. Friendships also take time, just as romantic relationships. And after the damage an abusive relationship has done, we need to be extra careful.

[vanillasea]

Agree.

Especially when things are still so raw. Having someone come and use my pain as a place to step up is just gross.

I see now the mutual sharing and matching depth is a major indicator.

I have been experiencing the anger out of nowhere. Trying to feel it and not suppress it or turn it inward.

Keeping the alternative in mind (staying asleep and dying in the FOG) keeps me afloat.

[escapingman]

The trust vanillasea, that is a biggie. I am vetting everyone I meet now, it is tiring to keep looking for red flags. I have got 3 new families in our lives, I constantly keep scanning them all for red flags. Me and DD were invited over to one of them a while ago, I realised that was the first time we went to another family for a meal - since DD was born..... They had heard a bit as DD had shared some of the story with their daughter, they were very supportive and quite horrified when I told some of the stories (the very minor stories). But I kept thinking, and still am thinking, why are they nice to me? I can't get round why they would be nice, no one has ever been that nice to me. So then I am scanning them for red flags, is the father a PD, is the mother, are both, or are they just an ordinary family. My whole perception is skewed.

I am so sorry your friend used you like that. That is what I am worried about when sharing anything. Keep strong!

[vanillasea]

Escaping Man,

I think for me - if I can keep myself from oversharing I'll be much better off.

It is a trauma response.

I can see now this "friend" is a PD. Even admitted to being so but claimed to be reformed. I think I so badly wanted to believe someone could change meaning hope for my children - that I bought it.

But also - there are people who aren't necessarily PDs - who just enjoy gossip- and will take your story as free tabloid.

I am finding the people who truly care - aren't interested in details as much as they are interested in my own behaviors. "How are you feeling? Are you eating well? Sleeping? Can I grab you anything? Things going ok?"

Vs "Tell me everything. You need someone to talk to and I'm here to listen."

In a way, EM - we can see the PD fiasco as a blessing. Like you said - you've never been able to go over for a dinner (imagine the drama afterwards or beforehand if you had!) Now a new chapter of your life can begin...it is a painful process - but it is much like entering into a new life.

If I think I'm behind and take for granted everyone else knew better - I must think again because most anyone I've told knows someone these days in a similar situation. Now I'm beginning to think we've gained a special skillset. While it cost us much (consider it like a degree/Investment) there is much good we could bring about from what we choose to learn now.

All the best!

[Whoops]

Vanillasea, thank you for writing about what you are experiencing. I am experiencing just the same. it is a shock to have your spouse transform so quickly into an enemy or even simply not to care much at all about you.