Update - Sister re-established contact

[Hilltop]

I had coffee with my sister and it went well. Leading up to it I started to over think things and really wasn't looking forward to it but on the day I calmed myself down and went into it thinking I was just having coffee with a friend.  In the end I felt quite relaxed going into it. I am hoping this will lead to some sort of relationship and it seems she is open to that as well.

There wasn't any discussion on how things between us had gone, although I was happy with that.  She seemed quite open and honest and there were no red flags so that was good.  We didn't discuss our parents however there were a couple of comments just in random conversation where I realised that things hadn't been the rosy loving family picture I had made up in my head.  Another lesson in not over thinking or assuming things. I mean yes they get along etc but it's not how I pictured. 

An aunt and uncle are coming to see my sister and I was invited to go along but in all honesty a large part of me, actually all of me, is done with the family dynamics.  I am not interested in participating. It has been one disappointment after another and I am glad to move on from it.  I am interested in pursuing a relationship with my sister and as long as that continues to be respectful I will put in effort to rebuild the relationship.  As for the rest of the family, although I was offered an opportunity to engage I ended up declining.  I have made my peace with that and there is no part of me that is interested in re-joining them. Most of my interactions with them have been negative and so it's just not worth it to me. My mother has played a large part in that but what's done is done, I just don't feel the bond there.

I left feeling positive and happy with how much I have moved on.  I felt no angst over my sister and her relationship with our parents.  I felt no angst with her relationships with the rest of the family. I felt good with where I am in life.  For the first time I showed up thinking that if she didn't like me well not much can be done with that. I am happy that I have changed my life so that the people in it are kind and loving. I am not going back to engaging with toxic people in my life.  That part of my life is over.

[bloomie]

Hilltop - what an impressive update! How empowering it must be to reconnect in person with your sister, handle it with calm assurance, and walk away with further insights and clarity! 

It seems like this meeting was a road test of all of your healing and growth and you passed with flying colors!

I left feeling positive and happy with how much I have moved on.  I felt no angst over my sister and her relationship with our parents.  I felt no angst with her relationships with the rest of the family. I felt good with where I am in life.  For the first time I showed up thinking that if she didn't like me well not much can be done with that. I am happy that I have changed my life so that the people in it are kind and loving. I am not going back to engaging with toxic people in my life.  That part of my life is over.

This is so hopeful to read for all of us here in this community of fellow travelers. Thank you for sharing how far we can come to peaceful living and wise decision making when we keep on fighting for health and healing and prioritize protecting our peace!!!

[sandpiper]

Well done.
I've often wondered how things would go if I was to see my sisters and their adult children. There's a lot of hurt there. I've done a lot of work since then and I guess I'm more aware, from years at these boards, how everyone gets pushed out of shape by growing up inside a PD FOO.
My advice would be to take it slow and don't try to reintroduce yourself to too many people at the one time. Not everyone is going to embrace healing, go to T, or be in the same place on their journey at the time.

I'm wondering if your sister may be in a re-evaluation phase where she's starting to count the costs of the losses from being oblivious to (and supportive of) your parents' behaviour.

One of the trauma counsellors that I follow online calls it 'trauma bonding' - once upon a time it would have been called Stockholm Syndrome but the man that invented that has been discredited. I guess 'brainwashing' is a better term for what we go through, growing up inside a world where unhealthy patterns and behaviours are normalised. It takes a lot to come out of that.
I'm less inclined to put labels of PDness on people now and am more inclined to think of it in terms of the damage done and the unhealthy behaviours children carry into adulthood. The idea being that the behaviour you adopted as a child gets carried into adulthood, where it sabotages your relationships.

I guess what I'm saying is, don't expect your sister to have it all worked out yet, but maybe be open to the idea that she may be coming Out of the FOG and we all have a way of blundering into each other and stepping on each other's toes, when we can't see clearly what's happening inside the other person's psyche. Make your boundaries clear and it might even be worth sitting down and working out what they are.
If you don't want to talk about the past, or you aren't ready to do that at the moment, maybe tell your sister that clearly, and tell her what you are hoping for.
It sounds like you are wanting to test the waters to see if she has learned healthier ways to communicate, if she understands and respects boundaries, and if she's managed to see through some of your family's destructive patterns, and is trying to change.
None of us are going to get all of that right on the first go, it takes practice and time.
If it were me, I'd be wanting the support of a good T to help you through this.
My group T told us that the loss of our siblings is a deep wound, because we expect to grow old with them. Our friends from healthier families are able to have those relationships and I know I always feel sad when I see how my friends are with their sisters and brothers. It's a continuous loss.
I don't know that I'd be willing to re-establish a relationship with the FOO that abandoned me when I was diagnosed with PTSD. It was too much like, the contract for that relationship was that my pain needed to be invisible and hidden for the family to function. I felt so unseen, it was like my family couldn't accept me unless I walked around behind a mask that allowed them to feel comfortable by ignoring and discounting and diminishing what had happened to me.
So, while I do understand why you would want to set those boundaries of not wanting to discuss the past, don't be surprised if your sister has reconnected not only because she's missed you, but because she's seeing things through a different perspective, and it may be that she might be ready now, to hear yours.
It's really complex, because of how our parents invariably seem to have pitted siblings against each other from birth, and that's really hard to come back from.
Worth trying though.
I've heard some good stories about that over the years and I really hope it goes well for you.

[Hilltop]

Thanks Bloomie and Sandpiper. It is early days and I'm sure we both may step on toes from time to time.  I am mainly looking forward to having a relationship that is not going through our mother.  So far any information has been relayed through our mother so now I'm hoping to form an independent relationship separate from that.

Bloomie really nails it with saying 'prioritising protecting our peace'. That's where I feel I'm at.

Sandpiper I'm sorry there has been so much hurt.  I agree that my sister may not have everything worked out as I likely don't either. I see this as a start. There are so many issues she has faced and it does sound like she has started evaluating healthier relationships so that's promising. I've done so much healing as well and hopefully we can find a way through it. 

For me it was a deep wound not to have that sibling relationship.  I so agree with what you wrote.  However it's also not worth it to have that relationship if that relationship is hurtful.

I understand she has a different relationship with our parents.  I also understand she will talk with our mother and relay bits of info, that's pretty common.  I'm not saying I'll never have a conversation but need to build a little trust first.

Baby steps. Fingers crossed it continues to go ok.