"I've broken you"

[stormbrewing]

Stbxupdh left me last week, and so far I haven't heard a peep. This is not surprising because I am reasonably certain that he went on a lunch date the day before he left and has found new supply. Has been actively contacting 'old friends' on social media lately and made sure I knew it.

I have been spending a bit of time reading through topics and discussions across the forum because it helps me to process what has happened and reframe my thinking from this being abandonment to this being an opportunity that I have worked hard to get. The MC and GR worked, and that became very obvious in his parting comments (paraphrased):

"I've broken you" = you are not meeting my needs
"I've never loved anyone the way I loved you" = you were so good at meeting my needs once
"I will always love you" = I reserve the right to try to get you back in my life at a time off my choosing if I am unable to get my needs met elsewhere
"I decided last week that this was going to work and you haven't let that happen" = I've tried every tactic I know and none of it worked and that must be your fault because it always worked before

It has never been about me, only about how I made him feel. I adored him, so that probably felt pretty good. I am grieving and I have work to do on that, but when I look back I realise that I started grieving for the person I thought I had married and for the future I thought I would have years ago. It has been a very long road, and even though I like to think that I would have eventually had the strength to leave, I really don't know if that's true. I do have the strength not to let him come back this time though. Life is too short for this bs.

Now I need to work out how to un-grey myself.

[20yrsofcrazy]

You got this! 

I am right there with you...grieving the "death" of this dysfunctional relationship.

Let your colors come back.   Gray rock is meant to be temporary, not permanent.
None of us should have to dim our beautiful light in order to let someone else shine.   

Hugs!

[GettingOOTF]

It has never been about me, only about how I made him feel.[\quote]

This so describes my marriage.

He also used to say BS like "I've broken you".  He was so full of dramatic declarations like this yet he never ever did a single thing to fix anything in the marriage.

I think that we start to deal with the impact of the marriage once we leave. It's like our bodies finally realize it's safe to feel all the feelings we suppressed.

My personal view is that GR is no way to live. It's a tool to be used to get out out of uncomfortable situation like an argumentative person on a bus. It's no way to conduct your every day life. It requires too much sacrificing if everything satisfying in human interaction.

Your true self will come back in time.

[Boat Babe]

May I suggest you do some work on your trauma bonds?  This will ensure that when the inevitable Hoover happens, and he says all the things that you are longing to hear, you will be able to stand your ground and refuse the abuse that will definitely be part of another round with a PD person.

I found total NC to be excruciating at first.  It was how I imagine detoxing from heroin/crack/meth to be. I have recordings of myself on my phone, trying to process the agony, which I keep to remind myself of how far I have come. NC is CRUCIAL to rebuilding your life and your Self. Intrinsic to NC is Self Care. I cannot recommend it highly enough. I am so much healthier now, so much more resilient emotionally, so much happier.

Please keep in talking to us. Much live ❤️